Small Steps

by Larilyn

Summary: Willow gets some help with the stages of grief

Rating:PG

Disclaimer: Joss is King, I am but a lowly peasant.

No yellow crayons were harmed in the making of this fic.

"Giles?" Her voice was like a frightened child’s. She appeared so small as she stood at the entrance of the impressive building.

Giles placed a reassuring hand on his young friend’s shoulder. Willow turned and flashed him a smile of nervous gratitude.

"I assure you. You have nothing to fear."

She took in the elemental construction of the structure. "It’s just so… scary… and English."

Giles allowed a small smile on her behalf. "It’s all right Willow. You can do this."

She grasped the brass door knocker in her hand. "Right. I can do this." Willow quickly withdrew her hand as if it were being burned and again turned to Giles. "Giles I can’t do this."

"Yes you can, Willow. You have to take this first step."

She turned back to the door and put on her resolve face. Briskly she hammered the door knocker.

An exotic woman with long dark hair and emerald eyes opened the door. She was dressed in a long, black velvet gown. A moonstone pendant hung from a silver chain around her neck. Rings adorned her slender fingers. "You must be Willow. I am Sabine. Please come in."

She gestured grandly toward the foyer. Willow stepped in and glanced around the old building. It was very grand and intimidating. Only Giles’s reassuring presence kept her from scampering right out the door. She stammered at the woman. "Are… are you the High Priestess?"

A light laugh floated from Sabine’s full, ruby red lips. "Goddess no. Estelle?" She called. "Rupert is here with the girl."

Squeaking down the hallway in orthopedic shoes, a stout old woman grumbled, "I’m coming, I’m coming. Its always hurry, hurry, hurry. In my day we had a little patience."

The blue haired lady in the pink sweater stopped in front of Willow. "Mr. Giles? You are responsible for this girl?"

"I… I am," he stammered.

"Well, you have a lot to answer for." Both Willow and Giles opened their mouths to explain, but Estelle continued. "She is nothing but skin and bones. Young people today. No meat on their frame. You keep your Slayer this skinny Mr. Giles?" She did not allow a response but continued, "Come girl, I have oatmeal raisin cookies. Can’t do the ritual with you looking like your going to starve to death. Can we?"

***

Willow dutifully chewed the dry cookie while Giles and Estelle discussed the particulars of the ritual.

Sabine smiled at her and handed her a glass of milk. "Don’t be nervous."

"I’m not," protested Willow. "Well maybe a little."

"Its a healing ritual." Sabine explained. "It will take many moons, but when the process is complete, you will be ready."

Willow choked down the cookie as she asked meekly, "Ready to face my punishment?"

The raven-haired witch reached across the table and gave Willow’s hand a reassuring squeeze. "Ready to face your future."

"I expected a binding ritual." Willow ventured.

"We aren’t trying to cripple you."

Willow squeaked, "Then what are you going to do to me?"

"We will call on five souls. Souls you have touched. They will visit you and guide you."

"Souls? Like ghosts? Like in Ebenezer Scrooge?"

The witch explained, "Some may be the souls of the dead, some souls of the living."

"How can a soul leave a living person?" Willow asked.

"In dreams, anything is possible."

***

"Do you need anything Willow?" Giles asked as Willow settled into bed.

"No." She smiled for her friend. "Just sleep. The ritual wore me out."

"Pleasant dreams then." He flipped the light switch off and eased the door shut.

***

Willow bounced in excitement, "Really? Me? Teach the class? Sure!"

As realization hit, she began to panic, "Oh, wait… but what if they don't recognize my authority? What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early? What if there's a fire drill? What if there's a fire?"

Jenny Calendar’s soothing voice eased her concerns, "Willow… Willow, you'll be fine. I'll try not to be too late, okay?"

Willow watched from the back of the classroom as her younger counterpart faded away, but Jenny remained. She approached her student with a look of concern, "Willow how are you?"

"Oh wow." Willow said glancing around the classroom where she spent the most awkward years of her life. "This is really uncomfortable."

Jenny glanced around, "It is, isn’t it? Let’s go somewhere else."

In a flash, they were in the park, looking out across the pond on a park bench.

"So you’re one of the souls, huh? Here to heal me?"

"Mmm hmm. I feel a bit responsible."

"How? Why? You’re not responsible."

"I got you interested in magics, Willow."

"But its not… its not your fault." After a bit of companionable silence, Willow asked, "How long will you… I mean…"

Jenny answered, "I won’t be staying long. Just tonight. Some of the others will stay longer. You’ve worked through your denial on your own, I think."

"Tara’s dead. I can’t use magic anymore. I tried to end the world and kill all my friends. Yep. No denying that."

"Remember, you aren’t alone, Willow."

Willow nodded. "Hey, should I tell Giles you said hi?"

Jenny shook her head. "You won’t remember this. Not the specifics."

"Oh." As Willow awoke, Jenny faded away.

Buffy watched the pencil spinning gently, "Neat."

"Thanks. It's all about emotional control. Plus, obviously, magic." Willow began to wiggle in excitement, "You wanna go to the espresso pump? Get sugared up on mochas?"

"Pass. I'm gonna hit the pool, do some laps."

"And how come all the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff?," very pleased with herself, she added, "Buff buff!"

Buffy explained, "Well, they've really got us running around on the physical side, too. A lot of precision training and reflex evaluation, and I just wanna... do..."

Knowingly, Willow finished, "... better than Faith?"

"So very shallow."

Willow disagreed, "Competition is natural and healthy. And you'll definitely ace her on the psyche tests. Just don't mark the box that says ‘I sometimes like to kill people’."

"I know Faith isn't exactly on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she's had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me."

"No way."

"We can't control the way we grow up."

"No. You're you. She's her. Some people just don't have that in them."

"I'm sorry, I know you hate talking about Faith..."

"No, it's okay."

"Really, I –"

"It doesn't bother me. I mean it."

"Uh, Will?" Buffy gestured at the pencil, spinning so fast that it flew out of control and lodged itself into a tree. "Emotional control?"

"I'm working on it."

The scene faded away before Willow’s eyes. All that was left was the pencil, wedged in the tree’s bark. A feminine hand pulled it out and tossed it at her. Willow caught the pencil and then narrowed her eyes at the Slayer.

"What are you doing here?" Willow hissed.

"Me?" Faith asked. "I’m here to help you work through your anger, babe."

***

"Ow." Faith massaged her own shoulder, twisting it around to ease the soreness.

Willow punched the punching bag in the back room of the Magic Box furiously.

"This is the last night, babe." Faith informed her.

Genuinely disappointed, Willow whimpered.

"Hey you’ve been beating me up for two weeks straight. I don’t think I can take any more," Faith admitted.

Willow smiled, "Isn’t it way cool that I’m just as strong as you here?"

"Yeah," Faith grumbled as she continued to nurse her shoulder, "Way cool."

"Can I ask you something?"

Faith stretched out on the concrete floor. "Ask away."

"Why’d you come to help me?"

Faith shrugged, "Dunno. Kind of felt crummy about things. You know?"

Angel looked stricken when he entered the library.

Buffy asked cautiously, "Angel... What is it?"

"Buffy, I... Something's happened that..." Angel took a deep breath and spit it out, "Willow's dead."

Out of his peripheral vision, he saw her standing there, "Hey, Willow….Wait a second."

Xander sympathized, "We're right there with you, Buddy."

Willow threw herself into Angel’s arms as soon as the younger version of herself and the others faded away. "Angel."

"Willow. I’m so sorry."

For the first time since the dreams started, Willow began to cry. "God, Angel, it hurts."

"I know, Will. I know."

***

They walked hand in hand down the streets of downtown Sunnydale.

"Its cool." Willow commented. "You in sunlight."

Angel smiled. "Gotta love dreams. Anything’s possible."

Willow stopped in front of the Magic Box. "The Magic Box! Its all better!"

Angel gave her a questioning glance.

"I sort of destroyed it," she admitted. Willow entered the building with Angel at her heels. Glancing around she commented, "It’s perfect. Look, sage." She held the bundle up for Angel’s inspection, "It purifies the space. And an obsidian scrying plate, an orb of Thesuleh, your personal favorite, and…" she stopped, staring in shock at the object in from of her. "The urn of Anubis."

"What’s that do?" Angel asked.

"It could bring her back," she murmured. "I could bring her back."

"Willow…" Angel warned.

"No. I could do it! Just this one more time. Then I’ll stop. No more magic. I’ll just bring Tara back and that’ll be it!" Willow’s voice rose with near hysteria. "I need her back."

"No Willow." With strong arms, Angel encircled her small frame. His embrace absorbed the shock of the sobs that wracked her body.

***

"Feel better?" Angel asked as Willow wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Anytime. Had nothing better to do. Just sitting at the bottom of the ocean. Hey if you happen to remember…" Angel stopped as he caught sight of his friend’s tear-stained face. "Never mind, its not important."

The bell on the magic shop’s door chimed. To the person who had just stepped in, Angel said, "She’s all yours."

As Willow turned to look, the world spun around and she was in the UC Sunnydale cafeteria.

"What's the next level?" Buffy asked as she reached for food.

Willow tried to contain her excitement. "Transmutation, conjuring…Bringing forth something from nothing… It gets you pretty close to the primal forces. A little scary…"

"Nobody's pushing, Will. If it's too much, don't do it."

Willow was dumfounded, "Don't do it? What kind of encouragement is that?"

Clearly sorry Buffy said, "This an ‘encourage me’ talk? I thought it was a ‘share my pain’."

"I don't know. Then again, what's college for if not experimenting? Maybe I can handle it. I'll know
when I've reached my limit."

"Wine coolers?" Oz asked as he joined them.

Buffy corrected, "Magic."

"Oh. Didn't encourage her, did you?"

Hurt, Willow asked, "Where's supportive boyfriend guy?

"Picking up your dry-cleaning. But he told me to tell you he's afraid you're going to get hurt."

"Okay, Brutus." When no one seemed to understand, Willow explained, "Brutus. Caesar, betrayal,trusted friend, backstabby…"

"No, I'm with you on the reference, but I'm not gonna lie about the fact that I worry. I know what it's like to have power you can't control. Every time I start to wolf out I touch something deep dark… it's not fun. But whatever you decide, you know I'll back your play."

"Can I just stay here?" Willow asked, as she snuggled against Oz. They reclined in his bed, "I felt safe here."

She glanced around Oz’s old room. She stood and walked over to the tattered Dingoes Ate My Baby poster. Fingering it, she asked again, "Can we?"

"Stay here?" Oz shook his head. "Here doesn’t really exist. We aren’t really here."

"You came for me," She smiled.

He smiled back. "I’d pretty much do anything for you."

"So stay here with me," she demanded. "Back in time. We’ll just stay here forever."

"Wish I could. But…"

"No buts! Why is there always a but?"

"Be kind of hard to sit without em."

She threw him a wearied look. "Its just too hard. The real world is too hard."

"You can do it, Willow. You’re strong."

"And if I can’t?"

"I’ll be here." He promised. "Every night, until you are ready to move on."

***

"Checkmate!" Willow giggled as she placed her queen on the board.

"You’ve been doing that more, lately." Oz observed.

"What, beating your butt?" Asked Willow.

"No. Smiling."

She gave him another, shy smile.

Oz took her hand across the chess board. "Its time for me to go."

"No!" Willow cried.

"There’s someone who needs to see you," Oz said cryptically as he faded away. Oz’s bedroom dissolved around her and Willow was left in a white, gauzy space.

Out of the smoky air, Willow saw her, coming toward her. An angel. Tara.

"Willow. Its time to go on with your life."

"I can’t!" Willow cried. "Not without you."

"You will never be without me. I’ll be there. Watching over you. With your every breath, I’ll be there."

***

She woke up with the sun beaming down on her face. Giles must have opened the blinds. She climbed out of bed, feeling strangely at peace.

Willow looked out the window at the activity in the street. A squirrel scampered up a tree. A small dog barked furiously at the chattering squirrel. Kids were already swarming on the sidewalk. The aroma of cooking bacon from the restaurant down the street filled her nostrils.

Behind her, the door opened. Giles entered with a tray of oatmeal and juice. "Ah. You’re up."

He came up beside her and placed the tray on the writing desk.

Giles glanced out the window that held Willow transfixed. "Its going to be a lovely day." He commented.

Willow agreed. "Yes it is."

Their eyes locked, and she gave him a brilliant smile and said, "I should get out in it."

End