"Christmas Wish"
by Brit
Long day, huh? It
always seems like the day before Christmas is a zoo around here. Everyone plunging into the euphoric
sentimentalism of the season by ramming into the car that beat them out of a
good parking spot or decking the halls of the little old lady who got the last
sale item they were reaching for.
Bah-humbug, me?
C'mon! I love a little holiday
combat as much as the next guy, really.
Grouchy? Oh, come
on, O'Brien, I've been very good this year--no coal in my stocking. And since when have you been
assigned 'Comfort and Joy' duty? Well, come to think of it, you do look like you've got a bowl
full of jelly there, Sarge!
`What do I want for Christmas?' Cute. No way, Santa O'Brien,
I'm not falling into that trap. No
matter how good
you are, you never get what you wish for.
Get your mind out of the gutter. You're nuts, you know that? Just send me a fruitcake or
something, because I won't be around anyway--I volunteered for duty Christmas
day.
Yeah, really--I volunteered. Holidays are for families that know how to celebrate them. This single guy will be making himself
useful. Besides, it'll be one of the
last times I hit the streets here before my transfer over to Bay City. It looks like they've already got me
assigned to somebody over there.
Yeah, the divorce papers were served yesterday. I know it'll be hard transferring academies
in the middle of the term, but I really think it'll make life a whole lot
easier if Vanessa and I aren't running into each other every time you turn
around.
Naw, thanks for the invite.
After my shift I've got a date with a porterhouse and a new book. You enjoy your time with your family.
Of course, I like Christmas! Always have…it's just my family that…it's a little hard to
explain, Bob. I guess it's just that…never
mind. It's a long story.
No, I never got what I asked for as a kid and it's had a
deep psychological scarring on my psyche.
There, Santa Freud, you've diagnosed my deep, dark psychosis.
You're not going to leave this alone, are you? I'm telling you, you're going to think I'm
nuts.
Yeah, more so than normal, gee thanks Bob. Fine.
Well, I guess growing up I felt different from all the other kids. Sounds weird, huh? I don't know, I can't explain it. I can't even give you a reason for it. I just knew somehow that I never quite fit in. Maybe it was my
parents' money or the social position they loved to throw around. Maybe not; maybe it was just me. But even in a crowd of people I still felt
detached from everyone there. Every holiday
I wished for two things, one really--a combination of the two. When Christmas rolled around, I'd be
prepared for the liturgical question from my folks as to what present would
make me happy. For all the years I can
remember, I would always ask for the same thing and every year I would be
disappointed.
Good guess, Bob.
But, no, not a puppy. I wanted a
little brother. A brother or a best friend.
Either / or. I wasn't too particular.
Yeah, really. Well, of course, I never got him. Wasn't in their reproductive plans. Oh, my folks were generous. They had the resources. But still…it wasn't what I wanted. What I thought I needed. Crazy, huh?
As I got older I learned to think of something else to ask for, maybe
something trendy or all the rage with the other kids--a certain bike, toys or
games, then later music and clothes.
But these were things that I never really wanted, never really
needed. They just filled the void--for
a little while anyway.
See, I told you I don't really know how to explain it. I seemingly had everything I could possibly
need--affluent parents, an accredited semi-private school, opportunities that
were enviable. But still...still
somewhere deep inside was a part of me that remained…I don't know… lonely…in a
way that I couldn't identify. Even as an adult I've tried to fill that hole:
college, women, my job…but even now, nothing seems to fill it. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm
doing. This is what I was meant to
be. I've never been happier, actually. It's just…In high school I was pushed into
all sorts of competitions, had to be the best.
I was a Hutchinson, after all.
High school track star, debate team captain, honor roll. It made my parents happy, you know...made
them proud. And for a while those
things made me…well, not happy, but maybe satisfied. No one realized how empty I really felt. You see, instead of winning the 30-yard
dash, I would've given anything for someone to run along side me, not just try
to outrun me. Rather than unbeatable
debates by a sharp intellect, I wanted someone to argue with me because they wanted
what was best for me, not just to best me.
Instead of gaining friends who were only of honor roll caliber, I wanted
someone who I would consider it an honor to be their friend. I wanted a friend that would stick closer
than a brother. Someone who would
accept me for who I was, not what I was.
A friend that would choose me because I was worth choosing, not because
of what I was worth. I wanted…oh, man. Bob, I can't believe I…I can't believe you
asked me a simple question and I go off on a tangent. I'm sorry…
Well, thanks. I appreciate your understanding. Look, get out of here. You've got a big day tomorrow with Bonnie
and the kids and all, I'll see you day after next. And, Bob, thanks for listening. You've…you've been a great
teacher and a good friend, for a sergeant anyway. I…well, I'm going to miss you.
Yeah, the captain finally got the paperwork squared away so
I'm in first of the year, right after the holidays. I'm not sure who
my road instructor will be, but it looks like they've
already got another rookie in mind for me to room with. Starkly or Starksy or something. Anyway, have a good night.
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too.
~ Brit
12/3/00