"First Tears"
Musings
from "Survival"
By Brit
I can't find you! I don't know where
you are and time is running out. I
wandered back here to your apartment, at first I thought because I could look
around again, find a clue - any clue
- to where you are, what happened to ya.
Where are you?
If
someone were to ask me how I felt right now, right at this moment, I wouldn't
be able to describe it. You're the one who's supposed to be good
with words anyway. I guess it's just
that I feel...empty. But then in the
next second I'm overwhelmed with a sense of, well, loss. Like my left arm were
missing or something and I keep forgetting it's gone and I'm trying to pick
stuff up, but I can't because my arm is gone.
Or maybe it's my heart that’s
missing?
Okay,
so I’m getting soapy. Sue me, I can’t stop myself and you’re
not here to do it for me.
Does that make sense? Yeah, I guess
you'd understand it, but only because it was me rambling on. I find myself walking around your apartment
just... well, feeling you here. The
statue on your coffee table, the plants, your guitar... it's almost like part
of you is here...
...and
I don't feel so alone any more.
Where are you?
I
wander around, picking up things as familiar to me as the stuff at my own place. Each thing reminds me of where you got it,
what was going on. Reminds me of
you. Reminds me that you're gone and I
don't know where and I don't know how and I don't know why and I can't find you
and I can't do this alone and...what
the...??
Tears.
Where
did those come from? I haven't cried since... since I can't
remember. No, I can. I haven't cried for anyone since they sent
me out here from the City, since my father died. I cried then. Cried for
days. Cried because what had
happened. Cried for what I loss. Cried for myself. Endless tears. You
wouldn't think a kid would have so many inside of him.
No one
understood. Nothing could make me feel
better because the single most important person in my life - my dad - was cold
and dead and stuck in the ground and there was nothing I could do to change
that.
Something
like that will make you hard inside.
Bitter, I guess. I couldn't tell
you exactly what it was. I'm sure some
shrink somewhere's got a fancy name for it.
Whatever. All I know is that I
was destroyed inside and I cried until I made myself sick, then I cried until I
was so hoarse I couldn't speak for days.
Then it
was like something inside me just broke.
Or shut down, I guess. Dried
up. I vowed I would never cry for
anyone again because it wouldn't do me any good and it wouldn't bring them back
and it wouldn't make things right and I never wanted to feel that lost again...
But you changed all that didn't ya? Taught me a lot of
things Blintz, though I'd never admit it to anyone, especially you. Like that it's okay to talk about the things
that hurt. That's it's okay to lean on
somebody. I'ts okay to trust. That's it's okay to say "I love
you" and mean it, even to a guy, even to your best friend. I learned all that from you.
So here
I am wandering around your apartment crying because I’m so damned frustrated
and so stupid scared that I won’t find you in time...and I’m crying. If you were here you’d tell me that it’s okay
to cry. It hurts, pal. It
really hurts, but the tears are loosening up the knot in my chest and I’m
thinking straight again. You’re not even around and you’ve taught me something
else...
I guess
when I met you, when we became friends, real
friends - not just the kind of guy you hang around with once in awhile and play
pool with and stuff - that "thing" inside of me that was like a rock
I carried around went away. I couldn't
tell ya when exactly or what did it. It
just was gone. Like a bullet wound that
one day just healed. I think that was
because of you. And now - now you're
missing...
Where are you? I've gotta find
you, pal. I've still got a few more
things to learn and I need you to teach me.
~Brit