RETROSPECT
By: Linda H.
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I really don't know how to start this. Been tryin' to find a way to explain why I did what I did to my best friend, the other half of my heart and soul.
Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut???
It started out like any other day. Hutch was right on time to pick me up in his heap of a car and, like usual, I was runnin' late. Woke up with a blasted headache and was just in a crummy mood.
I really didn't mean to take it out on Hutch like I did. He didn't deserve the crappy things I said to him. Man, I can be such a prick sometimes. Why does he put up with me anyway?
I guess I was pretty quiet during the ride in. Hutch didn't say much to me except to ask if I felt alright. He can always tell when I feel sick... no sense in lyin' to him about it. Just told him my head hurt. Before I knew it, he placed his hand on my forehead checking for a fever I suppose. Didn't have one, could have told him that if he asked. Yes, Hutch, I took
two aspirin and no Hutch, I don't wanna to go back to my apartment. Did I mention how much of a mother hen he can be at times? Usually I don't mind but today, well it was irritatin' me. Everything was.
Captain Dobey was on our backs to crack this smuggling ring down at the docks. For two weeks straight we'd been busting our asses trying to come up with something. Workin' the streets, contacting our snitches. Nothin'. Even Huggy couldn't come up with anything. Finally a break.
Some junkie who lives in the projects wanted to see us. Said he had some useful information, for a price of course. So Hutch and me headed over to meet with him. What a dump he lived in. And by the time we climbed those four flights of stairs, man, my head felt like it was gonna to explode.
Anyway, we finally sat down with the doper and there he is shakin' and sweatin' and Hutch is being so nice to him, trying to calm the guy down and get some straight information out of him. That's when I saw it. The heroin, I mean. Damn, just what we did not need. Hutch still craved that shit, I know he did cuz so many nights he'd call me, just to talk....about anything or nothin'.
But I really knew why he phoned - to take his mind off the feeling in his gut, that feeling of wantin' something so bad but you can't have. So when I spotted that bag sittin' on the dirty coffee table all my fuzzy mind could think of was we had to get the hell out of that damned place.
"Come on, Hutch. He ain't no use to us. Let's split." I said as I pulled on my blonde partner's shirtsleeve.
Questioning eyes met mine. Then it must've hit him because he glanced at the drugs and then back to me and wordlessly shook his head. He walked out of the apartment and I followed him back to the car. He stopped and looked at me over the the roof of the car just as I was about to get in.
"Starsk, you think that little of me? You really think I would have taken it again?" He asked and I heard this pain in his voice. "I'm a cop and we're on a case, for God's sake. Is the trust gone, buddy?"
I tried to explain. I really did, but I felt so shitty and tired and .....I just lost it.
I started screamin' about Forrest and Jeannie and what it felt like for ME to have to help him go cold turkey. How it was the worst night of MY life, seein' him in that kind of pain, gettin' so sick all over the both of us. Almost fighting a few times. And how I couldn't go to anyone for help, we had to keep it quiet. How for the past two weeks I barely ate and hardly slept. I was on constant edge, makin' sure we were actin' like we usually did. Had to keep up a front for our fellow brothers in blue. I was plagued with nightmares of Hutch and me in the room above Huggy's. Hutch so strung out, beggin' me for a fix, and you know somethin'? I almost gave in. Just one time, when he was so weak and shaking and all I wanted to do was to make the hurt stop for him.
And so I went on and on, loud and ignorant, and with each word I said my partner seemed to shrink inside of himself, like I was slappin' him a thousand times. Over and over again. I couldn't stop myself. But finally I did, and then I just sat down on the ground. I didn't even know I'd been cryin' til I put my head down in my hands and my face was wet. I guess I started cryin' for real then. Next thing I know Hutch is there and he's got his arms around me. I felt so bad I almost puked all over him. But I didn't.
"So sorry, Hutch. God, please forgive me." I sobbed on his shoulder. "None of this was your fault. You were the victim. I know that.....I'm sorry."
He just held on to me. Finally we got up and he drove me home. I don't remember much except him gettin' me into bed, making sure I took some more aspirin.
Then he did something that broke my heart. He started to sing to me. Nice and low, some sad old song I hadn't heard in a long time. For the first time that day my head started to feel better. I think I was close to fallin' asleep when the song was over. I started to say thanks and he just shrugged it off. Said it was payback for what I helped him through. I know he was sayin' it to be kind but it sounded more like a hollow joke and the words went through my heart like a sharp dagger.
Hutch and me, well we take care of each other because we want to, because we love each other and that's what you do, right? We don't keep score. But you can't just forget....least I can't forget what I'd said to him earlier.
Oh God....Blondie, what did I do? I wanted to say somethin' to make us both feel better. But my head couldn't take any more and I shut my eyes and turned away.
So I slept a dreamless sleep, and awoke to an empty room. And ya know something, it was just what I deserved....
The End