By Linda C.
I want to thank Donna for giving me some of the ideas
for this one.
…
…
“Starsk, I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t wear that thing out of the house.”
My partner looked over at me from the passenger seat of the torino.
“You agreed, I didn’t agree,” was his reply.
“And just where did you hide that thing?, I didn’t see you leave the house with it?”
Starsky looked over at me. “Smuggled it out under my jacket.”
His face lit up in a smug Starsky smile and his blue eyes winked at me from under the Santa hat, his curls framing the red and white flannel material.
I was probably the only person in town with his own Jewish Santa Claus.
But about as fast as the smile appeared, it disappeared and turned into a frown.
Starsky looked away from me and started shaking his bowed head back and forth.
“Hutch, I’m just lucky to be here at all this Christmas, could have been six feet under.”
I silently shuttered at his last comment, knowing full well how true it was. I had come much too close to losing my best friend forever to Gunther’s bullets.
Sliding across the front seat of the torino so that I was sitting closer to Starsky I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him to me. As soon as Starsky felt my arms go around his shoulders he lifted up his head and I saw his eyes and their barely contained tears. He leaned into my embrace needing me to hold him. A mane of soft dark curls, barely restrained by his Santa hat burrowed into my chest. He was as vulnerable as a new born puppy.
I didn’t really know what to say but…”I’m here Buddy, right here beside you.” His arms wrapped around my back.
“Hutch, I’m still so damn scared.” I can’t seem to shake that fear.”
“I know you’re scared Babe, I’m scared too but you are getting better; Starsk you do believe that don’t you? Starsk?”
The Santa hat slowly lifted off of my chest.
“Yes, I do and that’s only because you love me and care about me the way you do.”
“I couldn’t do this without you Blondie.”
“Works both ways partner, we both need each other.” My heart ached at the sight of the sad eyes that looked up at me from his pale and gaunt face. His eyes still mirrored the horrible legacy of pain and devastating damage done to his body.
Starsky was far from recovered and some long and painful months loomed ahead of us but this was Christmas time and what counted most to me was the fact that we were together. We would face the future head on and we would face it together.
Let him wear that silly hat of his if that’s what makes his world a little brighter today. I could deny him nothing. I never have been very good at saying no to him but since he had gotten shot I found it almost impossible.
The soft voice of my partner interrupted my thoughts.
“Hey, would you promise me something Hutch?”
“You just name it partner.”
“Let me wear my hat?”
Puppy dog eyes peeked out from under a halo of dark curls and that Starsky smile finished me off. “I promise.”
Secretly I thanked God above that Starsky’s childlike enthusiasm for the holidays had not been destroyed by Gunther’s bullets; for that I would say a prayer of thanks each night for the rest of my life.
…
…
We found a parking space fairly close to one of the entrances to the Mall. I was glad about that because Starsky still tired very quickly and he’d be worn out before we even got into the Mall. I had thought of dropping him off at the entrance and then parking the car but I thought better of it when I saw a brief flash of panic in Starsky’s eyes at the suggestion .He needed me to stay physically close to him, he didn’t want to be left alone even for the briefest of times.
I parked the car and got out, walked around to the passenger side and waited for Starsky to get out of the car. He managed on his own but let me put an arm around his waist and we began walking through the parking lot to the entrance of the Mall.
But about half way there a police car, a black and white, made it’s way slowly down the same row of the parking lot that we were walking in. These patrol cars were used during the holidays to deter would-be purse snatchers and thieves that prayed on Christmas shoppers.
Starsky moved closer, bumping into me. He reached for me with his hands, and the expression on his face was out and out terror.
Starsky wasn’t seeing a police car patrolling a Mall parking lot at Christmas time…he was seeing the police garage at Parker Center and the automatic weapon aimed at us…
He froze in his tracks.
Oh shit, “hey it’s just a routine patrol… Starsk?”
His hands had a death grip on my jacket sleeves. His eyes were still riveted on the patrol car coming our way.
I spoke to him again. “Starsky look at me Babe.”
His head slowly turned away from the car to focus on me. He gulped in some air.
“For a minute I thought… it was like…the garage, the gun…”
His voice trailed off and he couldn’t finished his sentence.
“Hey buddy, I know, believe me I know and I’m so sorry, wish we had gone down the other row or I’d have seen them first, I’m so very sorry.”
His hands slowly loosened their death grip on my jacket and dropped down to his sides.
“Hutch, I’m still a mess, I’m sorry.
“Hey, nothing to be sorry for partner, I just hate to see you get this upset. You gonna be all right? Do you want to go to the Mall some other time? We can come back another day.”
The Santa hat shook back and forth. “No, ‘cause if I do that then Gunther will have taken even more from me then he already has, I won’t let him mess up Christmas for us.
“Let’s go in.” With that said Starsky would do his best to put the unnerving incident behind him. I knew that it really bothered him to feel so vulnerable and I knew he wondered if he would ever feel really secure again.
Memories of those dark and desperate days and nights came flooding back to me.
While he was still in the hospital he had confessed to me that the only time he felt safe at all anymore was when I was there with him. That was the day that I made a decision to stay at the hospital each night, either sleeping in the chair beside his bed or in the bed next to his when it was unoccupied.
His shooting had shaken both of us up in different ways all the way down to the core of our beings and the only way either of us could rest was to be together, ‘Me and Thee.’
I shook my head trying to clear it from the memories of those desperate days.
Starsky had made it, he had survived and was on the road to recovery, that’s all that counted now.
…
…
As we walked into the Mall the first thing we saw was a temporary kiosk had been set up for the holiday season. This one had all kinds of Christmas trinkets, Santa hats, sleigh bells, red plastic stick on Rudolph noses, there were even some felt antlers that doubled as ear muffs.
Starsky headed straight for the stuff.
“Hey Hutch, look at these ‘noses’, they’re kind of neat and he picked one up and held it up to my face and grinned.” I could almost hear the wheels turning in is mind.
“Oh no, no way, don’t even think that I’m gonna be Rudolph to your Santa; there I draw the line.”
“But Huuttch.”
The words came out in a pleading tone.
“Forget it, Starsk.”
“Scrooge.” He said to me. “Where is your Christmas spirit?”
(My Christmas spirit? Thank God, my Christmas spirit is standing right in here in front of me wearing a Santa hat)
I put my hands on his shoulders and steered him away from Rudolph’s noses to the main part of the Mall. I thought I heard him mumble under his breath…”Would have made a neat reindeer.”
“What?, I asked him.”
“I didn’t say anything, you must be hearing things Blondie.”
…
…
This time our trip to the Mall wasn’t for Christmas presents for our family and friends. We had gotten into the habit of coming down to the Mall and just walking around, Starsky needed the exercise and the Mall was a perfect place to do just that. He could walk around and when he got tired could rest on one of the many benches placed throughout the Mall’s walkways. Although my partner rarely admitted it he found it necessary to stop and sit down several times during our trips to the Mall.
Of course we never missed ‘The Creamery’s Mall store. It was always one of our stops; there I could always get Starsky to eat some ice cream, the more the better. He was twenty pounds down from his pre-shooting weight and he needed to regain as much of it as he possibly could. The Creamery was a good place to start.
…
…
“Hutch, let’s go find out where the ‘Angel Tree’ is this year.”
After all my best friend was going through he still put other people’s needs in front of his, and this time it was the children’s needs that were foremost in my partner’s mind.
The Angel Tree was strategically placed in the center section of the Mall across from the Mall’s toy store We walked up to the tree. All of the Angel Tags were gone from the bottom of the tree and before I could stop him Starsky reached up over his head to pick two tags off of the tree.
“Oh… that hurt.”
He put his arm back down and wrapped both of his arms around his middle and closed his eyes and groaned. “I shouldn’t have done that, got a cramp. It hurts Hutch.”
“Hey buddy, easy now, you gonna be okay?”
Starsky’s face had paled and he was breathing too fast. The simple act of reaching above his head for the Angel Tags was painful and that pain showed clearly in his eyes and face. I watched him closely and then decided that sitting down for a few minutes might be a good idea.
He let me steer him over to the nearest bench and we sat down side by side and I began rubbing his back with a slow back and forth motion. It was so unfair that Starsky had to still hurt this much , it tore at my heart each and every time something like this happened.
“It’s okay Hutch, I know better by now not to do that.”
“You sure you’re all right babe?”
He nodded at me, I’m okay but I would like to sit here for a few more minutes, I continued to rub his back and he leaned back on the bench into my hand.
We sat on the bench for a few more minutes.
“Starsk, you want me to grab an Angel tag for you?”
“Guess I better let you do it, if I try that again I’ll wind up in the ER, that really hurt.”
It shook me to hear Starsky make that last comment, he still hurt so much and things are still so hard for him, the anger that I held for James Gunther threatened to surface once again. Many nights I had gotten little or no sleep keeping a vigil over Starsky trying to soothe his fears and share his pain, and on those nights I could have easily killed Gunther with my bare hands.
I got up off the bench and picked two Angel Tags from the tree, went back to the bench and handed one to Starsky.
He looked at the name on his tag.
“Oh, man Hutch, I got a girl’s name, Hutch I don’t know how to buy girl presents.”
“Luck of the draw buddy, but you’re not alone I have a girl’s name too. We’ll find something.”
“But first things first, how are you feeling, that cramp easing up yet? Do you want to go look for those toys for our Angels or would you rather just go on home? It’s up to you.”
“I’ll make it, but I wouldn’t mind a hand up from this bench, still hurts a little.”
I put my arm around his back and waist and his hands held onto my jacket.
I saw the short intake of breath he took as he stood up, buddy I think you hurt more than you want to admit but my partner was determined to go toy shopping for our Angels.
…
…
Now a toy store is normally not a place to go with my partner unless you have half a day to wind up, try out, shake, push buttons and play with everything on the shelves or until the sales person gives the ultimatum, either ‘buy something’ or please leave.
In the past Starsky had always drawn a boy’s name from the Angel Tree, this year he was at a lose as to where to start when we walked into the toy store. A kind sales lady came to our rescue and helped us find two gifts for our Angels. I had kept my arm around Starsky’s waist because his steps were hesitant and slow, he was tiring fast. With the toys paid for and in their bags we headed out of the store to put them under the Angel Tree.
“Come on partner, I think we need to get you off your feet. Let’s drop the presents off and head on home.”
“No, not yet Hutch, let’s get some ice cream, I can sit down there for a while. ‘Sides you keep telling me I gotta eat more.”
We found a table almost in front of The Creamery store.
Starsky carefully settled down into a chair looking happy but tired.
“Okay ‘Santa’, what kind of concoction do you want this time?”
He thought for a minute and with a mischievous grin on his face said.
“How about that pretty little thing behind the counter for starters.”
“Partner, that kind of thought will get you twenty years to life.”
He sighed.
“Well then ‘Santa’ would like a triple strawberry candy cane sundae with double hot fudge and make sure they put plenty of those candy cane chips on top.”
The girl at the counter handed me our orders, all the while she was busy looking past me and in the direction of my partner.
“Tell your curly haired friend there that I think he looks adorable in his Santa hat, and he can climb down ‘my’ chimney anytime he wants.”
I smiled at the girl and headed over to the table that Starsky was at.
“Here you go partner, this thing is huge, I don’t know where you’re gonna put it.”
Starsky eagerly dug into the ice cream sundae in front of him.
We sat and ate our treats in companionable silence.
“That was good Hutch, what did you get anyway, some kind of phony ice cream?”
“It’s not phony ice cream, it’s chocolate yogurt and it’s good for you.”
“If you say so…oo.”
A yawn escaped my partner’s mouth and he looked over at me.
“Hutch all of a sudden I’m so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open.”
“That’s what I thought Gordo, so let’s head on home.”
…
…
As soon as we arrived back home Starsky kicked off his adidas and laid down on the couch.
I pulled the ever present afghan off the back of the couch and covered him up. I made him lift up his head long enough to put a pillow under him and snatched off the Santa hat that he still had on.
A sleepy-eyed Starsky looked up at me through half-closed eyes and I heard him mumble something…”Still think you would have made a great Rudolph…”
The End
I want to wish all of you a happy and safe holiday and all the best in the coming year.
Lots of Love, Linda C.