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Saving Daniel | |||||||||||||||
Some of you may wonder why I chose to continue my pregnancy after the Trisomy 18 diagnosis. I have been quiet about this for a time, but now I want to share that part of my story. When my husband and I first learned that there might be problems with our baby boy, we were, naturally, devastated. Early on, I tried not to think about it too much and instead focused my energy on praying for a miracle. Many of my friends and church community were also praying. My family and I were surrounded by love and grace. Then the word came that my baby Danny was "abnormal." Many physical problems... probable retardation... most likely he would die inside me or live for a few hours or days at best... My world and my faith crumbled. I remember sitting in the parking lot at Blockbuster Video, holding my pregnant belly and sobbing and yelling at God, "Don't you DARE touch my baby, you (blank blank)! Don't you DARE hurt my son! I won't LET you hurt him!"... on, and on... I used quite a bit of 'colorful' language during this diatribe. I was just so damn mad and felt so betrayed by my God, whom I had always loved and trusted so much. It was more than I could take. Later, I felt a lot of guilt over this and other similar episodes where I blamed God for inflicting this on my son and on my family. My spiritual director kept telling me, "God can take your anger. Give it to God, who created it." And she encouraged me to read the psalms-- especially the psalms dealing with longing and grief and anger. And to allow myself to be open to the questions and the answers and to go right ahead and shake my fists at the heavens from time to time. When my husband took me up to the University of Washington for the more intense work up and sonogram, the doctor (very gently, I might add) explained to us that T18 this severe was basically incompatible with life and that termination would be a reasonable option. Part of me actually considered it. Which, for me, is amazing, because I have always been so opposed to abortion for a variety of reasons. I wondered if it would be more loving to release my baby from all the possible pain he could be in. But Daniel danced about in my womb and I remember clutching my belly and looking tearfully at my husband and saying, "I can't kill him. I can't. I love him too much." I realized that I could never know for certain whether or not Daniel was suffering and that his life in my womb could be all the human life he ever knew. Who was I to take that away from him? I have such a hard time judging other women for opting to interrupt their pregnancies with Trisomy babies. I understand the desperation and the fear... But I also know that many of those with whom I have spoken have been severely wounded in mind, heart and body by having had an abortion. And so I offer the following links that could help in your healing journey. And to those folks who have not yet made the decision, I offer my prayers and my story. I hope they might be of some help at this frightening time in your journey. God bless and keep you. |
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Healing After the Choice | |||||||||||||||
Project Rachel | |||||||||||||||
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