I am in search of your understanding and forgiveness

because the guilt over the hell I created in your world

binds my life to yours. I need your forgiveness in order to

move on and break the ties. It would be my hope that

someday we can establish a healthier tie to one another. It

is critical to me that we part with at least and

understanding of what has happened. Your

understanding will unlock the door that holds me to the

desperation I feel and will allow me to finalize this in my

own mind. My life now is made up of nothing but

memories of the times we had. You and I must live with

the fact that that time even existed.

I was once, but now I am dragged to the dark.

I look and I hope, but for one single spark, but nothing

could make even a bit of a mark, in my hopeless,

blackened, eternal dark, something I could never have, is

that which I want.

I look the world over in a unending hunt, my feelings so

vast, never are they blunt, my feeling for that, the one

thing I want.

So here I sit a rhyme without reason burning to death in

Hell's unending season.

From fire to ice, now I am freezing, locked inside, but for

what, what reason? Before long, I shall be dead, within

my hell my dying bed, from my body my life having bled,

within the end I can only be dead, no I see the beginning of

the end, it is dark without light or even a bend, this I tell

you, to my one only friend.

My acts were of desperation, my acts were only the

reflection of my feelings, and I could not stop the pain

from leaking outside. I am very sorry about the places I

brought you to, I am full of regret but time does not let me

change what has happened. I desperately needed to find

you. I know that the acts I was taking were wrong, but

when I compared them to what would have happened if I

stopped looking and gave up hope and how I could live

with no hope; the consequences of those acts seemed

meaningless. My only worry was that I would not find you

to beg for your forgiveness before I would stop and give

up hope.

It may seem that in my quest to reach you I had no

restrictions as to my actions, but I had one... I would not

give up control over the quest. No matter with whom I

spoke to about you and asked for help, I never gave up

any information that would make me loose control over

my quest. For once I would lose control, I would then give

up hope. This meant there were certain agencies and

poeple I would not seek help from because it would be

their curiosity and obligations that would make them

intervene in my quest and perhaps put a stop to it. I never

talked to the police. I never talked to any agency that

could or would intervene. I never gave up info to anyone

that they could use gainst me and more importantly you.

Because the threat of someone taking you to a place I

could not reach you, would make me give up hope.

You must understand that I understand and know of the

place you feel most hopeless and I inhabit that place as

well. It is from that place that the desperation comes and it

is that desperation that clouds the ability to stop and

reflect. We do learn from our mistakes, but only when we

are free, free from what makes us fail, and once we gain

that freedom, gaining the ability to relfect and what I am

seeing in my acitons is causing me great pain.

I do feel responsible for your place in life now, but I

constantly thank that I was finally able to find you.

Because now with the reflection I am gaining, I realize

that there was the possibility of our seperation being for

eternity, but thankfully we are both still here now and I

ask for your forgiveness so that you and I can move on. I

truly see now to return pain for pain only has created the

future certainty of the like reacton of more pain ultimately

ending in complete disaster. The first step is for

forgiveness, because in forgiveness lies the end to the cycle.

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and accepting what

has happened because it will not change. Forgiveness is

dismissing the blame, choices were made that caused the

hurt, we each could have chosen differently but we didn't,

forgiveness is looking at the pain, learning the lessons it

has produced, and understanding what we have learned.

Forgiveness, allows us to move on towards a better

understanding of universal love and our true purpose.

Forgiveness is knowing that love is the answer to all

questions and that we are in some way connected.

Forgiveness is starting over with the knowlege we have gained.

I have nothing but pages of pain and broken dreams

wrestling in the aftershock of what was, me standing

there, the maiden against time, tearing down the only soul

who's ever been my friend. I'll always love you.

" 7 "