| How could you? I once read an email forward, it was a sad story about a dog who had been abandoned and put down, called ‘how could you’ the dog, before it had been sent to a better place had become a ‘prisoner of love’ before it passed on. At the time that I read it, I didn’t quite understand what the story meant. And yet, not two years later, not ten minutes ago, my small world came into contact with words that stung, hurt, and may have done some irreversible damage, of course, as is my nature, I forgive the one who caused my… pain, but it is also my nature to never allow her to forget. Sadly, many go through worse pain, thousands die, hundreds suffer, and so why should I be any special? Well I’m not, but I want to express myself. As a rule, I don’t write sad or sappy fics. Why? Because I don’t do sappy. But, when I write sad…. Well, you’ll see. Not more then five minutes ago I held a blade to my wrists, and gently cut along, not even drawing blood. Yes it still hurt, but the knife was jaggered, so I figured, why not try a sharp, flat plane blade. Of course, I had one handy and I drew it across my wrists, not drawing blood. But wondering. How many people would miss me? How many people would suffer for this one selfish act? How would one of my best friends, who caused this sudden upset feel? And finally, who would I let down to do this to myself? A few people would mourn me, some because I was a friend, other because I left on bad terms with them… and they would feel bad. Three people would suffer for this act, not including my mother, one would be a best friend, who is even more fucked up in the head and emotionally then me, the second would be the friend who caused this ‘on a joke’ and the third would be a friend who is more stuffed emotionally then me or my friends. My friend who is a best, would most likely hate living if she knew that her actions, even though she’d only been joking and hadn’t done anything, which I realise, almost in some twisted way, I would almost find that a kind of revenge… but what’s revenge when all you cause is suffering. I would let down one friend, who needs me more then anything else in the world… although she hasn’t realised it yet, I believe I am one of the only things keeping her sane. So, I put the knife back in its place, and made hot chocolate, to calm my nerves. And I knew when my friend realised she’d hurt me, that she would call. Inside my head, I predicted what I would do. I didn’t want to fight… I fought with my friends in primary, and I hated it. So I couldn’t be angry with her. This made me cry a bit more, but I had to think, because she would call. I couldn’t not answer, because that would make it more painful for both of us. How could I show her, that what she’d done had hurt without making her hate me or break our wonderful friendship? Well I really couldn’t tell her properly. So, when she rang, I calmly picked up the phone and said ‘I hope you didn’t do what I think you did’ then, being the egotistical girl that I am, hung up. Two minutes later, while I typed this up again the phone rang. I let it go for a while… considering, wondering. ‘I’ll email you in a minute’. Hang up. She was obviously getting annoyed, and not realising… I WAS in pain too, and I don’t deal well with that type of thing. So again she rang. I let the phone ring, listening when the answering machine came on. She wasn’t happy. But neither was I. So, I picked up again. There was a pause, in which we both… measured each other. It’s a girl thing. ‘I’ll email you in a minute’. ‘Okay… I’m going back online now.’ The tension level went down. But the pain is still there. I am going to email this to her. So she knows, knows that ‘her only joking’ hurt me. And I know she didn’t mean too. That’s why I can’t get angry with her. She’s one of my best friends. And I believe I hers. Hopefully she understands… if not. I guess I screwed up again. ~ Touch the sky in you’re eyes, but know that with the good also comes the bad, and think before you act, measure situations… always trust you’re friends. |