| Nice Guys |
| Following is a response to comments made here. For those who care not to read them, what follows is something of a standalone entry about "nice guys finishing last" in relationships. Enjoy! Good points, Amberdulen... But, I think it's funny that there's a hidden undercurrent through the whole thing... Girls, nice or otherwise, are impatient. Now, the "not nice" girls take that impatience and make it active as they run after guys, use them, and move on. Because, after all, most of the guys that fall into relationships quickly are the ones that aren't worth keeping. (The "not nice" guys.) Now, "nice girls" can be divided into "stupid" and "not stupid". The stupid nice girls will accept whatever offer happens to come along because, after all, girls are impatient, and the stupid nice girl doesn't have any intelligence to counteract the impatience. So, this girl gets hurt time and time again by the aggressive "not nice" guys who use her and leave her. She's always waiting for the knight in shining armor to come along, but doesn't know the difference between shining armor and gangbanger bling. Then you have the "not stupid" nice girls. These girls are just as cautious as the nice guys. So, like nice guys, they are not aggressive, slow, self-limiting, and emotionally invested. (Note: I don't feel it necessary to divide between "stupid" and "not stupid" nice guys. See, all guys are stupid. Myself included.) So, these girls are eternally frustrated. They're always waiting for a knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet. But, the only knights that come along are wearing suspiciously black armor. Meanwhile, the "nice guys" are tilling the fields. So, the "not stupid" nice girls are sitting around watching for every knight that comes along, and likewise (rightfully) turning them away on account of suspicion. Then, they turn to their farming neighbor "nice guy" and complain about how there aren't any worthy guys. Guy hears: "This includes you." So, the nice guy who has been slowly building a friendship with the girl (as he believes is best for everyone's emotional wellbeing) then rules out the possibility of ever moving the relationship past friendship. Usually he says "I don't want to ruin the friendship" or something equally false, but just as valid a way as denying the de facto rejection. So, what do we do? Nice guys can be aggressive, and get the "not nice" girls that will leave them as soon as someone handsomer or braver or more exciting comes along (nice guys, after all, are notoriously not exciting). Or nice guys can be aggressive and get the ever-hurt stupid nice girls with all their emotional baggage. Frankly, no one actually WANTS that. Fortunately for them, "not nice" guys don't care about the emotional baggage, so they can ignore it. Finally, the nice guy can aggressively pursue the not stupid nice girl and get turned down (okay, "smacked down" is usually the better phrase). Why does she do this? Because the aggressive ones are the ones that would use her and leave her and she doesn't want that. So, the nice guy returns from his foray emotionally spent, regardless who he ends up meeting on it. He has either been used, emotionally drained, or flat-out rejected. Like you said, nice guys are hit hard by such things. And so they give up for awhile. So, while you claim that guys can fix the problem by being more aggressive, I must totally disagree. True, nice guys may need to be a bit more aggressive. But, if they're going to be, then not stupid nice girls need to be a bit less defensive, or it will never work. Personally, I don't have that much hope in not stupid nice girls. Mainly because I think they understand reality, and reality is that less defensive = hurt more. This is because "aggressive nice" and "aggressive not nice" are not distinguishable in the very short time period before a relationship gets going, if impatience prevails. So, my advice falls to the nice not stupid girls. Here's a four point plan to bag a nice guy: 1. Look at the guy friends you already have. They very easily may like you "like that", but be playing it safe. 2. Don't talk about guys in general terms with your guy friends. Remember, your guy friends are GUYS and will include themselves in whatever you say about guys, even if there's a hasty "present company excluded" added to the end. That, my friends, is a cop out. And nice guys see right through it. And when they do, you have cemented your friendship for a long time. Because, as Amberdulen pointed out, the nice guy will not recover from that for a while. So, if you must condemn guys to your guy friends, then do so in very specific terms. Phrases like "Guys are pigs." "Guys drool, girls rule." "Guys are such wimps." do not endear you to your friends' hearts. Phrases like "So-and-so is such a jerk." "So-and-so is an idiot." are far safer. If my friend told me that "Bob is a jerk" I would not be turned off to the possibility of a relationship with the friend later on. If my friend told me that "Guys are such jerks. Just the other day, Bob was a jerk.", then I immediately know that this person considers me to be a jerk, just like Bob. 3. Wait. If you refuse to make a move, that's okay. Just realize that you're going to be waiting for awhile for a nice guy to make a move. Amberdulen spoke the truth, they are slow. Maddeningly slow. They will drive you absolutely insane with how slow they are. But, it is because they want the same thing YOU want. They want a relationship that will end in something other than a bloodbath. And in their mind, there is one other option: marriage. [Note: nice guys often have had a few girl friends. So, they (think they) know the truth of this "two option" scenario.] So, they will sit and wait and think and pray until they are reasonably sure that marrying you is a decent possibility. THEN they will ask you out. Maybe. They might wait even MORE just to be even MORE sure. 4. When the time finally comes, jump. Don't play hard to get. To the nice guy, hard to get = rejection, therefore impossible to get. Now that doesn't mean you tip your hand and show all your cards and totally lose all mystery. It means that you make your interest clearly affirmative. Note: even nice guys are stupid. So, when I say clearly affirmative, I mean CLEARLY affirmative. Exercise to get this right: First, don't put your real meaning in the subtext. Say it directly. After you've achieved this (I know it will take a while girls, but that gives you something to do while you're waiting), pretend you're telling an 8-yr. old the direct thing you want to say. Now, you're at a level where most guys in normal emotional state will have a 50% chance of getting your real meaning. Now, pretend you're telling your dog... no, your PUPPY... the thing. Now you have about a 60% chance of a nervous nice guy who just asked you out as he's been thinking about doing for several months understanding that you are, in fact, accepting the invitation out of genuine interest in him. Not good odds, I know. But, it's the best you're going to get. Because, see, guys are dense. Not stupid. Just dense. They don't see meaning through words. You probably know this already. Most girls do. But, girls seem to have a terrible time APPLYING this knowledge. I don't know whether it's because they just forget the fact that guys are dense or if it's because they actually like messing with guys. Probably a little of both. But, I digress. It comes down to this: If you discourage a nice guy, say goodbye to the relationship. He's already invested all his emotional energy into asking you out. If he gets the slightest hint of a "no", then he will immediately go emotionally bankrupt. Then, he'll leave the scene for awhile to build up his reserves again until he can manage to ask someone else. Note the last two words: someone else. Not you. He will not ask you again. If he does, count yourself extremely lucky. Extremely. I cannot express how lucky you are. Think of someone who wins the Powerball Jackpot. $250 million dollars. They aren't nearly as lucky as you are if a nice guy gives you a second chance. As far as he's concerned, you've stabbed him in the chest, twisted the knife, stepped on his face while wearing cleats, kicked him in the side, and then nuked the remains just to be sure that he is completely and utterly destroyed. Overdramatic? Sure. Well, sure, IF he had only been thinking about asking you out for the last 15 minutes instead of the last 6 months! Sure if he saw you only as someone who was going to spend dinner and a movie with instead of as his potential wife. Sure if... Well, you get the idea. Just remember. When you say "no" to a "not nice" guy, he doesn't care, but when you say "no" to a nice guy, you have taken everything he's worked for, all his plans for the future of his marital life, and stomped them under your feet, spit on them, then slapped him in the face for "not thinking about your feelings", when, in reality, that's all he's been thinking about (at least in his own mind). Am I being unfair? I don't think so. Nice girls, think about your own relationships. When a guy breaks up with you, do you care? Of course you do! Because you have been seeing what your name would look like with his last name for as long as since he asked you out. You may even have accidentally signed your "married name" on forms you had to fill out, you are so sure of where the relationship is going to go. Then, in one swift "I think we should see other people", your entire life gets thrown in the garbage disposal (to put it lightly). Your "no" is exactly the same to the nice guy asking you out. Now, does that mean you should never say "no"? Of course not. If you don't want the relationship, say no. Say it quickly and firmly. Don't think "Oh, I'll hurt his feelings." You will, but not NEARLY as much as saying "Yes" followed by "I think we should break up." Don't think "But I'm cutting off the possibilty of a relationship down the line." That's right, you are. But, there are plenty of people out there. You can find another relationship. So, do nice guys finish last? Yep. Fortunately, good relationships aren't a race, so it doesn't matter in the end. |
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