She knew she would never see her mother again, would never have a chance to, not unless she dug up her grave, which was morbid even for Lily. And now they would never be together again-and she hadn't gotten to say goodbye. Swallowing with difficulty the lump in her throat, Lily pulled on her Hogwarts robes. It was only twelve, but she still drew all of the curtains, closed the compartment door, and went into a fitful doze, waking every hour, and expecting to see someone who she, the next instant, realized she never would see again.
The train stopped when it was dark outside. It was only in the last few minutes that Lily noticed that no one had come in to visit her-she had spent her time absently brushing and re-brushing her hair with her mother's grandmother's silver filigree comb. Heavy-hearted and depressed, she pulled out the first Jungle Book volume and stepped off of the train at the Hogsmeade station, sheltering the book from the light drizzle. Climbing into a carriage smelling of moth balls, she arranged her robes around her and turned to the chapter about the Red Dog, still alone.
When the horseless carriages arrived at Hogwarts, she let herself drift along with the crowd to the Great Hall, sitting down next to Abigail and Sirius. She barely noticed as the first years were crowded in and the hat sang its song-the same tune as the year before this-but she did look up when Professor McGonagall picked up a scroll and started reading off students' names, instead of the hat doing that. Puzzled, Lily pulled Sirius' sleeve.
"Why isn't the hat calling out the names?"
Sirius turned around, perplexed, but then his frown cleared. "Of course-you weren't here at the last Sorting. Well-you remember what James did your first year here? At the Sorting, I mean."
Lily smiled-a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Of course I do. That hat was beating him around the ears and-well, anyway, go on."
Professor McGonagall and the hat interrupted. "Hitchmough, Bathilda!"
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
"So, Professor Dumbledore didn't want to have that happen again. This is a new measure."
"Oh." Lily nodded. "I see." They turned to the stage in time to see "Hix, Rupert," become a Gryffindor.
The feast, wonderful as usual, was a bit wasted on Lily, who spent her dinnertime with half of a baked potato and her book. Sirius and Abigail were urging her to eat, but the idea of two hundred dogs of the Dekkan being drowned in a pool, with their bodies and large, dark rings plopping up sort of ruined her appetite. She would have explained this, but she didn't want to spoil anyone else's.
They went up to Gryffindor Tower some time later, the new password (Clam chowder) was passed around, and very soon, everyone was busy in the common room, talking loudly or playing a variety of games. Lily, strangely, although she had had several naps on the train, was dead tired and went to her dormitory as soon as possible, falling asleep before she could get her socks off.
Lily woke the next morning as soon as the sun pushed its rays over the horizon. At five in the morning, the dormitory was filled with gentle snores and wheezes, so she was extra quiet as she pulled a fresh set of clothes out of her dormitory, along with a set of Hogwarts robes.
Slipping quietly into the bathroom, she changed into the emerald green shirt and jazz pants her mother had sent her. The burns on her arm and back were still evident, and she had tried covering them up over the holidays by using bandages on her arm and always having something on her lower back. But one time when she had been in the pool, the bandages had slipped off, and Eva had been shocked by the black marks. Lily had found no explanation for them, so she had stayed out of her friend's way till Eva forgot.
Half-heartedly pulling her soft, silky hair about her face and pushing loose ends behind her ears, she emerged, first slipping into her black robes. Downstairs, an elf was scurrying out of the common room after lighting the fires, so Lily was able to bury herself in Robin Hood in peace. Of course, the word 'peace' was invented before James Potter came along, and no one had seemed to allow for that creature when they made that word. Whenever James Potter was within a one hundred mile radius of somewhere, there was never, ever peace. At least, peace as it was defined in the dictionary.
He came romping down the dormitory stairs, with an undeniable air of carelessness. Lily looked at him questioningly. He wasn't aware yet that she was up; since she had curled up in an armchair that had a dark blanket draped over it, and so she blended in nicely. It was only when he flung himself on the floor in front of the fire and stretched out his hands, to warm them, that he noticed her presence.
"Oh–you're here? Didn't notice you."
"I realize that."
"Well, geez–you don't have to be so mean! I just said hi!"
"I know you did."
"Well, then, what's wrong? If anyone has a right to be angry, it's me."
"That was your own fault. You didn't have to sign that thing."
"Yeah, and you took advantage of the fact that my mother would hold me to it. Wh–what's wrong?"
His face drew together in concerned lines as hers saddened and grew pale. Lily had only heard the words 'my mother', and she felt a sharp wrench somewhere in her chest. He had a mother, one that would hug him and forgive every little thing he ever could and did do wrong, one that would comfort or help in any way she could. As if it were a picture, the image of children being hugged and kissed goodbye at train stations jumped to mind. She hadn't noticed, back at King's Cross, how many parents there were, how many proud and sorrowful parents saying goodbye to their children, who were squirming to get free.
Lily had no idea her face had relaxed from its tautness and softened into a grieving sort of half-smile, the eyes half-closed, staring but looking through whatever it was.
"Is something wrong?"
She didn't answer, and he took her by one shoulder, shaking it. "Lily!"
Startled out of her thoughts, for an instant, James looked in two bottomless eyes, with naked fear and loss and hurt in them. Then, as if a curtain had dropped over the pupils, they returned to the ones he knew, forest-green, mocking, with a sort of shine to them.
"I'm fine. Don't ever do that again."
He peered closely at her, at the moist area where her eyelashes met whenever she blinked. "It's your mother, isn't it?"
She whipped her head around to look at him, and he had the uncomfortable feeling that she was pulling his thoughts out one by one, and examining every particle. What she had really been thinking–what she had been afraid of was that he might know everything about Tom–about what had happened that summer. The glance he had given her after he had startled her out of her ponderings had seemed as if he knew everything, had pulled away the coverings that hid her innermost secrets. But, after looking at his slightly puzzled, open countenance, she was satisfied and her fears receded. Then, with a smile that didn't reach her eyes, she dropped her head to one side.
"I miss her. You don't know how much I did–how much I loved her."
He nodded. "I think I do."
"You couldn't possibly. You never knew anyone–anyone quite like her."
"No–but I know you."
Her head gave the little characteristic tilt again, as if she were comparing two vases she wanted to purchase. "What difference does that make?"
"Plenty. Everyone says you're so like her–and so, in a way, I did know her. I think everyone here would be devastated if you died."
His speech had sounded sincere, but it called to mind the aggressive faces of the Gryffindors after she had allegedly attacked Serena last year, and she pulled away.
"Don't think you have to flatter me. Don't even think that you have to try to comfort me–nothing you ever do will make a difference. I couldn't care less what this whole stupid school thinks about me, and the sooner you learn that, the better."
The anger and hate on her face had startled him greatly, especially as he had no idea where the attack came from. Like a wounded cobra, she had launched herself at him, spitting all the venom she could at him, and rejoicing if one of her drops of poison touched him and made him cringe. That was one of the moments when he started to understand some of her–some part of her that she kept veiled most of the time, and only let out when she couldn't help it.
She was capable of so much anger and hate–of so many emotions that had been detestable in others. But in her–when they emerged, it gave her the look of someone supernatural–of someone who didn't belong here and was fighting tooth and nail to be let out of her cage. And this frightened him, for he had no idea what she was trying to escape from but knew it was something even the bravest would shrink from.
She was one of the bravest people he knew, though he had no idea where that had come from, but it had settled in his mind and wouldn't be dislodged. He tried to, but it stayed there, firmly, as though it had been there from the first time he had met her.
James would have died rather than admit this to anyone, but that ferocity, that wildness, that figure of a panther about to pounce–it intrigued him, as if he could never find out what exactly she was, as though she was a mystery to all of mankind–a valuable jewel, locked inside her savage, fickle, easily bored mind and heart. And she was so independent–it seemed that no one was ever to find the key.
It was six-thirty in the morning, but Lily figured that, as breakfast was usually served at seven, it wouldn't hurt if she got there a bit early. Dawdling on purpose and going through several roundabout corridors, talking to the Gryffindor ghost–Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, but everyone called him Nearly Headless Nick, as his head was still attached to his neck by a half-inch of skin– she reached the Great Hall and only had to wait ten minutes before the tables were filled with food. Hungry–well, actually, more voracious than hungry–Lily attacked her plate, filled with buttered toast, eggs, bacon, oatmeal with cinnamon on top, and poppy-seed rolls. Around seven-thirty, the Great Hall was half-full, and Professor McGonagall went up and down the tables, handing out schedules. Lily's dropped on top of the book propped in front of her just as Eva slid into the seat next to her.
"Oh, good, schedules! Lemme see yours." Not waiting for a nod of agreement, she pulled it off of the book and studied it as she heaped her own plate.
"Darn, you're lucky–I hear Study of Ancient Runes is pretty good. You've got that first thing, by the way. And isn't that beautiful–you've got second with the Slytherins–why they have to follow us around in Potions I don't know, but I wish they wouldn’t…umm–wait–you're taking Anatomy? Oh, right…" She broke off into a series of snorts mixed with giggles. "Lily, look at this!"
As ordered, Lily took the schedule. "What?"
"You've got Anatomy right before lunch tomorrow and right after lunch on Friday!"
"So?"
"You're either going to be throwing up in that class or not eating anything!"
Lily calmly tucked her schedule away. "Wimp. You know me better than that."
"Who knows who better than what?" Sirius had let himself fall into the seat on the other side of Lily, and had coolly taken the schedule from her pocket as his own landed right in front of him. "You get first period with me–yippee–we all know how much fun that's going to be!" He gave a frighteningly large, sarcastic grin, but snapped back to normal after getting the weird looks from the rest of the table. "Oh, man, do we really have to ruin our first day back like this?"
"Like what?"
"We have Divination last. And right before lunch Wednesday, too. This is going to be a nightmare…"
Lily rolled her eyes, making a mental note to bring along extra reading material to that class.
They stepped into the Study of Ancient Runes class at nine. The room was interesting; it was filled with what looked like ancient scrolls posted all over the walls. When Professor Sartan stepped into the room, she didn't bother with calling roll, as usual; she simply gave them each an alphabet of some unknown language and told them to figure out which one it was by their knowledge of the scrolls pasted on the walls. They had a fun lesson, and, as this class was usually noisy, it provided ample opportunity for talking.
"Lily, you finally decided to do something with your hair?"
Lily shrugged. "Yeah–Mother didn't like it when I stopped, so–"
He cut her off. "I understand. Really."
She nodded her head in relief. "Thanks."
He squinted at her. "Lily?"
"Hum?"
"You haven't gotten over your mother's death at all, have you?"
With the same unveiled eyes that she had glared at James with in the common room, she now looked at Sirius, except that, instead of anger, sorrow and hurt was staring at him. "I miss her so much. I never thought I would–I never thought she was anything more than an annoying parent after I went here. And now–now– " She turned to her alphabet. "Now I know better, and it's too late."
Sirius put an arm around her shoulders, and with a start discovered that the very nerves in her were shaking, shaking uncontrollably. But at his touch she calmed down, breathing normally. That was the best indication he had ever received of the amount she loved and missed her mother.
He ignored for the time being the snickering looks that were thrown at them, the whisperings and gossip he knew would be all over the school by lunchtime. And Lily was too drawn inside herself to notice.
That day at lunch, she did notice the fingers pointing at her and Sirius, but, as she had told James that morning in the common room, she honestly couldn't care less about what the school thought about her. They had condemned her forever simply by being–well, the nicest word for that was 'different', strange, and impulsive, not caring what she looked like, and acting quite the opposite of a traditional girl. And she simply had responded to that by mocking the so-called etiquette she was supposed to follow, and, needless to say, no one had like that very much.
Abigail sat down next to her, nervously looking from her to Sirius, and looking quite like a sort of goldfish, Lily thought, but she kept her comment to herself.
"What? Is there an ax stuck in the back of my head or something?"
Abigail shook her head. "Lily, is it true, what they're saying about you?"
"Many things are, many things aren't, and chances are this is one of the aren'ts. What is it this time?"
"That you're going out with Sirius."
Sirius rolled his eyes, and Lily was overcome with an attack of mocking laughter. "Is that the best they could come up with? Yes. That was one of the aren'ts."
"Oh." Abigail looked a bit disappointed. "Oh." She turned to her salad.
Professor Zimmerman, as usual, was a bit clueless as to the extents to which James and Sirius would go to disrupt the lesson, so she gave them a free period while she tried to fix the door to her office, which kept swinging open and shut, ignoring the charms Professor Zimmerman was perplexedly casting as she tried to make it stay shut. So they got to spend an hour and a half of whatever they wanted to do; in Lily's case, this was her Potions and Study of Ancient Runes homework; in the case of the rest of the class, it was trying to squeeze out of Sirius what really happened in first period. His mouth stayed shut, however, and it was rather amusing to watch the disappointed and angry faces of the girls in the classroom that assumed he was simply not saying anything because he was too embarrassed to admit it. Sirius knew that denials would do no good, and, wisely, he refrained from doing so.
Divination went wonderfully well, for a change. Professor Trelawney had come down with a cold and had sent in a substitute, who knew absolutely nothing of Divination and only told them to answer the section review in their book.
Next day, Lily was surprisingly excited all through Transfiguration. Sirius was puzzled as to why, but his unspoken question was answered when she pushed her schedule over to him and he saw the title of her next period, which she had underlined and surrounded several times: Anatomy of Magical Creatures.
Lily stepped into the Anatomy room, which had formerly been an unused dungeon, but now was outfitted with a dozen lab tables, chairs, charts tacked up all over the walls, a large cabinet in the corner, locked, and an elongated sink, about eight feet long, with two gargoyle spouts serving as faucets, and several hundred spikes sticking out from the wall above the sink, serving as a drying rack for utensils. With an excited smile on her face, Lily slipped into her seat. She did frown a bit as the other half of the class came in, among them James Potter. The class wasn't just made up of Gryffindors; they had people from all four houses, though all of them were fourth years. Lily's frown intensified as James took a seat at her lab table, somewhat near the middle and off to the side, near the wall.
"What're you doing here?"
"Sitting."
"I can tell. Go sit somewhere else."
"Too late. Places all taken."
Lily would have humphed in response, but the entrance of a teacher made her quickly change her mind and pull out her Anatomy book.
The teacher that stepped into the room was tall, with dark hair hanging down to his shoulders and navy blue robes. He seemed to be rather sluggish, so the class was surprised at the speed at which he drifted over to the board, picked up a piece of chalk, and wrote his name.
"Professor Maar. That would be me. Now–anyone ever taken Anatomy before?"
No one raised his or her hand.
"No one? Shame…we're going to have to start out with frogs, then. All right–" he clapped his hands once–"turn to page xii in your books."
They obeyed quickly, and when they did so, they found on it a complete drawing of the nervous, digestive, and skeletal systems of the frog.
"Everyone there? Good. Hang on just a minute–" He moved over to the cabinet in the front of the room, unlocked it deftly, and pulled out a flat box and a white plastic bag. Placing everything on his desk, he opened the box to reveal an elaborate dissection kit. The bag held two halves of a freeze-dried frog.
Professor Maar looked up at the class. "I might say now that if there is anyone in here who cannot stand looking at dead animals, they are free to leave now. As we advance, you will be looking at more complex creatures, some of them close to human, if not human. I am not sure on that point–I will need to contact the body farm for permission to use their subjects and settle some things with the Ministry of Magic. But I say again, if you do not wish to do this, you may leave now."
No one stood up, and Professor Maar smiled in satisfaction. "All right–everyone come here. You don't need to bring anything except something to bear down on, something for taking notes with, and parchment. You're taking notes."
Quickly, the class circled around his desk, taking notes frantically as they watched their teacher take apart the frog, which he did swiftly, as he did everything else. He lifted almost every particle of the frog, holding it up for the class to see and explaining its importance and jobs. And, forty-five minutes later, he had re-seated the class and given each lab table one frog. They were to sketch each part that he had commented on, from the front and back. Lily had to lift the brain and heart and other things when they were to draw the spinal cord, as she had a rather queasy partner.
Satisfied, she went to lunch after cleaning up. Sirius and Amanda attacked her the instant she came in.
"So, how was the class?"
"Very nice. Interesting, too. We had a practical lesson and started with frogs. I have the funny feeling James didn't like it."
"James signed up for that?"
"You didn't know? He did, and I'll bet you anything he's wishing he didn't. He didn't like lifting up the–"
"STOP!"
"Geez, Amanda, calm down!"
"I'm about to eat. Shut up–please," she added as an afterthought.
"Sure. What's for lunch?"
James came into the Great Hall, looking a bit sick. "Lily, you're really callous. Do you know, Sirius, she practically cut up that whole stinking frog without wrinkling her nose? There's something wrong there."
"There is."
James was puzzled. "Lil–why?"
"If you sign up for a class, you should expect that. I think it's a bit strange that someone that volunteered for a class would come out of it looking sick to their stomach."
Sirius laughed. "She has a point, James!"
James scowled. "Shut up!"
The next Anatomy lesson was held on Friday, after lunch, and it was probably a good thing that they didn't have a practical lesson. They were simply reading the preface and summarizing it, which prevented many trips to the bathroom because people were throwing up. They were going to be working on a fetal pig next Tuesday, Professor Maar told them, and he wasn't going to be letting anyone out to go throw up. If they wanted to do that, don't bother coming, but he wasn't letting them out.
He might be very strict, Lily thought, but he was likable and a very good teacher.
That weekend, Lily, Diana, Serena, Elspeth, and Abigail were awakened by a loud crash and a whizzing at six-thirty in the morning. When they managed to tear their curtains aside and look at the room, they found a hole in the window and a Bludger rocketing out of the hole in the glass. Running to the broken pane, stepping nimbly over the shards, Lily peered out of the window, looking straight into the face of Nigel Patil, the Gryffindor team captain, who was hovering at eye level on his broom.
"Oops."
"I should say so! What on earth was that doing in here?"
Nigel grinned. "Joseph!"
The clumsy Gryffindor Beater, Joseph DeVonn, flew forward just as Serena joined Lily at the window.
"Was that you?"
"Yeah..."
Serena shook her head. "You'd better be glad I'm too tired to go for my wand. As is, though–She reached back, and, before Joseph knew what was happening, had slapped him, hard, across the mouth. "Don't EVER do that again!" Not waiting for an answer, she slammed the window shut, making some shards that hadn't fallen yet fly onto the grounds, pulled the curtains, and stomped into bed. "I'm going back to sleep. And if ANYONE disturbs me, they're going to regret it!"
Abigail and Lily glanced at each other, and rolled their eyes. Lily walked over to the window, yanked the curtains open, letting in the light, and leaned far out. "You're staying away from this window!" she yelled at the retreating Quidditch team.
Laughing at Serena's enraged countenance, Lily pulled out her fencing team T-shirt and a pair of jeans, and, after pulling on a pair of interesting socks with Coke bottles printed all over them and her sneakers, she coolly got out her brush and stepped in front of the dormitory's mirror, ignoring the whispering Serena, Diana, and Elspeth. Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she fastened it with a black scrunchie and got into her Hogwarts robes. Lily grabbed her school bag, partly completed homework, and Hamlet, and went down to the common room, Abigail following her.
They finished up their History of Magic essay, and, by the time they were finished with the Divination questions and answers, it was eight o'clock and past time for breakfast.
When they stepped into the Great Hall, they were a bit surprised. Obviously, they had missed something, for the tables were a mess, food was everywhere, people were yelling wildly, and Professor McGonagall was handing out detentions right and left.
Lily slipped into a seat next to Sirius, who was one of the only ones not yelling. "What happened?"
"Food fight."
"I can tell. But how did it start?"
"Well–we had Quidditch tryouts at the end of last year to Ashley Thomas–that Chaser on our team. Well, one of the people that tried out and didn't get picked has a brother over in Slytherin, so the Slytherins started attacking us, saying something about discrimination against people with Slytherin siblings, and it sorta took off."
"Ah."
"It wasn't pretty."
"I can tell! But who did get picked?"
"Sixth year. Rebecca Oxley. She's not bad, but–well, this might not turn out so well."
"I can tell."
That Tuesday, tension was high between the Houses, and the Anatomy, Study of Ancient Runes (which they took with the Ravenclaws), Potions (with the Slytherins), and Herbology (with Hufflepuff) lessons were getting to be rather distanced. Each professor was trying his or her hardest to make the students get over this, but with no success. There were two groups of students in each House: those siding with a different House and those siding with their own. After hearing both sides of the story, however, Lily had formed her own, one-woman group: where no one cared either which way.
No one was too happy about that except the teachers, and in second period, before lunch, where every House had representatives, people had started flinging naval cords of fetal pigs across the room, causing Professor Maar to lose his usual coolness and give them extra homework. That didn't help any, and everyone left the room with jinxes sprouting out of the end of his or her wand.
It was only when Lily got hit with a Devil's Ear hex mixed with a temporary blindness one that she snapped and started attacking everyone in the direction the jinx had come from, sending several people to the hospital wing, among them Gryffindors. That sort of made her even more of an outcast among the students, not that she really cared, but some of her friends did.
