Deep Inside of Me

By: Quatre-Chan

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everything and I mean everything is wrong? Thoughts, feelings and just your being? If so than you know how I feel. My being is just wrong. I mean my father left way before I was born, it just sounds like he kncoked my mom up and just took off and I often wonder if I am the cause of his leaving... My grandmother hates me and is rather pissed at mom because she kept me. Just those two things alone make me want to run away from everything.

Who would want someone like me around if you cause them pain. That's all I ever seem to do, bring everyone down. I hurt my mother because I can't take the world around me and I try to end my life. Tracey, well, he's always been there. But I know he's in pain watching me do things. But I can't help the way I feel, if I could I wouldn't feel the way I do. I wouldn't want die so much and that would stop my mom and everyone else from worrying about me.

My feelings are wrong... I am in love with my best friend and it's wrong. I know it is, but I can't ignore the way my heart sinks when he leaves my side or the calmness I feel when he takes me into my arms to sooth away my sorrow. I don't want to lose that and I don't want him to be made fun of if we did start going out. I'm scared to know if my mother finds out she'll try to "fix" me because homosexuallity is wrong...

She often told me that Grandma raised her in believing that and I worry if she believes it too. Everyone basically looks down on me as it is. Calling me a kid and all, what they don't realize is that I have been through more in 12 years than they most likely have in their whole lives.

Death has made it's appearance twice in my family and the two that passed on were the ones who understood and excepted me no matter what. My uncle was my father figure and died in a car crash. My sister meant the world to me and she was lost to a sick and twisted man. Because of those two events my saddness just kept growing, after Rachel's death was when I started to cut my wrist...

On my left wrist are a number of scars. Some out of guilt that I couldn't protect my sister like I promised. The others are just me trying to focus on something other than my inner pain. Some are dangerously close to my vain, but I don't realize I got that close until the scar forms. I don't think when I am in that state of mind and it scares me to no end...

Within that time frame when I am like that I tend to slip into a depression. Sometimes I don't even know why, I just do. When I sit with my friends in that state I feel like I'm ignored, but most likely I wasn't and when I feel like that I get up and leave the room or building depending on where I am. Also in that time I feel my creativity slipping away. It's like I have no reason to do anything. I stop writting and at times stop singing because I feel like I have no emotion. No passion for what I am doing. I know it worries everyone when I get like that...

There have been some occassions where Jay has asked me what was wrong and I said I was okay. He wouldn't understand, not many would. Tracey might, but no need to bring him down any farther.

Tracey has always been one to understand me, but I know one of the things he wants to know I can't explain. The night... when he was taking care of me, my back started to bleed and black feathers were floating down next to me... I can't tell him or the others that I had wings all of a sudden, but not long after I had jumped out of the window they vanished.

Lately it has seemed like there is something or rather someone around me. But the thing is there's nothing there. I can hear someone talking to me and it's usually in my dreams, mostly after my nightmares and I see those black feathers again too.

A cool breeze passes by me. I fall to my knees, gripping my shoulders. I then hear a woman's voice saying; "All of your pain will be over soon..." I shutter out of fear.

I want to know what's happening to me...

The End