FILIA'S ULTIMATE NIGHTMARE:
The Adventures of XELLOS: Positive Male Role-Model
 

(SCENE: A cute country cottage with flowers blooming in picturesque country. Inside the living room, the front door swings open.)

XELLOS: Hello.  Everyone, I'm home.

TWO CHILDREN'S VOICES: Daddy! (Two lavender haired/eyed children aged 4-5 run into the living room.  They seem to have familiar smiling eyes and grins as a certain monster. . .)

XELLOS: Amelia! Gourry! What did my two little imps do today? (The pigtailed female child jumps into Xellos's arms. While the male child, with a bowl cut, throws his arms around Xellos's leg and hugs.)

AMELIA: Oh Daddy! We helped Widow McMurpy carry home her groceries from the market.

GOURRY: You should have seen how high that old bat jumped when the frogs started to jump out of the bags! (All of them start laughing.)

PRETEEN'S VOICE (With a slight British accent. (At least in the Dubbed version)): The Town Healer says she will back on her feet in a matter of weeks.

(A 12 years old version of the ancient dragon we know and love walks into the room.)

GIRL'S VOICE: Daddy! (A 9-10 year old girl with long purple hair and large golden eyes runs from behind Valgaav.)

XELLOS: Valgaav!  Lina! (She hugs Xellos with smiling eyes.) How's it going son? (As he ruffles Valgaav's hair with his free hand.)

VALGAAV: (Smiles.) I'm doing fine

XELLOS: And Lina. How are...

FILIA'S VOICE: (From the other room.) ‘That is a secret!' ‘That is a secret!!'  DON'T YOU EVER SAY ‘THAT IS A SECRET' TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

(A blond haired boy, age 8, sprints from the kitchen door across the room to the door to the hallway. A second later, he peeks from the hall door. He has large purple eyes and shining gold hair.)

BOY: Dad. (He runs and hugs Xellos and then hides behind him.)

XELLOS: Zelgadis.  You didn't cause your mother grief.

ZELGADIS: No, not really. . .

FILIA'S VOICE: ZELGADIS PHIBRIZO XELLOS! YOU COME BACK HERE!

(Shot of the children and Xellos standing there blinking with wide, visible eyes.)

VALGAAV: She's kinda using full names currently.

XELLOS: (Frowning.) Children.

LINA: She only burst into tears 4 or 5 times today.

XELLOS: That is not good enough. (Putting Amelia down and lining the children up.)  What do I always tell you. . .

CHILDREN IN UNISON: (Fidgeting and looking everywhere but straight.) Don't torment your Mother. That's Daddy's Job.

FILIA: (As she enters the room, her tail and flames visible behind her. Her eyes are closed and one of her brows twitches, as she slowly stomps in the room.) Valgaav Ul Copt, Lina Metallium Xellos, Zelgadis Phibrizo Xellos, Amelia Dolphin Xellos, Gourry Dynast Xellos. . . (Locking flaming eyes on Xellos.) YOU! XELLOS!

XELLOS: (Eyes wide with fear backing away slowly with the children huddled behind him.) Children. I think you should quickly go to bed.

LINA: But Daddy we haven't even had dinner. . .

XELLOS: Forget dinner. Go to bed. Quickly.

CHILDREN IN UNISON: (Wide eyed) Yes Sir.
 

(SCENE: Kitchen. Filia is sitting at the kitchen table, crying into her hands. Xellos is sitting next to her, trying to calm her down)

FILIA: <Sniff, sob.> Not again! We're going to have to move again. <Sniff, sob.> They're coming soon. I know they are! <Wail, sniff, sob.> They ALWAYS
have pitchforks.  Every single one of them!  Even in the middle of the city! <Wail, sniff, sob.> WHERE DO THEY GET THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
CITY?!! <Wail, sniff, sob, wail.>

XELLOS: Oh, Dear, things haven't gotten that bad yet. . .

FILIA: <Wail, sniff, sob.> The city council just passed another ordinance against the children.   That makes 187 statutes in this village alone. <Wail, sniff, sob.>
They have an 11 o'clock curfew. <Wail, sniff, sob.>

XELLOS: That's not bad. Their old curfew was sundown.

FILIA: (Looks up, pausing.) 11 o'clock in the morning!?

XELLOS: Oh, I see. . . But at least the teacher strike ended the other day.

FILIA: Only by banning YOUR children! (Starting to cry again, Xellos puts his arms around her.) <Wail, sniff, sob.>

XELLOS: You look stressed.  Tell you what.  Tonight I'm going to take you on a romantic night out on the town.  The babysitters should be here any minute. . .

FILIA: (Getting up and backing away quickly.)  Oh, no, you don't.  Last time you said that Zelgadis was born!  And anyway, the babysitters already came by to
cancel.  Miss Amelia and the Seyruun Royal Guard have been called to duty.

XELLOS: Duty?

FILIA: Seyruun just declared war today.

XELLOS: Seyruun? Declare war? Them? War on whom?

FILIA: They didn't say. It doesn't matter really.  They needed an excuse.

XELLOS: There has to be an replacement.

FILIA: Who? Mr. Zelgadis skipped town again and Mr.Gourry baby-sat three weeks ago, so he's still in a coma.

XELLOS: He was better after a week the last time.

FILIA: That is because we only left Valgaav, Zelgadis, and Lina.  We took the twins with us that time.

XELLOS: Oh yeah. . . And Lina?

FILIA: You know we can't afford her rates.  And anyway, she nearly Giga Slave'd the whole lot of them.  She was half through the spell when I came in and had
to tackle her.

XELLOS: Well, . . .

FILIA: Don't you even suggest HER again!  Not only did she start trying to play match maker between every surviving dragon and her high level minions after
she met the children, but she tried to use the children to attack Zephillia!

XELLOS: I wasn't suggesting Her.  Lord Beastmaster said that the casualties on both sides were too high, so she would never babysit them again. (Getting up,
and putting one arm around Filia and stroking her face and hair with the other hand.)  I was saying that we'll have to spend a peaceful night at home together. .
.FILIA:(Pushing him away.) Don't you say that! Last time you said that Lina was born! (Starts to cry again.) <Wail, sniff, sob.> After saving the world from
Dark Star. <Wail, sob.>  To have it destroyed by my own children!  <Wail, sniff, sob.>

XELLOS: Even Valgaav misbehaved today?  He only gets into trouble when he wants to play with the other children.

FILIA: No.  The poor dear was too busy helping me defeat three troupes of knights that came to slay his siblings.

XELLOS: Didn't the children do anything goo. . .er. . .uh. . .acceptable today?

FILIA: (Pauses for a second.) They are getting better switching from their human form to their other forms. Their dragon form was nearly perfect. (Sinking into
a sobbing heap.)<Wail, sniff, sob.> Then they flew away to raid the neighboring village while I went in to fix lunch! <Wail, sniff, sob.>

XELLOS: (Kneels and reaches over to stroke her cheek.) They were just trying to be playful.  Were there any casualties? (He leans in to kiss her.)

FILIA: (She turns her face and stands up, while waving away his hand. She wobbly walks to the wall and leans against it.)  Did you know that many scholars
are debating whether to declare our household as a replacement to Gaav or Phibrizo on the magic lore charts!?!  Imagine you and me, Joint Dark Lords!

XELLOS: (From behind he puts his hands around her waist and starts to nuzzle and kiss her neck.)  You should really try to calm down. (Filia closes her eyes and visibly relaxes.) How ‘bout I draw you nice hot bath and then I can give you a nice back rub and. . .

FILIA: (Startled, she jumps and backs away, baring her teeth.) Oh, no, you don't! Last time you said that WE GOT THE TWINS!!

XELLOS: (Rubbing the back of his head and grimacing.)  I get the feeling that I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight.

FILIA: (Flames in her eyes.) GGGRRRRRRRRRR...!!

(Eyes wide in fear, Xellos slowly backs way.)
 

(SCENE: Filia storms past the doorway of a dark room.  She pauses and looks in.  In the room are five small beds.  From a window, moonlight bathes the beds' inhabitants in white light.  Their small round faces glow with angelic innocence and the background seems filled with a thousand motes of light.  Their gentle inhaling and exhaling fall into a steady rhythm with the chirping of crickets and other nighttime sounds.   A gentle breeze from the window carries the slight whiff of rose and honeysuckle on it.

Filia relaxes and slumps against the doorframe, mesmerized by the beauty of her own children.  Filia sighs and smiles contentedly, as she watches their eyelashes twitch and their bodies shift as they enter dream states.

Still bathed in moonlight, she sees smiles spread across their tiny faces.  "How perfect this all seems. . .,"Filia thinks to herself, until every smile, except for Valgaav's, widens to show rows of small, pearly white, fanged teeth.  The chorus of their breaths is suddenly interrupted by bouts of the twins growling simultaneously.  Zelgadis begins to mutter, "Take that and that and...,"while chuckling.  Lina punctuates this new song with an occasional, mad cackle. Valgaav only nuzzles into his covers deeper, reassured by the nighttime ballad of his demonic-dragon siblings.

Filia staggers back. Her eye twitching)

(SCENE: Lina Inverse sits up and looks around the smoldering campfire surrounded by several bedrolls.  Three of them are filled and over one of them stand two figures, talking.  One has a low smooth voice and the other a smug, nasal voice (at least in the Dubbed Version.))

ZELGADIS:  . . . some sort or attack?

XELLOS: I don't know. I just found her like this.

ZELGADIS: Maybe if we wake her?

LINA: (While rubbing her eyes, she looks down at Filia's struggling form.)What's going on?

XELLOS: I don't know.  I was startled awake by a deluge of anger and fear that I have never felt before.

LINA: Weird. (They all lean over her.)

FILIA: (Suddenly sitting straight up.) YOU! (Eyes flaming.)

(They all jump back.  Xellos eyes open wide in real fear.)

FILIA: Xellos! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! (Chasing him with her mace.)

XELLOS: WHATDIDI DO!?!

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