So, you've decided to take the path of your distant ancestors and indulge in devouring human flesh. Good for you! This exciting hobby is enjoyed by many, and some say the thrill of the hunt and the kill is better than sex. The real delight, however, is the succulent tender flesh that you get to sink your teeth into.
GOLDEN RULES OF CANNIBALISM:
- Fingerprints are a cannibal's worst enemy. Always wear gloves.
- Never, EVER get caught.
- Do not attempt to eat anyone famous. There's always a witness or a bodyguard.
- Do not eat yourself. Then... y'know, you won't be able to eat anymore. And that would be silly.
- Never see your meal as a person, only as meat. You don't want your conscience speaking up.
PROS:
- Exciting
- Fulfilling
- Sustaining
- Scare factor
- Win bets at the pub
CONS:
- Highly illegal
- Incredibly illegal
- Makes you a freak
- Constant cleaning
- One mistake and you're locked up
STEP 1: ACQUIRING YOUR MEAL
Your prey should be chosen carefully. Ensure you know this person well enough to know if they have any hideous diseases or not. You don't want to go catching Hepatitis or AIDs just because you chose the wrong meal. Go for 'chunky' people, they have lots of meat on the bones and minimal fat. Alternatively, babies serve as a small meal in themselves and take much less time to prepare and cook. Also take into account all of the various different types of people around. Some people are partial to white meat, others prefer black, whilst others prefer a mix of both, lightly powdered with peppered bone dust.
Once you've selected your potential meal, you must 'acquire' them without them making too much of a mess or too much noise. A large, blunt weapon is usually capable of incapacitating your meal before they know what's happening. However, you can't just do it in the middle of the street. Most people object to watching their friends being bludgeoned viciously and then dragged away to be eaten. The optimal way of bagging your feed is to follow them to deserted areas, such as dark alleyways or to the back yard of their own house. Once they're alone and completely unaware of your prescence, knock them out and immediately plunge their face into water until they stop breathing. You'll want to avoid particularly messy deaths like stabbing or shooting, because you want most of that meat intact!
Do not kill your prey in a room with wooden floorboards. Blood will get under them, and you will not be able to remove it. Hence, you will inevitably leave evidence.
A tried and tested way of avoiding the law with your kill is to select a drunk, and set everything up in a way that makes it look like he foolishly killed himself by accident whilst hitting the bottle. The alcohol in his system will make foul play seem less likely.
STEP 2: PREPARING YOUR MEAL
To get the skin from the skull, remove the head of your victim and boil it in a large pot for several hours. You'll notice the skin starting to peel. At that point, remove it with a pair of tongs or a wooden spoon and hang it up on a small hook or a curtain rod to dry. Some people like to cover it with salt and paprika to spice the meat, but I believe this reduces the quality and can also leave blister-like appendages on the skin of your kill. Once the meat is dry, cut away about an inch of the skin around the 'eyes', as this skin is often untasteful due to the fact that whilst alive it is constantly subjected to fluids that can make it taste odd.
The rest of the meat is really up to you. If you've chosen a baby, you can prepare it like a roast for a sharp, hearty flavour, or just cook up the ribs as you would any other animal. The roast method isn't really conventional for a full grown adult kill. You'd be better off preserving the meat by pickling it or grinding it up into burger patties for later convenience. It's especially fun to feed these patties to unsuspecting, non-cannibal people. Then charge them for it.
STEP 3: AVOIDING THE LAW
You will need to clean the 'kill zone' after you've finished with your prey. You will need a lot of time. Slow and methodical cleans are the best, all rush jobs leave something behind. Any and all blood should be disposed of with a powerful solvent and all affected surfaces lightly sprinkled with chalk to help counteract the 'tinny' smell that blood leaves. Naturally, limbs and unwanted meat / organs should be disposed of in an incinerator (preferably at a camp site or a beach), or sealed in concrete blocks and dropped to the bottom of the ocean. Under no circumstances should you choose a method of disposal that leaves anything recognisable behind, at least on the surface world.
Once your kill zone is clean, you have the option of burning the area or leaving it be. Burning is incredibly suspicious, especially if they don't find a body in the blaze and the person is missing. However, if you can forge journals by the victim regarding leaving the country under another name, the questions will be fewer. Burning is an easy way to dispose of anything you could have left behind, but be aware that the very method you use to start the fire could be traced back to you, so it's best to make it look like an accident by putting the end of a pair of curtains on a lit candle or a stove. The fire should only have ONE point of origin, or it'll look too fishy. Start a fire in a particularly fire-susceptible room. ONE fire. Then, let the rest of the house follow. If you're impatient and light another fire, you'll make it look intentional. You want to avoid this.
STEP 4: DEALING WITH GUILT
After you've consumed someone, or several people, most people feel short stabs of guilt and fear. Especially so if you've eaten babies. The best way to counter this is simply to go out and kill someone else. If you keep feeding your insatiable hunger for human flesh, you should be too focused on the job at hand rather than worrying about minor niggles like the fact that you're devouring your fellow humans.
The easy way of stopping the guilt is to kill yourself. However, this method has slight drawbacks, such as the fact you'll be dead. It's probably a better idea to go out and confess your crime(s) if you get to this stage. Sure, you'll go to jail or maybe even death row, but at least you'll get a roof over your head and a meal each day. And no guy is going to be making you bend for the soap. Who would put their genitals anywhere near a cannibal?
If niether of these options sounds worthy to you, you could always try not giving a shit. It's not like you're ever going to see your victims again. It's not like they care about being eaten. They're just meat anyway.
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