Whether you've been singled out by some big-headed bully, or you just want to be the hardest nut in your gang of losers, you'll want to know how to fight. Naturally, what you need to know can't be picked up by reading alone, but maybe this guide will give you enough base knowledge to get your head kicked in, and possibly do the same to your attacker.
GOLDEN RULES OF FIGHTING:
- Do not pick a fight with someone who could force your toes into your ears
- Avoid mystical-looking chinese men
- Only use 'Dirty' moves when there's nobody else around
- Don't get beaten
PROS:
- Fear factor
- Physical and reactional conditioning
- You get to hurt someone
CONS:
- If you lose, it will hurt
- The more people you beat, the more people come looking for you
- You are guaranteed to lose your piercings
STEP 1: PSYCHING OUT YOUR OPPONENT
OK, so you've got to the stage where a fight is inevitable. The best thing you can do prior to a fight is make your opponent doubt their own abilities when it comes to matching yours. Petty threats like, "I will kill you" will only fire them up more. Instead, say stuff like "I wish you knew what you were up against", "Your arse is mine", or "Are you ready yet?" If you're the one being psyched out, a tried and tested method is to say "what's that over there?" and bolt like a lamb, although this doesn't do much for your hard nut image. Alternatively, you could laugh every time they use their psyche-out methods. You'd be surprised what laughing in someone's serious face can do to their confidence. You could also be surprised by an unexpected iron bar to the cheek.
STEP 2: DETERMINING FIGHTING PATTERNS
Once the fight has officially started and you're both jumping around like hoons, watch your opponent's movements. See which side they tend to favour when attacking, see if they have any physical problems like one bad knee, and determine whether their aggressiveness or lack thereof can be used to your advantage. If they charge in with both fists swinging, it's likely you can catch them off guard with a simple side step followed by a powerful attack such as a king hit or a bullet to the back of the skull. Preferably the king hit, you can kinda get in trouble by ending their life. At least while there's people around or people that know of your fight. Extra points if you eat the bits that fall off.
STEP 3: DOING INITIAL DAMAGE
The initial damage you want to do should be central to their favoured attacking limb or to the 'tender' bits of their body, like the nose, stomach, any piercings, or the throat. Genitals work too, but you don't want anyone else seeing you do this, because it's just dirty. If you do dirty moves, expect to have them thrown right back at you. If your opponent goes straight for the genitals, remove their eyeballs with a rusty nail. If they can't see your genitals, they can't hit them. Alternatively, wear some sort of protective 'box' on your prized bits of meat, although this is the more boring and predictable option. Once you've crippled their favourite limb, removed enough vital organs, or sufficiently damaged one of their 'tender' bits, they're likely to give up and hand you the crown. If not, proceed to the next step.
STEP 4: FINISHING OFF
You're probably both pretty injured by now, but you can't let your injuries get the best of you. In fact, it's often possible to use your injuries to your advantage. If you're missing an arm, find it and use it as a bludgeoning weapon, you can probably use the extra range. If your head is caved in, pull out some brain to gross the opponent out, then attack when they're vomiting. The list is endless. Anyway, once you're finished doing all this and the fight looks like it's in its final stages, it's time to bring in your most vicious attacks to make sure they stay down. If you've been hiding a metal baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire somewhere, now's the time to retrieve it. If you're against using weapons (like me, as long as the opponent doesn't have any), now's the time to laugh maniacally and use your fists like a battering ram until the other person is an unrecognizable mass of quivering flesh. It's also fun to make sculptures out of them once they reach this state, the "statue of liberty" pose seems to be a popular one. All that's left now is cleaning yourself up afterwards, win or lose. All I can say is, don't wear your favourite shirt in the ring, and never under any circumstances should you build a hut and fill it with crocodiles. Not that that's got anything to do with it.
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