Secret Love

He has been in prison for a year. Is this a good reason to fall in love with the first woman you kiss when you get out? No, probably not. But still, the first time he saw her, in real, (because he had seen her on television) he remembered all the dreams he had between those gray walls, in jail. He dreamed of a woman. A woman so soft and tender that he wouldnt wake up in the morning. He never saw her face but could always hear her voice. When he met her, he knew that was HER. Calista. "Oh! Oh! Hi! It's really nice to meet you! It's so nice to have you here..." she says with a smile. "Same here" They shook hands. He keep her hand in his, not wanting to let it go. They were at David E Kelly's house. The producer decided to make a big party to celebrate the beginning of the season. All the actors were there. Robert had met all of them. They were all dancing even DEK who was looking as he was going to fall on the floor. Everybody was a little drunk. Calista was there just in front of him. For the first time in his live, he didn't know what to say. He was just looking at her. She looked really gorgeous. "God, prison made me so annoying," he though. "There's a beautiful woman next to me and i don't know how to converse with her. What an idiot!" "So...is this the first role you have since..." she said breaking the silence. "Oh yeah", he whispered. "It's going to be my first tv show." They talked a little bit about his movies and hers. Before that night, he always though that Tv was low behind movies.. but now, he was really looking forward to begin the filming of the show. His character was very interesting and there was Calista. "Oh hey! Here's Portia I've got to go catch things up with her. Have you met her?" "I did. She seems nice...Unlike her character." he replied with a light laugh. "I really have to go anyway. There's too much tentation here Well,you know...alcool. I got to stay clean." "Yeah...I understand. It's ok...So..." she looked directly into his eyes. "See you in two days." "Okay" Those two days are going to be long, he thought. *    *    *    *    * Robert has been praticing his part seriously. During his prison time, he really was missing acting. Acting was his life. The only thing that matters after his son Indio. Going to the set of "Ally McBeal" , he felt nervous. Not because he was afraid of acting again... but because he was about to see...her. And there she was. Just waiting for him to pratice their first scene together. "Oh! Hi Robert! How are you? Was it hard to get up this morning? I got caught in traffic. Unbelievable... it's 5 am! Now, there's a technical problem with something. God! I hate when it starts like this. I just can wait to begin, not that i dont like been in vacation but...I was reading my script. Did you?" Calista said, talking really fast. "I'm okay... you?" he asked with a wide smile "By the way... Do you always talk and run on sentences?" She laughed, remembering that line was from the script. "Hey! I guess you read your script... I'm sorry. How wouldn't you?" She raised her head and took a deep breath. "I'm really sorry. I'm always nervous when we begin a new season." "So how about we go praticing our scenes" asked Robert "Are you in the mind for a fight?" "Huh?" "It seems like our characters don't get along that well.." Robert was looking down at his script, concerned. "Oh! Believe me We are... hmm... they are gonna to get along" She looked at him with a mysterious smile. Working with Calista was an amazing experience. She was funny, spontaneous and always attentive to him. He did was a bit nervous been with her, but he was trying to concentrate on his work. After all, Larry Paul was a great character. He had fun playing him. It was exciting to be in a court room and to be with Calista... Soon, they were shooting pictures for magazines and doing interviews. They presented him as Ally's love interest. If only they knew... "We've worked a lot. I'm exhausted! How about a coffee?" Calista was already up, taking her coat. "Oh sure!" he helped her to put her coat on. He could smell her. She didn't wear perfume but she smelled fruit. He could stay near to her for hours. "You know... I..." "Hmmm?" She didn't move an inch. "I really like... working with you and... fighting with you!" She laughed. "Ok instead of a coffee, we could get in a ring and fight! I'm a pretty good kickboxer. You would be surprised!" "Nah! I did exercice a lot in jail But I couldn't hurt you" Calista stopped smilling and looked a little embarrassed "How was it? I mean in jail. Are you okay...now? "Yeah..." he looked away, thinking. "I'm okay now..." then he looked back at her. They stared at each other without saying anything. Then she joked and they laughed like they weren't talking about jail a minute ago. Calista was just like that, serious a minute and the other joking. He had nothing against that. He just so loved to see her smile that was so contagious. They were working together for about three weeks. Robert was feeling a little more relaxed with her. Every morning they went to take a coffee together. It becamed a routine. The kind of routine that you don't get tired of. The were very casual, just like friends. Their favorite subject of conversation: Ally and Larry. One day, as they were reading their mutual scrips, very concentrated, something came out of Roberts mouth: "I think I have a crush on you..." "W...What?" Calista exclaimed looking directly at him. "I mean...Larry has a crush on you... on Ally...hmmm." He was almost hiding himself behind the papers. "What am I doing," he thought. "I'm acting like a teenager in love. God! She has an effect on me!" "I'm sorry Calista. You know, I'm so into this character! I don't even remember my own name..." he joked, trying to rescue himself. She looked at him. Her cheeks were a little pink, he could see that. Still, he was feeling like a complete idiot. "Oh! I don't even remember your name either", she answered after a long silence. "Let me introduce myself. Ally McBeal. You are?" "Larry Paul" he smilled, feeling relief. They shook hands and laughed. Robert was able to make abstraction of his "crush" on Calista while they were filming scenes, until... their first on-screen kiss... *    *    *    *    * "Cut!" said the director "Great job! You were really into it... both of you" As usual, everybody on the set did applause. As soon as the camera got off, Calista and Robert moved away quickly, looking everywhere but to each other. All she could think of was: "Where is my damn glass of water?" When she found it, she hold on to it, like it was a lifebuoy. It wasn't because she had a dry mouth syndrom like her character or that she was thirsty or even disgusted by this kiss. She had to do something! She rushed to her logde, leaving Robert on the set. "Oh! my God! Oh! my God!" she gasped. She washed her face with cold water like it could help her to forget that her hands were shaking. The second before Robert leaned to her to kiss her, she saw something in his eyes. "What are you thinking?" she thought searching for a hand towel. "You're thinking he has REAL feelings for you?" She heard so much times how a wordeful gifted actor he was. Been next to him almost everyday, she beginned to look closely at him. When he was Larry, he seemed confident, professionnal, taking his work seriously... but off-camera, he acted a different way, especially... when he was with her! He seemed less confident, even clumsy sometimes. But, most of all, he was always staring at her with that sweet smile and a spark in his brown eyes. "Gosh! This is so embarassing! What am I going to do?" She hurried to change clothes, picked up her things and went out of her lodge. She closed the door. "You're hungry?" She stepped, surprised that Robert was just behind her. She turned a little embarassed. He was really close to her, too close. Again... that smile. "Oh! Hey! I... " She couldn't move or even look at him. The only thing she was looking at was the floor. Like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "Hmm.. Maybe..." "You know... a kissing scene in one shot, that's a record! Usually, with camera angles and everything, we have to repeat it again and again" he said with rolling eyes. "I... I know..." she blushed, trying not to think of the feeling of his breath on the top of her head. "You are a good kisser... you know" he whispered "I know..." She stepped back, confused "No I mean... I don't!" Now, she was looking at his lips. She heard that little voice in her head: "Here we go again!" It wasn't the first time she had that feeling... Having problems to "get out" of her character. She had been Ally for the past 3 years and even when she did theater, she sometimes felt a little something for some of her partners. But, that's part of the job, she always told herself. To make an audience believe in a love story, you have to give a little of yourself. So like always, she would go home and the feeling would be gone. If only she could take her eyes of his lips... "So... Are you hungry?" Robert insisted. All of a suddent, images flashed into her mind. Him and her, tearing each other's clothes off, in the shower, in the elevator... "No!" She practically screamed. "Comon! You haven't eat a thing since this morning!" "Oh! Eat..." She sounded like she didn't know what that word meant. "I'll pay...if it's a problem!" He joked. "Let's see" He looked in his pockets. "I have twenty bucks..." Images went out of her mind. She laughed, happy that his joke helped her to purify her... thoughts "Ok,then!" As she was following him to his car, she couldn't believe she said yes. She sat next to him. The only word she had in mind was.... Yummy! "Damn Ally McBeal! I'm sometimes acting just like her!" she mumbled to herself. *    *    *    *    * Now, Ally and Larry were officially a couple. But Calista and Robert were just friends. A month had past since they had their first on screen kiss. In fact, they had to kiss almost everyday... for the camera. She sometimes had "images" that went through her head. But she could controle them and replace them by a sad memory. It was a good actor trick, to make emotions pop out... They have become close friends, sharing lunch everyday. They talked about almost everything. They laughed, joked, had fun. Calista noticed that Robert was more and more comfortable with her. Sometimes when they were walking down the street, he took her hand in his,like it was a natural thing to do. She felt okay with this. She had tried to rationalize the situation. She told herself: "Ok, the guy needs comfort. He needs a friend." She often imagined him in prison all alone in his cell. And then she sighed "Poor guy". Calista was able to go home after work, not thinking about him. She had so many things in mind such as the idea of adopting a baby. She has always thought about it, always wanted kids but, she never did anything about it. Now, she was seriously making calls. This great project was occupying, her in most of her free times. So, everything was fine... "Calista... What are you going on thankgiving night?" Robert asked while they were preparing for a scene together. He replaced his glasses and flashed a smile at her. "Oh...I...Maybe I'll go visit my parents, I don't know." "Oh, okay..." "You? What are you gonna do? Spend the evening with your son?" "Actually, he'll be with his mother and her.. new boyfriend" he replied, suddenly sad. "Do you still love her?" Calista asked immediately. She couldn't believe what came out of her mouth. "No... It's over. Things have changed. We are still friends though..." "Oh!" "Why are you asking this?" Robert was looking down at her with an attentive look. He had his arms crossed on his chess. They were in Larry's office. He sat on "his desk" waiting for an answer, while technicians were preparing the set. "I was just... curious" she said with a hesitant voice. She replaced her hair, just to do something. They had those moments where there was insinuations. It was a little weird. If she had the chance, she could dig a hole in the floor and hide in it...until it ends. All she could do was... take a deep breath. The only way to escape this, they had to joke or change subject. "Calista, Robert, ready?" asked the director who just arrived. "About thanksgiving...if you change your mind about going to your parent's...we could have dinner..." proposed Robert with a soft voice. And again... He had that smile. "Ok, first scene. Larry you have to show to Ally the christmas decorations. Then you kiss her..." "I think I need a few days off" Calista thought with a sigh. She had to admit to herself that something was going on. But with her tendency to rationalize everything, she couldn't. Then a few days later, it striked her. They were taking a break between two shots. Robert was sitting at the piano,looking absorbed by his thoughts. Calista and Jane were discussing their previous scene together. "Hey Robert! It's been a long time since you sang us something!" "You have a special request?" "Hmm...let me think..." Calista said, scratching her head. "Oh wait... I may have something for you, Calista" Then her heart stopped. You give your hand to me And then you say hello And I can hardly speak My heart is beating so And anyone can tell You think you know me well But you don't know me No you don't know the one Who dreams of you at night And longs to kiss your lips Longs to hold you tight Oh I am just a friend That's all I've ever been 'Cause you don't know me The truth snapped her in the face. The members of the cast and technicians applauded warmly. They always did when Robert was singing. But Calista was the only one not cheering up. In fact, she couldn't even move. Robert lifted his head up searching for her. She saw so much hope in his eyes and so much... Love... She couldn't take it anymore. She ran out of the set. *    *    *    *    * He had to tell her and didn't know how to. Now, he was thinking that he did a mistake. After all, she ran out. She even called sick. They even had to report the shooting of the serie, for a few days. He went to his appartement. Took a beer than an other one... *    *    *    *    * Calista was home. When she was preoccupated, she had to cook. She was baking her third cake when the door bell rang. She walked to the door and opened it. It was raining outside. And Robert was there... soaking wet. "I had to know..." She felt that her legs really weak. If only she could just shut the door and forget about him. "I have this feeling about you" he beginned, with a trembling voice "I somehow got the idea that it's mutual..." "What...what do you mean" she managed to reply. "I'm in love with you Calista." He moved a little more close to her. Staring directly at her. He had the sweetest eyes. He was expecting... Water was flowing on her porch but she didn't noticed. She was paralysed. "I just had to know..." he repeated again. She finally found the strenght to reply. "Now listen to me Robert! I'm not Ally and you're not Larry. Here is reality. Now get down to earth!" Words had came out harsh. That wasn't her intention but she couldn't do Otherwise. "No!" He whispered getting even more closer to her "You listen to me... I don't have to act being in love with you... and I'm not talking about our characters. I'm talking about us! "Have you been drinking?" she said raising her voice. He stepped back. She was looking at him with a severe look. " I knew it... I knew it..." She mumbled, taking her head in her hands. "Alcool...and stuff...that's exactly...you!" "Hey? Is that it?" he realized "That's the problem? I'm only a junkie to you? Just a poor little fragile thing?" Now, he was yelling. She didn't say anything...Almost ashamed of herself. He moved back and turning to her, he said: "By the way...Happy thanksgiving!" *    *    *    *    * When she heard it on the radio, she cried. She wasn't able to sleep last night, thinking about what happened with Robert and those things he said to her. She remembered him walking away. He looked so angry and so sad. She had tried to reach him over the phone but he wasn't there. She wanted to apologize to him for her attitude. She regretted the way she had talked to him. Those words she said, sounded so cruel. She was so shocked when he confessed his love for her that she felt scared. And now, he has been arrested. She knew she had made a mistake. The first thing Robert did when he got home was sleeping. When he woke up, two days have passed. The answering machine light was flashing but he turned it off without listening to it. He took a dark coffee, hoping it could help him to get rid of his headache. He got in the shower. If water could only washed out what happened "God! What have I done?" he asked himself, feeling on the edge of crying. He couldn't remember much of what happened on thanksgiving night. He went to a bar. Had a few more beers. People were partying around him, having fun. He was feeling miserable. Next thing he could recall was the guy who sat next to him, offering him cocaine. At first he refused. The guy said something like: "Comon! This is top quality. You'll feel high, my man, trust me on this!" All he could feel was pain...He wanted it to go away. Then he accepted. His last thought was that Calista was right about him. *    *    *    *    * Calista was in her logde, looking directly at herself in the mirror. "Hi Calista" said Jane who just arrived. "Oh! Hi!" "How are you? Have you heard about Robert being arrested? God! This is so sad!" "I know..." "Are you ok?" she sat next to her a with a concerned look. "What do you mean by that?" answered Calista brusquely looking at her. "Well...you know..." Jane smiled and she started singing: You give your hand to me And then you say hello And I can hardly speak My heart is beating so... "Ok enough! What's your point?" "The guy loves you Calista!" Calista looked down at her hands. "It seems so..." "How about you?" asked Jane leaning closer. "We have to go now" Calista said trying to escape the question. She raised up and put on her jacket. They were about to begin the filming. "Hey! Why are you running away?" "Jane, i'm not in the mood for this. I don't want to think about it or even...think about him for today. I'll see about that when he gets back next week..." "It seems you'll have no choice. He is here today." Her heart stopped. "Oh! God! What am i going to tell him?" Calista let out a sigh. *    *    *    *    * When Calista arrived on the set, Robert was already there. He was reading his script seriously. They were alone. "I thought you were taking the week off" Calista asked after taking a deep breath. He raised his head and looked back at his script. "No... actually i'm not. he said with a distant voice. "I... I'm sorry about..." He threw his script on the desk. "Did you really have to ask David to change the script? We barely have a scene together! I can take it, you know. It's not like i'm gonna bite you." "I asked...because I thought it would be easier for you. "The Ex-File" is a pretty intense episode... and i.." "Ok nothing is easy right now, but i'll get over it...like I always did." All she wanted to do right now, was to hold him tight. If only she could comfort him ... "Are you okay Robert?" "Yeah" he whispered and turned his back to her, avoiding her. "I'm really sorry, you know. I said things that I regret. I never should have treated you this way." She came closer to him. He was so handsome with that shirt and that tie. He had his arms crossed on his chest, not looking receptive at all. "You are...a good friend to me" Calista insisted with a trembling voice. "And I really care about you" He looked up at her finally with his eyes that were very sad. "I'm ashamed of myself!" "No don't be! It's all my fault! If only I wasn't so hard on you the other night. I should have known that you were serious about..." "Me being in love with you..." Robert whispered. "Yeah..." she responded with a soft voice. She could again see that little spark in his deep brown eyes. They stared at each other without saying anything, trying to read in the other's mind. Calista knew what was going on in Robert's. Now, she couldn't ignore his feelings for her. They would have to deal with that and remain friends. Was it what she wanted? To be friends with him? She didn't know. She was really feeling connected to him in a way. She did care for him a lot. But there was one problem: she was attracted to him. Very attracted to him, as she realised suddenly. "Anyway. This is not your fault... It's mine. You rejecting me, wasn't a good reason to take drugs again. You were right...i'm an addict." "Robert no!" "Listen Calista... All that happened made me realise that I have a problem. Life is full of disappointements and losts. I ruined everything... I'm thinking seriously about going to therapy. I really have to do something to get my life back on track." The director came silently. "I'm sorry to interrupt. We're about to begin the filming...if you don't mind." Calista and Robert noded and took their scripts. "Do you want to have lunch with me, this afternoon? she asked him. "We could talk about it." "Maybe it's not a good idea right now... Having lunchs with you and all that stuff... Working with you is okay... but, I may need a little time, because in some way, i'm not only addicted to drugs. I'm..." He leaned more closer to her and whispered in her ear "I'm also addicted to you." He stepped back and left her on the set. As she tried to controle the beating of her heart, she heard that little voice in her head. "Don't let this happen. Don't let the guy pursue you. Don't let him say those things to you... don't... don't..." She couldn't stop him...she knew it was to late. In a way, she couldn't help it because that was exactly what she wanted. *    *    *    *    * Robert was sleeping deeply when his phone rang. He looked at the alarm clock. It was 3 am. "Hey... What the hell..." he mumbled, trying to awake himself. "Hi you! You really have a way to answer the phone! Never thought to be a receptionnist?" "Calista...hi!" he replied with a softer tone. He sat on his bed and rubbed his eyes. "Surprised?" He was, in fact, really surprised. They had barely talked to each other since his arrest. Not that they were mad. Not at all. They agreed to concentrate on their work and put aside their friendship, for a while. And now, Calista was calling him, in the middle of the night. "Yeah! I'm a little surprised... Don't tell me you were dreaming about me..." She laughed. "No... how bad!" "So... not that it's a problem that you call me in the middle of the night. But... what's up?" "I'm sorry to call that late! I wanted to tell you... I received good news from the adoption's agency. It seems like i'll be a... mommy, in a few weeks"said with a happy giggle. "Oh! Calista... that's great! I'm really happy for you!" "I know! I just can't believe it... A little miracle! I'm meeting the mother next week. She's supposed to give birth in january. We don't know the sex of the baby yet... but, it doesn't matter to me. I'm so excited!" They remained silent on the line before Robert asked with a smile: "And you're calling everyone to tell them the good news?" " Actually, no... I called my mother...and I called...you... " she responded with hesitation. "Oh!" "Anyway... I should go to sleep even if I can't... oh geez! I can't believe it ! You must think i'm crazy. I'm really sorry that i woke you up. I just couldn't wait to tell you." she said talking really fast. "That's okay...really...no problem about that." "See you tomorrow! Good night Robert." "Good night and sweet dreams." She giggled again : "You bet!" The day after, when Robert arrived on the set, he was in a good mood. He was about to complete his last episode on the show. He had that feeling of accomplishment. Work was doing very great. He was satisfied about what he did of Larry Paul. Since his arrest, he had work on himself and went to see a therapist two times a week. He was determinate to get his life back on track. I was also trying to be optimistic about the trial. But most of all, he was intrigued about Calista's new attitude with him. Since the shooting of the "Ex-Files", he had noticed that Calista was in a way, more peacefull with him. Like he didn't "scared" her anymore. Very often, she was looking at him with a soft smile. When they shooted the love scene of the episode, in which Ally and Larry made love, he could felt that her heart was pounding really hard in her chest even though, she was laughing all the time. They had to repeat it several times until she finally was able to "concentrate" on the work and let herself go. Of course, it could have been his imagination but when she called him last night, he knew there was something behind it. Why would she call him right after her mother? It definitely meant something... "Hey!" He stepped. Calista was just behind him, looking at him with a huge smile. "Hey!" he replied and smiled back at her. "I'm so happy!" Then she hugged him suddenly. That wasn't expected... "Oh! I'm sorry!" she said, stepping back with a shy smile. "It's okay! I know what it's like to be a parent. I understand..." She cleared her throat, trying to calm herself and said: "Well this is your last day..." "Yes it is" he replied, leaning his head on the side and looking at her. "I'm gonna miss you...you know." *    *    *    *    * She woke up in the hospital. She was feeling weak and her mouth was dry. Last thing she remembered, she was on the set, cameras were on and then... everything went black. "You fainted" said Jane who was sitting on a chair next to the bed. "How do you feel?" "Oh! A little dizzy..." "There's a worried guy who wants to see... you i guess..." Then Robert appeared in the room. He haven't change his clothes and was still wearing Larry's suit. He had flowers, chocolate and two teddy bears in his arms. "Okay... don't ever faint again...these gifts were very expensive!" he joked. "Okay...I promise..." Calista replied with a light laugh. Jane kissed Calista on her pale cheek. "Take care" she said and left the room. Robert placed the gifts on the desk and sat down on Calista's bed. "Are you okay" he asked with a concerned look. He softly brushed her hair from her cheeks. "Oh! I've felt better... I was so excited with the baby thing that I forgot to eat..." "You know....it never happened before..." "What?" "A lady falling into my arms" he said, teasing her. "I didn't know, I had that effect on you!" "Oh!" "We were about to kiss...You know Ally and Larry's last kiss and then... you fainted." "Oh!"she repeated. She felt her cheeks burning up. "Or... if your intention was to escape this kiss..." "No! I was not... Maybe I was too thrilled about it..." "Oh!" It was his turn to blush. "Well, see... I'll have to come back to the set, in three days to finish... my... work..." "I don't know if I can wait till then..." Calista whispered with a sleepy voice. She couldn't believe what she just told him. Through her tired eyes, she saw Robert's smile. That was a sexy smile. If she wasn't so tired and weak, she would pull him to her and... He sighed, leaned over and kiss her on the forehead. "Try to sleep okay?" She was already asleep. *    *    *    *    * Two days later she was home finally. It was late when she heard the door bell rang. She already knew it was him. She opened the door. "Okay...Scene 20...take 2...Action!" he said She smiled. "I'm here again... On your porch... waiting for an answer." he continued Now, she was looking at his lips. "This time, If you say you're not interested, I'll understand... I'll just go home take a coffee and... She surprised him with a soft kiss. They closed the door behind them. "Calista" he whispered moving closer to her. Never her name has sounded so sweet. "Calista" She kissed him again with more passion. He pressed her firmly against him and started to unbutton her blouse with trembling fingers. "No! Robert... " she whispered. He stopped. They were staring into each other's eyes. "No...don't let me fall in love with you..." That was all he needed to hear. Their lips reached again but, it had nothing to do with a tv scene. It was passionate and wild. They were so hungry for each other that couldn't help but undress in the hallway. It was them together... at last. There was no camera on. * * * *