Lost A poetic narrative copyright © Andi Dawson 1 He was standing in the doorway, standing tall and fair; she was watching him breathing as he stood just over there. He was looking out the window, staring at the sky; she was wondering how to tell him, how to speak and not cry. He was thinking of long ago, of a time they were at ease; she was picturing him pleading, begging on his knees. He started to walk over to where she sat and stared; she wanted to say she hated him, and that she didn’t care. He asked her if she’d like a drink, something hot or something stronger; she knew she would burst if she stayed any longer. He puzzled at her response, why didn’t she say a word; she needed to speak but her thoughts were so absurd. He began to walk away, to fetch himself a drink; she wished he’d stayed out longer, given her time to think. He poured himself a whiskey, added a few cubes of ice; she remembered how she’d felt, thought maybe friendship would be nice. He asked her again if she fancied a glass of liquor; she mumbled her words as her conscience began to kick her. He sipped at his drink as silence filled the air; she stood and walked over, stumbling into a chair. He reached over to support her, grabbed her at the waist; she shivered at his touch, remembering his taste. He helped her stand then released her, taking one step back; she realised her distance, the feelings that she lacked. He knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know what; she didn’t know how she’d got into such a knot. He decided to confront her, ask her what was going on; she knew she had to speak the silence couldn’t last long. He asked her, “Do you love me?” and breathed a heavy sigh; she almost started laughing, instead she asked him, “Why?” He couldn’t believe her answer, is that what she had said; she knew as soon as she spoke she should have kept the thoughts in her head. He spoke, “What sort of answer have you just given me?” she replied, “I’m not sure.” and hoped that he’d just leave. He didn’t move a muscle, he didn’t know what to say; she said, “I think I’m leaving you, I need to get away.” 2 She left without another word, just walked right out the door. Wondering what she should do next, she hadn’t done this before. All this time she’d wanted to leave, but she hadn’t made a plan. This was the first time in her life she’d been without a man. She realised she had no home, nowhere to go and sleep. Who would have thought that taking this step would mean taking a giant leap. A jump into uncertainty, a thump into real life, a stride away from being his old ‘trouble and strife’. She goes into a pub, not noticing the name, she orders a whiskey neat, always the same. Sitting in a corner her head begins to swirl, no longer is she a ‘couple’ she’s now a single girl. 3 He stands there totally gobsmacked, as the door closes to, not knowing what to do next, was that moment really true?  Had the love of his life just left him, walked away for real? Or was he imagining it, he didn’t know how to feel. He thought that he should hate her, surely that would be right.  But really he loved her, wouldn’t let her go without a fight.  After fetching his coat, he set out to find his lover, he has never been without her, there has never been another. He’s not sure where to go, she could be anywhere.  Searching through the crowded streets he sees her colour hair.  Dashing over he realises that the girl is not the one.  His hopes of finding her fall, he can’t see where she’s gone. 4 The phone is ringing in the flat, the answer machine cuts in. “I’m sorry” the voice says, “I need to talk but don’t know where to begin.” The caller says, “I’ll be in touch.” then the line goes dead. The flat returns to silence, no more words are said. 5 As friends they were perfect, had been for years, but as soon as they became lovers, she’d cried so many tears.  It wasn’t that he mistreated her, the opposite was true, he was simply too different to her, that’s why their relationship was doomed. Before him, her boyfriends were ordinary blokes, they took her out for dinner, laughed at her jokes. But they were always distant, never gave too much away.  She always knew they’d get fed up and leave her alone one day. So when he came along, so handsome and clever and nice, she jumped at the chance to be friends, but didn’t heed my advice.  I told her not to fall in love, they’d drive each other insane, but cupid got them both and things were never the same. I always liked them separately, but couldn’t stand them together.  At first they were cute, then they’d argue and declare war forever.  The next second they would be kissing, and then something wrong was said.  She would flip, he’d go silent, pretending to wish her dead. To tell the truth I’m not surprised, I knew that it would end.  I hope they don’t expect me to take sides, they are both my friends.  Maybe they’ll sort things out, and give it another try, but to be honest that would mean they’d continue living their lie. 6 The answer phone light was flashing when he finally got back, he’d been searching around for hours, outside it was pitch black. The flat was warm and welcoming even though no one was in, he walked over and pressed rewind, waiting for the messages to begin. “I’m sorry.” said her voice, he broke down and began to cry.  There were other words she spoke, but she didn’t say goodbye. Perhaps that’s a good sign he’d thought, as he wiped the tears from his face, she must be coming home, she’s realised her mistake. 7 She hung up the phone, perhaps she should have said more, like why she had left him, ran right out the door. But to be frank, she couldn’t be bothered, why should she explain.  Her reasons would only upset him more, cause him much more pain. So instead she said she’d get in touch, she didn’t say when.  Maybe things would be better for both if she never spoke to him again. But that was just chickening out, pretending it would be better, perhaps instead of phoning again she could write everything in a letter. 8 I was going to phone, but I couldn’t, I didn’t have the guts.  Quite honestly I think I would probably have driven you nuts.  Instead I decided to write this letter, to sort a few things out, at least this way neither or us can start to scream and shout. So here goes, I’ll begin right from the start.  For the last few months I have felt like something was missing from my heart.  I know I sound deranged but I’m trying to explain.  I don’t love you anymore, I no longer feel the same. I understand that this will be a shock, it was a shock for me too, and I’m sorry to hurt you but there isn’t anything else I can do.  I tried to convince myself that my love has simply changed, but it hasn’t, it has disappeared, a feeling that’s very strange. I hope in time you’ll understand, perhaps you will forgive, if I thought I’d made you hate me I don’t think I could live.  I probably won’t be in touch, I won’t tell any more lies.  I think it’s best for all concerned if I simply say goodbye! 9 The envelope was sealed without a loving kiss and posted with relief, she never imagined this. In all the time they’d been together they’d rarely been apart. But now she had left him she felt her life could really start. He never held her back, but the safety made her stay.  After meeting him she left her job and stayed at home each day.  She had no reason to work in the job that she despised, his wages were plenty to keep them both in their high-class lives. Although at first this was enough to keep her by his side, her boredom grew, she needed more, she wanted to be his bride.  Every time she mentioned marriage, he’d change the subject fast. It was months ago she realised that without a wedding they would not last. She never really argued, she knew it was no use. She wanted to marry, he didn’t, there was no need to blow a fuse.  And even though she wanted to stay, she knew she had to go.  All the time she’d been thinking like this, he didn’t even know. 10 The postman walked through the gate, popping the mail through the door, in his job he’s probably delivered many ‘Dear John’ style letters before. His round is almost over and he will soon be home with his wife, carrying on as usual, leading a normal life. 11 In the flat it is quiet, he picks up the letters off the mat. Flicking through them he recognises her handwriting, he hadn’t imagined that. No wonder she hadn’t phoned him, she’d written a letter or love.  Tearing open the envelope he felt he’d been blessed from above. But reading the words his heart stops, how could she be so unkind?  For months she’d been thinking of leaving him, these words were killing his mind. The letter falls from his hand, floating to the floor.  Before now he thought she was coming back, but now he was sure.  Their love was over forever, how could he have been so blind?  She had fallen out of love with him and left their life behind. 12 A few hours after waking, the phone began to ring.  Her friend was out for the day so she answered without thinking. “Come get your stuff out of my flat.” replied the voice to her hello. “How did you know I was here?” she said.  He replied, “Where else could you go?” “Don’t you want to talk to me?” she asked, hoping he would say no. “I just want you to get your things.” his words were calm and slow. “When is convenient for you?” she said, “I don’t want to put you out”. He spoke, “I won’t be in this afternoon, come then when I’m not about.” “I hoped it wouldn’t be like this.” she said holding back the tears. “How did you expect me to be you’ve wasted my life for years.” This response threw her, “What do you mean wasted your life?” He didn’t answer, then the line went dead, she was glad she’d never be his wife. 13 I came home about 5 o’clock, the room was completely dark. She was standing at the window, watching the people in the park. I asked her if she was okay, but she didn’t hear me speak. Even after I switched on some lights, the atmosphere still felt bleak. It was obvious that something had happened, then I saw a pile of her clothes. She must have fetched her things, but I didn’t want to know. The last few days have tired me, all she does is sit and think. Staring into space all the time, I sit waiting for her to blink. Things can’t go on like this, I need my space back. I’ve had enough of her sobs and cries, but how can I tell her that? I’m the only friend she’s got, where else would she stay? I want to tell her to go, but I can’t send her away. She goes on and on about how she doesn’t love him, and that she doesn’t care. But it’s obvious to me that without him she is really scared. He has been her life for years and although she says it’s in the past I don’t think this separation is doing either of them any good, without each other they’ll never last. I don’t want to interfere, but I can’t watch them hurt each other. He’s only being like this because his pride has been hurt by his lover. I have to get them to meet and talk their problems through. I can’t stand her invading my space anymore, so there’s nothing else I can do. 14 I phoned him when she was in the bath, we’ve arranged to meet tomorrow night. I hope that he’ll listen to me and realise I am right. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to say, but something has to be said, I can’t take her moans anymore, they echo in my head. I know that she’ll probably dislike me for going to see her man, but she won’t do it and someone has to make them sort it out if they can. I know I said they shouldn’t be together at first, but I know now that I was wrong.  Perhaps I’m being selfish, forcing them to meet, but they’ve been in love for so long. Although I’ve never experienced a love anywhere near as special as theirs, I know how important love is and I know that they both still care. They claim that they hate each other, but that is simply a lie.  If she didn’t love him anymore, why did she bother to cry? When they were together they’d drive each other insane.  But really and truly they were happy, I hope they can be again. 15 After talking to him for an hour, he understood what I was trying to say, “But we have both said hurtful things,” he spoke “we can’t just wish them away.” “I understand that it will take time.” I said, trying to persuade him more.  “I do want to forgive her,” he said, “for walking out the door”. “Then why don’t you meet her” I replied “If you want I can arrange it.”  “I think it might be better if I do.” he said, “Make the effort a little bit.” 16 She wanted to meet him, now that she had calmed down. He hoped to sort things out, stop acting like such a clown. She understood that it would be hard, to start all over again. He knew that it would take a lot of loving to ease all the pain. 17 The day had arrived for them to meet, at the bus station, by the wall.  It had been a few days since she had received his call. He had simply said they should meet, get a coffee and talk.  She needed to clear her head so she decided not to catch a cab, but walk. The high street was noisy, but her mind was somewhere quiet, she thought of buying a cake, forgetting about her diet. She had got thirty minutes till she was meeting him, she was surprisingly calm.  She had finally realised there was no point in causing each other harm. After buying her cake, she began to cross the street. It was turning into a perfect day, the sun was showering her with heat. The cake was soft and sweet, and everything seemed so nice.  Crossing the street she forgot to look left and right. The car didn’t have time to stop, before ploughing into her side.  People stood around in shock, some of them even cried. She lay on the floor still breathing, but very badly hurt.  Somewhere she could hear the twittering of a bird. Her body began to go numb as the siren sound grew near.  She lay their thinking of her love, her thoughts were very clear. She began to drift off, her breathing was very light.  Just before she died her man came into sight. 18 He had walked from the car park, down the street where she lay. He usually went a different route, but for some reason he hadn’t today. As he went down the street he saw people crowded around up ahead. As he got closer he saw her pretty face, not realising she was dead. He couldn’t comprehend what had happened, that couldn’t be her lying there. They were meeting in twenty minutes, to tell each other they still cared. As the paramedics tried to save her, he fell to his knees. Eventually they decided to stop, he begged them “Continue, please.” A sheet was pulled over her face, she was lifted onto an ambulance bed. He got in beside her, thinking of all the things they hadn’t said. The drive to the hospital was slow, the thoughts were spinning round his brain. He would never hear her laugh or sing a song again. They had wasted the last few days, both had acted like fools. But what had happened just wasn’t fair, fate had been so cruel. Now he would never be the same, his soul mate had been stolen from his life. He could never tell her that he wanted her to be his lawfully wedded wife.