Music: "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands"
AN UNUSUAL PET
This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited for a few minutes and then asked him again. "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house, and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
LIVER AND CHEESE
A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me as their girlfriend."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Poodle says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."
Finally the Chihuahu says:
"Liver alone...
cheese mine!"
A DOG'S LIFE
There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière, the merrier.
-author unknown-
DOG'S LETTERS TO GOD
Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the
street.
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God:
Can you undo what that doctor did?
CAT LETTER TO GOD
Dear God:
Do you exist?
I'm just curious.
I don't really care.
LETTER TO DOGS AND CATS
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my pet a lot better than I like some people. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than some kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a quadrillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the result.
-Author Unknown-
BABY FROGS AT THE CARNIVAL
Here's a true story that Mom and I think is really cute. Mom's best friend, Bonnie, has a daughter named Janet. When Janet was a little girl they were having a carnival at school and one of the attractions was a pet showing. All the little kids got into a great big circle and they walked around showing off their pets to the crowd of parents and kids.
Of course, there were the usual pets, dogs, and etc., but Janet brought 12 baby frogs, none of them bigger than 3/4 of an inch. Janet had the frogs in a 20 qt pressure cooker and when her turn came to show off her pet, she began dragging the pressure cooker around in the circle. The announcer told her she had to let the people see her pets so she took the lid off and then all of her little frogs went hopping all over the school ground. People were laughing and they were all trying the help her catch the frogs and that broke up the pet show. She won the prize for the "most unusual pet"!
THE BED BUDDY
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the central groove
My humans they can hardly move!
I've trapped their legs, they're tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me and dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!
I sneak up slowly to begin
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly
I have sharp teeth-
I'm a SILKY TERRIER, don't you see?
For the morning's here
And it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
These human beings that I see.
The ones who hug and hold me tight
And share their bed with me at night!
-author unknown-
-edited to say silky terrier-
LITTLE TOMMY TURTLE
A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground. The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.
Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear
across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes,"
said the elephant, "turtle recall".
-submitted by our Uncle Gail-
TOUGH GOING
So many lessons
A pup must learn!
You get in trouble
At every turn.
You can chew a ball
To your heart's content
But -- chew a shoe
And there's punishment!
Bark at strangers
"Good little feller!"
Bark at a friend
It's "Down in the cellar!"
Beg in the parlor
-- "Clever stunt!"
Beg at the table
"Down you runt!"
Roll in the grass
And they say you're cute
Roll in the flowers
--And dodge a boot.
The ways of Humans
Ain't got no sense
And a pup must learn
By experience!
-by Berton Braley-
I love this little house because
It offers, after dark,
A pause for rest, a rest for paws,
A place to moor my bark.
-author unknown-
I threw a snowball across the backyard.
My dog ran after it to bring it back.
It broke as it fell, scattering snow over snow.
She stood confused, seeing and smelling nothing.
She searched in widening circles until I called her.
She looked at me and said as clearly in silence
as if she had spoken,
I know it's here, I'll find it,
went back to the center and started the circles again.
I called her two more times before she came
slowly, stopping once to look back.
That was this morning. I'm sure that she's forgotten.
I've had some trouble putting it out of my mind.
--Miller Williams--
from Some Jazz a While: Collected Poems (University of Illinois Press)
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