| Funniest Lines From “Mask” DOCTOR: Do you have any questions? ROCKY DENNIS: Yeah. When are you guys going to invent one of these things so a guy’s rear end isn’t always hanging out? From “Singles” ANGRY MIME: I’ll tell you about love. Love disappears, baby! Every time I’ve been broke, babe has been off like a prom dress. WOMAN: Maybe it’s the girls you choose. ANGRY MIME: Ay! Maybe I’ve been hurt! Maybe I’ve been dogged! STEVE: Does anybody know where this place is? ANGRY MIME: Hey, what do I look like, a Thomas Bros. Guide? STEVE: You know, you really shouldn’t speak. ANGRY MIME: Yes. Hey, where do you guys work? ... GUY: I build airplanes. ANGRY MIME: WOO-WOO-WOO! From Mad About You “My Boyfriend’s Back” JAMIE: Face it, Alan, you always had to have the last word. Well, you know what? You can’t. The last word was goodbye. I said it to you five years ago, I’m saying it again now. Please try to remember it this time. ALAN: Goodbye. JAMIE: No no no no no. You see that? You’re not following. I say goodbye, not you. Goodbye. ALAN: Okay. JAMIE: I said goodbye. ALAN: See ya. JAMIE: Goodbye, Alan. ALAN: (waves) Take care. JAMIE: (she slaps her face with both hands) Goodbye. (she leaves the comic book store) ALAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Queen Talon. JAMIE: (Jamie re-enters the store and takes a flying leap for Alan’s head) AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! (Alan ducks.) From Mad About You “The Birth” (courtesy of Zacariah) ALAN: Are you ok? PAUL: She's fine. ALAN: Why did you call me? PAUL: I wasn't here yet and she was a little scared. ALAN: SO you called me. Well, I can understand that. JAMIE: It's not what you think. I called everybody I know. ALAN: Interesting, I uh don't see anybody else here. PAUL: I'm here now, so you can go. (Paul tries to take the flowers Alan brought but Alan won't hand them over.) ALAN: OK but if you need me, well, obviously you have my number. JAMIE: Don't over interpret that. I just never took it out of my book. ALAN: I don't have your number, but whatever. It was nice of you to think of me on the most important moment of your life. JAMIE: Somebody kill him and blame me! ALAN: Nice seeing you again, Pete. From “Hi-Life” JIMMY: ...Susan, will you marry me? SUSAN: Jeez, Jimmy. I don’t know what to say. GUY 1: Say no. GUY 2: I mean, really. The guy’s an idiot. …… SUSAN: You’ll do anything for money. JIMMY: It’s not ABOUT money! MAGGIE: Right. SUSAN: Son-of-a-bitch. JIMMY: It’s about pain. I’ll do anything to avoid PAIN. And disfigurement. From “Naked in New York” Jake (Eric Stoltz), his girlfriend Joanne, and her handsome, rich boss are in a small plane that’s shakily flying in a storm. Jake is by turns looking bug-eyed, sick and incredulous while trying to act cool around his potential rival. JAKE: Is that Patsy Cline playing on the tape? Why is Patsy Cline playing on the tape? Is this some kind of joke? …. ELLIOT: I hear you’ve written a new play, Jake. JOANNE: Jake’s written a few beautiful plays. JAKE: Yeah. My next one’s about Buddy Holly. ELLIOT: (laughs) Look, we’re coming out of the storm. JAKE: Thank God. ELLIOT: Hey, you want to try a little stunt landing? Barrel roll, maybe? Now that it’s clear? It’s really a great release. JAKE: Hey, don’t stop on my account. JOANNE: You’re sure? JAKE: Yeah. Wheeee. ELLIOT: Terrific. You’re going to look at the world in a whole new way. |
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