1/26/01: A Feeling of Unease
It's six o'clock and things are quiet here at work, and I have time to sort through why there are small ripples of discomfort sort of radiating out of my solar plexus. There isn't much physically wrong with me -- no more than the usual exhaustian, poor diet, and stuff that's all my fault anyway -- it's just that there are some things that are bothering me. So I'm going to sort them out, and you're going to help. Aren't you glad you came by? Sure you are. You can count on me for some bitching that transcends bitching and moves into the realm of real social commentary, or at least, isn't that boring.
1. Bob, my boss, asked me to do a really, really menial task.
Now, I should give you some background on this. Two years ago, I worked for the same company that I'm working at now. Back then I was an intern and did crap work, and I didn't really mind it much since I was being paid comparatively well, for my life then, and it was just an internship. Bob knew me back then. These days, I'm educated, I'm out of school, I've been working in the internet for over a year, I'm here to use my wonderful brain and stuff. I understand that someone had to do this menial task he asked me to do, and the group assistant is on vacation. I just think -- and I'm oddly sure of this -- that if I was a guy, he wouldn't have asked me to do it. If the only person around was a junior account executive like myself, only MALE, Bob would have done it himself rather than ask the other guy to do it. I am not saying that Bob is deliberately sexist. I am not saying that he's out there campaigning for women to stay in the kitchen or that he's going to try to get me to give him a blow job or anything. I am just saying that I, too, had better things to do with my time than print out the company's website.
2. I have too much pity in my heart and it's causing me problems.
Here in the office, we advise clients on how they can take their brand online, but we don't actually do any of the coding or stuff ourselves. We consult, then we find someone who's really good at building whatever kind of site we think should be built, and we get them to build it. You see? It's actually a pretty good way of doing it since that way we get the best people for each job, every time.
Anyway, it ends up that every day is a steady parade of these internet geek types coming in and out of here. I love going to the meetings because these guys (and I have yet to meet a woman on one of these teams, so there you are) are usually fun to listen to and fun to talk to and sometimes I'm already aware of their work and fans of it. For instance, yesterday I got to meet the guys from Heavy.com and I felt a little bit like I was meeting celebrities, because to me, they are. I fucking LOVE their stuff.
My point is, it's my job to sort through the proposals of the people who come in here, look at them and say, "Yes that's good, or maybe that can work, or no, that completely sucks." And sometimes the proposals do suck, even when the guys presenting it are kind of cute or sweet, or have cool life stories, or whatever. And I know that they have their livelihoods on the line here. They're just a few people in an office somewhere, or like, in their houses, and I wish I could make sure that all of them were in steak and beer for another few months. God knows I've had my days of tuna and ramen, you know?
I guess I'm not completely cut out for this line of work. Which is yet another thing that leaves me a little disquiet. That, and this sweet, hopeful look on the face of one of the guys who came in here the other day, who's stuff may or may not make it and I really hope that it isn't my job to decide.
3. I had yet another discomforting encounter with The Boy Who Is, and it was, as you might imagine, discomforting.
The Boy Who Is went a slight bit out of his way to invite me to his birthday party, and I debated the relative merits of going and not going, all the while knowing that I was going to go of course, don't be ridiculous. I thought: what would not going prove? That I didn't like him? That's not true. I like him very much. I don't see much of a reason to hide this fact. That my life is so full of action and adventure that I'd be busy on a Saturday night? That's not true. I do have friends and stuff but I'm hardly busy at all hours of all days. Would I really want to sacrifice seeing him again for the purpose of proving some lies to him? Because all that he'd probably get out of it is: She was busy, okay, oh well. Or: She's mad at me, how stupid. Oh well.
I gave The Boy Who Is a phone call and chatted for a bit. I asked him about the party and it doesn't sound like that much fun to me. A bunch of people I may or may not know. Cramped quarters, no food, and probably a lot of pot, which I'm not a fan of. And here's the mystifying part. The Boy Who Is said that there would be "some single people there, so there are some chances for a hookup." I said, "Well, I'm sort of seeing someone, so that's not really an issue for me." Which was a coup for me, I guess, in that it wasn't entirely a lie (viz: my Irish friend) and I think it gave him pause a little. He said in response, "Well, you're young, you know, and well, there are possibilities out there." Or something. And I said, "I'm not saying that I'm really serious about him, but I'm not desperate, either." And he said, "Oh, I didn't mean that you were. Only that you should be aware that there are opportunities. Anything can happen." I must admit that my ears pricked up at this. I said, with an ounce or two or maybe a half cup of innuendo: "Anything?" And he said, with a good six ounces of innuendo: "Yes, anything. Possibilities are limitless." And I upped the ante to a pint as I said, "Absolutely limitless?" And he said, "Absolutely." Which left me smiling a trifle, but mostly mystified.
I forgot to tell you the best part, the part that's really really really leaving a little stone under my breastbone. He said he's probably leaving for California in October. You know when you hear something and you swear that the other person must be able to hear your guts splatter on the floor? Yeah, um, that.
Other stuff
My mail is getting lost, my oven pilot light is out, my bank account is lower than it's been in a year, my rent is almost due, two of my friends are having trouble at work, one is having trouble at home, and a few more are, as usual, troubled, and I worry for them. I don't know if I'm doing good work here, there's a status meeting on Monday where I might get my butt kicked, I need to do laundry and I'm almost out of #4 coffee filters. So.
Well, I feel a bit better. And anyway Prodigals tonight so who cares?