3/11/03: How to escape the burden of victimhood
When I first started at my job about a year ago, I started getting harassed by one of the doctors who do the lectures here. The things he said to me - in front of literally hundreds of witnesses -- are things I’m used to hearing from random strangers on the street. On the street, you can give your catcallers the finger. I also like the old stand-by of hocking a lugey at them. But I couldn’t exactly do that to a superior at work – and what’s more, I’m not supposed to have to. I have a right to an environment where I feel safe. Right? Right.
This man – a famous doctor – is notorious for his nasty behavior. Talking to some people around the office, I found out that he had reduced many a (female) staffer to tears – and that it didn’t stop with staffers. I soon saw for myself, too, the way he would sneer at students’ accents and baby-talk to the females. He would run around the room, making sexual jokes and insulting the religions of the world. But apparently, no one ever said word one against the guy. It seemed like my path was clear.
I talked to my mom about it – my mother, the feminist, who taught me not to accept bullshit from men, who taught me to demand equal pay and not to allow gender roles to define me. And she told me: Don’t even try. It won’t help. Nothing will change – except it’ll get worse.
I didn’t accept that. I mean, it shocked me that my mother would tell me to give up, but I just felt like – there’s so much evidence against him! And he’s such a raging bastard! He has to go down! I’m not just going to stand here and let him make me feel like this. I’m going to say something.
So I did. I spoke up. I told someone in the HR department in corporate all about it, in detail. I thought, okay, someone’s going to do something. My boss at the center told me that I wouldn’t have to work with this doctor anymore, that they’d find a way to work around this.
Then I found out that the people at the HR department had told the doctor what I had said. And that I had said it. And it came around to me that he had then told all the other doctors that I was a troublemaker and was trying to get him fired. Which I wasn’t really trying to do – I just wanted him to learn to not treat people like shit. So that was really great. He didn’t get any sort of reprimand, didn’t have to apologize to me. The only thing that had changed was that I didn’t have to work with him.
Well, at least I had that. This man, who made me feel like I was crumpling up like a piece of paper – I didn’t have to be around him anymore. Right? … Wrong.
Now, about six months after this all died down again, they’ve scheduled me to be his live lecture coordinator again. I asked the manager about it, and she said there was no other way to schedule it. So a few days later I went to the center director, and he said, “Well, my question for you is: why should you be treated any differently than anyone else?” I told him that I just wasn’t comfortable having to work with this man because of what had happened. He said, “Well, you can’t always like every part of your job. Just because you’re not comfortable, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to do it.”
So, no go. It’s like he’s just doing this to show me that I can’t get any special treatment, like a parent making a stand against a child. He and the manager are telling me: suck it up.
What I’m wondering is: how do I escape this burden of victimhood? Am I a victim because I spoke up about how he victimized me? Would I have been less of a victim if I had suffered in silence? Was I right to ask the center director to help me? I thought I was standing up for my rights, but to them I look like a whiner, a troublemaker.
I’m not a troublemaker; I didn’t make this trouble. I’m not a whiner; whiners don’t have valid concerns. And as far as feeling comfortable goes… well, I think I have a valid point. I have a right to not have to schedule my vacation to avoid someone. But my mom was right. It’s pointless to try.
Don’t they say that the best cure is a good prevention? Don’t they tell you to avoid situations that you think are unsafe? Well, to avoid being a victim, I have to avoid the things that make me one. And it seems this job is making me a victim. So instead, I will be an adventurer, an escapee.
I’m going to the place that makes me happy. I’m going to Santorini.
Really! I bought the plane tickets!
More to come.