10/20/00: Wriggling
On the subway, I leaned my head against the window so I could see out into the tunnels where all the graffiti lived. The way it was flashing by me was familiar. I had this feeling of déjà vu. I didn't think it was so much a case of the agents changing something in the matrix as it was the fact that I really had been here before.
I had my headphones on with an old mix tape, and the song "Today" from the Great Expectations soundtrack came on. The lyrics are:
Standing in the doorway of my life in this house, trying to find a way to get out. Waiting for a sign that I should open the door, this craziness is getting me down. But today is the day that we break free.
Maybe this isn't Shakespeare quality lyrics or anything, but it has a certain impact on my brain sometimes. The sad thing is, I've heard that song hundreds of times and I still haven't really managed it. The whole breaking free thing. Maybe I'm in a pre-breaking free period right now. I'm wriggling around in my life like a loose tooth. Maybe today isn't the day. Maybe next Wednesday will be the day.
Still it was depressing to watch the other stations go by, the other stations I wasn't getting off at. I got off the same annoying stop as always, but I went up the stairs instead of the escalator just for a change. I went out through a different turnstile and walked up the left side of the stairs instead of the right. Then I walked around the other side of my office building instead of the same side I always go in. But the second I got there I saw that the other side looked just the same. There was even a bagel-and-coffee vender guy on that side, just like on the other side. I felt like screaming but I didn't know what I would say if I did and why put the energy into it if you have nothing to say?
So I came in anyway, went up the elevator, swiped myself in with the key card, wandered over to my cubicle and turned on my computer. I sat down in my chair and leaned back and spun myself in circles for a while, first one way and then the other.
If I don't get out of here soon I think I might lose it.
Musings that also deal with this general "sick of it" theme