10/27/00: Missouri is Evil and Out to Get Me
Now if you live in Missouri, don't get too angry with me, but trust me, the place is bloody evil. It's not the people. It's just the place.
Exhibit A:
In 1994, I lived for a while with an insane host family in Spain. Their daughter was headed towards Missouri. Someday I may tell the tale of the insane host family. Suffice it to say, one day, no lie, the mother told me, "Tu eres la hija del diablo!" (You are the daughter of the devil.)
Now I used to ask Vanessa (that was my host sister's name) where she was going to live during her year in America. She said, "voy a... Missouri?" (I'm going to...) But she pronounced it "misery." It's like, that ye are, darlin'.
My theory here is that like draws like. Only an evil place like Missouri would want Vanessa.
Exhibit B:
The guy I was dating seriously my junior year of college -- John II -- graduated that December and went to go work in Kansas City. Don't let the name fool you. It's Missouri. I went to visit him a few times and not only was the place not my favorite place I've ever been to, but John had turned into a real jerk. First the damn state steals my boyfriend, and then it brainwashes him. Gawd. It's so evil.
By the way, the whole "like draws like" theory doesn't apply in this case. If you don't understand why, I sure as hell can't explain it.
Exhibit C:
The Cardinals. I actually don't hate the Cardinals as much as I should. But they tried to get in my Mets' way. The Yankees actually succeeded so I hate them too. I pretty much only hate the Cards because they're from Missouri.*
*I'm aware my logic is defeating itself. But even more so, I'm aware this entire page is completely logic free. So never fear.
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