11/20/00: Goals
For days and days now, the sign from the gods has been "GOALS." They simply won't change it.
I've been having problems with goals lately. I can't seem to set ones that make any sense, or when I do, I can't seem to follow through on them. For instance, I was looking for an apartment for months, but my lease is up now and I still don't have anywhere to go. And I have to move in with my dad at the end of the month, which is going to be really annoying.
Or then I set a goal, like the goal for the boy who is single now. The goal: get the boy. Only I don't even know what I mean by that, even inside my own head. And then I'm not even sure what I'm saying when I say it. So he tells me to wait until we're both sure. Which is probably right.
It ends up that because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore, I'm not doing fucking anything. No apartment, no boys, no social life, and the way things are looking in this economy, it's a matter of months or even weeks before no job.
I can't even decide if I want to stay in this country. Last night I dreamt I was so high up off the ground that I could see the entire country at once. But I could see everything in clear detail, like the leaves on the trees and the rocks at the bottom of the Great Lakes. It looked so beautiful and I was falling on a zipline and trailing all my ideas behind me in the form of scraps of paper. I said, "I don't want to leave this." It's a little confusing.
The gods in charge of the masking tape better change the word soon. I don't know what to make of this goals thing and it's driving me insane. All I know is, if I have to live with my dad too long, it's not going to be pretty.