A man sees a notice in chemist's window, "Condoms fitted free"
Walks in and speaks to sales-girl at the counter.
Man: "Do you fit the condoms?"
Girl: "I do."
Man: "Wash your hands then, I want some cough sweets."
 

Two skiers on the piste, one is dyslexic
"I've just zag-zigged down that slope."
"No, you have zig-zagged."
"Are you sure?"
An argument takes place
"Okay, to settle this I'll ask that bloke over there."
"Excuse me can you settle an argument, Do you zag-zig or do you zig-zag?"
"Sorry I can't help you I'm a tobogganist."
"That's handy, I'll have twenty Benson and Hedges then!"
 

Man on hospital
Man to Doctor, "Doctor, my leg, arm, head hurt when I touch them."
Doctor to man, touching the parts, "Does this........or this........or this hurt?"
Man, "No"
Doctor, "Then you've broken your finger."
 

Man fell down pit-shaft.
Q "Have you broken anything?"
A "No, there's nothing to break down here!"
 

Two men in a pub observe a man with great cauliflower ear.
1st man: "That man saved many lives when the local coal mine collapsed. He held up
the roof so that the men on his shift could get out."
2nd man: "Why has he that great cauliflower ear?"
1st man: "That's where they banged him in as a pit prop."
 

Librarian to customer, "Do you like Dickens?"
Customer, "I don't know, I've never been to one.

                      or

Librarian to customer, "Do you like Kipling?"
Customer, "I don't lnow I've never Kippled."

                      or

Baker to customer, "Do you like muffins?"
Customer, "Don't know, never been to one."
 

A very old, slightly deaf  man is accosted by a prostitute
Girl, "Would you like super sex, dearie?"
Deaf old man, "Thank you miss, I'll have the soup, please."

Q What have Kermit and Henry VIII in common
A The same middle name
 

A man walking alone one night on a dark Belfast street is grabbed around the neck
from behind and a voice whispers in his ear "Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
The man gulps, "Jewish" he says.
He is released and the assailant disappears in the dark.
The man reflects that be must be the luckiest Moslem in Belfast.
 

A man walking down the road meets another with a large lobster under his
arm.
"Are you taking that home for tea?" he asks.
"No, we've had our tea, now we're going to the pictures".

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to  get to grips with
the concept of irony. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I  was in London and,
like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said,
"great weather eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great
weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time." he
said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to a crisp and I
said "hey, great weather".

The following is a History of the World from genuine student bloopers collected from
teachers throughout the US, from 8th grade to college level.

Read carefully and you will learn a lot.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such the the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The bible is full of interesting caricatures.
The first book of the bible is Guinessiis, Adam and Ever were created from an apple
tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?
"God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought
up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph
gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharo forced the Hebrew Slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up Mount Cyanide toget the Ten Commandments.
He died before he reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came  Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually he lost all his cattle and all his
children and had to go and live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks invented three types of columns: Corinthian, Ironic and Dorc.
And they built the Apocalypse.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx untill he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Peneloppe was
the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher, who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over them to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered
him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out the words, "Tee Hee, Brutus"
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.
They took two bats in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome.
Today Rome is full of fallen arches.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged.
King Alfred conqured the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was cannonised by Bernard Shaw.
And victims of the blue-bonnet plaque grew boobs on their necks.
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice forthe same offence.
In Mid-evil times most people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote litrature.
During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other mythical creatures.
Another story was aboutWilliam Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgencies. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII Protestentism was born.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as Queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah".
Then her navy went and defeated the Spanish Amadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
SirWalter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a100ft clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his Merry Wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
long solioquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he see his mother.
In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The proof that the wiches in Macbeth were supernatural is that no one could eat what they had cooked.
The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey
Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paridise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pilgrinm's Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the revolutionary
War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the Declaration of
Independance.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due course became theFather of Our Country.
His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was president he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said, "In onion there is strength." On the night of April 14 1865 Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assasinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Volta re-invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on a old spinster which he kept in the attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before
it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.
During theNapoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducingby machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by ananahist, ushered in the anals ofhuman history.
So there you have it!