1) I ain't doin' SHIT.
2) I ain't even gonna try and look busy. Fuck that.
3) I'm staring at that one chick's ass, fuck it dude. Free country.
4) I'm leaving early and I just DARE some motherfucker to call me on it.
5) I will scowl at you middle-class shit eaters. I will do it whether I have a hangover or NOT. YO!
6) I will make fun of state workers who have hella, hella-la snacks up in they desks. And I may steal some.
7) If you don't sign my timesheets, don't have any control over my paycheck, I can't hear you. Don't ask me for SHIT. You'll get the scowl.
8) Fuck a noise complaint.
9) You can ask me to turn down my headphones. You probably shouldn't.
10) It's a 'system,' don't go through the piles of paper and shit on my desk. I'll fuck you up. Like knee-to-the-solerplexus-followed-by-elbow-to-the-spine kickboxing-type fuck you up. HI YAH!
11) My emails are private, if I appear to be writing a friend, please go back where you came from and try to come back at a better time.
11a) If I appear busy, assume that I AM busy and therefore should not be given any extra tasking, bitch.
12) If I'm a good worker one day, don't take that to mean that I like you, the work, or anything in this fucking building. I was probably drunk.
13) It's just fine if I want to come to work drunk.
14) You better fucking believe I don't carry boxes around for middle aged women. I'm the only fucker in here without health insurance. Eat a bowl of dicks.
15) My lunch breaks are officially 30 minutes. Don't you fucking worry about what time I get back. To YOU, they're 30 minutes. If anyone ASKS you how long my breaks are, you say '30 minutes.' End of discussion.
16) I may need to handle some personal bidness while I'm at work. That shit takes precedence over this data entry bullshit. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
17) Long distance lines are there to be used.
17a) If some motherfucker comes poking around my area, asking who made all the long distance phone sex calls, I'm blaming that loser who bitched me out over his gay-ass coffee maker.
18) Fuck a courtesy flush. Deal.
19) Don't give me that, "Come tell me when you're done with those sheets and I'll give you more" bullshit. If you got more work, you get off YOUR fat ass and come to ME, Snacky McElephant Seal. Seriously! You look like shit!
20) Call me 'Nathan' one more time, and you're dead.
21) Don't call me 'Jason' either.
22) You can call me Mr. Lowe.
23) If you got a banquet going on in the other room, don't fucking invite me over to pick off what's left. Bitch, get me plate of the good stuff! If I don't like it, best believe I'll let you know.
24) I ain't really feelin' the way y'alls dressin'. Looks like shit.
24a) I'm wearing what I WANT. And yeah, that's marijuana you smell coming off my jacket. I thought you knew!
25) Loan me a dollar. It's for the BUS, not that I should have to tell you. Skank.
26) Maybe I'm not doing a good job and maybe I am and you're too stupid to tell the difference. Dumbass. 26a) If I'm not doing good work, you best believe that there's a very good reason and that you'll NEVER hear it. Cause I don't have to explain SHIT to you!
27) Talking about the weather is not cool.
28) Unless you're a fox. WHICH YOU AREN'T SO SHUT IT.
29) I'm stealing those scissors, dude. I need them more at home.
30) When I say suck a dick up 'til you hiccup, I MEAN HICCUP. A GAG IS NOT A HICCUP! Now start all over again...
31) Don't ask me where I've been.
32)If the computers are down, I'm audi. And I'm still getting paid for a full day.
33) If you see me spending a lot of time with the only halfway decent girl on this floor, even though she's not from our department, and I tell you that it's all work-related. IT'S FUCKING WORK RELATED. 33a) Cock blocking. DON'T do it. I'm very serious about this one. You block? You bleed.
34) Don't go talking to everyone about how "Nathan's always talking to that one intern girl." First off, I told you not to call me Nathan, and that gossip bullshit will get decked.
35) I'm just -- I'm REALLY serious about the cock blocking. If you forget all the rules, don't forget that one. That's unforgiveable.
36) UPS man, I ain't signing SHIT, brownie! 36a) FedEx guy, same deal! 36b) Airborne Express chick, "Where do I sign? Great. Yeah, Mason. My name's Mason, it's a little uncommon, but I wouldn't call it 'fascinating.' So, how's your day been? It's right around lunchtime, you hungry?"
37) It is my policy that Mason Lowe does not steal from coworkers. If you think I stole from you, you're wrong. If you SAW me steal from you, you're still wrong. 38) Don't look at me when you pass my cubicle.
39) Don't give me that "Good morning Jason" crap. I don't even want to hear "Good morning, Mr. Lowe." Fuck a greeting. I'm HERE aren't I? That's enough.
40) I don't want to be like you people.
41) I am better than you people.
42) Now act like you know and everything's cool.
43) So WHAT if my coworker always seems to be doing more work than I do. Maybe he's slow. You ever think of that? What the fuck do I care, anyway? None of my business and it's CERTAINLY none of yours.
43a) Comparing me to my neutered coworker only makes me angrier. Why would you possibly want me to be more angry?
44) Don't eat lunch at your desk if it's going to make the whole floor smell like cat food. That's nasty. You got some money, go up to one of them fucked-up yuppie restaurants on Eastlake and eat their shit. I'm serious, your food stinks. No wonder I don't like you.
45) If you try to squeeze another person into this cubicle, you will KNOW what 'fury' is all about.
46) It's okay if you want to reach out to me, be nice to me, speak kindly to me. I will not return the favor. I will probably use your kind behavior as a show of weakness and an opportunity to walk all over you. So go ahead!
47) If I were running this company, I'd burn it to the ground for the insurance. I might make sure the building was empty first, but might just as easily do it during the busiest part of the day. Hmmm, yeah... I'll do it with all you bastards inside. Except the intern, she lives.
48) You may ask, why do you come in ten minutes late and leave fifteen minutes early? You have NO right to ask that question (see above).
49) When I throw up under my desk, because I'm still drunk from the night before, and I tell you "it's just my allergies," you better believe me. Even if my puke smells like Jaegermeister, it's ALWAYS allergies.
50) Don't narc on my good times, NARC!
51) Whoever had me referred to the company psychiatrist, that was fucked up. Super fucked up.
52) Don't hang around in the bathroom waiting for me to finish up, fag.
53) To my boss: If you're sick during the first half of the week, don't dump two days worth of bullshit data entry on my lap the second you get in. Don't make me suffer because your body is old and weak -- plus I need some time to get used to your ass being up in here, again.
54) This chair ain't comfortable. I'm calling L&I. You're fucked.
55) Don't ask me about my weekend. It'll only depress you. 55a) Because my life is SO much better than yours.
56) Why don't you just give me my money and leave me the hell alone? Really, what demands do I make of your time? That's right, NOTHING.
57) WHY DID YOU BRING YOUR KID TO WORK? Cheap bastard, get a babysitter, or a kennel or something. 57a) Your kid looks at my pack of chewing gum again and he's toast. He ain't getting any. Just like YOU ain't getting any, softdick.
58) Yeah, I took your sandwich out of the fridge. But you can't prove anything. Plus, it SUCKED! Almost had my 'allergies' acting up...
59) I ain't refilling the paper tray after making a ton of copies. Fuck that courtesy shit.
60) If you don't want Mason's peaches, don't mess around with my tree. 60a) Make that "Mr. Lowe's peaches."
61) Your mom drank a lot when she was pregnant, huh?
62) Lady, that Mexican perfume ain't doing you any favors. And it's making my eyes water, so back up off me with that shit.
63) If I'm found asleep at work, it's because of my allergies. I have a note from my doctor explaining and excusing this behavior. As you may have guessed, YOU CAN'T SEE THIS NOTE. Now beat it, I'm tired and I get cranky if I don't get enough sleep.
64) When is everyone gonna quit acting as if they liked that fat fuck computer guy? He never does SHIT! He's worse than me, yet you all line up to suck his ass while I'm treated like some kind of dangerous sociopath.
65) When I lunge aggressively at you in the hall, it's just a joke, Mr. Sensitive. "Boo Hoo, the scary temp got up in my face and I can't handle it!"
66) Even IF I take off my belt and chase you down, I'm not going to whip you on the ass with it like your daddy shoulda. 66a) I'm going to knock you on the head with the buckle. And THIS time, I'll hit you above the hairline so it won't leave a bruise, Mr. Always-Presses-Charges.
67) If I'm talking about the great lost album by the Beach Boys, you better fucking act interested.
68) If you're new, you're in for a rough ride, you candy-ass rookie.
69) Sometimes the data entry I'm asked to do is very complex and requires accuracy and concentration. I don't do that kind of data entry. Take it back. 69a) Take it BACK. I'm fucking serious, dude. I don't care who you get to do it, but I'm not gonna touch that shit.
70) Unlike how it works with most people, you bastards all START OUT on my 'Shit List' and then have to work your way off of it. 70a) No one's ever gotten off my Shit List. Sorry Mom.
71) You might think it's funny when I call my coworker "Fuck-O." If I hear you laughing, you're gonna hear my footsteps racing to your cubicle and the sound of my belt coming off. Oooh, you're in for it now...
72) I didn't watch the Mariners game. I was watering my flower patch. Yeah, I keep and tend roses, motherfucker, want to make something of it? 72a) You gullible FUCK. I don't do JACK with no flowers. You're gonna get a skull ding from the old belt buckle for even PICTURING me in a gardening apron and big yellow gloves... You may feel a slight sting as the buckle makes contact with your temple...
73) You better quiet down that cough, over there, it's getting on my nerves. My fingers are on my belt buckle...
74) Gimme the keys to your car. I'll be back in four hours. 75) If I smelt it, YOU dealt it. And now you're gonna get it.
76) I don't do dishes. I make 'em dirty and I break 'em. That's as far as it goes between me and dishes.
77) You better back up off me with that 'team player' bullshit. There may be no 'I' in 'team,' but there's a PLAYER right HERE, so don't hate.
78) Don't any of you motherfuckers get tired of being fat, old, and boring?
79) No, I didn't drink your goddamned herbal tea. I threw all your teabags in the trash. You're not fooling anyone with that lame-ass herbal tea bullshit, anyhow. 80) Those shitty pictures and knick-knacks on your desk are fucking BULLSHIT. Get 'em out of my sight. Seriously. I want them gone. 80a) Your daughter's kinda hot, though. I'm taking her picture.
81) I had a rough weekend, you fuckers are on your own this week. Oh, I'll BE here, you just won't be giving me any work.
82) I'm usually in a foul mood on any day that ends with the letter 'Y.'
83) If I seem a little distant after my lunch break, it's because of something YOU did, not because I'm stoned on grass.
84) I just quit smoking. So I'd appreciate it if you fuckwads wouldn't come up to me saying shit like, "I thought you quit smoking, Nathan," when I'm smoking a cigarette at my desk. It's been a rough day.
85) I don't take meetings after lunch. I'm too liable to be stoned. And I can't function around you people unless I'm drunk. If I come to work drunk after lunch and there's a meeting, you can fucking bet you're gonna get an earful, goddamnit.
86) Fuck it. I'm not taking any meetings whatsoever. Just get the whole "Mason Lowe going to meetings" thing out of your head, because it's not gonna happen. 87) Someday, this will all make sense to you. 87a) That 'someday' being the day the Lord sees fit to demolish this building with an earthquake while I am taking that semi-foxy intern out on an extended lunch.
88) Gimme a new computer, yo. I had to sell the one I was using. No time to explain. MOVE! Go get me that new computer, fool! 88a) If some dude that sounds like a Russian gangster calls for me, I'M NOT HERE!
89) Don't you just love smooth jazz? ME EITHER! Shut it off, bitch! That shit is working on my last nerve! How you gonna complain about my headphones when you play that shit out loud?
90) You people crazy. 90a) Running around all uptight and shit.
91) I need a moment to myself, can you come back tomorrow?
92) If you're super duper positive that you saw me come back late for lunch, I have a confession to make. I am poor. My watch is severely affected by changes in the ambient temperature. When I go outside for my lunch, my watch slows down. So I while I'm gone for 60+ minutes, my watch shows only half an hour has elapsed. It's a complicated process and I don't expect you to understand it. But the fact remains, I will be paid for a full eight hours today with no penalty for a long break. Now GET OUTTA HERE!
93) I'm only going to say this once, I don't do ten key.
94) I'm not so hot about touch typing either.
95) I find the concept of data entry offensive. What am I? Some kind of digital shovel who has to take the shit from one computer and feed it to the other? Can't they do that themselves? I thought computers were gonna make our lives easier. 95a) They are making mine a little easier since I sold that one to get the Russians off my goddamn back.
96) I'm getting sleepy, I'll see you suckers tomorrow.
97) I wasn't trying to snag that lady's purse. I was trying to grab her ass. Get it right, asshole.
98) If my boss threatens to fire me one more time, I'm going over her head. She's making me nervous.
99) You'll never know the real Nathan.
100) I don't fucking CARE if it's your birthday and get that skank ass "cake" out of my face, NARC!