~Mommie's Story~

I always wanted a baby.  I tried for so long to get pregnant and have a baby.  I could never carry a baby full term. I would often ask myself," Why me?" Would I not be a good mom? Would  I not be able to care for a child? I would often ask myself these questions. Keri (Mackenzie's Nanna) and I often talked about having a baby.  So I started trying in 2001.WOW!! November 2001 I got pregnant. Which I did not know until NEW YEARS 2002. We (Keri, Allen, and I) was all excited. I jumped up and down crying. I was in shock, but happy I was having a baby.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  I stopped smoking, and started eating right.  I was doing  great.  Everyone (family & friends) were so excited for me.  Family and friends would buy things for Mackenzie.  I had everything I /Mackenzie could/would ever need.  I had a lot of stuff , then some.  LOL Everyone was so happy about Mackenzie coming.  Everyone was happy that there was going to be a girl in the family.  I think I was the happiest though.  I would lay in bed at night and listen to her heart beat, and feel her kick. That was the greatest feeling any mother could ever have. I was so grateful to be pregnant. I thanked God every night for Mackenzie.  I was going to the doctor on a regular basis. Then the time came to where I had to go once a week. Well in my last couple of months I started having trouble. I was always hurting in my lower back and stomach. My doctor said that everything was fine. A week or so before Mackenzie was born I had to go to the E.R. I was hurting real bad. The doctor ordered an ultrasound. Keri and a friend that was there with me saw where the lady hit for a picture of the heart. They never saw anything wrong. I went home and waited for my appointment the following Wednesday I went to my doctor and there was no change. He wanted me to check in the hospital at 4:00 pm that Thursday, 22. I said ok, and went home to get things ready. I woke up having pains. They were hard pains. I told Keri (Mackenzie's Nanna) about the pains. She said it sounded like we needed to go to the hospital. So I went and had a bath just in case I had her that day. We called Rhonda (a friend) to bring us to the hospital. It was raining bad that day, but she brought us anyway. Thank you Rhonda. We got there and the doctor decided to keep me, after all I had to be there that day anyway. Since we planned to have Mackenzie that Friday no one planned on being there Thursday. Keri stayed with me just for company, and so I wouldn't have to be alone. I was all hooked up to the machines, and they gave me something to knock me out till 4:00, that's when they were going to induce labour. Keri was eating and watching TV. I woke up and told Keri the pains were back to back. She laughed at me and said everything was ok. Five minutes later the nurse came in and said I was dilated 5 1/2 cm's Keri freaked out, and had to have a smoke. The nurse asked me if I was ready for my epidural? I said yes if it's time. I was hurting so bad I couldn't stop shaking. Soon as I had my epidural, I was fully dilated. My water still didn't break. The doctor had to break my water. Mackenzie didn't waste any time getting here.

 LOL She came in this world at 2:34pm, 6lbs 9ozs, 20 inches long. Keri was going to cut the cord, but something was wrong. the doctor cut the cord and gave Mackenzie to the nurses. They said she had got some of the fluid in her, and they had to get it out. I felt like there was more wrong than that. The nurses brought Mackenzie to the PICU to look after her. Then her doctor came in and confirmed my feelings. Mackenzie's doctor told me that Mackenzie needed 80% more oxygen than a normal newborn. the doctor said she checked Mackenzie's lungs and they were fine. She said that she had a heart doctor coming in to check her heart. I think my heart stopped beating. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The little girl I had been feeling for nine months, the little girl I had been wanting is now sick. The world that was going to be perfect was falling apart. Later that Thursday, both doctors came into my room. I knew that I was getting bad news. The other doctor said Mackenzie had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). The doctor said that this was a unique defect of the heart in many different ways. The doctors started explaining to me what this was. We were faced to learn: What is HLHS? Why is HLHS such a dangerous condition? They were talking about words like: left atrium, left ventricle ,mitral valve, aortic valve, aorta, oxygen. With these words I was lost. I had no clue of what was being said. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't understand, or if it's because I didn't want to hear it. I went numb all over, I didn't want to hear anything, unless it was that my angel was coming home O.K I didn't want to hear that Mackenzie needed meds to keep her alive. They were giving us three options. Well lets say four. Which we didn't have the first choice any more. (1) Medical Termination of the pregnancy. (MTP) This one is only if the doctors catch it before you have the baby. Here are the three options after the baby is born.(1) take your baby home to die. No way to this one we said. We couldn't do that. We wouldn't do that. (2) Heart Transplant. That's only if your baby is strong enough to wait for a infant heart.(3) Norwood Procedure- This is a three stage surgery. May or may not help. You will learn more bout HLHS on this site and many more. Well we decided to have Mackenzie transferred to another hospital. The people that air-lifted Mackenzie said she was doing great. We got to hold Mackenzie that Friday. WOW! That made my day. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to take it all away.  Keri and I went to our nephews house, near the hospital. We went everyday to see Mackenzie. (Something went wrong.) The line that was in Mackenzie's stomach started clogging up, she wasn't getting the meds she needed to her heart. A doctor came in and told me that Mackenzie needed another line ran through her leg if we wanted her to make it. So if course  I said ok ,yes, sure whatever you have to do. Well after Mackenzie slept all that day Keri asked ,Why is she sleeping so much? The nurse told her they gave her two doses of MORPHINE. Well that Sunday a doctor showed us a drawn out picture of Mackenzie's heart, and showed us what they were going to do. The doctor asked us what we wanted to do, the surgery or transplant? We told her surgery, then if that failed the transplant. We asked if Mackenzie was strong enough for surgery and the doctor said YES. After all Mackenzie was eating and breathing on her own. That was a good sign. So we spent time with Mackenzie that Sunday. Before we left Mackenzie opened her eyes and looked at me. I will never forget that. We left and was ready for Monday. that was the day to meet with everyone. We got up that Monday to get ready for the hospital. Keri called first to check on Mackenzie, they said Mackenzie was fine and resting. So we got ready and hurried off to the hospital to meet with doctors. We got there and they would not let us see Mackenzie. I knew then something bad was wrong. When we finally talked to someone they said Mackenzie started having trouble at 2:00am that morning, and there was nothing they could do. They said they weren't sure how much oxygen she had lost to the brain. they said it was a good idea to call family and friends in. Right there I freaked and my world stopped turning. The doctor said it was time for us to go in and see Mackenzie. Mackenzie looked blue and cold. It was so hard for me to see her like that, but I couldn't leave her. The nurses asked if we wanted to hold her. I did not refuse at all. Keri held her first. I knew Keri didn't want to let go, but had seen that her heart rate was dropping and wanted me to hold her. So I did. I was holding my angel  when her heart stopped then my heart stopped. I was holding her when the doctor gave me a blank look and said she was gone. I screamed out, No not my baby!!! I cried and cried. I couldn't let go. Keri had to take Mackenzie away from me. I was numb, I couldn't even think of who I was any more. I knew I wasn't a mother. That has been taken away from me. I couldn't /wouldn't handle the truth my baby girl was gone. I'm still in a daze, and I'm not sure that Mackenzie being gone has sunk in. I'm just trying to deal with the empty spot day to day. I do want to thank David and Michael (my nephews) for giving us a place to stay during that time. I love you guys. Becky (my sister-in-law) for giving us a place to stay, so I wouldn't have to go home right away, and for also paying for  Mackenzie to be put away. Hope & Ashley (my nieces) for trying to keep my mind on good things. So to all of you Thank you. Thanks for the rest of the people who were there for me. There are to many to name, but you know who you are.

Alitha...Mom to baby Mack.