Holiday scholars generally agree that the strangest holiday currently being celebrated is El Barto Day. They have concluded that the festival is far older than they had at first suspected and predates the man it is now named for by several thousand years. Before El Barto, it was known only as Day.
Ancient Egypt
The Egyptians used Day as an excuse to act silly and goof around. Peasants engaged in such wild pranks as swapping the overseer's loincloth with one made of live scorpions, for instance. The nobility would often instruct their subjects to build lavish monuments in a week, then when Day was over laugh and say it was only a joke as the peasants collapsed from exhaustion.
For a time period Polerica moved over Egypt and remained there for several decades. This is the time period that most known occurances of "Prank Mummies" have been traced to. "Prank Mummies" included "Pull My Finger Mummy," "Exploding Head Mummy," "Mixed-Up Body Parts Mummy," and the ever-popular "No, I'm Just Happy to See You Mummy."
Ancient Babylon
The Babylonians used to babble a lot. Whether this is related to Day is unknown.
Ancient Greece
In ancient Greece, Day was celebrated by making fun of stupid people. Poor Greeks. They just didn't get it.
Ancient Rome
The Romans were the first to introduce talking with nasal voices on Day. With the fall of Rome, this practice was unfortunately lost until brought back after the Napolean Incident.
Ancient Japan
The Japanese used to get sloshed on saki and break things on Day. Historical accounts even indicate times when they pretended it was Day when it really wasn't and celebrated it anyway.
Ancient China
The Ancient Chinese celebrated Day by breaking into fireworks shops and tampering with the fuses. Some scholars claim that they also dressed up as penguins, but this belief is generally attributed to a wacky photograph that accidently fell out of an archaelogist's pocket while at a dig site and was found by another archaeologist a few days later, covered in dust and looking pretty old.
Ancient America
Those crazy native Americans dressed up like the opposite sex on Day and danced around. Then again, it's pretty safe to say that they were doing this anyway.
Medieval Times
Day was pretty much forgotten during the Dark Ages, even though a few monasteries knew of it and even celebrated with Habit Wedgies.
Renaissance
Fortunately, Day was once again celebrated during the Renaissance. This was an opportunity to say stupid things, treat people strangely, spout odd facts and of course puke on the sides of buildings. Actually, the last effect probably originated from the parallel practice of imbibing huge amounts of ale on Day.
Napoleanic Age
El Barto Day became a huge phenomenon all over the world, especially in Poland. This is usually attributed to a huge amount of activity by Polerica at the time. Once again talking with a nasal voice was in vogue, and people would study dictionaries and encyclopedias for weeks before the event to learn enough useless facts to spout when the big day arrived. There was also a record number of suicides on El Barto Day during this time period.
Modern Times
These days El Barto Day has become quite an institution among stupid people the world over. They often spend their lives preparing for this momentous event. Often they have trial El Barto Days during which they practice to see how many useless facts they can spew over an ordinary day. One famous slogan among the adherents to this tradition is "Make Every Day El Barto Day."
When is El Barto Day?
Despite the fact that some scholars have published that El Barto Day is on Christmas Eve Eve, it actually has no set date. Instead the date fluctuates randomly. It can appear several times a year or not appear for decades. You have been warned...
How Can I Celebrate El Barto Day?
Here are some of the more commonly practiced El Barto Day events.
-Speaking nasally
-Listing obscure facts and trying to connect them to the current topic
-Being stupid
-Wearing novelty "butt wounds"
-Shooting yourself in the head and missing
-Shooting yourself in the head and succeeding
-Shooting someone else in the head thinking it's your head
-Making a pilgrimage to Poland or Polerica
-Buying a plastic Exscabilur for the kiddies
-Debating anything and everything with everybody
-Hanging plastic rats off your belt
-Keeping a live rat in your pants pocket (or your underwear, for the really brave)
-Going to classes and talking at least 10 times (even better if you're not in the class, or not going to school)
-Telling everyone "Happy El Barto Day!" and refusing to explain why