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Red Flags & Abuse

This isn't comprehensive but if some of these things sound familiar, it is a big sign that your relationship is not healthy. If you're already married, you may want to consider seeking counseling. If you haven't made that commitment, reconsider the relationship. If it's abusive, please get help! Every year people die at the hand of those that "love" them. Don't be a statistic.

If he has ever hit you, it's time to move on. Even if you're having his baby, you don't have to stay with an abuser. Unfortunately, people who hit their girlfriends are the same people who hit their wives and eventually hit their children. He may seem really sweet later on and promise, maybe even with tears in his eyes, to never do it again. He might even mean that promise. But he won't keep it. 

If this is a part of your relationship, I urge you to get help. Turn to a counselor, a teacher, a pastor, a social worker, a shelter - just find someone you can trust who will help you. 

If you're a guy dealing with this problem it may be particularly embarrassing. Don't let that stop you from getting help. It happens to men, too. 

If the first person doesn't help you, go to another. Don't stay with him! He is not going to magically get better. It is not your fault - even if you yelled at him or feel guilty it doesn't change the fact that no matter what you do he is not to hit you - ever. If you feel trapped by love, it's time to realize that real love doesn't lead to hell. Real love is tough and it wants the best. It's not good for anyone to be abusive or to be abused. Don't be an enabler.

If he has cheated on you, it's time to move on. Most likely, he will cheat again. Not only does this damage your self-image, break your heart, and make you feel worthless (like that isn't enough!) you are running the risk of STDs and stepchildren. You will not have a fulfilling, loving, intimate relationship with a man (or woman) who cheats on you. It is extremely rare that a relationship can survive this and even rarer that it would survive with any real degree of happiness or intimacy. It can happen - when both people are willing and honest, but this isn't usually the case. If you're not married, it is probably time to move on and start healing. Believe it or not, there are people who keep their promises. 

If he keeps you from your family or friends, it may be time to move on. He is not to keep you from the people you love. If you find it hard to visit other people, if he physically keeps you away, it's time to move on. If he makes you feel guilty or makes it difficult for you to go out then it's time to move on. It is not right or healthy to spend every second of every day at his beck and call. It is not his right to expect you to do this. You should be able to have a life, too. BUT: If he has a legitimate reason for concern - if you are partying, drinking, doing drugs, taking unnecessary risks, (you know who you are) then sit down and listen. It may be that he loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt. If this is the case, or if he has good reason to think it's the case, seek counseling.

If he calls you names or treats you like you're inferior, it is time to move on. This is another form of abuse. If he gets upset and calls you stupid, dumb, ugly, a whore, bitch, etc., you need to know that it is not true. He has no right to call you those things!  You do not have to take it. He is not the only one who will love you. You are worth more than that! You have to believe in yourself. This guy probably hates himself more than he could ever admit. He might think he loves you, but he is using you to make himself feel better. You are not someone's doormat. If you really love him, you will not continue enabling him to hurt himself. Because that's what he's doing - keeping himself down in a cycle of abuse and using you to help him do it. Don't be afraid to break that cycle.

If he lies to his mother, it is time to move on. That might sound a little crazy, but the fact of the matter is that how he treats his family (often especially his mom!) shows you how he will probably treat you, if he isn't doing it already. What I mean by lying is habitual, disrespectful lying. Most people have probably lied to there parents here and there growing up. Then there are those who lie all the time. They lie to cover up for themselves. Even worse, sometimes people lie just because they can. He may swear never to lie to you - whether he means it or not, this is not true - especially if marriage is on the horizon. People who don't know how to be in a family don't know how to make a family, either. Sometimes being the girlfriend may give you a sense of lying-immunity but don't be fooled. Once you're in the role of family, you become another person to sneak around.

If he has strange or painful sexual demands, it is time to move on. It might start out gentle but if you get hurt and he doesn't stop, you need to get out NOW. People don't like to talk about this, but you need to understand that being silent will not make the problem go away. He needs help. In this world there are a lot of people messed up sexually. One in four women will experience some sort of sexual assault in their lives. Most rapes are actually done by boyfriends and husbands - not strangers. If he forces you to do things you are uncomfortable with, he is abusing you. Please get out now! Things will only get worse. You are not dirty or trash and you do not deserve to be treated like that. No one does. If you have been abused in the past, you might feel lost when it comes to sex and relationships. That is a normal feeling for people in that kind of situation. There is only one solution and it involves slowing down and not having sex. You need to relearn what a good relationship is. Sex should make you feel good - not ashamed. 

If you read these and see yourself in the red flags, please consider counseling. I don't know what your situation is, but if you want it, there is help. Take advantage of it! If you came from an abusive family, it's time to break the cycle. It starts with you right now today. Don't let your mistakes keep you from becoming the person you want to be. There is always hope.