07.03.02

Well, Benjamin has the chicken pox and so does my DH. 22 and he has the chicken pox. It's almost funny. ; ) They made him work anyway and he works at a deli (eewww). So far he seems to be doing pretty well. It's not a horribly acute case or anything. The doctor got a needle and took a culture today so that she could verify that's what it was. They do not want to believe it could be chicken pox because he's pretty sure he had them as a child. I know it's rare, but I don't know what else it could be. My 6 year old cousin got them first, gave them to my year old sister, who gave them to Benji and apparently Paul as well. If it isn't chicken pox then something is horribly wrong and things that are horribly wrong make me nervous.

Today I was dropping my brother back off at his place after he hung out here for a few hours and we all laughed at some ratings on The Brunching Shuttlecock. I will never, ever look at melon balls the same way again. :D Being with a cranky, spotted 11 month old for the last few days and with a moody 5 year old who just got back from spending three weeks with his paternal grandparents and father is getting to me. Or maybe it's being 7 months pregnant. Or all of the above. I'm voting for all of the above. 

Anyway, driving home with the sultry summer air flowing through my rattling Festiva (which desperately needs to be cleaned out. I swear I will do it. Really. Uh...) made me want to stay out. I was lost in thought and took a left on Vine instead of a right on my way home and found myself thinking "You know, I could just keep going..." Benji was in the back, not sleeping. I explained to him that he needed to go to sleep but he doesn't always listen very well. ; ) Something about being a baby and all that. He loves the wind on his face, too. Ah the beautiful outdoors at twilight! I love the night summer air and the fact that there aren't as many people around. I like taking long walks at midnight. Having children makes that difficult. Well, Benji doesn't mind being in the stroller but Luke is a little old and needs to be sleeping. Too old to come, too young to leave at home alone for several more years yet and they don't have Night Kindergarten for children of night owls for some crazy reason.

The thing is, I love being a mom. My children are the most precious people and to be their mother is something amazing. But sometimes, all I want to do is go to a coffee shop for a few (read that 4 or 5) hours and sip some chai.... and maybe have a Djarum. Yum. I don't smoke per se but I love cloves. Haven't had one in, ah... years? Something like that. I was pregnant. Then I was busy. Then I was pregnant, again. It's the little things. It occurs to me that Paul and I haven't been out together for several months. I'm a big believer in setting aside fun time with one's significant other, especially when there are children involved. I don't want to wave my last kid off to college (or where ever) and then go home and realize I'm married to a stranger and I'm not really all that excited about it.

This really came up partly because I was talking to my brother while driving him home. He wants to join the Army. Well, that's all fine and good I suppose. I don't want him to go, but I support his choice. It's something he really wants to do. It's funny because the way his friends are, it'd almost be easier to come home to a conservative Christian family and announce that he was gay than to go to them and announce his upcoming soldier-hood. I don't envy his predicament and I think it's important that people get support. He's trying to do something that he sees as very positive and perhaps it will be. I'm not so convinced but I know he wants more out of life than what he has and joining is a way for him to get out of Illinois and stretch his wings a bit. I feel better about it now, too because I asked him why he was joining and he looked at me, paused a moment, then said "Because I want to be a soldier." with quiet sincerity. (He never does or says anything with quiet sincerity.) He works at Hot Topic, lives in a place now missing several bongs and such since the cops showed up, and has greenish hair. He's into L5R, punk, and goth night on C street. But he wants to join. So hey, join. 

I was trying to explain to him that he can do anything he wants. Anything! With the night breeze caressing my face and the abandoned construction zones littering the cooling streets, I wanted, very briefly, to be in his shoes instead of in mine. I thought of my brother and wanted to say, "If you could just see what you have right now, then you would realize you are free and nothing can stop you!" 

There are still nights, like tonight, when I realize just how much being a parent changes my current options. Some people are comfortable carting their children off into whatever peril they have gotten themselves into but I'm not one of them. I can't go hang out for a while on a whim and I haven't been able to since I was 15 years old (And before that I had to ask my parents for permission. Sucked.). It's cool most of the time but I really struggled with it at first. I remember times of feeling an almost overwhelming jealousy when I saw my non-mothering friends doing whatever they wanted with their lives. Especially when my supposed-to-be-parenting-(ex)husband went along with. (Grrr!) They felt trapped in teenagedom at times, I know, but to me I really was trapped. They were bored, I was isolated, trapped, going no where, unable to fix it, and bored. And changing a diaper or cleaning a mess or quieting a cry or kissing a boo-boo and all the while trying very desperately to hold myself together because someone else needed me to not realizing that I needed me to, too. The key difference being their ability to change their situation and my ability to stay in the same whole as I was missing the tools to go any where else.

But then I finally realized that somewhere there's someone who would look at my life and tell me the same things I want my brother to understand "You're free! You can do anything you want. If you could only see it!" And that person would be right. Maybe I can't go out for coffee right this instant or backpack through Europe or buy a tent and try to live for a month in all 50 states, but I get to play pat-a-cake and hear things like "I love you Mommy" and find food in inexplicable places. These times and these memories are infinitely more precious. Because truly, you don't know what you have until it's gone. If I was out there and single and childless, I would be lonely. I know myself. I would be lonely and bored. Even worse, I wouldn't have the courage to actually do any of the things I say I want to. 

It was having children and learning to love that is changing me into a person who really can seize life. And life is fluid. The best presents I've ever received are the ones I didn't know I wanted. And for crying out loud, I have a coffee maker. : ) And Gram is going to watch the kids for me next week (yay!). I wish motherhood was valued but I see it being cut down every time I turn around and it's what I do. It is just as valid as anything else and even more so because the crazy things I want to do, I want to do to collect the experiences for myself. As a mother, I am contributing to and shaping other lives and making an impression that will last longer and mean more than a collection of rag tag journal entries and undeveloped rolls of film from places I thought were interesting.

I have to remind myself at times that I can be whatever I want to be because it's true. The chains I carried when I first found out I was pregnant turned out to be chains created by my mind more than by my circumstance and once I knew that, I had the key to leave them behind. Because what I want to be is happy. More precious than the fount of youth is learning the secret of contentment in all circumstances. Being a mother is a challenge and it's a struggle and it's my chief joy. That's wonderful and irreplaceable and I forget that. Why do we all seem to forget these things and think "Oh if only this, then I would be happy" or "If only that, then I would be happy." It's a bunch of crap.

In watching my son learn to walk, I've seen him fall as many times as he is successful and I wonder that humans can walk at all. How can he get back up and try again time after time after time? Wobbling on uncertain legs and veering off into directions he wasn't planning on going... It seems that most would have given up. Enough of us do when we are adults and faced with challenges that seem unconquerable. But look at all of those walking people out there! And I am walking, too. (And if I waddle for a while, well, that's okay, too. :) Besides, it's too hot for coffee right now anyway. I'd rather have ice cream. : )

06/28/02

I had another doctor's appointment a week or so ago. I'm getting some standard lab work done on the next appointment (oh boy) so I'm not really looking forward to it. I explained to my doctor (who I love) that I want as natural a birth as possible and discussed the possibility of different birthing positions and such. She is very supportive and flexible which I am extremely happy about. She is also the first doctor I've had that made me feel like what I thought was important. Pretty sad, really. Everyone should feel like they can communicate well with their doctor and that their doctor values them as an individual person with unique needs and problems and not just another faceless patient/disease/condition.

The baby is kicking and tumbling around all the time. : ) Well, really mostly at night and different times during the day. She has a noticeable sleep/wake cycle and I'm afraid she'll take after the first two and want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. I blame their father. ; )

After having my nerves about delivery settled a while back they flared up again the day before my last doctor's appointment. It's not as bad now but I'm dealing with some real apprehension. I had an unplanned c-section last time and for me it was absolutely miserable. I hated it. The recovery was wretched. I've read a few glowing reports about c-section births but mine was hell. I never, ever want to go through that again. Ever. I'm not gaining weight as rapidly as last time so I have great hope that this will not be another ten and a half pound baby. (Please oh please be little!) My oldest was 8lbs 9oz which was great. I had him vaginally after five hours of labor. I'm hoping for a similar experience this time. How ever it goes, I'm not going to the hospital until the last minute if I can help it. Hospitals suck.

We haven't made any progress on choosing a name. DH has suggested Charlotte which I said no way to. Then he suggested Saffron (Saphron?) of Mello Yello fame. Um, don't think so. I used to really like the name Aurelia which I thought he hated but now he keeps bringing that one up. I like it a lot but I can't quite see using it on an actual child. I had a mouse named Aurelia a few years back. That was good enough. We've been looking through baby books and websites but we've come up with nothing so far. We'll just name her Baby Girl. Or not. Or I could be like everyone else in my age group and go with MaKenzie or some variation there of. 

Meanwhile, in almost toddler land, Benjamin (who is 11 months at this writing) starting walking last month on Luke's (my oldest) 5th birthday. He's been walking ever since. And biting. A lot. He is cutting his 7th tooth. *sigh* It's all good. Luke will be starting Kindergarten this fall which I am not ready for. Where'd the time go?!?! I must be missing a few years somewhere. I can't believe how much he's grown. I'd better watch it or he's going to be asking me for the car keys and I'm going to tell him, "But Sweetie, you're only 3, you can't drive a car." And he's going to clear his throat and remind me about the senior prom... Ack. Time flies when you're too busy trying to hang on to notice. 

I added a new thing to the site a little while back. I ran into some ads from www.teenpregnancy.org that really angered me. Check out Stereotypical if you're interested in seeing what's up.

06/16/02

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes you know. It's been a while since a rude stare or comment brought me face to face with the reality of my age compared to my children's ages and tried to convince me there was something wrong. I just have been lucky, I guess. Mostly what happens to get me down is I still at times find myself comparing my life and self to someone who had children at an older age and imagining that because of my age I come up short. What a bunch of crap. I don't run into a lot of dumb stuff besides the occasional ignorant comments left in my guestbook any more just because I don't have a vivid social life. I'm a little antisocial, actually. I'm stay at home with my husband and children for the most part and I'm quite happy doing that on any given Saturday night. Or my husband and I go out if we can get babysitting which is cool. But anyway I ended up caught in that dumb trap the other day after having a totally rotten morning and this time I don't get to blame someone else's judgmental ignorance.

I was 15 when I had Luke and my 21st birthday is in September. It's my golden birthday, I was born on the 21st, and being nine months pregnant was not how I was planning on celebrating it. My daughter is due September 23rd. Going to a bar wasn't all that appealing, either, but that's not the point. Well... some days you just feel inadequate. Everyone does at times, I know, but for me it's always because I'm 'too young' to have the life I have. I know that's not true but it affects me anyway sometimes. My son is on visitation with his dad for three weeks which is a big part of it. My ex and I can talk and get along pretty well, as far as I can tell. It's still hard seeing him regularly and it's even harder letting Luke go because I have a family for him here. And then it's even harder because I feel insecure. I know that when Luke's there he is basically raised by his grandparents because my ex lives with his parents and is holding down basically three jobs and an active social life. In rare moments I doubt my ability to be a good mother to him despite the fact that I've been pulling it off for 5 years now. Why? Because of my age and background. That's it. So silly. :(

My little one is moving more and more. She is growing so fast. At least I'm not afraid about giving birth again like I was in the beginning. I don't know if I'll fall back into it once it comes down to September, though. I really do not want another c-section. They suck. I have a lot of confidence in my doctor and that went a long way to helping me feel more prepared for this. This is my third pregnancy and somehow I managed to make none of them planned. Go figure. ; )

I'm starting back at college full time in the fall. How am I going to pull this off? The magic of internet classes. : ) School is really important to me. I actually still have dreams that I'm back at high school with the opportunity to finish (I have a GED) despite having started college. And the crazy thing is that they are happy dreams. I hated high school! For some reason it just really bothers me that I didn't get to finish. I think I just felt forced out of it and that grates at me quite a bit. I am thrilled to be going back to school, though. I love learning and this is really exciting for me. It will be a lot with a new baby but I can take all of my coursework online this semester. I'm looking to be a high school history teacher (now I just need a cat to go with my antisocial, book loving tendencies and I'll be all set). I don't really know what I'll end up doing. I like writing, working with computers, bioengineering, genetics, and theoretical physics along with history and theology. Oh and there's that little part that still wants to be a rock star. :D Time to get Benji up from his nap... how time flies when all is quiet except my radio... time to get my brother from Hot Topic, too.

06/04/02

My last doctor's appointment was uneventful. I love hearing the baby's heart beat. : ) And I feel her moving regularly now. My oldest got to feel her move the other day. : ) That was really sweet. He just turned five.

They made a mistake with my initial bloodwork and somehow missed checking to see if I am immune to Hepatitis. So now they want to draw my blood again to check for that. I find that extremely annoying. First of all, my medical records show that I received all the necessary immunizations and the tests for my first two pregnancies confirmed my immunity but they still want to check. Why? Grr... It's not like they can do anything about it at this point anyway and my records show that I am immune but somehow that is not enough. These people make no sense to me.

I told them that if they feel they must, then they can draw the blood when they do my next gestational diabetes test. The doctor I go to routinely performs that test twice. I feel it is entirely unnecessary as well but I keep telling myself 'better safe than sorry' even though I have no symptoms, no history, no family history of it, and the test isn't 100% accurate. I hate having my blood drawn. :( I don't know anyone who is particularly fond of it but I really loathe it. I also have to get my RhoGam shot as my blood type is O negative. Yes, for those of you who are in the know, that means I'm a universal donor. Anyone need some blood? ; ) Just kidding.

We have absolutely no idea what we are going to name her. A friend lent us a baby name book and we were reading through some of them the other night. I like a lot of names but I have a really hard time imagining using any of them! And we want to find something we both agree on which seems pretty impossible at this point. I'm sure we'll think of something eventually. Maybe one of the nurses around the delivery will have a neat name... ; )

03/20/02

This pregnancy has been different from my first two. It's so close to my last one that I'm definitely feeling a little resentment at all the poking and prodding and such that goes along with it. I am dreading my next doctor's appointment on the 26th. I try to remind myself that it's all in the baby's best interest to be safe rather than sorry but I am so certain that everything is okay that I resent the intrusion in spite of myself. Besides, I just had these things done! It will be okay, though. I've got to get my blood drawn for various tests and have a glucose tolerance test on top of that. The only test I like is the ultrasound! I hate the pelvic, the pap smear, the various blood tests, and especially the routine tests for STD's I know I don't have.

I am, at this writing, approximately 13 to 14 weeks along. So right now that means the baby looks a lot like this picture. And she has little fingers and toes and such things as you can see. Lying on my stomach I thought for a moment that I felt her move the other day but it's hard to be sure this early. Maybe soon I'll get to find out if she's really a girl or if she's a boy. I am excited about that. : ) Whichever gender the baby is, I am excited to have another child. Three boys would be just fine. Besides, Paul and I have talked about the possibility of adoption later on (maybe an older child who just really needed a home) so we always have that option. Speaking of Paul, he has a new job so our roles are official reversed. He is working full time and I am a stay at home mom.

I ended up just telling my dad via instant messenger. The due date I had at that time was actually on his birthday although it's been moved up since then. (My first two were late, though.) He took it like I expected him to. Said congrats, expressed concern, said it was my life. I know he wants us to name the baby with a family name and I don't see that happening right now but we'll see. It will be especially hard if the baby is born on his birthday! I just met my dad a few years ago so although we have a relationship now it isn't what I'd describe as close.

More about the baby:

If she is indeed a girl than she now has approximately 2 million eggs in her ovaries; she will have only a million by the time she's born. She'll have fewer eggs as she gets older, and by age 17, the number will have dropped to 200,000.

• Note: Experts say every baby develops differently — even in utero. These fetal development pages are designed to give a general idea of how a fetus grows in the womb

Even more info:

Vocal chords are complete, and the child can and does sometimes cry (silently). The brain is fully formed, and (according to some research) the child can feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers.

02/25/02

Well, I might have more time to work on this page. I just got let go from my job today. They've let 5 people go before me and another is leaving soon so it's not a huge shock. It's a small company going through some hard times and they're cutting corners all over the place. Guess I'm a corner. It's too bad, I really loved my job and the people there and I will miss them. Besides the minor (sarcasm!) point that now we have no real income. Things will work out somehow, I just don't know how. I had just become eligible for insurance so now I suppose I'll have to resort to KidCare.

Benjamin, my 7 month old, is getting bigger every day! It seems like he is constantly learning new things and takes such a delight in each and every new accomplishment. Right now he's chewing on the end of the couch. (His Daddy is playing with him.)

I've called my dad several times but I haven't been able to get a hold of him. Oh well, no biggie. We will see how things go from here!

(The picture is of a baby at about 8 weeks along. Cute little guy, isn't he?)

02/10/02

I've called Dad but he didn't answer. He returned my call but I won't be able to get a hold of him until next weekend because of our works schedules. I don't want to tell him via email although I suppose I could.

Our car broke down today so this is going to be fun. At least where I live there is a good bus system where I live. :/ I say to God, "Well if faith can move mountains, do you think it could get me a reliable care?"

One thing that's been annoying me when I tell people I'm expecting again: If I hear one more time "Ya know, doctors know what causes that..." I might scream. More likely I'll just look blank and say something like "Really? So I should stay away from avocado then?".

I gained 40 pounds with my first and 52 pounds with my second - I refuse to gain 60 with this one! So far, so good. But I've just barely started! We'll see how it goes. If I get huge then when I'm in the store and some strange lady stops me and asks if I'm having twins then I can just look at her sweetly and say "No, I'm just shop-lifting". *grin*

I hope that I don't end up on bed rest or something horrible like that. I try not to think of all the negatives but I'm not very good at ignoring them sometimes. ; ) Something different so far is that I've found myself pretty moody this time around, especially towards my husband. I told him that he had to have the next one but noooo, I'm the one pregnant again. Go figure...

02/08/02

At this point, my baby is tiny! I'm approximately 5 weeks along. She has a beating heart, developing eyes and central nervous system, and budding arms and legs. Soon she will be 'swimming' and doing all sorts of things. : )

I've told everyone at work and in my family about the baby. Well, not my father or brother yet. I'm going to call my dad tonight and tell him. I'll tell my brother the next time I see him. We won't tell Luke until much later, probably when I'm at four or five months along. Pregnancy lasts forever to a four year old! He'll be five and starting school by the time this one is born.

In a lot of ways, I don't feel pregnant yet. It's sort of this abstract concept. I notice differences but they are mostly subtle ones. My memories of pregnancy are vivid images of me at 9 months along and it's quite different.

One thing I was a little disappointed about was that I still had ten or so pounds to loose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before Benji. Well, I got the flu and spent nearly a week sick and several days of that I wasn't able to hold down any food at all. So I lost some of that weight. It's the only (sort of) highpoint to that. I was able to keep down my prenatal vitamins so that eases my worries a little.

These first few months are so uncertain. Anything could happen. I want to give my baby and myself the best chance as possible so I'm trying to pay special attention to what I eat and making sure I get enough sleep. Paul (my husband) is instrumental in that. : )

Well, it's time to call Dad. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm nervous about it. He will just say, "Hey, it's your life" and then worry about me for the next 8 months. Oh well... *sigh* (*listening to the radio* And no, Geico does not have a sister company named Girlco...)

01/21/02

Today, close to 20:00, a store-bought test confirmed our pregnancy. This is the third time I have carried a child inside of me. I have to admit that I am a little nervous as well as excited. Like my previous pregnancies, this one was not planned. We were, in fact, faithfully using contraception.

I believe that God is the Author and Giver of life so I will not despair at the timing or at what seems to be a nearly impossible situation. [Really it's the best situation I've been in to have a baby.]

As for my body, I have already noticed the signs of pregnancy. My appetite has increased as well as my need for sleep. I urinate more frequently and it is bright in color – a sure sign of pregnancy in me.

Our middle child, Benjamin, is only 6 months old as of this writing. He is adorable and sweet – both of my children are everything a parent could want in a child. ; ) (I think every parent feels that way.) Lucus is four and a half. He is energetic and creative and a constant challenge as well as a constant joy. I wonder how they will both take this change.

I was afraid of becoming pregnant so soon. Really I was afraid of becoming pregnant at all. My last pregnancy was difficult for me both physically and emotionally and it is a pain that lasted for months after Benjamin was finally born – very late but very healthy, for which I thank God. I pray that this child will be similarly blessed with health. It seems we have been incredibly blessed. It is tempting to say lucky but I don’t believe in luck or in fate. I believe in God. I know that we are all in His hands and that His timing is perfect and that eases my worries because I am confident that I can – and most certainly should! – trust in Him.

I do think that it is a girl. If it is not, I will be just as blessed and I believe just as happy. I think she is girl, though, and I'll stick with that until proven otherwise. I wonder what her name will be. : ) It is part of the light-hearted, fun part of this. I think I will be able to give birth vaginally which I am excited about. I really do not want another C-Section. That was absolutely miserable. God knows what’s best and what my body can handle, though. I just pray that my job will hold – well, actually, just that God’s will be done. He provides for us and always will through whatever means He chooses.

[My prayer... I thought about deleting this but it is in my journal and part of my life.]

Thank you, Father, for this life you have created in me. Thank you for this precious blessing you have seen fit to bestow on us. Thank you for your love and your mercy, Lord. This is truly the richest blessing a person could have and I praise You for it! Thank you Lord that You are the Author and Giver of life and that You pick the timing because Your timing is perfect. Thank you for always providing for us and knowing what we really need even when we are blind to it. Thank you, Lord, for keeping us safe and teaching us more about You. May we all, everyone in this house, walk in Your ways to the glory of Your name. May you be glorified through us all! Amen!