It’s just a little thing….ha, it’s always just a little thing.
Ethan doesn’t like that I don’t want to do things with him and Holden. He wishes I could like him more, spend more time hanging out with them wherever—on the road, in the kitchen, in front of the tv. He’s offered to stay out of the house as much as possible when I’m there and it’s one of those weekends. And to be truthful, as I like to be, this last weekend he did pretty much just that.
I do appreciate it.
I hate myself sometimes. I know I have the selfish feelings; the ones where I think to myself that I don’t want Holden coming around, I don’t want them to have a good relationship. The thoughts that I want to make Holden uncomfortable, that I do want to be present all the time he’s with Ethan, so they don’t have one on one bonding time, so I can ask the questions that Ethan won’t that make Holden squirm. The thoughts that I want to ensure Holden won’t ever consider coming to visit or even calling Ethan after they haul him off to college. I want to foster the image Holden already has planted in his mind that Ethan is not proud of him, happy with him, that he is now and forever will be the antagonist in his life. I like it when Ethan is bummed that Holden has spent the entire weekend doing whatever he wants alone in his room upstairs with the door shut. I don’t like these last two weekends when Holden has made the effort to spend the majority of his visit with Ethan, talking and engaging him in conversations, instead of his usual sitting through mandatory time attitude. I don’t want them to get to know each other, much less like each other.
I know I told Ethan I wanted out, that I didn’t want to be in the same room as Holden. I don’t want him in my house. That he should take him away, find something to do with him and finding an activity is not my problem to solve. Ethan is the father, it is Ethan’s time to spend getting acquainted with his son, not mine. If he doesn’t know what to do with his own child, then why should I know? It is a struggle for him I know. He feels useless, like the time spent bringing Holden over is futile, perhaps a tad cruel to Holden because there’s nothing interesting around here for him to do. No friends, no video games. But Ethan has learned somewhat. He does try. He does take Holden out for random drives and sits in the park and chats. Yes, Ethan isn’t good at thinking on his feet and it is unusual for him to instigate such outings, but Holden is happy to play along.
Ay, there’s the rub. I don’t want a thing to do with their life, their relationship, or more accurately to be a part of Holden’s life, or the part of Ethan’s life that includes Holden. So I leave them alone to sort it out amongst themselves. And by doing that, I allow that relationship to foster and grow, strengthen and endure.
Which as I’ve mentioned, is not what I want. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Interfere or not, help or not. Be active and do what deep down I know in theory is wrong of me (sabotaging their relationship); be passive and do what deep down I know I don’t want (aid their relationship).
I don’t know which way is up anymore. Maybe I know I can still do the ‘right’ thing by being a stubborn hard-ass. I really don’t know. Maybe beating myself up over this every night is the one way to ensure Ethan goes out and does what he has to do be that father he wants to be.
I just wish he could be that father with our kids and ours alone. Second chances abound for everyone but me, right? He can try again with our kids, but I only get this one life, one marriage to do everything right.