I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I’m drastically adverse to change.
It appears to me tonight, that I do prefer the visits when Holden holes himself up in his room scarce to be seen. Of course, this might just be that I’m wicked and selfish and deep inside I don’t want him and Ethan to have a good, healthy relationship. I want there to be that uncomfortability, the absence of security for Holden--perhaps to ensure he will never want to spend any more time with Ethan once he goes to college?
Maybe I preferred when Elizabeth was just secretly a bitch, and I didn’t witness it or hear about it. Maybe that’s why I cannot forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones, and start fresh.
It might also just be that I’m looking for ways out, and this sounds so far like a pretty good one.
I’m comfortable with the animosity, the feelings of frustration. I think I actually like when I make Holden uncomfortable, putting him on the spot with my questions. I like that he can’t name the main streets in his hometown, I like that he can’t do things for himself, I like when he forgets his key and gets Cs and Ds on his report cards. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier in this situation if I never inquired about the grades, made Ethan aware and had him get involved with the Bitch about it. I could still secretly be glad that Holden was floundering, would never amount to anything, and watch him have his dreams crushed.
Eh, I probably would have tired of that too, and then would be stuck with him.
I’m actually not feeling too much of anything tonight. I was not too indifferent when we picked him up. Made my polite small talk of asking if he’d eaten dinner already. Listened to him ramble on in the car about his new activities. Nothing too out of the usual routine there.
It was when we got home when I started thinking about the issue of Change.
He had his key with him, and pulled it out as he slowly started up the drive to the house, to my minor chagrin. But instead of retreating to his room he lingered in the kitchen, making more chitchat with Ethan. They chatted about this and that, (I was on the phone with my brother so it was difficult to follow both conversations...as much as I don’t want to be involved in Holden’s life I have a tremendous morbid curiosity to know the details of that life) apparently Holden has recently taken an interest in clothing and wants Ethan to take him to the Gap and other clothing stores this weekend. (Different from the usual shrug and Barnes and Noble suggestion). He also has taken to some new bands. He jumped at the opportunity to go to Nadine’s with Ethan tomorrow night to watch another Kurosawa samurai movie.
This week he seems to have lots of things going on. Not the norm.
And of course, the decent sliver of me realizes that this is good, it’s good he’s finding activities that he really enjoys and is sticking with; it’s good that he’s taking an interest in his appearance. I know. Of course, I know that. It’s good that he’s still doing his homework and pulling the good grades so he can earn that trip to France this summer. It’s good that he’s upstairs now, sitting by Ethan’s side, showing him his school computer.
They’re bonding. They’re having fun. Holden seems relaxed to be here and Ethan of course is thriving on the attention that Holden is paying him.
And that’s what it’s all about. It’s not about me, and I realize that that is part of the problem. I am being selfish; I don’t want him spending time with him when he could spend it with me. He sat in the kitchen for almost two hours with him. After about 30 minutes with me he’s telling me he has got to sit in the La-z-boy because he’s in so much pain. And 2 minutes in the La-z-boy with me trying to converse with him he’s asleep; but put Holden in front of him and a half hour flies by unnoticed. Normally, he’d have taken his medicine and brushed his teeth and upstairs under the covers by now. But not tonight. This weekend he will stay up late, and love every minute of it. They’re enjoying each other. That’s what visitation is for.
Maybe sometime tonight or this weekend Holden will call him Dad.
That would just be the icing on the cake. That’s all Ethan needs. That’s what he really wants. To be called Dad. We figured if we ever had kids that is what they would call him. But I know. You can’t convince me any different: As soon as Holden grants him that title, there will be no need for us to have children. You don’t know how easily a story can change. Like how it went from I want to have a baby to I can’t consider another child for at least 10 years. Sure, it’s I want kids, I want to be a dad to we don’t have the money for a baby, I don’t have the time.
You can protest. He can protest. I’m the one who sees the future, remember.
I think I should have made plans to go to Chicago this weekend. I think they have a full schedule planned and they don’t need me around. This would be a good weekend for them. When they can really spend some time together. (I realize this is probably an extra effort made by Holden who avoided Ethan most of the last to visits and heard about it). But that’s why it’s done. For weekends like this, to create those moments they each will treasure forever.
I just feel like I’m more alone. I see Ethan smile....he doesn’t show that smile the rest of the weeks before or after Holden comes or goes. I do sequester myself in the basement and that has somewhat helped shield me from the stronger feelings I feel swelling inside my chest. But it’s cold down here, and I can still here the murmurs upstairs and I still strain to eavesdrop on their precious time. I know Ethan is having a blast, and I know it pains him a little to see me by myself, to know that I’m in hiding. But it’s just a little, and I know how easy it is for him to get over things like that. I told him I’d give it an honest try for the next three years, to see if I can stay with him, but I know I’m not giving him an honest shot. An honest shot would have been paying attention to their conversations, to be there to watch them get along and get to know Holden by being graced with his presence. Honesty would be not jumping to the conclusions that Holden is going to fall in love with Ethan and insist on coming around regularly forever, assuming that we can’t have a family together because that would mean including Holden among our children.
I’m not giving anyone a chance. And I can’t say that I care to. It’s like, I’ve spent so much time, or at least I’ve spent my fair share of giving people chances, that I’m tired of it. I have one chance to make a good life for myself. I didn’t even tempt that future on sex and drugs in high school-- barely tempted it in college. I didn’t drop out, I did the best I could and muddled through to this point in my life where it’s time I shoot for the handsome man, the stylish home and bouncing babies of my own. But what I get instead is uprooted, to not quite the same man I loved and wanted, and on someone else’s terms of life. My love for a man dictates where I shall live for the rest of my life, and incorporates people I have no desire to know into my life every other weekend and places limitations on the rest of me....what kind of jobs I’m destined for, the people I will socialize with.
Maybe it would be best to leave him. Let him have his career, his son. As much as you would tell me I had to foresee some of these occurrences, so should he have foreseen that it could be so hard for the woman in his life to accept all the conditions he brings.
The worst part is when he says that Holden won’t be around forever. That he’ll go off to college ne’er to be heard from again.
So what does that mean for me? I can wait a few more years to start living? That I’m an afterthought, a spare put away for safekeeping, to pull out when Holden is gone and he needs someone to listen to him talk? Keep him entertained when he’s awake on the weekends? That’s probably one of the worst insults. Yes, when my life is gone, my reason for being, for going back to school and getting a career has left on his own, then I will need you. Just like I need you to bide my time between his visits. Someone to keep me happy.
What about those things I want? The family I want? How I want to have those things? It doesn’t matter--because I made this choice to be with Ethan certain sacrifices must be made and I must be the one to make them. Ethan knows this. He knows how wrong it is of him to keep me down.
This isn’t going to get any better. Not that I can see. The only way I think I could get through this--honestly, horribly--is if Holden were completely out of the picture. It’s truly a wicked thing to want, but I can’t grant either Ethan or myself happiness until I can trust that Holden will not be an issue. And that can only happen if I know for sure that Holden will not be around, never come around, not even to call after he turns 18. And I know that’s never going to happen. Ethan wouldn’t let that happen. He’ll always be a phantom around us, with Ethan's parents asking about him, with co-workers asking about Ethan's son, the pictures that will still be prominently displayed around the house and of course in all the stories Ethan has to tell. It’s only more likely that he will be a physical presence by them building their relationship on weekends like these. The good weekends.