So, I’ve been having conflicting thoughts and feelings, and it seems to only have exacerbated over time. I’m working on trying to single out and identify the root causes, any themes that I can find that are triggers for my recurring troubles. The best way I have been able to describe it is the feeling that I am living in Limbo. I don’t feel like I have a life of my own (and I want to have a life of my own) and I also feel like I should just accept that I will never have my dream life, I should just deal and get over myself and embrace the “package deal” concept. I guess I should clarify two points here: By my own life, I mean one where I live with my husband of course, but in which I don’t need to feel observed, or like an outsider, or have to run my schedule by anyone else, or be able to change jobs on a whim if the opportunity arose without feeling guilty that I’m making life so much harder because I take a pay cut to be a little bit happier. As far as the “package deal” theory goes, I have difficulty accepting this on the fundamental principle that a marriage is between two people (unless I suppose you’re a polygamist in which case you are (in theory) dealing with consenting adults and not children).

It’s like, every time I decide one way or the other how I’m going to be (disengaged and indifferent to the goings on between Ethan and Holden, not asking to hear about the latest encounter with Elizabeth or playing happy little family and toting Holden to the store with me and asking how all his friends are doing) some sort of instinct kicks in that prohibits me from throwing myself full-fledged into either school of thought. I’m also torn between accepting that I’ll just have to resign myself to the fact that Holden is always going to be a factor in our lives (despite Hs proclamations that I shouldn’t consider him a major factor in the rest of our life’s decisions because he’ll be gone in a few years anyway and not likely to maintain or want to maintain ongoing regular contact with Ethan) and doing whatever it takes to forge some semblance of the life I’ve always wanted for myself.

I know the simple answer is, “Don’t go to extremes, find a happy medium”, but that seems to be just the thing: I can’t. I can’t find this middle ground where I’m in control of my life and not just somebody else’s pawn and where I can be happy knowing that I’ve sacrificed everything that has ever defined me to be absorbed into someone else’s dream of family and not constantly wanting something else. And why is it so hard for me to accept this as just the way it has to be? Why waste my energy getting bothered by things like having to let Elizabeth know when and where Ethan and I are going on vacation, and sensing her disapproval because we’re going again on a trip and not taking Holden? Why get bothered so much when I buy new curtains or furniture or rugs to make my home beautiful and comfortable knowing that she’s already reamed Ethan once about how she has “gone without” for 15 years to provide for Holden and we flaunt our riches (instead of spending it more on Holden)? Why get irritated when she tells us that Ethan and I cannot discipline Holden without her approval, that whatever we try to teach him is unnecessary, that we should just let him be and not interfere with his upbringing (unless of course Ethan wants to contribute to the financial part of that upbringing).

And it’s not that Elizabeth is as bad as they come. (This is where I start getting caught in the undertow of my stream of consciousness…one thought leads to another to another until I have so totally strayed from my premise or original idea of what might be wrong). She doesn’t really threaten (except about the “oh I happened to talk to a lawyer about you trying to give Holden a punishment over x”) and she doesn’t pull sick stunts like trying to seduce Ethan (she pretty much gave up on him before she got pregnant). But she does have her way with words; she does know how to play people. And the fact remains that she has been verbally abusive to Ethan, in and out of my presence, the fact remains she yells at us for one thing and turns around and rephrases it for the benefit of whomever on her side might be listening, she acts as insulting to us as she imagines we are towards her (and in truth between ourselves do insult her now but that’s what happens when you repress something for so long), and pretty much always seems to look upon us with disdain and puts us through these cycles of acting like old buddies with Ethan then pulling some crap. And I don’t care if she’s pulled a stunt once, twice or even just thought about it. It’s the same to me, whether that’s fair of me to judge or not (and I reckon it’s probably not) but plainly, I know she’s capable of doing it and that bugs me. It bugs me because I know she could, would, do it again, especially if we gave her a ripe opportunity. Like (this is hypothetical) announcing I’m pregnant or that we’re going to adopt a child. Going back to a previous point, Ethan thinks a situation like that warrants no communication to Elizabeth; but what, eventually Holden is going to go and announce it. And now we’re back to “our” life and not having any privacy in matters that with a “normal” couple would be their business only or until they chose the appropriate moments to inform those they wished.

I know I can be much like a selfish little kid; I also know that I live a lot for others. I know that I love Ethan, and want to be with him. I know there are certain conditions that I have to accept, like his health (or lack of), his working 60 hours a week, that he is terrible at saving money. I know that I do not want to be so spiteful and vindictive that I actively try to come between him and Holden. I know that this is his only shot to be a father and he should make the most of it. I want to believe that as his wife I come first in the relationship. I want to believe that one day I may be lucky enough to have a child of my own (although it is not a truly feasible event). I want to believe that I won’t spend the rest of my life sitting around, waiting for a convenient time for Ethan to humor me with living. I am here for him, we have to be here because he had to move here to be close to Holden, and now he has to be here because he has a career. While he may have tried to assuage my fears that I would be living here for the rest of my life by spinning tales of how we could move to Chicago once he’s made partner somewhere, I know now (because the tale has changed) that he will never move to Chicago with me. For him, as long as he has me he’s happy; he doesn’t need another child in his life (but I think I do). Could it possibly be that Ethan and I are just fundamentally too different for a relationship, even just between us, his concurrent life notwithstanding, to work? Is it not so much that he has a son that is a source of stress in my life as simply Ethan?

I know if I say all the things that bother me about Holden I sound trifling. I know. I know that. I know it’s petty, I know it’s because he’s not my own biological relative that these things bother me, that he’s just a kid, etc. But still, they do. I’ll list some: I don’t like the way his hair looks, I don’t like the way he looks, or moves, or eats; I don’t like the way he doesn’t show any sign of thinking for himself, the way he mimics his mother; I don’t like his total lack of pride, his lack of discipline, his lack of responsibility, his general immaturity. I realize there are no good reasons to not like him. He’s there. Always will be too if he doesn’t show an interest in growing up and becoming an adult.

Of the things that bother me about Elizabeth, I don’t like her. It’s simple as that. I think she’s weak, I think she’s manipulative. Sure, of course I know she was abused and molested and had a hard time of it growing up; how she must have identity issues and all, but I think then for her to assume the role she has of ‘survivor’ that she should maybe get some real professional help. She’s clearly confused, one day ranting about how Ethan was never there for them yet also ranting about how she would never have been able to divorce him if she hadn’t put in the dissolution that they had joint custody of Holden. Ranting that he doesn’t spend enough time with him but ranting that most of the time Holden is miserable when he’s with Ethan and that she’s happy if we want more time with Holden—but only at Holden indication.