TORTOISE TROPHY
This has been awarded to British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
RUBBER CUSHION
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
CRIMEWATCH CUP
Gold Star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court "My client is not a very bright young man."
Silver Star: To Michael Robinson, who rang the police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
Bronze Star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
BRITISH CUP
To the passengers on a jam packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in sex, but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
FLYING CROSS
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90 minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
LAZARUS LAUREL
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt up right and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.