Here is the sequel to Artoo's point of view. C-3po explaining the birds and the bees to R2-D2! LOL What a scream! I have to say that this is as suggestive as the first. (If not more) My comic relief for the ML and SW galaxies. Enjoy!!

Disclaimer-all of this belongs to GL and Lucasfil Ltd. I am making no money from this. It is purely for entertainment purposes only. Please don't sue.

C-3po's explanation

By Maara/Allison

 PG-13

C-3po stood at the COMM station in the Solo's apartment processing the notes on the day's senate meetings. As the reports worked in the computer, the droid let his own processors go back over his conversation with R2-D2 the night before.

Artoo had just returned with Master Luke and Mistress Jade from a system called Nirauan. They had gone there to rescue the red headed woman, who had been injured and was possibly captured in a cavern on the planet surface. He had known that Master Luke and Miss Mara were friends but he was completely taken aback when they announced their engagement upon their return. After the initial silence they were overwhelmed with congratulations and the celebrating commenced.

C-3po didn't fully understand humans when it came to marriage, but had learned over time, not to question them about it. He had made that mistake once before. He thought back to that day. He had ,once again, been at the COMM station not long after the Solo's had married, when he had heard strange noises coming from their sleeping chambers. Stopping his activities trying to listen to the sounds coming from the room. He had gone to the door to try and discern what could be going on inside. He had heard Princess Leia gasping as if she were being attacked and then grunting noises that had sounded like Captain Solo when he was fighting or struggling.

He had come to the conclusion that he had to find out what was going on. So he had opened the door and stepped inside stopping short at the scene before him. Captain Solo had been on top of Princess Leia and they were both -- naked! At first he had thought Captain Solo had lost his mind and was attacking her so he began to enter the room further to come to her aid. At that moment he had heard Princess Leia moan loudly and gasp out, "Oh yes! Harder Han, harder," which made him stop short again confused and unsure how to proceed. Captain Solo had continued on, moving atop her, grunting loudly, hissing her name through gritted teeth. As C-3po looked on he had noticed an odd look on the princess' face. It was as if her eyes would pop out of her head at any moment.

C-3po had not been completely sure what they were doing, but it was apparent that the noises he had heard were not what he had initially thought. But why had they made such noises then? He thought it would be prudent to ask.

"Ahem...excuse me, Captain Sol..." was all he had been able to get out before Captain Solo turned a murderous gaze on the droid and picked up a data pad from the bedside table, whipping it at him as he had shouted, "Get out Goldenrod! Right now!" C-3po had never been a fast mover, but he had set a personal record moving out the doorway that day.As he left the room he let the door close firmly behind him.

He had stopped just outside the room and could hear laughter from beyond the door. It hadn't been too long before the noises resumed. This time the squeaks and moans he heard had been louder and more pronounced. C-3po had then turned and walked back to the COMM station to process what he had seen. He could not come up with clear answers to what had gone on so he had decided to research the subject of human nature and find out exactly what was going on between them. After much research he had realized that they were mating! From that point on, whenever he heard those sounds he stayed far away from the Solo's.

So, when R2-D2 had pulled him to the side and told him of the trip home with Master Skywalker and Miss Jade he had mentioned strange noises, C-3po had been reminded of what had happened with Captain Solo and Princess Leia and decided to tell Artoo what he had learned. He had taken him to one of the children's rooms, which were empty while they were away with Winter. Once inside he had Artoo play back the noises he had heard. C-3po instantly recognized them but listened as the recording played. He knew he should have let Artoo think what he wanted of those noises, but then thought he had better explain what they really were. As his little counterpart went on, telling him what he had thought about the trip home, he realized he could possibly make the same mistake he had made. And judging from what he knew of Mistress Jade, he would get much worse than a data pad thrown at him.

He had just looked at Artoo and waited for him to finish speaking. "Well, Artoo. I feel I must explain some things to you." He had begun in an authoritative voice. "After all, who would expect you to understand about such things." He had stopped as Artoo chirped in with a questioning warble.

"Of course it wasn't an insult. I was just pointing out that as a droid you are not privy to such activities." He had argued back. Artoo had burst out indignantly at this.

"Well, I say that because you are an astromech droid and I am a protocol droid. I am more well versed in the ways of humans than you."

"Well, you see," he had hesitated a moment. "oh my, how to explain." He searched his memory to see just how to explain this to Artoo. He decided to just go ahead and tell him quickly. "The noises you heard were not what you thought them to be. I thought I should correct your mistake so you do not make a larger one based on false assumptions."

Artoo chirped and beeped back at him indignantly. Annoyed at his reply, C- 3po stood up straighter and said, "Well this time you are mistaken. But if you want to end up blasted into oblivion, that's none of my affair." He had started walk away when Artoo called him back. He turned and for a moment he had just stood there looking at the little astromech before he came back to him. "I accept your apology." He began indignantly, "You know you can make miscalculations from time to time." Artoo had beeped at him again. "Oh alright. I will tell you what I have learned of the noises you heard." Artoo had beeped at him to go on.

C-3po had begun hesitantly. "I believe that what you heard was mating." Artoo had squealed in surprise at the larger droid.

"What do you mean what do I base this on?" C-3po had been surprised that Artoo would have had the audacity to question him about such things. "I base it on my experience, living with Captain Solo and Princess Leia."

Artoo had been still for a moment at his reproof and then had beeped for him to proceed.

"Alright then." C-3po had begun to pace as he talked. "Now, Master Luke and Mistress Mara are engaged to be married,,," He broke off as Artoo again interrupted him.

"Yes Artoo, I realize you know this much. I was just leading into what I was going to say by starting from that point." He had begun to get seriously annoyed at the little droid.

Artoo beeped at him again.

"Well, I would if you would stop interrupting me." He had waited to see if Artoo would say anything else before he continued.

"That's quite alright Artoo. Now may I continue?" He had asked.

Beeping again, Artoo settled back to listen

"Thank you. Now, because they are engaged, that means that they were probably mating. Humans seem to want to engage in this process at every opportunity."

Artoo had interrupted with another question, but this time it hadn't bothered him.

"Yes they do. It is quite normal from what my research tells me." He explained. "The fluid transfer or kiss is a beginning point for this process." He had hesitated before continuing. "Of course there are many types of kisses. There are friendly kisses, where humans touch lips together briefly. Then there are loving kisses, where they keep their lips attached together for longer periods of time. And then kisses for mating. These kisses are more passionate and they touch lips but then part them in order to put their tongues in each other's mouths."

Artoo had interrupted, squealing and hopping from tread to tread.

"I understand Artoo. There are many varieties of kisses. What you have described sounds like the latter of the descriptions I just gave you and is used quite frequently in mating." He had stopped to consider his own words then added. "Well, those with tongues that is."

Artoo had beeped quietly at him this time. "Oh I quite agree Artoo. It is rather a sloppy exercise, but they seem to enjoy it. Anyway, if you had seen some of the mating habits of humans that I have, you would not find it that bad."

"I am not sure why. I think it stimulates them. It certainly makes their body temperatures rise." He stopped and looked at Artoo a moment. "That could be the reason they removed their coverings."

Artoo had responded with a series of questioning beeps.

"Yes, I suppose that their coverings being wet may have had something to do with it as well." He replied indignantly. "I merely stated that it could be one reason, not the only one."

C-3po would have enjoyed his role as lecturer had Artoo not constantly interrupted him. It wasn't often that he knew something the little astromech droid didn't. Of course he would never come right out and admit it.

"I do believe that they were having, what is called, 'sexual intercourse'." He continued, stopping as, once again, Artoo interrupted excitedly.

"Of course I am sure that is what they were doing. You've played me the recording. All the noises they made sounded almost identical to the sounds Captain Solo and Princess Leia make while they are mating!" He stopped and thought a moment. "Of course, the noises they make are somehow more, ... animalistic."

Artoo had not been able to help interrupting again with another series of beeps and chirps.

"Well, 11 times you say? They did keep rather busy didn't they?" C-3po had thought about that. "I suppose that means that Mistress Mara has as much energy as Master Luke does."

Artoo had sighed at that point.

"Yes, it indeed looks to be an interesting union." At that moment they had heard Master Luke calling for Artoo.

"I do suggest, Artoo, that you look up human mating rituals at the COMM station under human nature. It will tell you much more than I have been able."

Artoo had beeped a final question.

"Yes, Artoo. That is where I got my information. It even has holos of the acts themselves."

A few days later Artoo had come back to let him know he had indeed scanned the computer about human nature. He had heard the same noises coming often from their chambers and told C-3po what had occurred. Apparently he had trundled over to the doorway of their quarters and peeked inside to see if he would see much the same scene he had seen in the holos at the COMM station. He had told C-3po he had indeed seen Master Luke atop Miss Jade and heard many similar noises coming from within. He had stood there in the doorway watching them for a while, recording the activity in his memory banks so he would have a better understanding of the ritual. He had stayed until Miss Jade had called out Master Luke's name in a throaty growl and clung to him as him grunted loudly. Once all had been still inside the room Artoo silently slid away assimilating his information.

C-3po turned back to the COMM station as it beeped to signal that its task was done. As he began to process the next batch of notes he was startled as the door burst in and Captain Solo entered, pinning Princess Leia to the wall, his mouth covering hers. C-3po watched as he pulled her into their sleep chambers, the door sliding shut behind them and turned back to the console in front of him as his audio sensors picked up the all too familiar noises coming from behind the closed door. "Yes, an interesting union indeed."

~Fin~