A cloaked figure steps silently into the room

A cloaked figure steps silently into the room, lightsaber hilt
gripped tightly in one hand. Slowly, she draws back her hood - it
is AJ! And she looks mighty pissed-off!!

"At last, Lord Alan! We meet again!"

The self-proclaimed master of the Dark Side spins round, a
white, fluffy bunny rabbit held tightly against his chest. "You don't
frighten me, AJ," he hisses. "You are old and your powers are
weak!"

AJ raises the lightsaber threateningly, her face going a delicate
shade of crimson. "I am not old, Sithboy, and don't you forget it!"

Grinning evilly, SithLord Alan strokes the rabbit's ears. "Wield
your puny Jedi weapon. I have the Easter bunny and I'm not
afraid to use him."

AJ takes a deep breath and lowers her saber. "You cannot defeat
me. If only you knew the power of the fanfic side of the Force..."

"Take your best shot, Jedi," growled Alan, his eyes glowing an
eerie yellow...

"You asked for it." Raising her arm, she points at Alan and his
rodent captive. "That's not the Easter bunny. It's a plot bunny. And
will you look at the size of those teeth...."

MWAHAHAHAHA!!

*In response to Aj's note. make sure you read her's first. If you haven't,
read it at the bottom*

"Alan is no more! I am Sith Lord Qurinas now!" The Sith bellowed before
looking down at the bunny Aj was staring at.

Stih Lord Qurinas' eyes widen in horror and recognition. "No...no!! That's
why people got Easter Candy! No!" The cute, fluffy white bunny stared up
innocently at Qurinas.

Qurinas's features softened as he started to stroke the bunny behind the
ears. He lowered his face to rub noses with the rabbit. "You know, he is
kinda cute," Qurinas said before he was cut off with a flash of motion. The
bunny leapt from his arms and bared his huge, sharp teeth.

The bunny leapt for his throat and latched on with his strong jaw and sharp
teeth. Aj hung the lightsbaer back on her belt as she covered her mouth
stifling a boisterous laugh. "Get it off! Get it off!" the foolish looking
Sith Lord screamed as he tried to pull the bunny from his neck.

"I told you not to mess with the fanfic side of the Force," Aj said
solemnly, watching with great amusement what Qurinas had gotten himself in
to. The Sith Lord knees buckled under him as the bunny cut off all blood
circulation to his head, with it's iron-like jaw. Qurinas collapsed making a
last waving motion with his hand at the bunny. "I
dodn't...even...make...it...to become...a...Master..." he rasped as he fell.

Aj walked up to see what she had done. As she neared the Sith Lord's prone
form, his body vanished into thin air. It left only his clothes and the
fluffy white bunny. Aj took two cautious steps back. "What have I done?" she
muttered seeing the bunny eyeing her.

The bunny began to slowly hop after her when a bright blue glow filled the
room. A form appeared next to the pile of clothes that had been worn by the
Sith. The form of a young man in his mid-twenties appeared, haloed in a soft
whitish-blue light. His features were soft and he appeared at peace. He had
forsaken the black Sith robes for a pair of blue jeans, a Nirvana T-shit and
a flannel shirt.

He motioned to the bunny with his hand. "Come here little guy." The bunny
eyed Aj once more as she held her breath. It slowly turned and hopped
towards the ghostly figure. It stopped to curl up at his feet as the ghost
reached down to pat in once softly before straightening up.

"You, you saved me," Aj said looking at the bunny.

"No Aj, it is you who has saved me," Alan spoke softly. "I got so wrapped up
in the fun of torturing people by making them wait for a wonderful story. I
had forgotten what fanfic is all about, the writing"

Aj nodded seeing the fanfic side had returned to her fallen friend. His
corruption was no more. "I will take this bunny you have created. I will see
what it is he has for me. And I will return one day...maybe not
tomorrow...maybe not next week...but sometime. Then I will bring with me a
story of great proportions...For good or for bad, you have brought another
story to the list."

"There is no good nor bad, Alan. Only fanfic," Aj said smiling. She was
amazed as the bunny glowed so bright she needed to turn away. When she
looked back at it, she saw it had changed to a deep brown with what appeared
to be a small beard under it's chin.

"Now I must go, but fear not. You shall soon join me in blue-ghosty-land.
For you are old."

-----Original Message-----
From: Angela Jade [mailto:angela@yavin4.free-online.co.uk]
Sent: Monday, April 16, 2001 6:40 PM
To: Mara_and_Luke@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [Mara_and_Luke] SithLord Alan...

A cloaked figure steps silently into the room, lightsaber hilt
gripped tightly in one hand. Slowly, she draws back her hood - it
is AJ! And she looks mighty pissed-off!!

"At last, Lord Alan! We meet again!"

The self-proclaimed master of the Dark Side spins round, a
white, fluffy bunny rabbit held tightly against his chest. "You don't
frighten me, AJ," he hisses. "You are old and your powers are
weak!"

AJ raises the lightsaber threateningly, her face going a delicate
shade of crimson. "I am not old, Sithboy, and don't you forget it!"

Grinning evilly, SithLord Alan strokes the rabbit's ears. "Wield
your puny Jedi weapon. I have the Easter bunny and I'm not
afraid to use him."

AJ takes a deep breath and lowers her saber. "You cannot defeat
me. If only you knew the power of the fanfic side of the Force..."

"Take your best shot, Jedi," growled Alan, his eyes glowing an
eerie yellow...

"You asked for it." Raising her arm, she points at Alan and his
rodent captive. "That's not the Easter bunny. It's a plot bunny. And
will you look at the size of those teeth...."

MWAHAHAHAHA!!

AJ's scream of rage can be heard clear across the Atlantic. "I AM
NOT BLOODY OLD!!!" She struggles to get her temper under
control, but it is no use. As dying echoes of the scream reach
Australia, she is consumed by the Dark Side...

"I'll show you," she mutters, "bloody blue-ghosty, I'll shove this
lightsaber where the sun don't shine..." She pauses a minute,
thinking hard. "Okay, so if you're a ghost, I can't. I'll think of some
other revenge."

"You cannot hurt me," Qurinas replies serenely. "I am one with
the Force. You cannot touch me. You cannot insult me. I am free
to wander the ether, thinking deep and meaningful thoughts..."

"AHA! I have it!" yells AJ. Turning to Qurinas' computer terminal,
she sends bolt after bolt of blue lightening pounding into the
monitor. "This'll teach you to mess with me!"

Finally, she stops and steps closer to admire her handiwork.
The monitor's casing is now completely black and gently
smoking, but still looks intact.

Qurinas smiles, shaking his head in a gentle admonition. "You
see, AJ. It survived even that."

An evil grin settles on AJ's face. "Check again."

Frowning, Qurinas floats towards the computer and turns it on.
"It's booting up fine. I'm telling you, your dastardly plan didn't
work."

"Check your bookmarks."

Slowly and methodically ('cos he's like that, you know), he scrolls
through his list of bookmarks, the frown on his face deepening.
Finally it is replaced by a look of complete and unadulterated
horror. "Gods, AJ! What have you done to me!?!"

"There are many things I could have done to hurt you,
Qurinas-formerly-known-as-Alan," she hisses. "I considered
removing your spell-check, but it is well known that you don't use
it. I could have wiped every picture you have of Leia in the gold
bikini - for I know you have many." A self-satisfied smirk crosses
her face. "But no. Too easy. Instead, as you can see, I have
locked off your internet access to the one thing you prize above
all others." She laughs triumphantly at his anguish. "Yes! The
Buffy/Willow Fanfic Archive. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"NOOOOoooooooooooo...."

"There are many things I could have done to hurt you,
Qurinas-formerly-known-as-Alan," she hisses. "I considered removing your
spell-check, but it is well known that you don't use it. I could have wiped
every picture you have of Leia in the gold bikini - for I know you have
many." A self-satisfied smirk crosses her face. "But no. Too easy. Instead,
as you can see, I have locked off your internet access to the one thing you
prize above all others." She laughs triumphantly at his anguish. "Yes! The
Buffy/Willow Fanfic Archive. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"NOOOOoooooooooooo...."

"What, in the name of the Old Republic, is going on in here?" The ghost and
new born Sith heard from an adjoining room. Darth Aj spun around. After a
brief moment, recognition caused her jaw to nearly bounce off the floor.
Before her was a blonde man, his age hidden behind soft features and farmboy
innocence. He wore a long Jedi Robe and his piercing blue eyes seemed to
stare right into Aj's heart. She knew instantly who he was. "Oh....oh
my.....oh my god....you're...you're..."

"What I am," he said, cutting her off. "Is, mildly aggravated that you are
tormenting the specter of a Jedi obviously back for some important purpose,"
Luke Skywalker said with an expression more like he was scolding a child,
than confronting a Sith. He then leaned a little closer and whispered, "And
I'm trying to have a little private time with my wife, if you don't mind?"

"I...we..." Aj stammered, turning into a proverbial pile of goo in front of
the Jedi Master.

Alan's ghostly form approached Luke. He gracefully draped his arm over his
shoulder. "Well, you see, Master Skywalker," Alan began. "I was having some
small Dark Side issues." Luke stopped and pulled away from him, giving the
evil eye. Alan quickly tried to recover, "But you see, she saved me. At the
time of my death, she saved me," Alan said motioning with his hands thinking
very hard of the scene at the end of Return of the Jedi.

Luke smiled and nodded. "Good for her," Luke said sincerely, nodding to Aj
approvingly. Aj's shoulders seemed to sag even further, a hint of drool
could be seen at the corner of her mouth. Luke just gave her a funny look
before turning back to Alan's spectral form.

"So, Luke. May I call you Luke?" Alan asked with a sickly sweet tone. Luke
nodded and Alan continued. "Sadly, immediately after Aj saved me, she fell
to the Dark Side."

Luke gasped. "That's terrible."

Alan nodded solemnly. "Yes, yes it is. She has even gone so far as to commit
an absolutely horrible act during her fall." Luke scowled as he looked over
at Aj. She made some weak motions with her hands but her mouth just hung
open unable to form words for the cute Jedi Master.

Alan shakes his head. "It is sad, really."

"What did she do? She doesn't look that viscous," Luke said. "Did she find
an Imperial super-weapon to terrorize the galaxy with?"

"Nope, far worse than that," Alan said.

"She sold out the Jedi to the Vong?" Luke guessed next.

"I wish," Alan said. "I'm afraid it is still worse."

Luke's eyes widened. He leaned in close and whispered. "She told Mara I went
to Jabba's Show Palace with Wedge and Tycho. Stang, she'd kill me! I didn't
even get one lap dance, I swear!"

Alan immediately straightened up, his shocked expression an amusing contrast
to Luke's look of dire concern. Alan tried hard not to laugh. 'I guess if
Mara was my wife, it'd be scared too," he thought. Alan set Luke's fears to
rest. "Ummm...no...worse."

Luke was exasperated. "Emperor's Black Bones! What did she do?"

Alan slowly pointed at the computer. It took a few moments for Luke to
realize what had happened. "The evil of it all..." he breathed.

"Yes, Luke I'm afraid it is true," Alan said, nodding sadly.

Luke turned to Aj. "How could you do that?"

"I...I...it's Luke Skywalker..." Aj stammered.

Luke shook his head with a chuckle. He straightened up and held his mouth
tight as he spoke. "Baby, that's like giving a guy a shot in the pills. You
just don't do it, baby," Luke said, affecting is best Austin Power's voice.
He turned to Alan smiling, obvious quite proud of his impression. "I saw
that the other night on FOX, funny movie," Luke added.

The ghost and Jedi Master both laughed heartily at the joke. Suddenly Luke
froze as a voice called from the other room. "Luke! Luke! I just had the
best idea on how to use that left over whipped cream from dessert last
night," they heard a female voice call from the next room.

Alan and Aj chuckled inwardly both thinking the same thing. 'Someone on the
list just got assaulted by a new bunny.' They turned and looked down an
adjoining corridor to see Crysta dragging a bunny that had latched onto her
pants at the ankle and was fighting vigorously to stay on, while Crysta
fought vigorously to shake it off.

They turned back to see a beautiful woman with long red hair enter the room.
She was dressed in a pair of combat pants and a tank top. 'Boy, it's a good
thing I am dead. Otherwise I'd be babbling just like Aj,' Alan thought. Alan
couldn't get the old saying out of his head. 'I'm not looking, but I'm not
dead!'

Mara walked into the room directly up to Luke. "What's going on here?"

"Well," Luke stammered. "It's like this. That woman there helped bring this
guy back to the Light Side, but for some reason immediately after she helped
him, she fell to the Dark Side," Luke informed her.

"That makes no sense," Mara said turning to Alan. "How did that happen?"

Alan was taken a back. 'Doh!' he though. "Well, you see....after I had
assumed my new form. I told her I'd see her soon."

Mara gave him the hairy eyeball. "So, you threatened her? Some Light Sider
you are."

"Not exactly," Alan began. "I told her she would join me soon....because
she's old."

Both Luke and Mara turned their heads away and grimaced. "Are you a total
moron?" Mara asked him. "Never even ask a lady how old she is, let alone
insult her about her age. You are lucky all she did was kill you."

"Well, that is not all she did," Luke said to her. "She made it so he could
no longer access the Buffy/Willow fanfic site."

"That show about the Force adept girl who calls herself a witch and they
hunt vampires?" Mara asked. Luke nodded. Mara looked at the computer. "Buffy
and Willow together, that makes no sense. Anyone in the world can tell Buffy
is straight. And besides, that is GROSS! Why would he even want to read it,
anyways?"

Luke tried to back pedal as fast as possible. "Well, not that I enjoy such
things, because I agree, dear. That is kinda gross. But, it is evil to deny
someone something they like. Luke turned to Alan with a scolding look before
turning back to Mara. "Regardless of how perverse."

Alan could not keep the shocked expression from his face. 'Whipped
sell-out," Alan thought with disgust.

"Well, I have to agree," Mara said. "It is a fact of life and we must be
open minded and understanding. What do you have to say about this?" Mara
asked turning to Aj who was still staring longingly at Luke. "Hey!" Mara
yelled. "Are you checking out my man?"

Aj tried to form words to deny it, but Mara could already discern the truth.
She whipped out her lightsaber and charged Aj. The snaphiss of the blade
coming to life filled the room. Aj brought up her hands in vain to try and
protect herself. Mara's blade struck her down.

Aj's body disappeared into thin air as the blade landed home. The love in
her heart for Luke was all that saved her from a Palpatine-like explosion in
death.

"Mara!" Luke shouted. "How could you do that!"

Mara glanced at Luke with a devilsih grin. "She was old, not like she was
going to make it much longer anyways."

Luke shrugged. "I guess you are right...so about the whipped cream..." Luke
said, taking her by the arm and leading her back towards the quarters. Luke
turned and winked at Alan before leaving the room.

Alan felt a disturbance in the Force and turned to see Aj's ghostly visage
appear. Alan shook his head, "Well, you should have known better than to
check out Mara's man like that."

Aj shook her head trying to keep up the act of a serene Jedi blue-ghosty,
but was failing.

"Well, on that note," Alan said. "Time to return to life."

"What?!" Aj said accusingly. "Oh no, you are returning to oblivion with me.
Especially after calling me old."

"I'm afraid not," Alan began. "What am I? A Rookie? I think not. I read Dark
Empire and Dark Empire II. I read the Thrawn Trilogy and Visions and
Specter. Think I wouldn't have a clone ready. Jesus, if Palpatine can come
back fifty million times, so can I."

Alan floated over to a spot on the floor before fading from view. A trap
door opened where Alan had just been standing. Now he stood again in the
flesh, dressed as he had been as a ghost, but this time with a "SHIRT" on.

"Well, I'm out. Later, Aj." Alan said turning to leave. He turned to her and
winked over his shoulder, his eyes turning a sickly yellow. The ghostly form
of Aj scowled at his back as her aura became a crimson red, like that of
blood.

[Door slams as Alan leaves]

"He calls himself 'Master', yet we know he is a mere apprentice,
a vornskr-pup who has much to learn about the true nature of the
Dark Side," mutters AJ to herself.

"We do?"

"Who the hell said that?" yells AJ, whirling around to discover the
source of the mysterious voice.

"Me." A figure in an identical robe steps forward from the
shadows and throws back her hood. (Can you see what's
coming yet?)

Blue-ghosty AJ grins happily. "Another AJ! Thank the gods for
that! Okay, clone, go get 'im!!!"

Live-AJ shakes her head. "Nope. You're the clone."

BGAJ frowns, her aura reddening noticeably. "I don't think so,
dear. I'm the original - you're the clone."

"Am not."

"You must be," BGAJ's frown deepens. "Have you been reading
'Isard's Revenge' again?"

Live-AJ looks a little sheepish. "Might have," she mutters, before
straightening to her full height (5'4"). "Anyway, that's all
immaterial. I'm a live version of you..."

"A bloody plot device, that's what you are, honey."

"What?! And Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade weren't?!?" replies
Live-AJ incredulously.

"Whatever. What's your plan?"

Live-AJ walks over to what is left of BGAJ's clothes, bends down,
and retrieves 'her' lightsaber. "My plan is to stop wasting my time
yakking to you and to go after the Wampa-brain that calls himself
Qurinas. And sometimes Alan. And then I'm going to have my
revenge."

"Oh, goody. I'll come too."

Live-AJ rolls her eyes as she strides towards the door. "Must
you? I CAN do revenge on my own."

"But I've got some pretty good ideas. He's really pissed me off
now. I'm pretty evil when I'm mad."

"Oh, alright," says AJ. "You can tag along. But you have to stay
hidden. Two of us is too confusing for words."

"Okay," says BGAJ, vanishing with a sort of backwards 'pop'.

"Now where did she go?" mutters AJ.

"I'm still here," replies a squeaky voice from the vicinity of AJ's
hood. "Can we go find drool-for-brains yet?"

The door slams against the wall as AJ yanks it open, bright
sunlight flooding the room. "I thought you'd never ask."

(Author's note - I'm sitting here with a half-read copy of
'Conquest' on my desk. This post has taken me 15 minutes. 15
minutes of valuable reading time. Alan - you are so dead.)

AJ steps out of the door onto a wide street, her lightsaber
gripped tightly in her hand. The street looks deserted, but...

"You can come out now, Qurinas. I know you're here
somewhere."

A dark shadow detaches itself from a distant building, its
distinctive Force signature betraying its identity. "I see the ancient
one returns." His voice is dry yet booms unnaturally. "No matter.
You will die again just as easily."

"I think not, Alan. For you are a clone, a mere copy instilled with
artificial memories and feelings. I am an original."

"Yeah, so says you," pipes up a squeaky voice.

"Shut up," hisses AJ, batting one hand at her hood.

"Talking to yourself?" laughs Alan/Qurinas. "First sign of
madness, you know. Or is it age?"

"Insult away, junior. Do your worst. For I will always defeat you."

"Oh, yeah? You and whose army?"

AJ raises her arms and takes a deep, cleansing breath. "You
forget, Qurinas. I command the plot bunnies..."

Suddenly the air is filled with the sound of humming - the
humming of a dozen tiny engines. Twelve black dots on the
horizon grow as they zoom down the impossibly long street,
finally transforming into a squadron of tiny X-wings. As they veer
closer, we see that each one is piloted by a small, orange-suited
rabbit.

"Behold," yells AJ, overdramatically as usual, "Rogue Squadron!"

The miniature snubfighters whizz past her, bearing down on
Qurinas, their lasers blazing...

*insert maniacal laughter - you know the drill*

Rating: I think we at R now. =^.^= (Some course language and tons
of sexual innuendo)

******************

"Behold," yells AJ, overdramatically as usual, "Rogue Squadron!"

The miniature snubfighters whiz past her, bearing down on
Qurinas, their lasers blazing...

Alan just shook his head. "Rookie, you are who stands before me," he
said in his best Yoda-speak. Little tiny lasers impacted his body,
however, they were easily absorbed ala Corran Horn. "Aj…Aj…Aj…" Alan
began. "You obviously don't understand men very well at all."

With a wave of his hand, reality seemed to morph around them. They
appeared to be on the landing pad outside Luke and Mara's Coruscant
apartment. The X-wings grew significantly in size, and now possessed
human (or, at least, humanoid) occupants. The snubfighters stopped
firing and landed around the pad. Canopies began to rise as engines
spun down.

Aj and Alan both turned towards the halfway leading inside and saw
Luke and Mara standing there. Their jaws almost hit the ground when
they saw the two were only clad in small, strategically placed dabs
of whipped cream. Crysta stumbled behind them with five bunnies
clutching desperately to her legs. Crysta fell as one leapt and
crashed into her shoulder. As she crashed to the floor, bunnies, too
many to count, jump from out of nowhere to pig-pile onto her.

They both chuckle at Crysta's plight as their eyes wander. Alan's
fell on Luke as Aj's fell on Mara. "Jesus! Put some clothes on…"
They shouted as they looked at their naked bodies, that were now
flushing with embarrassment. Alan and Aj waved their hands at them,
Luke and Mara's normal attire appeared on them. A simultaneous whine
escaped their lips as Aj and Alan turned to each other. "What the
hell did you do that for?" They both sighed in disgust turning away
again as the group of pilots began to walk up to them.

"Wait, wait!" Alan shouted as time stopped around them, the
characters of the Star Wars universe froze. A large walnut bench
with a gentle looking gray haired judge appeared. Alan cleared his
throat and straightened his robes. "Your honor," he began. "I have
summoned you here to pass judgement on a matter of gimmick
infringement."

The judge nodded. "Very well, proceed with your argument."

"Well you see, your honor." Alan said while AJ stood a few feet away
glaring at him. "You see, fanfiction needs to draw from the canon
versions of the genre one is working in. However, once a fanfic
writer steals from another the whole community gets up in arms."

Aj sighed and shook her head. "Your idea was so lame and cliched it
shouldn't count!"

"Order!" The judge shouted as he banged his gavel against the
bench. "Please continue Mister Green."

"Well, your honor. I stole the clone-thing from canon first. And
even though it is lame and contrived, I touched it first. Aj should
be forcibly removed from this story and I should be allowed to
continue my evil plans with out any further interruption."

The judge thought in silence for a moment before turning to Aj. "You
know, that was pretty lame. Now I realize you were pressed to read
Conquest, which I can understand. That should take priority and you
really needed to read it. Even so, that duplicate clone idea was
super-weak." Aj's clone was sneaking up behind Alan. The judge
struck his gavel again and Aj's clone disappeared into a pile of thin
dust that blew away in a suddenly appearing breeze.

Alan bowed proudly. "Thank you, your honor."

The judge turned back to Aj. "Your punishment is that your ghostly
form will be banished"

"Yes!" Alan exclaimed pumping his fist in the air, dancing around
like an idiot three year old.

The judge glared at him. "And you cut that crap out," he said
gesturing with his gavel. "Or I'll shove this thing up your…

"Whoa," Alan said stopping immediately. "Sorry, your honor."

The Judge nodded giving him a disapproving look. He turned back to
Aj. "I banish you," he said with the gavel striking a sound of
finality.

"Nooooooo!!!" Aj screamed as her ghost faded into oblivion.

"Not so fast," Alan heard a female voice shout from behind him. Aj's
voice.

"What the hell," Alan muttered as he turned around. Aj stood a
defiant look on her face.

Aj grinned obstinately. "That was my twin sister."

Alan groaned turning to the Judge. "I'll allow it," the Judge said
as he faded away. Alan sighed, shaking his head.

Aj grinned smugly. "Well, should we get this show on the road?" She
challenged.

"One second," Alan growled turning to walk up to Luke's frozen form.
We held his arms wide. "My god! You can tell Crysta wrote this love
scene! There is NO WAY it is THAT BIG!" He shook his head as he
heard a giggle from under the pile of quickly multiplying
bunnies. "Jeez, women…" Alan muttered. "Everyone has a `nine inch
monster'…you ladies must be virgins…otherwise you'd know better…"

Aj shook her head. "Its fantasy, dumb ass. We know you men are
drastically under equipped. But not our farm boy" she said with a
wink directed at Luke. A thumbs-up appeared from under the pile of
bunnies, but got quickly overwhelmed again. "Well, back to it," she
said resolutely as time resumed around them.

Wedge made two steps forward. "Who are you?" Wedge asked, giving
Master Qurinas the evil eye. "I'm not sure why, but I have the
overwhelming urge to kill you."

Alan shrugged, and smiled. "That's just residual. You won't when
you find out I was responsible for that," he said gesturing to an
empty spot on the landing pad where an X-wing T-65XF appeared.

*Blatant Plug* The T-65XF is featured in the harrowing X-wing
tale, Blastsword to Lightsaber. One of the best X-wing reads ever!
If you haven't read it, stop here, go read it and come back. That
way you'll know what I am talking about! *End Plug*

"That was all me, boys! I write some of your adventures!" Alan
exclaimed.

"Wow," came the collective mutterings.

"That's right, boys," Alan said looking around. "You don't want to
kill me." He did not see as many nods as he had hoped so Alan began
his next step towards convincing them. He pointed to Tycho. "You
have that fantasy about Winter dressing in Leia's slave costume from
Return of the Jedi." Tycho nodded enthusiastically before seeing the
other pilots chuckling at him.

Tycho blushed. "You can't even tell me you guy's haven't thought the
same thing."

"Damn straight!" Wes shouted. "Winter in that costume is a constant
dream of mine. Tycho glared at him, but knew it was his style.

"Janson," Alan shouted. "You will never get any NC-17 action with
out me." Wes gasped before holstering his blaster. Janson was
offended at first, then knew that Alan was probably right. Good
thing Wes didn't know what Alan did to him in Chapter 4 of The
Shrouded Path.

"Myn, my new adventure story has Gara in it…" Alan said trailing
off. Myn eyes seemed to glow at the thought.

"Alright guys, here's the plan," Alan began. "I saw, since your
chics aren't around, we head over to Jabba's Palace and enjoy the
show. I'll write us up a bantha load of money and we'll go." The
pilots cheered as Alan lead them off. Aj seethed with anger. Leave
it to a bunch of guys to act like dolts and run off at the first
chance of naked women to toss money at. Plus, Alan's whole "I am a
failed fighter pilot syndrome" lead to him being great company for
the fictional fighter pilots.

"Maybe they weren't the best choice," Aj mumbled to herself. She
stewed trying to come up with her next course of action…

Previously in the Sith Lord Alan saga:

Overzealous narrator voice:

"Alright guys, here's the plan," Alan began. "I saw, since
your chics aren't around, we head over to Jabba's Palace
and enjoy the show. I'll write us up a bantha load of
money and we'll go." The pilots cheered as Alan lead them
off. Aj seethed with anger. Leave it to a bunch of guys
to act like dolts and run off at the first chance of naked
women to toss money at. Plus, Alan's whole "I am a failed
fighter pilot syndrome" lead to him being great company for

the fictional fighter pilots.

"Maybe they weren't the best choice," Aj mumbled to
herself. She stewed trying to come up with her next course
of action...

*key intro sequence, followed by 3 annoying commercials*

As Alan and the Rogues head off to the sleazy strip joint,
they suddenly hear an indignant voice call out. It's
somewhat muffled beneath about 10 tons of fur, but the boys
hear it anyways, stop, and turn around.

Before their eyes, they see plot bunnies suddenly
scampering away as fast as their little paws can carry
them. The pilots and the dastardly Sith Wanna-be start
dancing in circles as a whole herd of bunnies almost runs
them over.

Finally, Crysta emerges from the bottom of the pileup,
smiling triumphantly and waving a now empty can of Bunny
BeGone(tm) instant plot bunny repellant.

"HA!" she crows triumphantly. "Thought you had me, did
you? Well, Que... Quar... Ker... However the heck you
pronounce your nom de plume, Alan - I suggest you think
again!"

The pilots and AJ chuckle at Crysta's pathetic attempt to
pronounce his name, and she glares at them all.

"You boys honestly think Alan told you the truth?" she
asks, eyeing the pilots in turn.

She turns to Myn. "He may have Gara in his new story, but
what he neglected to tell you is that you turned her in and
she now hates your guts."

Muffled gasps escape the crowd, and she turns to Wedge.
"He has you *shot*, in your own office!"

More gasps, and Crysta decides it's time to go for the
kill. "And the most important thing he forgot to tell you
is that in his new story, NONE of you get laid, but he has
two *chicks* getting it on!"

The pilots look around, shocked. Then one by one, they
break out in huge grins.

Crysta turns to AJ and raises her eyebrow, then shakes her
head. "You guys are ALL disgusting!"

The pilots snicker, and Alan looks indignant. "You don't
know that for sure. You've only read the first two
chapters!"

"Yeah, well, I know more than that." Crysta turns to Mara
with an evil glint in her eye, then turns back to Alan.
"Should I tell her?" she asks him, grinning evilly.

Alan's jaw drops. "You wouldn't!" he sputters in
disbelief.

"Oh, I don't know about that... I would *not*, however,
ever describe Luke's size in fanfic. He has nothing to
prove in my opinion. This is your fantasy, Alan. Think
about it - you accused me of writing that scene to draw
attention away from the fact that you used Luke as a means
to draw attention away from your own inadequacy."

A chorus of low "Oooooooooooohs" rings out from the
surrounding crowd.

Suddenly a familiar female voice rings out. "And just
*where* do you boys think you're going?" a petite woman
with short black hair says, her arms crossed across her
chest.

The pilots turn around and stare at the newcomers AJ just
conjured up, guilty expressions on their faces. The pilots
with wives and girlfriends are instantly whisked from the
scene, leaving Alan alone with a small handful of fellow
lone ducks, while AJ cackles heartily and Crysta chuckles.

Un-phased, Alan yells out, "So what?? Let them go!
They're all whipped! The rest of us can still go to
Jabba's Palace!"

"That's what you think..." AJ cackles. "I'll get you, my
pretty, and your little dog too!"

The pilots and Crysta groan, and but slowly back away...

"Haha!" yells AJ with a grin. "Thank you, Qurinas. Thank you very
much for ridding me of that ridiculous clone! She said she was
the original, but that's obviously not true. If I were a clone, I'd be
mad! And I'm not! No! Wibble!!"

Crysta is now frantically flicking through her address book for the
phone number of an appropriate psychiatrist, while Alan just
glares at his nemesis.

"Have you had too much coffee again, AJ?" he asks.

"Might have." She stares at him malevolently. "And as for that
trumped-up `gimmick infringement' charge... You've got all the
morals of a Bothan!"

A collective gasp of disbelief is heard from the surrounding
crowd. Mortified, Crysta takes a step forwards. "AJ, isn't that just
a bit too harsh?"

"He's a bloody SithLord, Crys! Think Maul, think Vader..."

"I know. But ... a Bothan?" Crysta visibly shudders. "It's too much.
You have to take it back."

AJ looks thoughtful for a moment. "No. A clone is a clone, a
bunny is a bunny and an X-wing is an X-wing. If I use one in my
fic, I can't possibly expect others not to."

The remaining pilots whisper amongst themselves, before
finally shoving Wes towards AJ. "Umm, we also think the
`Bothan' insult is too strong. I mean, it's Alan. He writes about
us..." His voice tales off under the power of AJ's stare.

"I think you pilots should seriously reconsider your association
with Mister Blatant-Plug. Now."

"Why should we?" asks Wes. "You can't hurt us."

"Oh, but I can." AJ steps closer, her voice dropping to a low
growl. "I am a member of WAAS."

"Ohmigod, no!" Hobbie falls over in a dead faint as the other
pilots start backing away from Alan.

"You're lying," hisses Wes. "WAAS was banned for `inappropriate
fanfic.'"

"Banned from rebelpilots.com, yes," replies AJ, moving closer to
Wes. "But we still exist. We still write. And our numbers are
growing." Out of the corner of her eye she notices the other pilots
gathered round Hobbie, trying to bring him round. "You'd better
go see to your boyfriend, Wes."

"You wouldn't dare," growls Wes, his fists clenched by his sides
as he glares laser-bolts.

AJ stands directly in front of him, her blue eyes boring into his.
"Try me."

For two long minutes they scowl at each other, before Wes finally
turns angrily away. As he passes Alan, he lays a sympathetic
hand on his shoulder. "Sorry, dude. You're on your own."

"Now just a minute..."

The voice came from behind her. A beautific smile spreads
across AJ's face as she slowly turns round. "Yes, Master
Skywalker. What can I do for you?" She studiously ignores Alan's
sniggering and tries not to think of the `whipped cream' outfit.
Much.

"You can stop this silly feud. He is not totally evil, AJ. I have felt
the good in him."

"Not totally evil?! He kidnapped the Easter Bunny and tried to
stop Sherry posting more of her story! How much more evil do
you want?!"

"Well, yes, there is that. But I still believe he can be redeemed..."

Shaking her head, AJ puts a hand over her eyes. "Gimme a
minute." Stepping past him, she takes a deep breath and yells
"LORI!!!"

The sound of running feet gets louder and louder until Lori finally
skids to a halt in front of AJ. She spots Luke and a huge smile
lights up her face as a tiny `ooooh!' escapes her lips.

"Lori," AJ hisses. "Did you bring the distraction?"

"Huh? What distraction?" replies Lori, not taking her eyes off the
Jedi Master.

"The distraction. The one we talked about."

"Oh, that. Sure. It's right here." Lori pulls a video marked `Black
Magic Woman' out of her pocket.

"Great. Take Luke and Mara back into their apartment and ...
umm ... educate them."

"Thank you!" says Lori happily, as she gives Luke a gentle shove
towards his wife and the open door to their home. "Come on, you
two. You'll like this."

"Hey, how come I didn't get to go with Luke," mutters Crysta.

AJ turns to see her friend absent-mindedly spray a plot bunny
that had attempted to sneak up on her. "You would have tried to
get rid of Mara and `entertain' Luke on your own."

Crysta gives AJ a skeptical look. "So would you." She nods her
head in the direction of the apartment. "I bet Lori will, too."

"Ah, but would you have shared?"

"Point taken." She shakes her can of Bunny BeGone, realizing
it's almost empty. "Oops! I'd better go get more of this stuff. Back
soon." She waves and runs off, several hopeful plot bunnies
loping after her.

AJ turns to Qurinas. "And now, Alan, it's just you and me."

"I can take you on anytime, you elderly dotard."

"Now, now, Alan. No need to insult. I've got a friend that would
like to meet you."

His eyes narrow suspiciously. "What `friend'?"

"A lady friend of mine. Dark hair. Wears a lot of white."

A slow grin creeps across his face. "Leia?" he breathes.

"Close," replies AJ, snapping her fingers.

Mon Mothma appears next to Qurinas and grabs his arm before
he can escape. "Hellooooooo," she drawls. "It's nice to meet
you, Alan. I've heard a lot about you. Would you like to come back
to my place and see my ... erm ... medal?"