A lesson re-learned. May 16, 2003. I have been quite quiet this week, listening to and reading about other people's race experiences, and not really sharing my own. This is unusual, because I am usually full of beans and enthusiasm, telling everyone who will listen (and even those who don't) "Look what I did!". It took until lunchtime today (Friday) to figure out why I was not happy with my race result. I hope you don't mind if I tell you now, as part of my "therapy". First the facts: Ottawa Scotiabank 1/2 Marathon, May 11, 2003 1:49:21, PB by 5mins,25secs. Top 25% of all finishers, top half of men finishers, and top half of finishers in my age group. I went into the Scotiabank 1/2 marathon this past weekend with just one goal, sub-1:50. I achieved that goal, but in the process lost every other reason of why I love to run. I was conscious of the passage of time, the clock at the finish line, every step of the way. I was constantly conscious of my pace, too fast?, too slow? just right? to get me to the finish line at or under the desired time. And that was all that mattered. I was barely conscious of the runners around me, the course, the volunteers, the spectators, if at all. I saw kids offering their hands for high-fives (well, low-fives), and I ignored them. There was no exulting in the moment, in the event, how (good) I felt, how my training had gotten me to this point. Only one thing mattered, the clock at the finish line, and until I reached the finish line to see what that clock was going to say to me, there was nothing else in the race. How sad and disappointing to have experienced that. I am left with such an empty feeling about my race, like there was nothing there. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I ran so well, so fast, for so long, and achieved the 'very tough' time goal that I had set for myself. But I am sad that there was no room for any other enjoyment in this race. That WILL change. I know now that I have the ability to run a fast (for me) race, that I am starting to fulfill my potential as a runner, and to achieve race times consistent with my training. But, really, I just want to be able to run a 'comfortable' pace, enjoying the moment, where I am, looking at the scenery, who is running with me, keying off other runners, giving them nick-names, and talking to them, slapping hands with spectators and kids, joking and goofing off, dancing, etc... I want to enjoy every step that I take during the race. It is not the end result of the race that truly matters to me, that gives a race all its value. I first learned this lesson upon a marathon DNF a few years ago when I tried so hard to reach a time goal, and then, when that time goal was no longer attainable, I was finished. And now it has taken this race, fortuneately with a less drastic result, for me to re-learn this lesson. It is the process, the journey that is taken during a race, and the training leading up to it, from start to finish, and the experiences along the way, that are most treasured, enjoyed, and remembered. When I do something, and time doesn't matter, every second is enjoyed. But when time does matter, I only enjoy the last second. And I don't want that. There is NO reason that an excellent finishing time, and an enjoyable race experience cannot go together. Infact, I have had it happen before. My two best marathon finishing times were like that, one run without a watch, and the other knowing the time, but not caring about the final result. And I experienced both races as I have described that I want to. One of my goals for the marathon for a few years has been to complete in under 4hrs. I now beleive I can do that, infact the pace calculators say I'm capable of nearly 3:45 now. But I will not try to do so. And I will finish my next marathon enjoying the whole experience, no matter what the time on the clock is. You all witnesses to what I proclaim now: "I resolve to run the Marine Corps Marathon this fall without wearing my watch. I will start the race with the 4-hr pace bunny. I will carry a camera so that I can take pictures of the Washington sites. I will experience and FEEL the event. I will talk with fellow runners, volunteers, and spectators, and slap their hands. I will make silly jokes. And I will dance across the finish line." I now feel much better. Thank you for letting me air my thoughts and feelings. Andrew