Can You Imagine McQueen As...

1) A Florist.

Ok, listen up! That bug is in a flower. And we should get it out. Remember it might bite you,
so watch your six. I'll get a knife, and perhaps even a hammer. I'll hold the flower with my left
hand and the hammer with my right. I'll take the hammer and hit the flower with it. If the bug
is not getting out, I'll do it again. Once the bug is out - kill it. And one more thing... it's
OK it will bite you!

2) A Photographer.

Ok, listen up! You're going to have your picture taken. First I'll set up a camera, then I'll
load a film in. A flash is going to be bright, so get ready. The camera should be focused. It's
a real knife fight. It will take time. But you'll get your picture. On Monday Morning. It might
be good and it might be bad. And remember: it is OK to wear makeup!

3) A Cop.

Ok, listen up! You're arrested. You have a right to remain silent. Or you can talk, but everything
you said might be used against you. Call your lawyer to check your six. If you don't have a lawyer
you will get one. But it won't help. And remember, it's Ok to be scared!

4) A Kindergarden Principal Addressing Teachers.

Ok, listen up. It's the first day of school, and it's gonna be a knife fight, so check your six.
You'll be using pencils, paper, and perhaps even a laptop. You're gonna have students. Some are
gonna be smart, and some are gonna be dweebs. And remember, it's Ok to be scared!

5) A Proctologist.

OK, listen up! This one's in the colon! I'm going to examine your polyps, so check your six! I am
going to utilize some latex gloves and maybe some KY Jelly. It'll help make your bung right. And in
the end, you'll be able to sit again. You can sit, and you can stand. And remember, it's Ok to be
scared! Now turn your head and cough!

Yeah, I know it's pretty sick but that's what check your six reminded me of.

6) Florist #2.

Ok, listen up. This one's in the Greenhouse, so watch your six! We are going in for some Daisies- it'll
be a real knife fight. I am going to utilize a trowel, and maybe even some fertilizer. An in the end,
we'll have flowers. And one more thing... it's Ok to sneeze!

7) An Alter Boy (or Priest).

Okay, this one's in the pulpit. There are sinners out there, so check your six. I am goin to pray at the
alter. I am going to utilize a Bible, and maybe even a New Testament. And when I am done, you'll have
salvation. It will be good, and it will be everlasting. It's going to be a real bingo night! And one more
thing... it's Ok to be Seven Day Adventist!

8) Hello Colonel McQueen. I'm your date for the evening.

We will rendezvous at 2300-Zulu SHARP at my place. You will wait. You will bring flowers. We will deploy
via your vehicle to the Chateau Anglais where we will partake in an aperitif, and possibly an appetizer.
It will be real haute-cuisine. The entree will be hot, and the vichyssoise will be cold. And when we are
done, there will be dessert and a bill. So check your wallet. We will then go to a movie. You will not try
anything. After the movie, you will drive me home. From there, we will return to home base and proceed at
our discretion.

And one more thing. [Grabs collar] You will know fear. You will know pain. and you will
call me. (Bill Capehart)

9) Santa.

OK, this one's at the North Pole. I'm going to deliver Christmas presents, so check your six. Now I'm
going to utilize a sleigh and perhaps even eight reindeer. It's going to be a real knife fight. And when
I'm done, you'll have presents. They'll be fun and they'll be nice. And one more's OK to be
jolly! (Sharon Nagy)

10) An Eight Year Old.

This ones's in my room. I'm here to mess it up, so check your six! I'm going to utilize my hands and
perhaps my feet. When I am done, you'll have messes on the floor and messes all through the house. And
one more thing... I had chocolate milk for lunch, so it's OK to be scared. (Michael Starr - age 8)

11) A Waitress.

This one's at the table. I'm here to serve you, so check your six. I'm going to utilize my pad and
perhaps even my pen. And when I'm done you'll have your food. It will be hot, and it will be good.
And one more thing... it's OK to give me a big tip. (Pam Starr)

12) A Hairdresser.

This one's in the chair. I'm going to take a little off the top, and a little off the sides. I'm going
to utilize my scissors and perhaps even some clippers. When I'm done you're going to have a haircut. It
will be short and it will be cool. And one more thing... STOP WIGGLING!! (Pam Starr)

13) An Exercise Teacher.

"OK, listen up people! This one's in the gym! We'll be BURNING YOUR FAT!!! It's going to be a real knife
fight! We are going to be utilizing a stair-climber... and maybe even an Ab-Flex! When we are done you
will no longer be flabby, lazy, fat couch potatoes! You will thank me for this just two short months from
now when your tummy is firm and your butt no longer takes up half the Saratoga! And one more thing...
It's OK to be scared. (Charles Vandrei)

14) A Librarian.

OK people, listen up. There are a lot of books, and they are heavy. We need to shelve these books. You may
utilize a book cart and maybe another book cart. If you don't know where the book goes, look on the spine
If there is nothing on the spine, look in the book. If there's nothing in the book, then don't shelve it.
And remember, there are a lot of library patrons out there, so watch your six. Watch each others' sixes.
Library work's a bitch, but it's OK to get angry. (Donovan Stites)

15) A Basketball Coach.

OK, listen up! The object of this game is to get a leather spheroid into an iron hoop. You'll have 60 mikes
to do it. Hit them hard and hit them fast. Penetrate the Chig perimeter defense, while our boys wait downtown
for the long shot. You will utilize a pair of Air Jordan sneakers and perhaps a pair of elbow pads. It will
be a real elbow fight down low, so watch your six! Watch each others' sixes. Synchronize your shot clocks for
24 seconds. Remember, it's OK to enter the half down. (Donovan Stites)

16) Sex-Ed Teacher

Ok, listen up! This is Sex Ed 101. We will be covering the basics in the first half. Then we will get into
nitty gritty details with books, slides, techniques, and tools. It's going to be a real knife fight! Later
we will have a hands on exercise. So cover your six! We don't want any mistakes, not to mention misplaced
materials. Get your kits and's ok to be scared. This *IS* Sex Ed 101!

17) Internet Technical Supporter.

Ok, listen up! This one is in the tech support room. We are going to utilize a computer and a phone. We are
going to go over the settings and check the password. When it is done you'll have Internet access. And remember:
no one knows everything about the 'Net, so it is Okay to be scared. (Kevin Goddard)

18) Surfer.

Ok dudes, listen up! We are going to utilize a surf board and some wax. The waves are crashing hard, so watch
your six. The water will be cold, and salty so keep your mouths shut! The tide is coming in and the waves are
swelling, it is going to be a real knife fight. When we are done, we will be wet and soar. And remember: it's
okay to hang ten. (Kevin Goddard)

19) Working with Windows 95.

Ok, listen up. This one is on a Pentium Pro. We have to run Windows 95, it is going to be a real knife fight. I am
going to utilize a bigger hard drive, and a lot more ram. When it is done we will have a partial 32-bit operating system.
And remember: with all the money we have to spend on upgrades, it's okay to be scared. (Kevin Goddard)

20) A Dentist.

OK, listen up! This one's in your mouth. I'm here to fix your cavities, so brush your teeth! You had better
not bite. Now, I'm gonna utilize a drill, a mirror, and perhaps even a needle. When I'm done, you will rinse,
then you will spit. Do not spit on yourself. If you see smoke, it's OK to be scared. (David French)

21) A Computer Programmer.

OK, listen up! This one's in your C shell! I'm here to hack your kernel, so fetch me a Mountain Dew! It'll be
a real knife fight. Now, I'm gonna utilize a compiler, a linker, and perhaps even a debugger. When I'm done,
you'll reboot. It will not work the first five tries. And one more thing: if you spill my Mountain Dew, it's
OK to be scared. (David French)

22) A Manicurist.

OK, listen up! This one's on your fingers! I'm here to fix your nails, so check your five! I'm gonna utilize
an emory board, a clipper, and perhaps even a hacksaw. It'll be a real knife fight. When I'm done, your nails
will be painted. Do not fidget. If I slip, it's OK to be scared. (David French)

23) An Opera Singer.

McQueen: O come Listen to me!
Chorus: It is McQueen! It is McQueen!
MQ: I have come for to sing!
Ch: For to sing!
MQ: For to sing! I have come for to sing unto thee! I grasp my knife!
Ch: There'll be a fight! What a fight , a knife fight!
MQ: Now, check your six, and listen unto me! I will lift my voice, and sing unto thee.
--- I shall use my words to fill thy hearts with glee. And when I am done, thy lips
--- will smiling be!
Ch: For McQueen has come to sing unto thee!
MQ: To be scared, it's OK, for I sing a lot this way. When I'm done you'll rejoice,
--- to no longer hear my voice.
Ch: For McQueen has come to sing unto thee!
** All Bow ***

(David French)

24. A Dance Instructor.

OK, listen up! This one's in the ballroom. I'm here to teach you dancing, so check your six. It'll
be a real night life. Now, I'm gonna utilize some music, a partner, and perhaps even a box-step. And when
I'm done, you'll be dancers. You will be fleet and you will be good. And one more thing: If you step on
my toes, it's OK to be scared. (David French)

25. Darth Vader.

*wheeze* Listen up! *wheeze* I have come to destroy the Rebels *wheeze* so check your six. *wheeze* I
shall utilize a TIE squadron, a star destroyer, and perhaps even The Force. *wheeze* When I am done
*wheeze*, the Rebel Alliance will be obliterated. *wheeze* And one more thing: If you underestimate
the Dark Side, it's OK to be scared *wheeze*. (David French)

26. A Football Coach.

OK. This is a screen pass. We're going to use a ball, pads, and maybe a few line men. They might blitz
so watch your six! And remember, it's OK to throw the ball away. (David Traub)

27. A Sports Announcer.

OK, listen up! It's golf today, and it's gonna get rough. Get your pocket protectors strack, you grips
hump the DXC-300 video cameras, the color guy will be interesting and funny- and one more thing, if
ya gotta sneeze, stick yyour head in the golf bag. (Alan Rowland)

28. Making a Commercial.

OK, listen up! This one is on the sound stage. The lights will be bright abd hot, the director will
be annoying, it'll be a real knife fight. Millions of people will be watching, so watch your six, they
will. We will utilize a camera and computer effects, and when it is done we will have a 30 second
commercial. It will be exciting and it will be professional, and remember, it's OK to do a retake!
(kevin Goddard)

29. Commander of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek.

OK, listen up! This one is a continuing mission. We will go where no Tellus Colonist has gone before,
it'll be a real knife fight. We will utilize a very big ship, an andriod, and perhaps even a shuttle
craft. When we are done we will have explored strange new worlds, sought out new life and civilizations
and boldly gone where no man has gone before, so watch your six! And remember, it's OK to live long and
prosper! (Kevin Goddard)

30. A Taco Bell employee.

OK, listen up! THis one's from the drive-through. I'm here to assemble this order, so ckeck your fixings!
I'm gonna make some burritos, and I'm gonna make a taco. It'll be a real knife fight. Now, I'm gonna utilize
some lettuce, some beef, and perhaps even The Gun. And when I'm done, you'll have fast food. It'll be cheap
and it'll be warm. And one more thing... after 6 bean burritos, it's OK to be sacred! (David French)

31. A Pseudo-Intellectual Artiste.

Now, listen to me! This one's in my studio! I am here to draw forth from my being and fumigate upon this canvas,
so check my palette! I shall endeavor to torture my soul in hope that the anguish can wring from my heart my true
vision! It shall be a true knife... FIGHT! *McQueen breaks one of his brushed in twain...* Now... *quietly* Ahh, she
is speaking to me... *normally* The canvas desires a cerulean hue, and perhaps even the bronzed caviar of silken
yellow from my brush! And when I have drawn my soul back from the eternal brink, you shall see ART! It shall be
CRIPPLING! It shall speak to you in TONGUES! And one more thing... if you touch this Piece de Resistance before it
dries, IT IS OK TO BE SCARED!! *McQueen hurls his beret upon the floor and stomps off...* (David French)

32. A Politician.

OK, listen up people! This one's in the senate, and it looks like it's going to be a real knife fight! For this
mission I am going to utilize a Clinton, the IRS, the NRA, and perhaps even a couple of bribes. In the end, I'll
have passed a budget! There will be senators in the room, so watch your six! Remember, it's OK to be corrupt.
(Ryan Mills)

33. A Space-l member.

This one's on the computer! I'm here to give you your daily dose of SAAB, so watch your six! It's gonna be a virtual
knife fight. Now, I'm going to utilize the list, and perhaps even IRC. And when I'm done, you'll have more messages in
your mailbox than you can read in a year. They'll be hot, and they'll be cold! And one more thing... it's OK to
be afraid of Sparky! (Wildcard)

34. Mr. Data.

Listen to me, please. There is currently a situation on board the Enterprise. I am here to resolve this conflict, so
investigate your posterior region. I shall attempt to override the safety controls, and to access the ship's computer.
It shall be a veritable battle wherein the combatants make use of diminutive, sharpened blades. Now, I shall utilize a
posiyronic matrix, a level 3 tachyon field, and perhaps even Lieutenant Worf. When I have resolved these circumstances,
daily functioning on board the Enterprise should return to acceptable levels. In addition to my earlier posits, I might
add that an increae in one's adrenaline level, in response to an external threat, such threat being either preceived or
imagined, is a well-documented human reaction, and should have no adverse effects. (David French)

35. A Bus Driver.

OK, listen up! This one's in the city! I'm here to collect your fare, so count your change! I'm gonna stop at bus stops,
and I'm gonna be rude. It'll be a real night fight. Now, I'm gonna utilize the accelerator, the door-handle, and perhaps
even a turn signal. And when I'm done, you'll be at your stop. You'll get off my bus, and I'll be happy. And one more
thing...if you step over that yellow line while the bus is in motion, it's OK to be scared! (David French)

36. Yoda.

Aughh! Listen to me you will! In the swamp this one is! To train you as a Jedi, I will. Hmm! Check. Your. Six. Aughh!
Come along. The Forse will I use, and a powerful ally is it! With it I shall move the rock, the driod. Aughh! Even your
ship will I move! When done am I, a Jedi you will be. Hmm? You will have the Force as your ally, and use it you shall!
Aughh! Scared, are you not? You will be... (David French)

37. A Wedding Coordinator.

This one's in the chapel. I'm here ti decorate the pews, so wear your crucifix. I'm here to put up flowers and bows,
it's gonna be a real long night. Now I'm gonna accessorize with lace, and perhaps even a candle. And when I'm done
you'll be married. It'll be hot and it'll be cold. And one more thing... you forgot to do your hair. (Michael Autrey)

38. A College Prof during finals week.

Ok, listen up! THis one's in the pit. You will utilize a number two pencil and a scantron sheet. Remember, the enemy
likes to cheat, so watch your six. You have sixty minutes to achieve your objective, so get in, do the job, and get
out. And remember... it's OK to be scared. (Jennifer Eisenbart)

39. A Choir Director.

OK, listen up! This one's in the sanctuary! We are going to sing this one without the music, so it's going to be a
real knife fight out there. We will utilize the organist, and a prerecorded track. But if the tape breaks, we will
have to sing this one A Capella. So watch your six. You may not be able to sing on key, but remember... It's OK to
be scared! (Christopher Chretien)

40. A Cook.

OK people, listen up! This one's in the kitchen. I'm here to make a cheeseburger. I'll utilize a stove, a pan, some
cheese, and hamburger, perhaps even a spatula. The bread's stale, so it's going to be a real knife fight. But, when
I am finished, you will have a cheeseburger. It will be hot and it will be delicious, and remember, if it's really
goodit's OK to scarff. (Ty Shadow Wolf)

41. A Father About to Spank His Son.

OK, listen up! This one is right across the buttocks! You will have been a naughty boy, and therefore must receive
punishment. I will utilize my hand, and maybe even my belt, so watch your six. I will take you over my knee, and
when I am finished you will have been spanked. Also remember one thing. It's OK if you cannot sit down for a week.
(Christopher Chretien)

42. The Godfather.

OK people, listen up! This one's in the old neighborhood. The Chigs are muscling into our territory. We're gonna
make'em an offer they can't refuse. We'll utilize treachery, back-alley ambushes, payoffs, maybe even a horse's
head in their beds. It's gonna be a real street fight, so check your sixes. and remember, if they refuse, it's OK
to make'em scared! (Jersey Devil)

43. Jenny Craig.

Ok people, listen up! This one's on the scales. We're here because some of you aren't fitting into your cockpits
anymore! I'll utilize a well-balanced diet, exercise, and maybe even liposuction. It'll be a real food fight, so
check my six, I think I gained some weight. And when it's over you'll be thin, lean and mean. And remember, if I
catch you with a chocolate bar, it's OK to be scared! (Jersey Devil)

44. A Clown

Ok, listen up, this one's in the circus. The objective is to make the audience laugh out loud. We're coming in right after the knife-act, so don't get in any knife-fight there. The elephants are right after us, so check your six. Now we're gona use a wig here, and also a red nose, perhaps even baggy trousers... And one more thing : it's O.K. to be funny ! (Maarten Schenk)

45. The Orkin Man (An Exterminator)

OK, listen up! This one's in the attic. We're here to exterminate a nest of chiggers (chigs-the bug kind). We will penetrate the dwelling utilizing our Orkin Van and a doorbell. We will then deploy across the upper floor and utilize Diazinon and other bug sprays. This one's going to be a real pesticide fight. Now those chigs are tricky, so keep your bug spray handy and watch your six. And remember, It's OK to be scared.....(Ben Bjostad)

*** Copyright 1995 ***

Created by: Christine M. Chase (
Version of: August 17, 1996

The following was added after I took over the page:

46. An Internet Trainer

Scene:Briefing Room
Full of middle aged people sitting in front of desks on which can be seen keyboards, monitors etc. They all look extremely uneasy.
McQueen walks in and overturns his HDD tower.
McQ: "OK people, listen up. This one's on the Net.
*Penetrating look and small frown*
You're going in hot(mail) and you're going in fast.
The mission is to locate, retrieve and decode your e-mail.
You'll be utilizing a PC, a modem and the communications program of your choice.
*McQueen scans his squad*
Now, this is unknown territory to a lot of you, so watch your six, your buddie's six, and keep that mouse handy - you're gonna need it.
*He turns to leave the room. Stops and looks back*
And remember - it's OK to be scared." (Muriel 'Mogs' Moore)