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December 29, 2001...12:27am
Well. I just read all of Jims updates, and the only way I could possibly top that is to write a whole novel about the last three days, which would be a little less exciting than his, since I only went to Avon, and didn't meet anyone new. But I suppose I could at least try to do a little better from now on. (: Anyway. Ugh. My dad got a CD burner for Christmas, which is cool, because now I can finally make my own cd's, but when my brother installed it he forgot to hook the audio back up. So I can't listen to my Ani mix right now. Anyway. I had a nice four days off from everything while I was at my grandpa and grandma's. It was great...just wandering from one room to another, one group of people to another...one table of food to another. Of course I picked up with work right away when we got home. We got into town at 5:45 last night and I had to be to work at 6. I am very grateful that I like my jobs so much. Of course I was pretty perturbed when Angie, the girl I was working wiht told me that they didn't have our paychecks on Christmas Eve like they promised. This meant I was screwed, because AJ was going to pick up my check on Monday and deposite it for me right away. Luckily, she took care of it for me on Wednesday, when they finally did pay us. (Golly, I couldn't ask for a better friend!) But when you tell your employees when they are going to get payed, you really should pay them that day, unless you want to make a bunch of people really mad. Then I worked at 9:00 this morning at the Eye Clinic. This blizzard blew through town for about 2 hours. It was the most bizzare thing. A total white out, and then it cleared right out and the sun was shining and the wind was gone. I was thinking while I was working today that whatever career I end up having, it has to be with people. I would just go mad all day with out any one to talk to. Or listen to, rather. When I am around other people I don't necessarily talk much...but if I am alone for long, I end up talking to myself. Like today, I worked on the computer in the back office for like 2 hours all by myself, and then I had to file about 200 charts down in the basement of the office, which is like a dungeon. It's all dark, and the furnace is loud. Kinda creepy. But by the time I finally got to all the things I had to do in the front office, I was making up stories in my head, and humming and stuff. But it was just hilarious upstairs. They had 40 patients to see today...so there were old people everywhere, and then they had Jim, the optical guy who is about 75 helping me copying charts...and he is so funny. He really hates pulling charts, because the alphabetizing gets him all confused...so he makes me do it. And then he was getting something ready to mail, and he addressed the envelope and showed it to me. He was laughing and was like "isn't that funny" like some kind of really good joke. I didn't get it. He's like "look the street address is 2001. Like this year. But this year is almost over! Isn't that great?" and he just walked away, still laughing. I still don't get it. Oh well. I got a pretty good chuckle out of him at least. Isn't Bob Dylan great? What a voice. If he can make it, anybody can, right? Well, I tried to register for classes last night, but the web site was down, so I think I will go try again now. And then I am going to go to Urbana.org. I am trying to find a missions agency to match up with. I want to go away this summer. I am thinking alot about medical missions, which I don't know how much I could do, since I don't have a degree, or anything like that. But it sounds really great to me. I spend forever on the internet last night looking at colleges. I don't know what I am going to do next year. Of course I can just wait on God, but I don't have alot of patience. That is something I really need to work on. Trust. I finally returned my library books today. I had a $55 fine! Can you believe that! I could have bought all those books for less than that. But all I had was $40 cash, and the lady said that would clear it. People like that restore my faith in the holiday spirit. Ahhh! This little pop up banner is an add for "Rippleys Believe It or Not" and this guy has close pins all over his head. In his nose and everything. Wow. What a freak. Haha. You know what I was thinking? I really wish we had like a little place with good live music every night. The guy at 6th St. Deli told me that when they open on 7th St, they will have live music every night, and that will be awesome. I will go all the time. But it has been a while since they closed, and I don't know when they will finally be up and running again. It is really depressing to drive past the empty place on 6th St....there's just nothing in there. I want to buy it. I could do somehting cool with it. I don't know. Well, it is definately time to quite writing now, and try webadvisor again. How is this for catching up Jim? (:
December 27, 2001...10:57pm
So Christmas has come and gone, and I have that depressing sort of feeling I always get after Christmas is over. I resolve to not be as busy in December next year, so that I actually have time to do all the Christmas things. But is was a very nice Christmas. My Grandpa is doing so much better. It was really encouraging to see him. We had 32 people at my Grandparents for Christmas dinner. And other wise, mostly we just sat around and ate. Alot. It was nice to see everybody. I love relatives. Haha. They are so wierd! I mean that in a good way of course. Everybody has wierd relatives. Now I am finally trying to register for classes for this semester. I am so mad they aren't offering Japanese. It's on the course list. Non of my other cultural diversity options sound very appealing at all. Development of Western Thought? What kind of a class is that! Hmmm. Well. I'm going to work on that now. I hope you all had a great Christmas. If you feel so inclined, you could e-mail me and tell me how it was. Thanks. Happy New Year!
December 22, 2001...11:45pm
Well, we had Christmas with my family tonight...my grandparents here in town that is. We leave Christmas Eve to go visit my other grandparents. I am looking forward to that, because most of my relatives will all be there this year, and that is always fun. I am so bad at buying gifts. I never know what to get people. I am so sleepy, as usual. Steph came over at about 1 AM this morning, and we were basically just bored...so we went to Perkins, and then we didn't feel like going home...so we drove out to Falling Rock and looked at the stars. But it was freezing. So we only stayed about 30 seconds, and then we came back. At which point I realized I didn't have my keys, and Jared had locked the front door when he came in. It was 3:30 by now...but I had to call Jareds cell phone and wake him up and have him come unlock the door for me. You gotta love a brother who will save your butt. Anyway, I had to work at 8:00 then this morning. I think that I might visit Rimrock church tomorrow, after the service at mine...just for a change of pace. Hmm...I am going to go to bed. Isn't it dumb that I end almost every entry by saying that? Oh well. I feel sort of like I am reverting to something when I admit that I am going to bed. Oh well. Night.
December 21, 2001...1:02am
It is okay to hate things. But the problem lies in that we tend to hate the things we don't understand...and in that we are advertising our own ignorance. My new goal is to look at all the things I hate, like, say, math, for instance, (of course I am talking about larger issues than that also) and strive to understand them...and then later make an educated decision as to why (or at that point, IF) I even hate the particular thing. My head is feeling much better. I feel significantly more present than I did 24 hours ago. People are home for Christmas. Friends, acquaintances, people whose names I can't remember. I want to talk to somebody. It seems forever since I sat down and had a really serious good discussion. I am remembering one night about a year ago when a bunch of us just got going on all kinds of different issues...one of those discussions where you get excited because you keep thinking of good points to make. I think in order to have that kind of discussion, you have to find people that disagree with you. That shouldn't be hard for a person with the same beliefs as me...but you also have to find someone who is willing to talk logically with you...and be more interested in making you think than making you change your mind. I haven't found one of these people in a while. Or maybe I have found them, and just haven't bothered to start an interesting conversations. Oh man...this headache is coming back again. I want to write. It's hard to write with a headache. Goodnight
December 19, 2001...8:57pm
Man, I am just beat. By Monday I will have worked 56 hours this week. I don't know when I am going to shop. I got a really bad migraine while I was working today. I couldn't even read the computer screen, so I decided to pull charts instead. I didn't want to come home, so I called my mom and had her call the neurologist and then I went and picked up some meds. After I took them, I read the list of side effects, and the first one is diziness, which sucks, because the dizzy drugs he gave me for this other crap weren't working anyway. So I'm a real mess now. My hands are shaking. I hate drugs. I really do. Anyway. I added a profile to my home page. Check it out. It made the picture like halfway down the page and I don't know how to fix that. The new skating rink opens tonight. I can't wait to go. It's cheap too, which is great. Anything cheap is cool. I learned for the first time this year that relationships are not indestructible. I know you probably think I'm about the dumbest person ever, but I actually guess I believed that until just recently. I had never had a frienship or anything that just disintegrated before. Of course you have the friendships that just sort of fade, but that's part of life, you know...people move, or whatever, and one day you realized that you haven't seen that person in 6 months. And like Kimberly and I, well, that still makes me sad to think about that, but that was kind of inevitable too. But what I'm really talking about is when you realize you are losing a relationship,or more specifically ruining it, and that you can do something to salvage it, and not doing something makes you a pretty selfish person. I also realized that just sitting on my butt and wishing there was a friendship where one doesn't already exsist, makes me a loser. A good person gets up and takes the intiative to form an aquaintance, if nothing else. Yeah. That's pretty deep, eh? Man. I wonder if I can take more of that stuff? It's been 4 hours.
December 19, 2001...12:06am
I had the wierdest feeling today. Like this gut, nervous, aweful feeling. Like something was going to happen, or something was wrong, or...I don't know. That's never happened to me before. It was terrible. But as far as I know, nothing out of the ordinary happened at all today, so maybe I'm just crazy. Well, I work at 9 again tomorrow. I'm really dying to write, and I just don't have anytime at all. I will bring my journal in the car with me tomorrow and write at the stop lights. How about that?
December 14, 2001...4:17am
Well, It's 4:17 AM and I am wide awake. This is good, since I am still not done studying for my sociology final. It is, however, wierd, since I didn't even go to bed Tuesday night. And though I feel perfectly rested at the moment, I am sure it is going to catch up with me tomorrow during my exams, or maybe when I am just driving to school. That always sucks. It's like having narcalepsy (sorry, the closest dictionary is my bedroom, which is 14 steps away) where you are just driving to school, and all of the sudden you realize that you are so sleepy you think you need to pull over in the nearest parking lot and take a nap. Doesn't that ever happen to you? What the heck am I talking about? Man, I don't contribute anything to the page for a long time, and then when I do, it's a bunch of nothing about sleep deprivation ...my sincerest apologies. Well, I am going to go take out my contacts, and force my self to go to bed. Night. Morning.
December 14, 2001...12:54am
Man, I hope you all didn't miss the Geminoid meteor shower tonight...it was awesome...we went out by 1st Assembly church and you could see them really good out there...there are so many! Anyway. If you have aol, you should check out aol radio. They have all kinds of different stations, and it is a good way to find out about new artists and stuff. Well, I already wrote a ton early tonight, and I still have a bunch of studying to do for my tests tomorrow, so I will go now. If I think of something important to say, I will come back and write more.
December 13, 2001...7:41pm
My computer was temporarily completely out of order. But I'm back now. I have been pretty busy lately anyway, what with both jobs (I'm taking a hiatus from the telemarketing scene...whoohoo!)so now I am just stuffing teddy bears and copying medical charts. The Christmas program is coming along well. I've been hassling today with purchasing 50 electric candles on church credit. My art history project was due yesterday. I built a gothic cathedral out of foam board. I didn't start until Tuesday at about noon, and I didn't go to bed at all Tuesday night. After I came home from work at 9:30pm I just sat down and didn't stop working on it until I left for class at 10:30 the next morning. But it was awesome. I am sure I got a good grade. My friend Jaron said it could have gotten a good grade as a senior design project, so that was cool. I had an MRI today. I am sure that the results will be fine, which in one sort of screwed up way will be slightly discouraging, because once again, they still won't know what's wrong with me. But as long as it's not killing me, I guess I can deal with it. Only 12 days until Christmas. I don't have gifts for a single person yet. I was going to make stuff for everybody this year, to save money. And they would be cool gifts too...not dumb ones. But I don't know which is harder to come by right now...money or time. College sucks. You know why? Because you just start getting to know people and start having a real appreciation for them, and then they graduate. It's sort of like those high school graduation goodbye things, only you have to do it every 4 months. And when people graduate from college, you just sort of have to assume that you will never ever see them again. I am afraid to graduate from college. It means you actually have to be responsible. Maybe I will just go to school forever. And use that as my excuse. I will just pick a degree, like medicine, so that I will have like another 16 years of school. I don't know why I am worrying about all this yet. It will be at least another 3 years before I graduate. Maybe I should start with picking a school for next year...or maybe before that, I should register for spring semester. Ooh. My head just started spinning again. Well, I am going to go do some of those annoying chore things that we all hate, but we all have to do, like cleaning the bathroom...and then I am going to go watch movies at a friends appartment with some people. Bye.
December 4, 2001...5:29pm
I keep typing and deleting and typing and deleting,indecisive on just how vulnerable I feel like making myself tonight. What should I tell you, and does it really matter how much you know about me? Maybe, maybe not. I am dizzy, and finding it hard to even put a complete sentence together. I think I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday. I bought a Phish cd the other day. Actually, I exchanged a different CD for it. Jared asked me what Cd I wanted for my birthday, and I told him Phish. But he hates Phish, so he bought me Five for Fighting instead. He is trying to condition me to be like him. But I exchanged it. I felt bad. Should I feel bad? Anyway, it is a great CD: Pictues of Nectar. Some awesome instrumentals. Did I also mention that I finally got Bongo drums? Yes, I was quite thrilled. Now, if only I could play them. Oh, Jim, so when do I get to hear about...whatever it is you're going to tell me about? And choir was at the cathedral. I must be losing my mind. Well, I am going to go sleep for a little bit, because I will have to be up forever tonight. My family is decorating our Christmas tree tonight, and then I have yet another research paper to write, that I put off until the last minute again. I'm afraid I currently suffer from a complete lack of inspiration. Maybe if I had more time to read, I would have more stuff to write.
December 2, 2001...11:41pm
Well, I don't think that I have been this busy since right before graduation. It's insane. I had two choir concerts today, one at 4:00, and then as soon as we got off stage, we got on a bus and headed for Lead, and we got back about an hour ago. So I'm exhausted, and I'm kinda sick (these psycho migrain things won't go away...they aren't like regular migraines...I don't know what's up) so I'm going to go to bed now. I'm sorry. I actually do have interesting things to right about now. If only I had a couple more hours a day.
~*Marci*~
November 28, 2001...11:35pm
Oh, blasted cold! I love how we all complain as if we are the only people so miserable when we go outside. So I try not to whine too much. I just whine about the driving. I would rather eat a whole bag of black licorice than drive in this stuff. Well, nothing fabulously exciting going on in my life, as usual. I decided it was time to make some new friends, since alot of my old ones moved away. And I hadn't really bothered to, or had alot of time to. Not that I have alot of time now, but I was getting a little lonely, and finding it harder and harder to "fit in" with my friends who are in high school. Oh ,my dad is telling me to go to bed since I've been fighting this wierd, not normal migrianish thing all day. So I might just do that. Night.
~*Marci*~
November 28, 2001...12:09am
Well, in an effort to write more often than Jim, here is a short little entry. Sorry the last one was so lame. Sorry this one is so lame. Tonight was my one night before Christmas to stay home and chill after about 6:00. So of course I got nothing done. Which makes me feel worse than before I was going to be able to stay home. But I need to go to bed now, so that I can get up about 4am to do all the things I should have done tonight. Yep, this was definately lame. I can't get inspired right now, because I keep feeling guilty for still being on the computer. So I'm just going to go now, and maybe next time I will have somethiing good to say.
"Because if Santa Clause and the...Holiday...Armadillo...are in the same room for too long, the entire universe will implode! Merry Christmas" ~Chandler on Friends, a show which I have watched about 6 times since it came on the air, but decided I really enjoyed last weekend.
~*Marci*~
November 25, 2001...2:54pm
Oh, thank goodness for long weekends! I had a really nice thanksgiving at my grandparents. Nothing too exciting, just the same way it is every year, but I like it that way. I got to see Adrienne, and a couple other people that were home from school. It was nice. But now I have to get myself motivated for one more month of school, and then it will be a nice change with semester break and new classes and everything. Speaking of which, I need to register really soon. I still haven't done that. I can't decided how many credits to take. I was thinking about taking 18, to sort of step up the pace and work on getting my generals out of the way. Not that I know what I'm getting them out of the way OF. But then Corey asked if I want to be a young life leader, which sounds like a really awesome opportunity. And I want to still have time for helping with the youth group at my church, and my job obviously. And there is no way I could do all of that at once. So maybe I won't take more credits than I am this semester. I am going to take geology instead of chemistry or biology, so that sounds kind of exciting. Well, now I have to go study for my soc. test.
November 17, 2001...12:50pm
Alas! I finally find myself in the depths of crushdom once again. Of course I am the "crusher" and not the "crushee". I know his name. And I know a couple other semi-relevant details that I have obtained by simply paying attention. We have had one conversation, back about the second week of school, and since then we just smile cordially in class and when we pass each other on campus. But I am afraid to talk to him, so this is probably where the story ends. My computer programming friend volunteered to hack into the school system and find his address and class schedule and such, but I felt that possessing even one more piece of unsolicited information would classify me as a freak. Plus, that's illegal. My other friend suggested I pass him a note reading "Wanna make out?" I mulled that one over a little bit, and then...so anyway. I just giggle to my friends about him, and...well, that's really all I do. Sad, huh? Some day my prince will come. Care to join me in my self pity? E-mail me at starfaery1@aol.com
"As with most girls, the object of the infatuation is not half as important as the infatuation itself." ~ Zadie Smith, "White Teeth"
November 15, 2001...8:30am
Well, I pretty much kicked myself in the face with my Art History test. Unless my teacher has great mercy on me, I will get a zero. You can imagine what this will do to my grade, considering we only take four tests for the whole semester. The whole situation was screwed up, but all in all, I think it adds up to pretty much just being my fault. I'm not sure what to do about this situation. I'll have to beg for extra-credit or something. Hmmm. Well, I no longer have to worry about being bored. On top of trying to keep my grades up for this last stretch of classes before Christmas, I am now working 3 jobs, directing the childrens Christmas program at my church, planning an awards banquet for the youth group, and I was supposed to be substitute props head for the play at school, except I found out about that last week, and I think the show is tonight, and I haven't done a thing, due to lack of communication (probably also my fault). So now I have to go work from 9-4, master choral from 4-6, intervarsity from 7-whenever. And somewhere in there I have to get over to the allergy clinic for my shots. Bye.
~*Marci*~
November 13, 2001...2:02pm
ASKING TOO MUCH by ANI DIFRANCO
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul some of the time
I want somebody who will (edit by Marci) put me out of my misery
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me go
you know, I never heard it put that way
Make me go what did you just say!?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
Hold it and never let it fall
Somebody who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist
or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words to all the spaces between notes
don't ask me to put words to all the silences I wrote
In fact, if you have to ask forget it
Do and you'll regret it
I am tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of having fun for two
Just lay yourself on the line
(edited again)
But don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny
Give me a run for my money
Want somebody who can twist me up in knots
Tell me. For the woman who has everything, what have you got?
I want someobdy who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
In other words, I want someone who is not afraid of themselves
Do you think I'm asking too much?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
November 9, 2001...1:35am
The funeral is on Saturday. I have not cried at all yet. I don't understand. If someone cried and cries and cries in such a situation people say "oh, he/she's not doing so well." However, if you don't cry, people don't say "he/she's doing well" they look at you with disdain as if to say "don't you give a damn?" So is it not not okay to be doing "well" when someone you love so much dies? Am I doing well? What is "well"? I don't feel well. I am very blessed. I've never had anyone die before. Not anyone I was very close to. Not anyone I will miss half as much as her. And now I don't know how I am supposed to be reacting. I just know that I can't hug my mom when she is crying and "not doing so well". I can't be polite and compassionate and everything that I'm supposed to be being right now. I just want to be reclusive and selfish and not care that everyone else is hurting too. I want to pretend that this loss is only my own, and that nobody else understands. Maybe that is the worst part...knowing that they do understand. The hardest battles can be those you are not allowed to fight on your own.
~*Marci*~ November 4, 2001...9:09pm
I think my computer is dying. The hard drive has being going constantly since last night. And it took me half an hour to get online. I went to the New Song Project concert tonight. It was really really good. If you are reading this tonight, go look at the moon. It's very pretty. Well, I'm going to go listen to the CD I just bought, and I know for sure my computer won't be able to play it while I am doing anything else on here. Stupid machine. So I'm going to go.
November 2, 2001...12:42am
I ran over a pigeon today. I laughed so hard I nearly had to pull over. Don't get me wrong. I really do like animals. One time, with Jamin as my witness, I swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel. But this pigeon. I laugh just thinking about it. The funny part is that it didn't kill it. I looked back in my rearview mirror to see this cloud of feathers, and the pigeon wabbling across the street. Haha. Maybe you had to be there. Wow. Nevermind. I put a new senior picture up on my home page, so you should check it out. It really is a much better photo. The lighting is still bad, but I don't know how to fix that. I put some content on my profile page, and then realized that you can't access it from my page. So I will try and fix that soon. I worked again today. I like this job alot. It is just stuff like pulling and copying charts, database stuff on the computer, etc. But the people are really nice, and the hours work with my schedule. I only have three classes tomorrow, which is nice. Did I mention I finished reading 1984 by George Orwell. Ohh, what a good book. I recommend reading it in conjunction with Dr. Goss's sociology class, and as long as the United States is at war right now, that adds an interesting perspective also. I picked up some Emerson and a Marge Piercy book at the library yesterday. Man, I could spend hours and hours in there. I don't know if I like Marge Piercy's poetry or not. She is incredibly talented, and I can appreciate that, but I don't know if I really enjoy her style or not. I talked to Steph tonight, which made me very happy. She is coming home for Christmas (WHICH IS ONLY 57 DAYS AWAY!!! WHOOHOO!!!!!) and I am excited to see her then. Well, I have gotten 8.5 hours of sleep in the last two nights. So I think I might go take out my contacts at least.
November 1, 2001...1:33am
Drop your jaw in amazement. I have worked on the site, all by myself!!! Yes, I have quite a sense of accomplishment. Check out my pic page! I added four more pictures! I am not sure how to turn them right side up, but they are there! I also added some info to my profile page, and deleted all my poetry. I am going to put it all up on individual links, so there will be no more scrolling scrolling scrolling down. It will much cleaner. That is about it for tonight I think. I have a little bit of art that I would like to add, but I will have to get Jamin to assist me with the scanner. It only works about one time out of ten. Well, all afternoon, I would have had pages and pages to write. But it is getting pretty late. So maybe more tomorrow night.
October 30, 2001...11:40pm
You would think that after everything you have taught me, I would be a bigger person by now. But I'm not growing, I'm just shrinking. I'm curling up into this little self absorbed ball. And if I close my eyes tight enough I can pretend like you never happened at all. The more independent I try to be, the more dependent I become. Liking you isn't like it used to be, you know, lately it's just not as much fun. I used to come here because it was peaceful, but now the water never stops moving. I still keep coming though, to keep my pride from bruising. If this was the movies, I could just pack up and leave. I could leave you a letter on a park bench saying I was going way. But this is real life. I have obligations. I have other people I love. I have bills to pay. And as long as I'm here, I will have to see you every once in a while, unless I pull the old avoidance routine, but I won't stoop to that level. Because believe it or not, I am stronger than this smile.*******Well, isn't that just lovely. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my english teacher won't have an appreciation for it when it comes time to hand in our rought draft for our persuasive essay due tomorrow. (The one I haven't picked a topic for yet...yeah, that one) I'm distracted. I'm going to the roof.
October 30, 2001...12:45am
It is cold in my basement. I want to go to bed. But it has been a couple days since I have written.I had a really good day today, I have decided. I had breakfast, and lunch, and dinner all with friends. Although school has lost it's hint of excitement now. I think I did not do so good on this sociology exam I took today. I didn't read the chapters, because last time I read the chapters, is seemed like a waste of time. I may change my mind after I get this test back. I went to the play at Stevens tonight. It made me a little sad, to just be an audience member, but it was a very good show. I miss my friends from there quite a bit. I don't get to see them much, and I don't want to be the person that spends their entire life just "hanging out" at their old highschool. Oh well. Have I ever mentioned how happy fall makes me? I feel like I'm in a fairy tale everytime I go outside. Well, I'm pretty sleepy now, and I do have to work tomorrow at 9.
October 25, 2001...12:25am
I have restarted this paragraph 4 times now. I am feeling very much like a loser. I would like to be somewhere else right now. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but at Tech. Anything but working one odd job here, and another one there. Anything but trying to figure out who the hell I have become. Anything but waiting waiting waiting for some kind of answer from God as to what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I crave anonymity. I crave close, honest relationships. I crave freedom from goal-less responsibility. I crave peanut butter. Do you ever get in those self-centered modes where you feel like you can't even escape your own head? It's like having one of those annoying friends that calls you all the time to tell you about all their problems, and you just want to tell them to shut up, because you don't have the answers. And then you look in the mirror and realize that person is you, constantly pestering your own concious with the same endless dillemas? I want to ask more questions, I want to have something to say, I want to stop giggling, I want to be really good at something (anything...well, almost anything) I want to know how to fix my own car, I want to know how to pray like my grandmother prays. I want to know the name of the guy that sits three chairs away from me in Soc. 100.
October 22, 2001...7:15pm
I am finally really busy again, and I like it so much better than having free time. I just got a one-time/temporary job (that could turn in to a permanent job) cleaning out a data base at a doctors office, so that will be a nice little bit of cash. Dreadfully boring I'm sure, but I shouldn't complain. I start tomorrow, and then in a week or so, they will be getting a lap top, so I can do it at home at all hours of the night when I am not sleeping. We went to visit my Grandparents last weekend. It really wasn't a nice relaxing trip. When we got to the farm, we found out that my aunt had just driven my grandpa to the nearest ER, (which is about half-an-hour away) He was so dehydrated, and he was running a fever. The chemo has just been taking it's toll. He's lost about 60 pounds is the last two months, and most of his hair is gone. We drove down to see him at the hospital, and he looks really different. I hated being there. My own selfishness disgusts me. The doctor sounded like he would be able to go home either today or tomorrow though, so that is good, and he was eating some too. I would have written from my grandparents house, but I couldn't get on the internet without a password, and my grandma didn't know it. Is anyone reading this lately? I'm trying not to be too depressing. Hmmm. I am builing a scale model of a gothic cathedral for my art history project. That will be fun. But I need to go clean my room now. This is all kind of random. I am all kind of random. I have a little sketch that a drew in the car, and I might put that on here if I get a chance. Ugh. I always do that. I always say "I'm going to do this" or "I'm going to do that." and then I usually don't do any of it. The same way I was going to pierce my nose, the same way I'm going to paint, the same way I'm going to go clean my room.
October 18, 2001...12:13am
I threw myself a regular old pity-party last week. I cried and cried and said "Woe is me" alot, and made a very long mental list of all the ways that I'd been "done wrong". Then I went and cleaned out the refridgerator, and I felt better. But now I'm in a dreadfully horrid mood, and the refridgerator is clean, so I'm trying to think of a way of dealing with this dreadfully horrid mood that might be somewhat productive. I suppose I could get up off of my butt, put on my coat and go for a walk in the rain. I'm sure I would get very cold, but then I wouldn't be thinking about the things I'm thinking about now (instead I would be thinking about being cold)and the more I think about these particular things, the worse my mood. I just don't know. I think the biggest disappointments in life are those when we fail to meet our own standards, don't you think? It really has nothing to do with other people in that sense, we cause our own grief. Wow. Have I cheered you up yet? I'm leaving after psychology class on Friday to go with my family to visit my grandparents. Jared is driving up to come along and to do some hunting, and I might get to run up to Sioux Falls to have lunch with Adrienne while I'm there (speaking of which, I need to call her). Well, I still have to find information on the internet about Architectural Features of Gothic Cathedrals, and I have to work at 8:00 tomorrow morning, and I'm still thinking about that walk. And I'm still in this horrible mood. I'm sorry. Goodnight.
October 15, 2001...6:26am
Oooh. I am really tired. My alarm clock doesn't have a snooze button, and I forgot to change it last night, so when it went off a bit early this morning, I decided I should get up, rather than try and reset and probably screw up and then over sleep and miss my first class. That is my really long explanation for why I have time to write at 6:30 in the morning. *YAWN* The retreat was nice. It was a little cold up there. We had a SNOW (whoohoo!!!!) storm blow through while we were in a session, but by the time we got out, you wouldn't have even known it was there. It was sunny and still and 50 degrees. Oh well. (I actually hate winter, but the first snow makes me really excited for some reason)The whole "theme" of the retreat was prayer, and it was really good. *YAWN* Okay. I need to brush my teeth. I have to take Jamin to school this morning, which means I have to leave early. *YAWN* I just want to go back to bed.
October 11, 2001...6:33pm
I had sort of had a little plan to wait to write anything about the terrorist attacks until I some time and passed and I had a little more perspective. It's been a month, and I still don't feel that I have any perspective. How do you step back and look at the big picture, when there is really nowhere to step back to? I think I'll wait another month. I really have meant to write in here more often. I made a little mental list of different things to write about, but I have been busy. I didn't sleep at home last night, and I won't be sleeping at home tonight or tomorrow night either, so that makes my usual post-midnight entry not an option. I'm going on the womens retreat for my church this weekend, and I am very excited. It's up in one of the most beautiful parts of the hills. Ugh. I am so dumb sometimes. I left my lights on when I went to master chorale. I can't figure out why I had my lights on at all at 4:00 in the afternoon. Nonetheless, I had to have a friend help me jump my car. I felt pretty stupid. I took my first Sociology test at 7 this morning. Freaking seven AM. I think I did relatively well. I read all 4 chapters yesterday. It's actually really interesting stuff. One of the things I found interesting is Cooley's Looking Glass Theory. It states that "I am what I think you think I am." So if I feel like you think I am really dumb, essentially, I will become that. Haha. I found this very intruiging. Well, I gotta go to Intervarsity.
October 7, 2001...8:13pm
My grandpa is in the middle of chemotherapy treatments, and I am in the middle of denial. I am going to visit him in 2 weeks. He will be fine. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I love long weekends. We had a luau for Jamin's birthday. It was a blast. One of those things where you are embarassed to tell your friends that you had a good time, but you know you really did. I really didn't do anything too exciting on this long weekend. I would have liked to go hiking up in Spearfish Canyon. Or camping. I really would have liked to go camping. Oh well. I raked leaves. I love raking leaves. I think it's therapeutic. I'm not sure what for. I don't think I'm really in need of anykind of therapy, (some people might beg to differ) but it was nice nonetheless. October 6, 2001...1:00am
I got a 99% on that psychology test. Only 15 out of 96 people that took the test got an A, so I was very proud of myself. I drove between my house and the school 5 times, round-trip today. I wonder if I could take a mortgage out on a car? My parents said they would sell me my (or technically, their) car when Jamin starts to drive, rather then give him mine and make me buy a new one. I actually like my little Geo Prism, and they will give me a good deal of course. I'm listening to Phish on the internet right now. I really like it. I really like their ice cream to...Ben and Jerry's PhishPhood. Man, I wonder if I could get people to pay me to plug their products on my website. Testimony style sells more stuff than popup window advertisements, wouldn't you think? But I suppose that could kind of suck after a while. I mean, I could start out with things like mentioning my favorite kind of icecream, but after a while I'd have to be like "you know, I was cleaning my bathroom this morning, and I noticed that lysol get's rid of 50% more of the stains in my toilet bowl, as opposed to the leading brand" or "Secret just keeps me drier" it could get really terrible, and then no one would come to my page anymore anyway. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea anyway. Steph and I went down to open mic at the Deli tonight. It was great. I love that place so much. The people are so...wierd. Haha. It's delightful, because it's impossible to feel self-concious there. I had heard that last Friday night the place was packed, but there weren't too many people tonight. A couple families it looked like, which was wierd. I've never really felt like that was a family type of place. A couple little kids sound asleep on the couch. A girl played a trumpet solo, which was a little funny, because when you think of open mic at a coffee shop, you don't think of some little junior higher playing classical trumpet, but she was pretty good. After that Steph, AJ and Morgan and I went to see America's Sweethearts. It was funny. I love Julia Roberts. Who doesn't love Julia Roberts? Everybody loves Julia Roberts. But of course I left the theater feeling very fat, and very ugly, and very un-charming. Usually that is what happens whenever I go to movies where the pretty girl get the boy (which is pretty much every movie). I went to the community theater play last night. It reminded me how much I love theater. I was thinking about doing stage crew for the next show down there, but Jamin is trying to talk me into auditioning again. I don't know. I can't decide if the stress of if all (getting on stage scares me.....alot) is worth the rush of performing. Tech is something I'm good at, and there is way less pressure involved. I just don't know. Well, I'm tired. It's 1:23 now. I'm going to bed.
October 3, 2001...2:25pm
Wow! I am having such a great day. I went to bed at about 2:30am, and I woke up with 1/2 hour to spare this morning. I was early to school, so I parked on the far side of the campus just so I could walk through leaves. It was positively splendid outside. My psychology test went relatively well, I think. I'm hesistant to say that because I fear I might jinx myself. The 2 cute guys with great hair were both in my sociology class today (humor me, alright?) and I applied for a job at a very quaint little bookstore. And best of all, my $500 scholarship check FINALLY came in!!!! You have no idea how happy this makes me. Very happy. The guy at the little cashier window looked sort of amused. I must have acted like someone who just won the lottery. But now I have to go back to english, which takes about all the self discipline I can muster, to go back to a class at 3:00 after I've come home. Youth group tonight, and I am excited. I love to go see all those people. We have a grand time.
Four more reasons why I am happy:
#1)English class was cancelled today (1/2 hour after I wrote the stuff above)
#2)I have gotten e-mails and phone calls and even real paper-with-a-stamp letters from 4 friends in 3 days.
#3)I found the earring I thought I lost
#4)My grandma made a whole loaf of banana bread just for me.
October 3, 2001...1:15am
I'm back. I told you I would be. I'm done studying for my psychology test. My brain simply cannot hold anymore information. But I think I covered most of it. I apologize for the less than cheerful entry previous this. I just get on a tangent, and they usually don't even make sense. I was really hyper today. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wore my wonderful blue pants. There is nothing like great pants to cheer a person up. And my little sister gave me the Snow White toy from her happymeal.(I'm afraid there are certain things I will just never grow out of) And it's FALL!!!!!!! In heaven it will be the beginning of October for eternity. Nothing makes me happier than these couple weeks out of the entire year. Everytime I step outside I just want to take off on a hike. I went on a two-hour walk on Friday afternoon. Just me and my dog, haha...who never tells me to shut up. Yes, I do talk to my dog. I went down to the park, and walked out to this little fishing thing in the middle of the lake. It was so perfect. Then I went wading in the little creeky-dealy thing...it's man made with little picturesque stone walls on both sides and only about 2 feet across. Technically, I think that's illegal to wade in it. Oh well. I had a nice time. And on Saturday I was sore. I walked a long way. I need to make time to exercise. I'm thinking about taking a yoga class as soon as I can afford it. I didn't go back to salsa club tonight, because 1) I had to work 2) I had to study for the test 3)No matter how much I practice I can't get my hips to do that little...swing...thing. And if you can't do that, you might as well not even be dancing. I think I'll stick with the belly dancing that I took up this summer. I can do that hip thing. You know, I really need to pick one thing, and stick with it. I'll never get good at anything at this rate, because everytime I start something new, I find somehting else I want to learn. Along the same lines, I'm finally transitioning from always worrying about what I was going to do with the rest of my life, to being excited about the fact that I don't know what will happen. It must be boring to wake up in the morning and have a fixed concept of where you will be in 5 years. We had to write about that in English yesterday. Our goals for the next 5 years. And where we see ourselves then. I have absolutely too many ideas, as opposed to no idea. I can see myself living on the east coast, either in a big city or a little city, I can see myself living on the west coast, I can see myself living here. I can see myself single, I can see myself married. I can see myself with 4 kids. (okay, maybe in 15 years) I can see myself in Africa. I can see myself writing or owning a small little business, or working in a hospital, or on the stage crew for a broadway show, or doing publicity for a magazine, or working in the FBI. I can see myself working in a boring retail job in the mall, I can see myself still at school. Hahahaha. I can see myself still sitting at this stupid computer far too many hours a day, writing and writing and writing a bunch of crap in a journal far to dumb for anyone to read. Ha. Yes. That's where I see myself 5 years from now. No matter where I am, I will never be in bed before 2 a.m. :)
~Marci
October 2, 2001...9:11pm
You know what I hate? I hate when people assume. They take the scientific method a little too far when it comes figuring people out. They think that they can just draw a conclusion after gathering data. The problem is they don't usually bother to gather SUBSTANTIATED data. (aha! I have learned something in the last 3 weeks!) This leads to so much misunderstanding. Take the Beatles for instance. There are people out there who must think that the members of this band weren't even capable of writing songs involving non-drug abuse content. I'm not saying they were, I'm not saying they weren't. (I am a Beatles fan, but that is not my point.) The point is, I really have no idea exactly what each of their songs is about. Yes, I realize that we have to make conclusions in every area of our lives in order to function normally. It's part of being human. We have to assume that the chair is going to hold us, or we wouldn't sit in it. If we going around paranoid all the time that people are lying to you, because you are afraid to assume that they are not your enemy, you're going to live a pretty sad life. I'm not trying to be cynical. I'm just saying, you are probably being decieved (in both good AND bad ways) the same way you deceive people yourself (once again in both good AND bad ways). And don't try and tell me that you aren't deceiving anyone. We all do it. Not in huge ways for the most part, but just little details. All right, I have to run. Hopefully I'll have more time to clarify myself later tonight.
October 1, 2001 (continued)...7:55pm
Here is my fairly short entry for today. I had hoped to get just a bunch up here for you to read tonight, but as usual, plans change. I forgot that I had a common exam for Choir this afternoon, so I was at school from 8-6. I did manage to fit in a trip to the salvation army (I bought a very cool t-shirt for $1) and allergy shots and picked up my last check from my summer job and made copies of all my psychology notes for my friend who lost hers. I did that all during my lunch hour, so I at least feel productive. I feel like such a nerd getting allergy shot's. It seems like I should wear pocket protecters or something when I go. They aren't too bad. Two of them every Monday and Thursday. I'm a wuss though. I can make myself really scared if I think about the needle enough. If I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me at all. Well, anyway, I was at school until 6, and now I'm not even sleeping at my house tonight. I'm staying at a friends house because his mom is in the hospital and his dad is staying up there with her, and doesn't want the kids alone. So I have to run. Hopefully I'll get some homework done though. I think I have three tests this week, and I haven't done the reading for any of them.
~Marci
October 1, 2001...3:06am
Yes. That's right. 3:06 am. I am not sure however that it's October 1st, because my mind is sort of numb and I can't remember how many days there are in September. My mom taught me that little poem back in kindergarten, and yeah...Thirty day's has September...so...okay. I'm right. Whatever. I'm am wide awake. This sucks. I have choir at 8:00am. That's less than 5 hours from now. We got back from Laramie/Denver/Ft. Collins an hour ago...maybe I'm awake because I slept so much in the car. It was a great trip. I'm not going to write about it now though, I'm going to go write a poem about some...stuff. But it probably won't end up being a poem, because...well, it's 3:00 in the morning and who can count sylables and make things rhyme or any of that crap at this ungodly hour? Yeah. Sorry. E-mail me sometime. starfaery1@aol.com (don't use the "contact me" from on the page...it's not working yet)
September 27, 2001...12:13am
Man, I'm really jealous. My friend in Boston just wrote to tell me that she got to see Andy Stochansky perform tonight. In case you don't know who that is (and you probably don't...don't feel bad) he used to be Ani Difranco's drummer. I'm envious. Today was such a slacker day for me. I didn't get out of bed until 9:00, and then I went to this freshman, pizza party, pep rally thing at 11:00. I just really don't have any school spirit. I think maybe if I was away from home and living in dorms, and college was sort of my life, I might get into it more. But right now, I just don't care. All day, I kept thinking of little things to write about, but now they have all escaped me. They won't let me clep out of English...my advisor was like "you paid for it...maybe you should try and learn something". I really really need to get a job. I checked at 6th St. Deli and Bakery, but they aren't hiring. I would really love to work there. I think it's about my favorite place in town. Man, I feel like a bum. I always complain that I'm too busy, but when I'm not, I just feel so lazy. I'm really in a negative mood right now. I just feel like whining. About all kinds of things. It's terrible. Geez, I feel like school has just consumed my life, which is bad in a way, because when I think about school I think about how I don't know what I'm going to do with my future, and then I worry. I am going down to Laramie on Saturday to see Jared, which is cool. I've been to Denver alot in the last 6 months. I really really want to go some where, other than Denver. Just get in my little Geo and drive somewhere I've never been before. New Orleans. Oh, I would love that so much. Eat the food. Listen to the music. House of Blues. There's alot of culture down there in the south. Culture really intruiges me. Maybe that sounds dumb, but I would like to study stuff like that. I just love it. I really love to travel. I love people. I wish I was more outgoing and could just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation. Yeah, I know, most of them would think I was a freak, but everybody has a story to tell, and I think if we were more aware of that, we would become less self absorbed. The moon is brilliant tonight. I think I'm going to go sit on my roof and think. I need to do that. I'm confused about so many things lately. Haha...more than usual. People must look at me and think that I haven't a clue what is going on. I don't usually. I feel especially stupid at tech. I don't understand math or science at all. See, if I was at a liberal arts school, where people appreciate the same things I do, maybe I wouldn't feel like such a dork. I could have intelligent conversations with them. But at tech, they're all like "So I was pondering my teachers theory about Differential Equations" and I usually just look at them like they got excited about vaccuming or something. Oh well, to each his own. I am going to try and upload a whole bunch of poetry on word files, so they will be way cooler to look at...different fonts and such...you will have to go check those out sometime after Jim gets them up for me. Alright. It's 1:00 now, and I have class at 8:00.
September 26, 2001...1:53pm
I'm home to finish my final draft of my english essay. I'm going to check and see if it's too late to clep out of that class. It's a 3:00 class, and I don't have class from 1-3, so that kinda sucks. And I think it's easier than my 11th grade english class. I'm learning how to play the drums starting next week, which is really exciting, because I've always wanted to play the drums. The guitar is coming along, sort of. I can play about 7 chords now, and I'm getting better at switching between them all. But I don't think I'll ever be able to perform or anythign, becaues as soon as I know someone is listening to me, all of a sudden I can't play at all. The painting I found about a month ago at this gallery downtown is still there. I thought it would have sold by now. It's really beautiful. But it's $400. I want to learn how to paint too. I'll probably just end up teaching myself. I don't really want a job, I'd rather just learn how to do all kinds of new things. I went to Salsa club lastnight. So I'm trying to learn how to dance. Next week I'm bringing different shoes. My feet are killing me. Well, I have to go or I'll be late for English.
September 20, 2001...11:08pm
The stats for my page say that 43 people visited my journal yesterday. That can't be right, since average is about 6 a day. That's crazy. I had such a busy day yesterday and today. Yesterday I had class from 8-1. At 1:00 I ran home and wrote the 1,000 word essay for my english class. At 3:00 I went to the class, at 4 I left and ran to a couple different interesting tattoo/body piercing places. (Can you believe they want me to pay them $50 dollars to put a ring in my nose? I'm not sure yet if I'm ready to make this kind of commmitment. Maybe I should take a little poll: starfaery1@aol.com....should Marci pierce her nose?) Then I went and picked up the two little kids I was babysitting from daycare, then went and unlocked my church for our youth praise team, took the kids to Mcdonalds, took the kids to Awana, took the kids home to get the Awana books they had forgotten, took the kids back to awana, went to youth group, played piano for praise team (major disaster) took the kids home after awana, put them to bed, got them up at 6:30 this morning, got them dressed, fed, and ready for school, put them in the car, came home, picked up Jamin took him to school, took the kids to school, came back home, showered, went to my very stupid University Mentoring class, came home for lunch, practiced guitar, picked Jamin up from school, brought him back home, went back to school to practice with my choir partner, then practiced for Master Chorale, then went to Master Chorale, then read and reread and reread and reread about 4 pages in my art history book, then went to Intervarsity, and now I'm home and I'm exhausted. So I'm going to go reread those 4 pages again, which is only about 10% of what I'm supposed to read for the test tomorrow, and study my notes for my psychology test. I feel like writing writing writing, but I have to get up for class in the morning.
~Marci
September 18, 2001...10:48pm
The first reason I wasn't going to write tonight was because this guy at school works for an internet provider and came to class today all in a tizzy about the biggest virus ever, and how by tomorrow the internet might be non-exsistent. After I told all of my loved ones not to use the internet, for fearing of spreading the worm and aiding in the destruction of our main line of communication, and they all gave me that "look", I decided I'd been deceived, and gave in to check my e-mail. The second reason I wansn't going to write was because no one even read the last entry. Not that there was a substantial thing in the whole entry, but I felt like pouting anyhow. The third reason is because it's almost 11:00 and I have yet to write that essay for English tomorrow. Come to think of it, I have yet to pick the topic. I also have to be three different places at 5:00 tomorrow night, and haven't figured out how I'm going to do that. But anyway. I was reading this entry on diaryland.com and realized that this one girl ended every single entry with "boys suck" or "boys or stupid" or "I hate boys". It was kinda funny. For some sick reason, it made me really want to write. Haha. I probably shouldn't go into that sort of stuff though, because writing about things that you don't know much about only makes a person look stupider. It's not that I just don't know anything about boys, it's that I feel like I don't know much about people in general. Maybe it's a good thing I'm in psychology and sociology right now.
~Marci
September 17, 2001...10:24pm
If you haven't noticed, I am writing my entries at increasingly earlier times. I'm trying to get into a normal schedule so that I can stay awake though my classes. Aww, man. I've been writing for 2 minutes now, and the inevetable question has once again popped into my head. Should I write about politics? Is is selfish of me to write about me? Hmmm. If you want to read about politics, or news, or blood drives, there are lots of other places to do that, but does that give me an excuse to be self-centered? Okay. Fine. I'm just going to write whatever pops into my head. This is torture. You have no idea! I think I got a work study job in the art gallery at school. It only pays $6/hr., but the schedule is convenient, and I can get all my studying done while I sit there. Jamin got his learners permit a couple of weeks ago, so 6 months from now when he gets his restricted permit, he gets "my" car, and I have to go buy my own. I know positively nothing about buying cars except that I want one that is a prettier color than the one I have now. It has to be a stick shift, or I can't even drive it, and preferably with a CD player. But you can't be too picky when you have no money. Oh! I had something good to write, but I don't remember what it was. I am thinking about having Jim put up a little spot here somewhere for me to put links to all the websites that I would recommend. I found another one that is pretty cool. www.thefray.com. It's all about story telling. Kind of interesting if you like that kind of thing. Um, diaryland.com, if you want to read other people's journals, except that one is sort of overwhelming, becuase there are so many. We have a narrative/descriptive essay (rough draft) due in English on Wednesday, and I haven't yet picked a topic. It has to be a personal experience (hence the narrative/descriptive part) and I can't think of anything. I have a terrible memory for stuff like that. Blah blah blah. I sure can write alot about absolutely nothing. I'm having a picnic at my house tomorrow! A bunch of people from my old highschool (my big brother is trying to make me paranoid about having personal information on the internet)are coming on over during their lunch break (and a few are skipping class...but I do not encourage this! :). I have no idea how many people are going to show up, Steph's been inviting people like crazy. I really hope it doesn't rain or anything though, because they probably won't all fit in my basement. Youth group had elections for new leadership team members last week, so technically that makes me a "grown up" now. Lol. I don't know though. It's tough to juggle that "leadership" stuff when you still feel like a member. Whatever. That probably doesn't make much sense. School is going pretty well. I have a feeling this semester is just going to fly by. I should register soon for next sememster. I don't know how many more credit hours I should take. Hmmm. I feel so small at school. Just little. Well, I actually am going to go to bed soon. My day is completely packed tomorrow. I think I'm going to a salsa dance class if my friend and I can actually find where they meet (we got a nice "self tour" of the campus last week though)Okay. I should congratulate you if you actually made it to the end of this entry. I should probably also tell you to get a life, or go write your own journal. Haha. I'm just kidding. Stats for the page are up, so you're not alone. I'm going now.
~Marci
September 15, 2001...11:34pm
I didn't cry until last night. Before that, I would watch the news and listen to the stories, and get that tight feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my eyes would smart. But I didn't cry untill I was watching the replay of the memorial service last night. I could have written pages then about the whole situation, ranting and raving, but now I find myself speechless once again. "I think I'm lacking some wisdom". But I don't know if I should write about anything else now either. What else is there to write about? Where do you draw the line between addressing important issues, and picking up and moving on? I could write about dumb things like how I'm happy because I don't have to my wisdom teeth removed, or how I'm mad because the financial aid lady at school lost my scholarship info and it's going to be another 2 weeks before I get that $500. But stuff like that seems terribly insignificant when you actually write it down. I didn't even know have anything to really write about in this entry. Mostly I just wanted hurry and get the last entry in the archive, and off this page where it's the first thing everybody sees. It gives me this sick feeling everytime I read it. You all should write me and tell me what to write about. By the way, I should say I'm sorry for always complaining about you guys never writing to me. :) Seems like there is a slight error with the "contact me" link on this page, and it doesn't work. So if you did write, sorry. I never got it. But if you e-mail me at starfaery1@aol.com, I will get it, and I will reply. I promise. Well, I'm going to go read or something. I feel like playing piano, which I haven't done in weeks, but since it's almost midnight, that might not go over well with my parents. Goodnight.
-Marci
September 11, 2001...11:54pm
There is nothing I can say right now, about this horror, that hasn't already been said today. Aren't we all feeling the same things? I am sitting here, listening to my clothes drier and typing. When I close my eyes, I can pretend like nothing has happened. My God. When are you coming?
~Marci
September 7, 2001
I think maybe I am a hypochondriach. I just thought I would say that before I make my next statement which is that I think I am sick. Not terribly sick, just "I feel like sitting home and doing nothing but sleep on a friday night" sick. But I came home and told my mom that I had a headache and she thinks I have meningitis...haha...she is a funny lady. Ooh. Guess what! You lucky people you! Following is a journal entry from my real diary, you know...the kind with paper. Not written for an audience. Not that it's that exciting. In fact, it's pretty much the same as all my entries on here. So nevermind. It's really not that exciting at all. Anyway. Here it is.
(Friday, September 7, 2:23pm)
I love being alive. I love just BEING. The fact that I am human, and there is just so much out there for me to observe is fascinating to me. I am completely and entirely content. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. Yes. Happy. I am happy. But not in the bouncy giddy way. Just in the "makes me smile when nobody is looking" way. And I am not content because everything is perfect. Everything is not perfect. Everything will never be perfect. I am just content in that I am blessed. I am blessed by the good things, and I am blessed by the bad things. They are all blessings, because they have all taught me things. I know this does sound rather cheezy and idealistic. But can't a person just revel in their own private joy? That doesn't seem like something anyone should interfere with. We shouldn't even judge it. Since I am in such bliss,let me do my best to capture the moment. (oh this is cheezy) I am sitting in my little car, parked in front of Talleys. The sun is shining in to my open car window and also out on the sidewalk, making shadow lines all over everthing, and reflections in the windows of the stores. A girl with pink hair just ran by. She was applying for a job in the 6th St. Deli a minute ago, when I was eating toast and reading my english textbook assignment in there. Talley's "OPEN" sign is flickering red red red. Here comes a really tall guy with a white beard. Cars are driving by maiking car noises, and I am listeing to 32 flavors on my cheap car speakers. This song is reminding me of Kristen and Timmi and how I miss Kristen (I miss Timmi too...but she hasn't moved away, so I can still hang out with her)and that makes me remember of everything else that I miss. Oh, I hate that feeling. That "missing" feeling. It is just so SAD in the truest essence of the word. Well, it is time to go back to schoool for English class.
That's it. It wasn't as great as I had remembered it being. Sorry. I probably had your hopes all up. Have you checked out the new poems on my page? I will add some more tonight. YOu should go look at them. Well, it's only 8:43, and I am thinking about going to sleep now...I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
September 5, 2001
I should have written here an hour ago, because I was really hyper and talkative. Now I am just...bleh. It amazes me how I go from completely wild to being bored in a span of about 5 minutes. Oh well. I really love school. Maybe not school itself (I think it's really too early to tell yet) but I love my classes. Psych and Sociology look like they are going to be very very interesting. And I am soooo excited about art history. THis is stuff I love. Although, here's the thing. I go to an hour of each of these classes, and I get very excited, because I think about all the wonderful things I will learn, and how I will have so much information and everything by the time I am done, and how great that will be. And then I look around, at the "educated public" (adults who have a college diploma and are making a living) and think, "They would have had to take a psychology class in order to get a degree, but they just don't look like they care. They don't go around like they are just brimming with information about psychology...they are...doing paper work, or making phone calls, or drawing blood or something like that...and they don't look particularly excited about it either. So maybe it won't be as great as it looks. Am I making any sense? I volunteered to speak at youth group next wednesday. Now that I think about it, it scares the living daylights out of me. I am not sure what I will talk about. Hmmm. I think I will talk about focus. About making God the absolute center and essence of your life. But how can I talk about something I don't know about? I am always dreadfully afraid of giving people advice and that type of thing. I mean, I jump at the chance to tell them what I think they should do. Most people do. But then I get to thinking..."What if I just gave them what sounded like good advice, and they take it, and it irreversibly screws their life up?" Do you think I am a negative person? Am I becoming increasingly cynical? I suppose this journal is not always the most accurate display of me. I haven't quite figured out how to convey true joy, or sarcasm, or interest onto a computer screen. It's like trying to have a conversation with your self. Although, at times, I am quite good at that. Well, I am pretty much out of stuff to say right now. In another five minutes, I will probably think of something. I might come back. But you really should write me. I know you read this (who ever "you" happen to be) because stats are up. But I'm curious as to who all "you" are, and what you think. If you think about it, it's really only fair that I should get to know about you, if you get this much from me all the time.
September 4, 2001
I just wrote a nice little entry about God's will, and being content. I was pretty proud of it, and then it somehow got lost out in the fathoms of cyberspace. Sorry. You might have appreciated it. Oh well. It is 11:46 and classes start tomorrow. So I'm going to bed now. Lord, please help me to not miss the alarm clock tomorrow.
Marci
September 3, again, 2001
Sigh. Well, summer is over. Believe it or not, I can not wait to get back to a school setting, to learn again. Steph is at Stevens taking Physiology and Anatomy, and American Sign Language, and Literature with Mr. Schulz, and I'm dreadfully jealous. So I suppose I will just have to make her teach me everything she learns. But in 2 days, I will be taking psychology, and then I will learn things she doens't know, so maybe I will feel better. Haha. I am so wierd. Well, I have some more poems to add to my page, so maybe I will go do that now. It is beautifully warm outside, I wish I was camping tonight. I went hiking out in the hills today. It was great. I love hiking. I think I might take some real rock climbing lessons. I would love to know how to do that. Okay. I really am going now. (I say that alot, don't I?) Oh yeah. I was going to write about God. I will come back and do that in a bit maybe. Other wise, I will do that tomorrow.
September 3, 2001
Wow. It's 2:43 AM. I don't even know why I am writing in here, because I only slept 4 hours last night, and I took so many allergy pills, my brain is completely numb. Let's see. Jared went to school. I miss him, even though I was so mad at him before he left. There is this little tiny bug crawling all over my computer screen. I wonder what it looks like to him. Well. That's about the sum of all profound things I can think of to say right now. I am done working at the Friendship Factory, and really sort of sad about that. I really enjoyed working there. I loved working with people. I have been thinking a little more about possibly going into missions. I would love to work in a womens or teens shelter in an inner-city setting. But for some reason being a social-worker doesn't particularly intruige me. I really need to learn more about what is involved in particular jobs before I try to make any decisions. Really, I just want to make music. I want so very badly (that is poor grammar I am sure) to be able to sit down with my guitar or piano and just write songs. And then to sing them for people. That seems as though it would be fabulously satisfying. But, I really wouldn't know. Hmmm. I just had something good to say, and now it's gone. Funny how things seem so much more important once you can't remember what they are. It might have been something about people...I think that's where my train of thought was headed. Oh well. It's hopeless now. I'm going to bed.
August 31, 2001
My Grandparents are coming to visit this weekend, and will be sleeping here in the basement. Since they like to go to bed about 10:00, I will not have access to the computer much for the next couple of days, so I decided to add yet another entry while I had the chance. Due to some circumstances of a semi-personal nature, the no-fail work schedule I was planning for the fall (for the job I have yet to find) is becoming a little more complicated, so I might be stuck telemarketing for a while longer until who knows when. Since I have not had too much other stuff to deal with this last week, I have kept busy writing poetry, and finishing old poems that I had stashed in the abyss called my closet. I'm accumulating quite a collection...I think I have almost 50 poems now. I thought about attempting to get them published, but I don't think that would go over very well. I think lots of them are really cool, but that is mostly because they mean so much to me, I understand them and know why each word is so pertinent to the particular topic, for whatever reason. But most of them don't mean much to the other readers. That is okay. I write mostly for myself anyway. Although I did post a few on an internet mailing list, for the purpose of receiving criticism, and several people wrote back and said that the poems expressed their feelings exactly. Sorry. I'm not trying to be all like "Wow...I'm so good." It's just a nice feeling to have someone say that. And to know that you aren't completely alone in feeling a certain way. I went shopping with my mom and my little sister and my grandma this morning. Sometimes I am so rude, and I don't even know why. And then I really do feel bad about it afterwards. I don't even remember why I ended up in a bad mood. I think it was because they didn't like my idea for fabric for a dress for my little sister. Something that dumb, and then I was all mad for the rest of the time. Well, enought of this for now. This is long, and I am out of things to say.

August 30, 2001
I hope you are all enjoying these heaps of entries, because I am afraid that next week, when school starts again, and I have to start thinking about those two nasty words (time-management...or is that one word?) again, this might start tapering off a bit. But don't fear, we will have more pics, and more poetry and more, umm, other really cool stuff for you to check out every day. And fun new stuff for me to write about, starting college and all. I am not particularly excited or scared or anything. So we will see how it goes. It will be different. I know this sounds dumb, but I am really missing highschool this week. Man, I still have the fabric I bought to make a very fabulous skirt up in my room, but it is still only that...fabric. Not a skirt. I am not doing anything of much importance at the moment, maybe I should go pull out the old sewing machine. Or not. Sitting around is nice too. Although, I will be the first person to tell you the even a little bit of idleness can lead to a horrid amound of self-absorption. It's sad really. Hmmmm. I think I might go walk my dog. Or read a book in the park, or one of those things that come November, I'll wish I had time to do.
August 29, 2001
In the last two days, two people I love very much have both been diagnosed with cancer. I haven't cried or anything. When bad things happen, I have this way of pretending like they haven't. Just putting them out of my mind, and making myself forget. This can be good, and this can be bad. It helps so you don't worry yourself to death, but you also feel guilty, because you wonder if you don't really care, and people get angry, because they think you don't care. I don't know alot about this kind of thing. I have been so blessed. I've never really had to deal with anything too tough. Now, moving on to a lighter topic or two. I realized today that I had time to sit down and read a book. This is the first time I remember this happening since about 6th grade. It's a weird feeling. In fact, it made me feel terribly unproductive, so after reading for about 4 minutes, I ended up cleaning out kitchen cupboards. Then the wierdest thing happened...I actually felt this bit of eagerness for school to start, so that I could be horribly busy again. I must be losing my mind. Speaking of epiphanies, (I really should keep a dictionary by my computer, so I can improve my spelling) it occured to me this summer, as I was trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for college, that education is a very good thing. I finally have a sincere desire to learn. I wish I had realized this passion when homework was free. Well, I am actually in the mood to write write write tonight, but unfortunately, my mom needs the computer.
August 27, 2001
Blah blah blah. I'm kinda bored at the moment. Page down to read the two entries from my trip. Man, I lifted weights tonight and did about 6,000,000 crunches (it's the thought that counts, right?) I'm gonna be ripped by the time school starts. But I'm going now. Sorry. This is short.
August 24, 2001
Wow! I'm early! It's only 11:00pm! I am so exhausted, so this is going to be short. We went shopping agian today, and then to Water World, which was a blast. Mostly I just rode the lazy river around and around. There weren't any crowds at all. It was so nice. I think someday when I win the lottery (however, I suppose that would require purchasing a ticket) I will put a lazy river in my back yard. Wouldn't that be lovely? Anyhow. So then we went to Joe's Crab Shack with my aunt and uncle (who's house we are staying at tonight) and that was a lot of fun. They have really good clams. And I met this delightful little girl named Samantha while we were waiting for our table. Well I'm sleepy, so I'm going to go now.
August 23, 2001
12:53 a.m. So that makes it Friday I guess. Family vacatoin time yet again. I will spare you the horrific details of the day, because, frankly, they are quite embarassing. So we'll just skip that. Now we're here at our hotel and everybody else is in bed. Being as they don't appreciate the light much, I am sitting on the floor of this little tiny bathroom, writing is this ugly gray spiral bound notebook. Wow. The things I do to keep you people happy! I'm just kidding. Writing makes me content. Sort of. I am also listening to my new Ani CD. Whoo hoo!!! I bought Living In Clip and it's incredible. It makes me so excited. It really makes me wish I could dance with out looking so retarded. Ooh. Shy. This is a great song. In fact, I think it's onc of the first of her's I heard. Do you guys get sick of me talking about her? Probably . Sorry. Jared gets sick of it. He hates her music. Speaking of which. I am very perturbed by him right now. I made a half-hearted attempt to remedy the situation, and then I gave up and decided to write about it instead. "I fight fire with words..." Sorry. I'll stop that now. Okay. Just one more thing. Joyful Girl. This song makes me want to cry. It gives me this immense feeling of lonliness. But now it's over. So I promise to write about something else. And that would be...hmmmm. I really need to get some new trains of thought. Recently everything is about the same 4 or 5 things. I need to broaden my horizons. I really have this urge to just take off and run. I've been kinda frustrated with everything lately and it makes me want to either kick box a punching bag or run run run. However, 1: I don't have a punching bag....2: I only remember 2 kickboxing steps...luckily, running is sort of a no-brainer. However, I don't even have anywhere to run right now. I'm in the middle of Denver. I could take to the halls, but....I won't. Eew. I have a mosquito bight the shape of Nevada on my foot. Hmmm. I just now got to thinking about my family . Families are such complicated things if you think about it. And it seems that the more people you have, the more complex it all becomes. It's like God took all these personalitites at random and said. "Here. Be friends." It's crazy. I think I've already gone over this actually, in a previous entry. I apologize for that. Ahhh. There's a broken tile in here. I wonder if anyone else will ever even notice that. Oh. But I was going to say how much I love my family. I really do. I just get angry sometimes because they show me who I really am, and sometimes that just sucks. "I don't why red fades before blue, it just does." This is how my mind works when I let it out of that little "schedule" cage that responsibilities require us to keep it in. It just wanders all over the place. From one thing to another. I wish I had someone to talk to right now. How crazy would you think I was if I just happened to give you a call from CO at 1:00 in the morning just becasue I'm bored? Pretty crazy I suppose. That's okay. I won't take it personally. And don't worry. I'm not going to call anyone right now either. I think I'm going to bed, even though I'm not tired at all. Oh wait. I have a better idea. there. I just turned off the music so I can dwell on my own thoughts, instead of someone elses, though the latter is usually the much more interesting of the two. Ohh. I can hear A little cricket outside. Actually , I don't know if he's big or little. It doesn't matter. He's still out there chirping like he's all that matters right now. Man, this summer just flew by, didn't it? You know how time seems to go faster and faster the older you get? I heard on the news the other day that the chemicals in the part of your brain that controls your perception of time increase or decrease or somthing as you age, actually causing time to seem to progress at a faster rate. I'll bet you appreciate knowing that, right? I found it interesting. But my head is starting to hurt, and my eyes are doing that double...uh...thing, whatever now. So I'm gonna crash. Night.
August 21, 2001
I think that I am finally ready to quit being so cynical. For a while at least. Maybe you will appreciate that. I am very sleepy right now, I only went to bed less than 12 hours ago, and I have been awake now for 6, so I feel like I could use a nap very soon. We are leaving tomorrow to go on a family vacation to Denver. I think it will be the 5th time IÂ’ve been there since Christmas. Oh well, at least it is sort of new and different. They have some decent architecture down town, if nothing else. I think that bodies of water contributes so much to the character of a city, and being as Denver has none, it seems a bit drab to me. My entire family is going, all in our minivan. It will be a virtue-strengthening trip I am afraid, meaning that with all seven of us (including Jared)in one spot for more than an hour can teach you tolerance like no other situation in life. I am looking forward to it though. It really wonÂ’t be as bad as I am making it sound. I finally took my guitar in to get fixed. I am glad because it has been about a month, and I really need to start playing again. I am afraid that it will be like starting all overÂ…I donÂ’t always retain things for too terribly long. I went to Smatterings today with Josh, and picked up a job application. They are hiring an assistant, and I think that would be a really great place to work. I donÂ’t knowÂ…I found the application a bit intimidatingÂ…it asks you to write about art in your life, and the importance of it and such. It will probably take me a month just to fill out. I think Amanda has a great plan for youth group tonightÂ…she planned some games and stuff and then the Jr. and Sr. High are splitting up and she is going to lead the Sr. High. I am really looking forward to itÂ…and very glad that I got off work todayÂ…it is the only time I have to go to the fair. Well, my mom wants me packed before I go to church tonight. So I think I might go be lazy and take and nap, and then I have some errands to run. We wonÂ’t be back until Sunday, so IÂ’m sure I will not have another entry for you untill then. Unless of course, I can get access to a computer while IÂ’m in Denver. Who knows. Bye.
August 19, 2001
12:53 am. Do I know you? Are you friends, family, acquaintances, strangers? I don't know. For some reason you are here though. Maybe because you are bored, maybe because you have been here before and you were hoping that tonight I would have something "polydimensional" (maybe because you ran out of words and wanted to see if I had invented any more of my own lately) to write about, maybe because you want to learn. And not necesarily learn about me, simply learn from me. I doubt that I have a thing in and of myself to teach you, but most of learning is simply observing anyhow. You can learn from any situation. Do you crave blatant (I think I spelled that wrong) honesty? Telling the truth is like jumping in the dark. The truth is I am scared. The older I get, the more things I find to be afraid of. This seems backwards to me. I am afraid of making telephone calls. I am afraid of driving. I am afraid of meeting new people, and meeting old people. I am afraid praying when other people are listening. I am afraid of eating steak that isn't done medium well. I am afraid that because I am 18 years old, and have yet to lose someone close to me, it could happen tomorrow, and if it does, I will snap. I am afraid you will read this and worry that I am clinically depressed. I am afraid you will read this and not blink. Basically, I am chicken. So then there is God. I am to give him my fear and worry and concern. Easier said than done. Not sure why things work this way. I am not as depressed as I sound. I am happy go-lucky. I am happy because I am being brave and making friends. ("It's not brave if you're not scared."-what movie is that from?) I am happy because one of my friends brought me a hockey stick and puck today. Happy because my mom loves my family, happy because Maggie likes my poetry, happy because it is summer, happy because I can sleep in tomorrow, happy because it is quiet in my house right now, happy because you cared enough about something to read this far. Gross. And now I am mad because this sounds like a childrens book "Sunday Suzie feels mad. Monday Suzie feels excited. Tuesday Susie feels quite. Wednesday, Susie feels happy..." 1:22am....maybe I would produce far more satisfying writing if I tried at a different time of the day. Possibly before midnight. Everything good that I had to say all day seems to disintegrate about 7:00pm. August 18, 2001
I am kind of depressed right now, because I have had to say goodbye to four friends in two days. I am mostly sad because they are leaving, and a little bit sad because I am not. I am jealous. I know that if I was going away to school, right about now I would be really really scared, but scary is exciting, and I feel like I might as well be going right back to high school, with as excited as I am about starting college. I am excited about my classes, sociology, psychology, art history. I'm looking forward to those. Well. I am really in a bad mood. Do you ever just get so frustrated with the way things are going? And the worst thing is when it is your own fault that things are going that way. I honestly get far more angry at myself than I ever get at anyone else. Sharlissa and I went stargazing last night. It was great. The sky was so incredible. I completely forgot that there were that many stars, and then I get out there, and you feel like you are in a different world, there are so many. But I honestly didn't have a great time, because I was just so sad about everybody leaving, and missing people that were already gone. And I am depressed because I think I might be getting sick and I hate that. Of course I hate that. Everybody hates getting sick. Geez. Am I making you depressed yet? Sorry. I didn't mean to, but I'm not trying very hard not to either.
August 14, 2001
So here I am "camping" for two nights, although Steph says I can't call it that, because I am in my cousins brand new 8 person camper tonight, and then a cabin tomorrow night. Well, whatever it is, this is where I am. I am glad this page is getting a significant amount of traffic lately. But in a way it kind of sucks, because I am becoming more and more limited in what kind of stuff I can write about. What do you like to read about? I like to read about peoples feelings and ideas and how they handle differents situtaions. But the more I let people know about that kind of stuff, the more vulnerable I become, or at least that is how I feel. But do you really care what my daily life consists of? Well for those of you who do, I will tell you. For those of you who don't, you can skip the next part. Let's see. I slept in, which was nice. I worked for 13 hours yesterday which was nice also, to feel like I did something worth while. Anyway, I went grocery shopping with my mom. I really love grocery shopping. I'm not sure why. I guess I just love how....nevermind. That is so dumb. If you are highly intriged now as to the particular reason for my facination with it, e-mail me and I'll.....shut up now. Anyway. Then we loaded up the car and came and met my dad's brother and his family . My cousin Mariel is only 13, but she is nice to hang out with. We went rock climbing for a while, which was alot of fun. It's way easier to climb barefoot than with tennis shoes. I am sure you will appreciate that useless piece of information at some point in your life. :) Then we went on a trail ride, which, at $20 for an hour of walking single file on a very worn path seemed sort of like a rip off, but it's so beautiful out here it was worth it. And we saw 2 huge bucks, and that was cool. Now I'm in bed in this camper, which I really like. I think I would like to buy one someday. An airstream. The same way I am going to buy a guitar and a computer and a horse and a moped. Oh no. I just now remembered I was supposed to call for a telemarketeing list this morning. Crap. I am going to be so busy for the next two weeks or so. Everybody is going away to school and we all want to see each other "one last time" . I hate it when people leave. I am particularly missing our singers group this week for some reason, and I'm sure we will never all be back together again. We are already quite spread out as it is. Maryland, Idaho, Utah, Washington, Chicago, Souix Falls, Minnesota, New York. I know it is dumb to miss the things of highschool, but Singers is something I really appreciated. Oh well, life goes on. You know something I hate? I hate it so much when I can't help people. It's the most depressing thing, really. And what do you do when you don't even know what to say? You tell them to pray. And then what do you say when they tell you they have, but they've given up because it wasn't "working"? And how can you tell someone to pray in the first place, if YOU don't even pray enough? I worry like mad. It's terrible. It makes me sick sometimes. And by the time I'm 30 I will look 55 because I'll have so many anxiety wrinkles on my face. I think worrying is sort of hereditary. My mom has always worried alot. My mom's birthday is tomorrow. (Isn't it wild how one topic always leads to another essentially unrelated one? It reminds me of that game we used to play when I was little [or maybe it was only a couple of years ago - I have very little concept of time] where one person just writes a single word, and then another person writes the first thing they think of when they see that word...it was sort of a dumb game, now that I think about it. But it was an interesting look into the association aspect of psychology.) My entire life is merely an endless cycle of tangents sometimes. Hmmm. Well like I was sying, my mom's birthday is tomorrow. and I felt bad because I was in Denver on mothers day and didn't get her much of a gift. and I think she has always kinda felt bad bacause I let just about everyone but her read my poetry. So I'm making this sort of collage/collection/book thing of my art and poems. It is kind of cheezy I know, but I am sure she will like it. It's a mom thing, you know. She will probably find a way to get it to hang on the fridge or something. Ha ha. Well, I've written 5 1/2 pages, and it's only midnight and I'm wide awake, but everybody else is asleep. So I think I will turn off this little light in case it is keeping soemone else up. Goodnight. Oh yeah. Stats show that traffic on my page is up, but oddly enough, feedback is down. Lol. So e-mail me and tell me what you think. Otherwise, I forget you are even out there reading this. It's not too tough, just look for the "contact me" link on my page. Thanks.
~*Marci*~
August 12, 2001
I am kinda tired of being so busy, but that is what keeps me going I suppose. If I'm not doing something I'm obligated to do, usually I'm so lazy that whatever I choose to do isn't very profitable. So I guess that's how I work and it's a good thing. Listen to me. I'm just blabbing. My aunt and uncle and cousins are in town, and so my parents went out to watch the air show with them. I chose not to go....that just isn't on my list of things I enjoy (black pavment, hot weather, craning my neck, squinting in the sun...hmmm there must be a better way to have fun...whoa..that rhymes....I am such a dork)But anyway, what I was saying is that I have the whole house to myself for the next 4 1/2 hours, which is really nice. I think I will probably clean my room...ins't that sad? I spend so much time cleaning my room. I am trying to be more organized and efficient over all, and I'm doing a little bit better. I also might take a nap. Or maybe just go for a drive in the hills and think. No, I have spent far too much time thinking in the last 3 days. I wish I could stop thinking for a while. At least maybe stop thinking about specific things and get a new train of thought. I am reading another book Jim loaned me. It's called "Issues and Ideas" and it is just a collection of essays about a whole assortment of things. I'm currently reading some stuff on the authorship of Skakespears plays. Very interesting I might add. One of the points Mark Twain makes in his essay about the topic is that everybody, no exceptions, has all second hand beliefs. Isn't that sad? Sad but true. Nobody has original ideas. The other thing he points out, is that no matter how hard we try, we can't change this. This is probably true also, but I"m not quite sure. If so, it is a sadder truth than the first. Well, I'm going to go now, since I can't think of anything interesting to say. Sorry. Maybe this afternoon, since I have the whole thing without other people around to distract me, I will come up with something pensive and brilliant to write about. Maybe, but probably not. We'll see.
~*Marci*~
August 8, 2001
I am working here in the church and I am pretty bored. It's awefully quiet here. It's nice though, I've had time to return some phone calls and write in my journal and read my Bible and work on a ton of youth group stuff. Speaking of which, I just rememberd I was going to type up an announcement sheet to hand out tonight. So I'm going to go do that...maybe I'll write more tonight.
August 7, 2001
I'm sorry, I haven't written in four days. I did have time, I just didn't feel like writing, because it is the same thing every time it feels. But tonight I went canoeing, which really was more fun than I've had in a long time. It was really great. Well, my dad is telling me to go to bed. So I think I will. Sorry this is so short. Good night.
August 3, 2001
I am the most unorganized person, and I hate it, so I'm trying to change before school starts. I started by cleaning out a closet last night. I think I will go clean out my car and vacuum it now. I hate how I never know where anything is, and I miss every deadline I ever have. It's a very bad weakness to have. I was supposed to have a job interview yesterday, but I cancelled. I thought about it, and the job wasn't worth the hassle and such, (it is up at Mt. Rushmore, and only for another month) so I decided not to bother. I really do need to find a job for the fall though...the Cookie Lady wants me to fax her my resume and said she wanted to interview me. That would be a fun job I think...decorating for weddings, delivering singing telegrams...my my my....I am dreadfully idealistic, aren't I? Jared always asks me, "When are you going to get a real job?" He's right, you know. I should just waitress or something. Yesterday I went and took a bunch of senior pictures of Steph and Andrea...we got some really great shots downtown, and at old story book island. I will put some of them up on my page as soon as I get the disks back from Steph. Well, I am supposed to be helping with crafts at VBS right now, but I had to run home to send an e-mail for my telemarketing job (as usual, I forgot about a deadline) and then I have to work at the Friendship Factory from noon to 9. And the phone is ringing now. Probably my mom, saying "come back! you're supposed to be helping kindergardners paint periscopes" or something.
July 31, 2001
I know what I'm going to try to say, but I don't know if it will make any sense. Oh well. Here goes. Do you ever look at your life, and see everything in this future, sort of idealistic way, like you are just waiting for everything to finally BE like it should? Like you put off enjoying life and everything, because you almost subconsiously think that things are going to get better than they are now? I don't know if you can even understand what I'm trying to say. But mostly this dawned on me earlier this summer, when I realized that highschool was over. All the stories I'm going to tell my kids about when I was in highschool, have happened. That's all there is. And it was never quite what I thought it would be. It wasn't bad, by anymeans, just not what I had pictured. It seems I kept telling myself that once I was more organized, or less busy or something, I don't know. I'm blabbering. But I mean, just think. Now. This is your life. This is what you have. This isn't previews, it's the real thing. As stupid as it sounds, I sort of tend to forget that periodically. And even though now might now be what I've been waiting for, it's really great. I should stop talking. I'm trying to get all my poems typed up, so that if something were to happen to my disintegrating spiral bound note-books, I wouldn't have lost all those thoughts. It's a time consuming process. I hadn't realized I'd actually written that much. I didn't realize that writing poetry was actually something I did. Isn't that wierd? It was just this "I'm bored" thing I started, and then it just recently occured to me that it is actually one of my hobbies. I'm so wierd. Tech offers an astronomy class, which I really really really wanted to take, but they only offer it evenings, and that just doesn't really work for me. Bummer. The EMT class is offered at night also. So much to learn and so little time. Since a particular person demands to know why it is that I give up so easily, I am trying to remain really diligent with the guitar. I will admit, I'm getting bored with it already, becuase I'm a tiny bit into immeadiate gratification. And I don't pick things up too terribly quickly. I figure, there isn't anything I can't do, you just have to wait for me to want to do it. And then, I was trying to play an Ani song, and broke a string trying to tune it to one of those crazy tunings she writes everyhting in. Jamin wasn't very happy with me. Well, I have a bunch more typing left to do tonight, and another day of Bible school tomorrow, at 8:30 (I really love it, but it can be so exhausting)I'm trying to get a job for the fall, so I will have to deal with that tomorrow also.
~*Marci*~
July 28, 2001
I hate computers! I had this whole very long corny sentimental entry all typed up, and my computer kicked me off of the internet. And it’s pretty tough to recreate corny sentimentalism, but I will do my best. Lets see. Where was I? Oh yeah. The book. I just finished reading “The Catcher In the Rye”. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It really made me think. It also made me realize that maybe I’m not as weird as sometimes I feel like I am. Does reading ever do that to you? You get to wondering if you have a really weird thought process or something, but then when you read other peoples thoughts, you see that you are actually an awful lot like everybody else. The book also got me thinking about something else. I was thinking about how I hardly ever tell anybody how I feel about them (except when I tell my family when they piss me off) but I never tell my parents that I love them; unless they tell me first (which really is horrid. You should always tell your parents you love them, even when you are mad as all hell at them) and I never tell my friends how much I appreciate them. Maybe I’m the only person who does this, but when I find out that a friend is moving or going away or something, I start thinking about the when the last time I will see them will be, and I start thinking of all the things I will say to them when I say goodbye…how I will tell them how much I care and everything I should have said before then. And the worst thing is, if I find out after that that they aren’t leaving after all, all those things go unsaid. Isn’t that the dumbest thing ever?!? I don’t know why I don’t say those things when I should. That is something else I hate, how I will know what I should do, what is right, and I will make a conscioius decision not to, mostly out of laziness and lack of determination. It’s disgusting, really. Anyhow. I went to Kierstens wedding this afternoon. Oh, how I love weddings. It was so (AHHHHH there’s a cricket! Hang on….I’m gonna kill him….crap, he got away….anyhow….I was talking about the wedding.) It was so beautiful. So nice a simple. That really how love should be anyhow, right? Without all the hoop-lah (what kind of word is that anyway) and glitter and everything. I mean, they didn’t need all the huge fancy stuff, because you could just tell that they were so completely in love with each other. I really liked it. It made me a bit envious. But weddings make everybody envious I think, whether they want to admit it or not, because everybody just sits there and wishes they were that happy. No, that’s a rather cynical thought. Never mind. Maybe somep eople don’t get at all jealous at weddings. I shouldn’t generalize. Anyway. It made me happy. A little bit jealous and a lot happy. Andrea and I went down to the jazz and blues festival after she got off work, but we are both too cheap to spend $15 to get in when we could only be there for 2 hours ( a person shouldn’t have to pay that much for good music) so we just layed out a blanket and ate a bunch of junk food and read trashy beauty magazines and listened to the music. It was really great music. A lot of the people were unforgivably plastered, but they were pretty entertaining to watch dance. AJ bought me the Up Up Up Up Up Up guitar songbook! I was so excited that I left it on the roof of my car with a bunch of other stuff, and then drove away, promptly depositing it in the middle of that intersection by the holiday in. But Andrea, being the wonderful friend that she is, rescued it from an untimely death. I think it got run over, but that’s okay. Well, I’m going to go clean or something before my parents get home. Sorry. I managed to recapture all the corniness of the first attempt at journaling. And I didn’t even use good sentence structure to do it either. Oh well.
~*Marci*~
July 23, 2001
So here you have it. Another over-due entry, and 10 minutes of my time. Let's see. Oh, on a little previous note, I found a great sun-rise location, for any one who cares. The other night when I didn't go to bed, I went out at 5 to watch the sunrise, upon which, I remembered you can't see it from my house because skyline drive is in the way, so I decided to drive to a better spot, which ended up being the Menards parking lot. But anyway... I added a couple more poems to the poetry page for you. I've got some more to put up when I get a chance. Hills Alive was pretty good. Nothing extremely spectacular, but not too bad either. Burlap to Cashmere, Caedmon's Call and Kendall Payne were probably the highlights, in my opinion. I came home rather inspired to write my own music, but I soon found out that's pretty hard to do with my 4-chord guitar knowledge and lyrical handicap. So, don't expect any Marci albums out any time soon. Or maybe ever. Who knows. On Sunday our senior pastor resigned so the day turned out to be a bit disturbing, and now my church is in administrational (administarial? I think that's it) shambles. But though some feel that the whole church will now "go down the drain" I sort of have a peace about it. That sounds kinda crazy, because we've got an average attendance of 500 something, and in a month we will be without a senior pastor, associate pastor, and youth pastor, leaving us only with our all ready over-worked wonder-secretary. But I think it will be okay. The youth group has come so far in the last 6 months without a youth pastor, that all the high-schoolers are feeling pretty confident. Speaking of which. I seem to keep moving youth work up on my "possible careers" list. I've pretty much scratched architecture off of the list. I don't think I'm that technically minded, though it really interests me. The idea of an art-design major is really appealing, but then, what would I do with that? It doesn't exactly provide a dependable job once you graduate. Not particually noble either. Journalism is sounding vaguely appealing. Well, I need to go to work now. Bye.
~*Marci*~
July 17, 2001
It is currently 4:07a.m. Yes, that's right. As in "in the morning". So, technically, this is my July 18th entry. I'm sure you are asking yourself why I am up at 4 in the morning (well, maybe you aren't) but anyway, I just decided I had too much to do, and not enough time to do it in. I mean, why waste time sleeping, when you could be doing something worthwhile. So I'm pulling an all-nighter. And being very efficient in doing so. I have (in the last three hours) washed and folded 6 loads of laundry, and cleaned every room in the house, with the exception of the downstairs bathroom, and bedrooms other than my own.(Believe me, that's alot...I started at 1:00)But being that I'm not really tired, I think it is about time that I move to China, where I could possibly lead a normally scheduled life. I'm a little tiny bit tired, but if I were to go to bed now, I'm afraid I will never make it to work. So I think at about 5 maybe I will drive to a prime sunrise watching location, and then get some coffee at 6th street bakery, and then I'm not sure what I will do inbetween then and 9 when I have to be at work. Hmmmm. Come to think of it, maybe I"m tireder than I thought. Maybe I will come back home and get an hour of sleep or so. Well, for now I think I will go work on my poetry page a bit, untill I can switch these socks to the drier.
~*Marci*~ July 23, 2001
So here you have it. Another over-due entry, and 10 minutes of my time. Let's see. Oh, on a little previous note, I found a great sun-rise location, for any one who cares. The other night when I didn't go to bed, I went out at 5 to watch the sunrise, upon which, I remembered you can't see it from my house because skyline drive is in the way, so I decided to drive to a better spot, which ended up being the Menards parking lot. But anyway... I added a couple more poems to the poetry page for you. I've got some more to put up when I get a chance. Hills Alive was pretty good. Nothing extremely spectacular, but not too bad either. Burlap to Cashmere, Caedmon's Call and Kendall Payne were probably the highlights, in my opinion. I came home rather inspired to write my own music, but I soon found out that's pretty hard to do with my 4-chord guitar knowledge and lyrical handicap. So, don't expect any Marci albums out any time soon. Or maybe ever. Who knows. On Sunday our senior pastor resigned so the day turned out to be a bit disturbing, and now my church is in administrational (administarial? I think that's it) shambles. But though some feel that the whole church will now "go down the drain" I sort of have a peace about it. That sounds kinda crazy, because we've got an average attendance of 500 something, and in a month we will be without a senior pastor, associate pastor, and youth pastor, leaving us only with our all ready over-worked wonder-secretary. But I think it will be okay. The youth group has come so far in the last 6 months without a youth pastor, that all the high-schoolers are feeling pretty confident. Speaking of which. I seem to keep moving youth work up on my "possible careers" list. I've pretty much scratched architecture off of the list. I don't think I'm that technically minded, though it really interests me. The idea of an art-design major is really appealing, but then, what would I do with that? It doesn't exactly provide a dependable job once you graduate. Not particually noble either. Journalism is sounding vaguely appealing. Well, I need to go to work now. Bye.
~*Marci*~
July 17, 2001
It is currently 4:07a.m. Yes, that's right. As in "in the morning". So, technically, this is my July 18th entry. I'm sure you are asking yourself why I am up at 4 in the morning (well, maybe you aren't) but anyway, I just decided I had too much to do, and not enough time to do it in. I mean, why waste time sleeping, when you could be doing something worthwhile. So I'm pulling an all-nighter. And being very efficient in doing so. I have (in the last three hours) washed and folded 6 loads of laundry, and cleaned every room in the house, with the exception of the downstairs bathroom, and bedrooms other than my own.(Believe me, that's alot...I started at 1:00)But being that I'm not really tired, I think it is about time that I move to China, where I could possibly lead a normally scheduled life. I'm a little tiny bit tired, but if I were to go to bed now, I'm afraid I will never make it to work. So I think at about 5 maybe I will drive to a prime sunrise watching location, and then get some coffee at 6th street bakery, and then I'm not sure what I will do inbetween then and 9 when I have to be at work. Hmmmm. Come to think of it, maybe I"m tireder than I thought. Maybe I will come back home and get an hour of sleep or so. Well, for now I think I will go work on my poetry page a bit, untill I can switch these socks to the drier.
~*Marci*~ July 16, 2001
I am sort of feeling like my life is one of those cute little snowglobes (the cheap plastic kind, with little plastic souvenier scenes) and someone took it and is just shaking and shaking and shaking. And everything is all misplaced and constantly changing and quite screwed up. Every principle I had before, might as well be abandoned, every constant factor has become a variable, and nothing stops moving long enough for me to regain my bearings. I am certain that is actually a far more extreme description, that nothing is quite as big of a deal as I make it, but it is just kind of feeling that way right now. Nonetheless. Hmmmmmm. What to write? I am tired. It is 1:30, and I have to do kick boxing at 8 tomorrow morning with Steph and AJ. Well, this was lame. I suppose I could think of something worth writing if I sat here long enough, but I can hardly type legibly right now anyhow, so I will do it some other time.
~*Marci*~ July 12, 2001
People are so terribly terribly confusing. Is it possible to really understand someone? I don't know. You think you know someone, and realize that they are actually complete strangers. It's pretty disturbing. I guess that is something I can worry about for a while. The sunset was most incredible last night. It was raining at the same time the sun was setting. I have never seen anything like that before. I can't really write about it. It's one of those things where you just had to see it. Looking at it, I could hardly breath. I was just standing there, feeling so blessed to experience such glorious perfection, and it just sort of dawned on me, that that is how God loves us. That much, and so much more....that we don't even know. And to think that heaven will be better than that...wow. It was so beautiful. So beautiful. *sigh* I absolutely adore summer, but it is one of those things where you can't really be totally happy that it is summer, becuase at the same time you are sad because you know it is going to end. Huh. Not too much has been going on in my life beside work work work and some screwy relationship things. So I don't have a bunch to write about tonight. Somebody should write and give me some ideas. I could ramble about just about any topic, so if there is something specific you want to hear about, just let me know.
~*Marci*~ July 8, 2001
I've been thinking about so many things lately, I don't know where to start. God is awesome. That's always a good place to start, right? And a decent place to end also, I suppose. Because no matter what is going on anywhere else, we serve a holy and sovereign God. Amazing how that should be what compells me to breath, and yet I forget it so easily. I have decided that apologizing is one of the hardest things in the world to do. It is easy to say I'm sorry, and still hold a grudge, and it is easy to feel sorry, but not be able to bring your self to tell a person that, but for some reason, I have yet to manage apologizing sincerely when I have wronged someone. That sucks. I tend to just wait for things to blow over. I figure, if you wait a couple days, things will return to normal, and you can just pretend like nothing ever happened. But this leads to waiting for your whole life to blow over, and that, ovbiously, is not good. Selfish-ness is also a very ugly thing. It tends to attack when you are not looking, and usually takes more than one person to point it out to you before you begin to consider that it might be a problem. Conviction is a bitter thing. I also tend to forget that God is in control. Those of you who spend much time with me know that I tend to freak out on occasion. Okay, alot. Over little things. I can make any minute "problem" (i.e.....anything that I perceive in my screwed up brain as a problem)a monumental, life-threatening catastrophe. I haven't always been this way, so maybe one of the reasons for this is that I got bored with life, and realized that the more dramatic something was, the more entertaining it is. Second reason, is that I forget that GOD HAS A PLAN. And when this happens, and I am faced with a "massive dilemma" (like the one I am currently dealing with) I become hysterical. And then I open my mouth. Be kind to a hysterical person with an open mouth. They tend to release many words into the atmosphere like a shaken two-liter bottle of Root Beer. (Okay, bad analogy)They do this to anyone and everyone. And before they know it, they have explained in great detail their horrible story to anyone who will listen. And chances are, it is generally a story best kept to a minimal number of people. See? Look at me now!!!! I can't even shut up! Sorry. Oh, my fingers hurt so bad I can hardly type. But at least I've been diligent practicing the guitar for the last couple days. I can only play one song (and that one sounds like crap) but I am still very proud of myself. I think that I will talk to this guy at my church whose hobby is buying old guitars and fixing them up. Since I don't really know anything about the instrument, I figured he could help me buy one that won't be a rip-off. Okay, I gotta go. Bye.
~*Marci*~
*~< July 6, 2001
WHOOHOOOOO! I can finally play a whole song on the guitar! It doesn't sound real fabulous, but I will blame it on the fact that my capo is 25 years old and doesn't exactly do it's job. But that is okay. I am so very very proud of myself, because I just went online and printed off tabs (which I didn't even know how to read) and after listening to the CD a thousand times and just playing the same four measures over and over, I finally got it!!!! As you can probably tell, I am in a significantly better mood than I was yesterday. I think that being unproductive put's me in a bad mood. For the most part lately, I haven't been doing much except working at my paid jobs. I haven't gotten anything done around here lately. So I got up really early this morning and got a whole long list of things done today, and I have such a wonderful sense of achievement, which is pretty dumb, when you think that the things I did were cleaning my room and balancing my check-book, and stuffing about 30 "Mitten Kittens" and folding 5 loads of laundry and other things like that. Oh well, at least I feel like I kinda did something with my life today. And I was able to make a huge payment to my parents on my loan (the one I borrowed 1 1/2 years ago to go to NY) which leaves me with $3.09 in my checking account, but only two more payments. So I'm pretty happy. Hmmmm. Can't think of anything great to write about at the moment. I have to work at 9-5 again tomorrow. Losts of work, but I guess it pays off. Good night.
~*Marci*~
July 5, 2001
Liar Liar Liar. I am such a liar. If I could play two different poeple on stage as well as I can in real life, I would have won a tony by now! Or at least made it into a school show. I am so good at lying to other people, that I'm not even honest with myself. Am I the only person that does this? Does anyone tell the truth? NOW listen to me! I am even trying to make excuses. Let me tell you something. I have come to the realization that I am not a credible person. So do not believe a word I tell you. AHHHHH! That is disgusting. Disgusting and dissapointing. I suppose I could dwell on this issue for a ridiculous amount of time, but that probably would not be profitable, so I will change the subject. I had a nice long talk with Adrienne today. I am glad, because I was missing talking to Adrienne. She is such a great friend, because she says the things that need to be said. She asks the questions that you don't want to answer, and those are the ones that you know are out of sincere concern. Questions like "How are you today?" are not generally sincere questions. Questions like "When was the last time you prayed Marci?". Now those are the kind of questions that demand an answer, and are generally only asked by the people who care about you. Hmmm. Steph's mom called tonight to give me her address. I was gone, so she talked to my mom. And she cried (Steph's mom). So I am feeling very much like crying. Yes, I think I will go cry now. Goodnight.
~*Marci*~
July 1, 2001
I'm afraid this is going to be a short entry, because it's a quarter 'til 2a.m. and I am really exhauseted, but I will try and real quick just catch you up with the last 11 days of my life. Let's see. I went to MN with my family, it was a pretty fun trip. We did lots of geeky family attraction stuff, but it wasn't to bad. Went to the Ani concert in Souix Falls on my way back, which was awesome (I could write significantly more about it, but I'm pretty sure that if my friends hear the words "Ani" or "concert" or "EEEEEEK! IT WAS SO AWESOME!" come out of my mouth even one more time, they are going to duct-tape it shut, because I've kinda worn the topic out over the last 6 days)Anyway. As you can see, Jim did a ton of stuff to my page, and it looks great (and he got rid of those annoying error messages, so those of you who keep using it as your excuse can come see the page more often now!) so now I'm a bit more motivated to add stuff. Keep your eyes peeled for new things on here in then next couple days. I'm going to add the Souix Falls Newspaper Review of the concert on my essays page, along with the lyrics to some Nick Drake (that's his last name! Drake! I remembered!) songs. I found some of my older poems in a discarded blue spiral bound notebook under my bed, plus I wrote several more in the 37 consecutive hours I had in the car with my family on our vacation. (Okay, maybe more like 10, but I think it's valid to multiply times the number of people in the vehicle, divided by the number of cubic feet in the vehicle, or something like that) But my point was, I will probably add some of those to my poetry page. As soon as I get a chance I will scan some more pictures to upload for you also. And I might put some things on the art page to if I get a chance. What kinds of things should I put on the art page? Hmmm. Ooh, and the profile, I'm not sure what information to put on there either. Let me know if there is anything specific I should post up there. I will also put my journals from the trip up there (in the archive section) just click on archive and scroll down a little ways to the little line of asterisks (*) and then read up from there if you want to start at the beginning of my trip. Hope that's not too confusing when I get it up there. Sorry. This entry is really dull. I'm just sortof thinking to myself, and somehow it ended up on here. Stephanie starts boot camp tomorrow. She said she's not scared at all, so I took it upon my self to be scared for her. I'm sure she will do okay. Youth group camp out was Friday and Saturday. Due to some extreme weather (which I really loved, but I'm afraid not everyone appreciated) we had to pack up at midnight last night and come home. That kinda sucked. I was having a really good time. (For the most part, but the part where I wasn't having a good time is a story for a whole seperate journal entry. Made yet another resolution to learn to play the guitar. Hmmm. Maybe one of you needs to keep me accountable about that. You should but me inseccently about it, and maybe I will then keep up with practicing. Well, look what this "short" entry turned into. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

June 20, 2001
Isn't it ironic how sometimes the most wonderful things in life are the most hidden, the least celebrated? I was at the library yesterday, just picking random CD's to bring along in my trip to MN, and I grabbed this one called An Introduction to Nick....oh, shoot, now I forgot what his last name is. I'll think of it sooner or later. Anyhow, the lyrics are soooooo beautiful. They are some of the most profound poetry I have ever read. Right up there with Ani :) (Who, by the way, I get to see on MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!) The lyrics are great, but the music is kinda wierd. Musically speaking, it's wonderful, cuz it's alot of this guy and his guitar, and then some of them have all kinds of different instruments, and some of them are kinda jazzy. But it was kinda eery. The sort of stuff they would play in a movie, if someone is sad and alone and dying or something. And this guys voice is rather haunting. (This was kinda crazy, because after I listened to the music, I read the CD sleeve, and it said that this Nick guy (what IS his name?) was just a sad lonely person who died twenty years ago from an accidental Anti-Depressant O.D.) So I turned off the CD, because it was kinda creeping me out, and just sat there for an hour or so reading the lyrics. But enough about that. Speaking of reading, I started a novel. (Reading, not writing. Someday I will write a novel, but not untill I complete the half written screenplay stashed under my bed, and not until I move out and don't have my parents hassling me all the time.) Anyhow. So I read a review of this book in a magazine, and went to the library and checked it out, and now I am almost half done with the first chapter, and all that, in and of itself, has given me a wonderful sense of accomplishment. That just goes to show what kind of great things I achieve in my life. The book is called White Teeth and the author is Zadie Smith, who is only 24 and very talented. It's a great book, so far. I will probably write a complete review of it when I finish. (Only 405 pages to go!) Oh geez! I had the most bizarre dream last night! I dreamt that my parents had arranged a marriage for me with this guy I had never met, and at first I didn't take them seriously, but when they started planning the wedding, I was just sort of like "Well, it will all fall through" and then it got down to, well, today, I guess, and my parents were like "are you ready for the wedding to whatshisface?" and I was just like "You're actually gonna make me marry this guy? I've never even met him!" But in that wierd "I'm not thinking rationally cuz it's a dream" kinda way, I was trying to be logical, and instead of freaking out, I was like "Maybe this really is God's plan for my life!" Isn't that psychotic? I wonder what brings weird things like this on. Hmmmm. On a more random note, Miss South Dakota and the guy from survivor (I think his name is Mitch) are sleeping at my house. My dad is telling me to go to bed, so I can't explain WHY these people are going to be at my house, so I will do that some other time. anyhow. Bye
~*Marci*~

June 15, 2001
Once again, I'm sorry for not keeping up with this. I have been so busy, but I am happy to say that I finally got almost all of my graduation thank you's out, and my bedroom is cleaner than it has probably been since last summer or so, so that's kind of relieving. Wow. These last couple of days have been kind of crazy. I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the social skills to deal with even the slightest relationship (or non-relationship, for that matter) dilemma. You would think that by not dating, a person could avoid this sort of crisis. Not true. I am now positive that the only way to rid yourself of this crap is to avoid any kind of relationship (friends, or something else) with people of the opposite sex altogether. All it takes to throw a wrench in a peaceful sort of life, is merely being cordial to a young man (this probably goes for young women as well, I suppose,) and before you know it, you are in a very undesirable situation that, as much as you would like to ignore it, requires some kind of action on your part. I am quite naive (nye-eeve, whatever) and was not actually aware of this kind of injustice, until about a month ago. But take my word, I am not making hasty assumptions on a single experience. No, no, no. I have, in the last month, encountered three, count them, three, situations on which to base my hypothesis. So. Upon saying all of that, I now would just like to say, to any one whom it may concern (that would be any boys who consider me a friend): I can no longer be your friend. I am incapable of dealing with any kind of uncomfortable situation that may arise out of misunderstandings. Okay, I'm kidding. About the friendship termination part. But I am afraid that I might be all to right about the incapability part. So, I suppose I will leave you with that. Congratulations on making it to the end of this rather bland journal entry, that probably gave you far more insight into my personal confusion that you really care to have. I'm sure at this point you are ready to read something poignant (I'm actually not certain what that word for sure means, but it sure is fun to say) so I highly recommend Jims journal at www.oocities.org/mij-pmaknerhav. Thanks for reading.
~*Marci*~
June 10, 2001
I am the stupidest person I know. ~*Marci*~
June 9, 2001
Wow. I love thunderstorms. They are so powerful. Sooooo. The topic for today's journal is....fly fishing!!!! No, actually, I don't know anything about fly fishing, so I couldn't write too much about it. Do you have anything you would like me to write about? I honestly do have things going on in my life, but they usually involve people, and I can't write much about individual people and post it on the internet and still sleep at night. I for one, would probably be slightly perturbed if I found that people were writing mean things about me on a web page. Not that I would only write mean things about these people, but....ugh! SHUT UP MARCI!!! Doesn't that annoy you when I ramble? It bugs the heck out of me that I can't think of anything intelligent to say. How come certain people, everything that comes out of their mouths is poetic, and then I can't even write a decent journal entry? At the moment my parents are in their room having a serious discussion about something. Probably me. Ha ha. That's usually what it is. Jamin is banging on the piano, just to piss Sarah off, because she's in her room crying and throwing a fit screaming at him to stop. Aaron is sitting here quietly reading over my shoulder. My dogs are off somewhere hiding from the thunder. How am I supposed to find a slice of sanity around here when it's like this? I wish I was a Monk. Just for a little while. It sounds really peaceful. Oh, guess what. (this is really shallow...oh well, humor me) I got my hair cut. A lot. You probably don't care, but it's pretty much the most exciting thing that happened to me today. Well, I am driving myself insane, sitting here thinking of things to talk about, so I'm going to quite writing until I can think of something good. Bye.

 June 7, 2001
I wrote a whole entry here this afternoon, and then I came back and read it just now, and realized it was really dumb. I checked my stats, and no one had read it yet, so I deleted it and decided to start over. Ha ha. Sometimes I write the stupidest things on here, and then I realize that even though not very many people read it, anybody could. I have to kind of edit things once in a while. But anyway. Life is grand. My friend Josh went to Disney World and actually found Cinderella and had her autograph a postcard for me. Nothing is happier than getting mail from fairy tale characters. Oh yes. And another happy thing! We finally have a drummer for our youth group praise band. Everybody else does a really great job, but the drums kind of get people into it more. People were actually singing last night, so that was an answer to the prayer I guess I forgot to pray. My friends Alicia and Andrea are back visiting from Utah. Alicia's getting married in August, so her aunt is having a bridal shower for her here, since none of us can go to Utah for the wedding, but I can't go, because I work. Crap. I really love my job, I just hate actually having a real schedule. Wow. Everybody is getting married this summer. I can not imagine getting married in the next...10 years. Craziness. I slept in untill about 11 today, and went to work in the church office until 4. They changed my schedule at the Friendship Factory ( by the way, you should all come see me there...I'll stuff a...moose for you)so I didn't have to work there tonight. So I came home and colored my side walk for a while (you can come see that too, if you want, before it rains)and then went shopping with some gift certificates that I got for graduation. I bought this really great worship CD. It's wonderful. Let's see. Wow. I had a boring day. It must seem even more boring from your point of view. Well then I came home and worked on my other job for an hour. It's a tele-marketing job. The actuall job itself is rather undesireable. Okay, it sucks. Who wants to have a job where all you do is piss people off? And it's not like you can help it either. No matter how nice you are, no one wants to talk to a telemarketer. The only reason I do it is because I get paid to piss people off, and I can do it sitting on my bed in my pajamas. Moving along. Then I went down to the Radisson to hear the jazz combo (I think they're called Swing Shift) that plays every Thursday night, but of course, they play in the bar, so Steph and I have to listen from the gift shop. So then I went out to Pier One (which is one of my very favorite places) with my mom to shop for wedding gifts (like I said, everybody is getting married this summer) and then I came home and we planned our trip to Minneapolis. If I can survive the car ride with my family, I think it will be a fun trip. So now it's 1:47 am, and I have to work at 11 tomorrow, and go running, and clean my room, and iron the dress that I'm wearing to Sam and Abby's wedding, and mail thank you notes, and buy paint all before I go to work. So now I'm going to bed. And I just wrote approximately 765 words about absolutely nothing. Good night.
~*Marci*~ June 2, 2001 (I added some more to the end of this entry, just so you know, in case you already read this, and think I'm not writing enough...or something)
I am in a decidedly more positive mood than I was last night. Sorry, I don't think I am actually a very negative person. I perceive myself as being rather chipper most of the time.(Although, I have learned that my perception of myself usually differs greatly from other peoples perception of me. If I could have one super power, it would be that I could either read peoples minds or be invisible and listen to what they say about me behind my back...because I haven't got a clue) I think that is why when I write, the more negative side of me shows up. Cuz people can't be chipper in every aspect of their life. Well, maybe they could, but life would seem stupid then. If you don't get angry about things once in a while, that has got to get very very boring. Well, I'm keeping this short, cuz I'm going to clean my room and then go over to my friend Marci's house (no, I don't refer to myself in the third person...it's a different Marci, for anyone who doesn't know) ((see? that was a dumb comment I just put in parentheses. Sometimes I don't know why I write the things I do)) to watch some movies or something. I might write more tonight, to answer Jims perplexing question. Bye.
June 2, cont.
I'm back for a very short period of time. The question was, "Wouldn't it be great to be some one else right now and doing something better?" The answer, in the most obvious sense, is of course, yes. It would always be great to be doing something better. It would really be great to be someone and something better. That is not arguable. No one wants to be "worse". I can't think of much else more terrible than being content with the current "goodness" of one self. It would be dreadful to live such a stagnant life. But when you look at the Biblical sense of it, (which I must admit is not always the part I like to look at, but nonetheless, the most significant point of view) God says we were placed where we are, who we are, with the people we are with "...for such a time as this." This is a concept of which I have yet to grasp understanding. I look at where I am, and who I am, and some of the people in my life, and I just want to say "God! What the hell are you thinking???". Okay. I admit. I don't just want to say that. I say that. I say the word hell to God. Is that bad? Anyway. I'm being redundant now. Know what? I was driving home from my friends house, in the rain (after I hit her neighbors car, but that's an irrelevant tangent, so nevermind) and I suddenly had this great longing to be on a farm. With corn, and a very simple white farm house with wood floors. And horses to ride. And cows. (I wish I knew how to milk a cow...that seems something everyone should know how to do) It seemed so serene. I don't know what made me think that. Oh. Oh. Oh. AHHHHHHH! People can be so frustrating sometimes! Especially those of the opposite sex.(This is a totally different train of though from the farm thing. Haha. You're probably thinking...okay, what guy pissed her off talking about farms) No one can argue with that, right? No matter what gender you are. Well, that's another tangent, and I should be heading off to bed. But this is enough sensless jabber to last all you faithful readers (or something like that...haha) for a while. Thanks for reading. Goodnight.
~*Marci*~ June 1, 2001
Yawn...hmmm. 1:24 AM. I am supposed to work at 9 tomorrow, but the last three days I was scheduled, and they didn't need me, because they over staffed, because they were expecting more business. I wish I could have worked today and taken tomorrow off, being as it's Saturday, and I have to miss Mary's bridal shower. I'm missing her wedding also, I will be in MN. I'm also missing my friends. Four of them moved away this week, and my friend Steph is leaving this month also. Her and I went star gazing tonight. It was great fun.(The moon was really really bright...I don't think I've seen it like that before...it was beautiful) I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her in forever, and she's a great person to talk to. But my parents were slightly perturbed when I didn't call at midnight like I said I would (they called me at 12:06...honestly, is that unreasonable?) and made me come home then. AHHHHH! This parent, child, authority, I've grown up and need some freedom thing, is causing a great amount of distress in my life lately. I wrote a poem about it, which I would post, but I'm to lazy to go up to my bedroom and find the notebook I scrawled it in. I just don't understand why they can't manage to back off a bit. It seems that the older I get, the more control they want to have. Well, I'm getting really sleep now, so I think I might just go to bed. I have to get up in 5 1/2 hours. If anybody is reading this, let me know. I apologize for the oh-so-lame entries lately. It sounds as if I have nothing on my mind to write about, but the actual case, I believe, is that I have far too many things recently, and it is hard to pick out just a few and make sense of them. It's hard to make sense of anything as of late. Forgive me. I will not feel bad if you quit wasting your time reading this. I sound unhappy, don't I? I wouldn't say that I am unhappy, simply discontent. Two very different things. Well, not entirely discontent. Mostly discontent, with moments of pure bliss mixed in. But that is life, and you can't change that. Okay, I really am exhausted now. Good night.
~*Marci*~
May 28, 2001
Wow. I made it. As of yesterday, I am an educated person with a highschool diploma. I don't feel any different than when I was 12. Although, I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever FEEL older than 12. So that's that. Not terribly exciting. I had these great plans with a couple of friends to go canoeing(is that how you spell that?)after graduation, but amidst receptions and parties and visiting grandparents, and dinner and all, our plans kinda fell through, so I ended up heading over to Sharlissa's house at about 10:30. We sat around being indecisive untill 11 and then we got in the car to go out to The Joshua Tree. At this point I called my mother, like I told her I would, to let her know what our plan was, whereupon, after a couple more calls, I was told that my parents were disappointed in me and that I needed to tell my friends to turn around and bring me back to my car, and that if I wasn't home by midnight, I should fear for my life. I don't understand. At what point will they ever let me make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes? Okay, recalling the whole situation is just making me bitter again, and that can't be good. So anyway. I began (for the tenth time or so) learning how to play the guitar today. But this time, I really am going to learn. I'm already way ahead of where I ever got the last 9 times. I've learned how to tune it to itself, and about 9 different chords. I can't switch between them, but I can play them one at a time. And my fingers really hurt. So that has to count for something. Well, this entry was basically futile. I'll try again tomorrow. Sorry
~*Marci*~ May 25, 2001
The clock on the bottom of my computer moniter reads 2:52 AM. I am on my third cup of coffee. (Actually, they have all been 1/2 Hazelnut Coffeemate, so it's only like 1 1/2 cups) I don't know what posessed me to suddenly start drinking coffee 2 weeks ago. I don't even like it that much. I used to buy cups of it just to hold and smell, because it reminded me of over night road trips in the minivan, when my dad would drink 5 thermos's full in a 24 hour period. He could pour and drive at the same time. That fascinated me. Twenty-five years from now, I will have brown stains on my teeth, my kidneys will be all out of whack, and it will take me a half a pot just to stay awake through the morning carpool. I will blame my father. Last weekend was out senior trip to Denver. I think I talked less in that 4 day period than I do in a typical hour. I think it is kind of funny how if you are quiet people assume that something is wrong. If you are alone, they assume you are lonely. The art of observance has become nearly extinct. I was not sad (well, maybe a little bit) or lonely. I was simply dwelling on the realization that God had put so many fascinating people in my life, and I was rather disgusted that i hadn't put any sincere effort into getting to know them before now, and to be reasonable, it,s essentially too late to start. So maybe I should learn the lesson. You know how people find celebrities incredibly intruiging? Not just people in the entertainment business, but political figures and such, etc. Well I don't think it was always these peoples amazing personalities that got them where they are. They just fell into particular circumstances (I guess I shouldn't say fell, God put them there) The point I'm trying to make is, anybody can look amazing if their picture is on 1/2 the magazines in the checkout line at Safeway, you know? Maybe the kid across the street could play basketball better than Michael Jordan if he would put down the gameboy. Maybe the lady on the subway could have found a cure for cancer if she could have payed for college. Maybe the stockbroker writes some of the most profound essays, but keeps them stashed in a shoebox under his bed. We raise public figures up so much, like they are better than the person next door, when maybe we are looking the most brilliant and incredible people right in the face and not realizing it. EEEEEK! I make myself naseaous (nahw-shuss...I can't spell)when I try to be philosophical. I ask you again. Why are you reading this? Write me. Let me know. Who is reading this crap?
~*Marci*~< May 17, 2001
Wow! I'm writing in here alot lately! Which is really surprizing, when I think about how busy I've been. I had to run out to the mall between schools today, just because that's the only time I have between now and graduation. Oh well. After that I probably won't know what to do with my self. This is my last day of multimedia class if you don't count finals day. In fact, I am dreadfully bored right now, and I think I might just get up and leave. We are just watching other peoples power points right now. This has got to be about the fifth project on pick-up trucks. We have also had several on snowboarding and extreme sports. Ooh, this one is good. It's about Barbies. Okay. Definately enough of this. Time to go. Oh wait. I did have somehting to write about last night. Oh well. I'm going to Denver tomorrow, so I probably won't write for a while. But all the people that read this probably either already knew that, or are going with me. Oh no! I am so obnoxious! Why are you reading this????
~*Marci*~
May 16, 2001
Whoohoo! I was supposed to start training for my new job this afternoon, but I just talked to my boss and we had to reschedule for tomorrow, which makes my life significantly simpler for the time being. AHHHHHH! Guess what! I get to go to an Ani DiFranco concert!!!! I am so excited! A bunch of my friends from here are going, and I will be coming back from Minneapolis, so I will meet them all in S.F. Wow. That makes me so happy. She is such a wonderful artist. Let's see. I can't think of anything to write. Oh! Here's something else that makes me cheerful. I got my grade on my 2000 word british literature term paper, which I didn't even think about untill 12 hours before it was due. A 98%!! Can you believe that! Wow! Good things come to those who wait. Let's see. What other information and non-beneficial details of my life can I bore you with? My friend Sharlissa had to write an essay about what being a Christian means to her. She let me read it, and I must say, I found it rather interesting, but I keep reading it over and over. It's alot to take in. Some interesting concepts. See? Now isn't it crazy that I told you that? Because now you're either thinking "Well what did the essay say?" or you're very apathetic, and you're thinking "Why should I care if Sharlissa wrote an essay". So I don't know why I bothered to bring it up in the first place, because the essay is really too much to go into at the moment anyhow. Well., I’ll just leave you with a quote by my brilliant friend Kristin (Sharlissa put it in her essay, so I’ve been dwelling on it for a while) When asked if she wished for the answers she replied: “Of course not. I can only wish that I will someday learn to ask the right questions.” Isn’t that great? Think about it.
~*Marci*~ May 14, 2001
Whew! What a day! Actually, I suppose I could start by telling you about my weekend first. We (Stevens and Centrals Concert Choirs) left about 6:00 Friday morning for Denver. We had dinner and then went to an opera that night. We saw "Orpheus" which was absolutely spectacular. The theater was incredible. It is fairly new, and is completely round (it was actually just supposed to be a concert hall when they made it, so parts of the stage are built out over the seats) It was so wonderful. We had terrible seats, but we moved down after intermission. It was beautiful! I loved it. After that we just went back to our hotel. The next morning we went and sang at the capitol and then went shopping on 16th St. Mall. I found the best little Tibetan shop, that had all this great stuff imported from Nepal, so I bought some gorgeous little journals made out of rice paper. I also met this beautiful guy who was sitting on the sidewalk playing a beautiful blue guitar. I talked to him for a while, and he said he was just learning, and he didn't actually play very well, but I gave him some money because....well, just because. After that we went to a rockies game, which kinda sucked. I don't appreciate many sports other than hockey and rugby, but I decided to make a concious and deliberate effort to pay attention. I didn't know the last thing about baseball. Now I do, thanks to the poor guy, Eric, who I sat by, and asked questions of the whole first 3 innings. After that I decided I had learned all I needed to know, and moved up into the shade with my cotton candy. Following the game we ate at Caso Bonita, the no-fail solution for any group of tourists (riiiiight) and got sick. Then we went back to the hotel and practiced for our concert (which is tonight) for an hour in the parking lot, during which, some very bored teenage guys decided to film themselves streaking past us. Creative. You got to give them that. We left to come home at about 5:00 Sunday morning. So that was Denver, and I get to go back again this Friday. Pops concert tonight, and it's going to be aweful. Yuck. Well, I was going to write about my day, but now I'm sick of typing. Maybe I'll come back later if I have time. I think I'm going to go find somehting to eat right now.
~*Marci*~ May 9, 2001
I feel kinda guilty sitting here not doing any thing productive. Oh well. I'll do something productive later. This is my first Wednesday not taking care of George. Freedom is blessed, but I miss him. Isn't that dumb how attatched you can get to people? Three days a week, every week for over a year will do that to you I guess. Anyway. Ugh. Sometimes I can't think of anything intelligent to say. We are talking about feminism in my Bible class right now, and I find it rather confusing. How much equality can we, as girls, demand, without being unbiblical? God obviously made men and women vastly diWell, here I am again. I feel rather guilty sitting here right now, I should probably be doing something fferent, and I'm sure he has good reason, thought anyone has yet to figure why. But there are still things that I consider injustices towards the female race. Am I right in whining about these? No, I suppose not. Whining is usually wrong, no matter what it's cause. But you know what I mean. Somthings aren't fair. No wait, I need to back-track. I said that there are lots of injustices towards the female race, but there is probably an equal number of injustices agains the opposite sex also. They are just different kinds of injustices. And we, as women, naturally make a bigger deal out of it. Well if any of you have great insight, feel free to enlighten me. Hmmm. I'm irritated with my writing. I get so restless lately. But only 13 days or so of school left to go, and then I will maybe wish that I hadn't taken it all for granted. I shouldn't complain though. I leave for a choir trip to Denver on Friday. We come home on Mothers day, have a pops concert on Monday and Tuesday, training for my new job on Wednesday and Thursday, and leave Friday for Denver again. And the next weekend is graduation. So things are allready flying by. Well, I can't think of anything worthwhile to say. If I come up with any deep thoughts, I might write more later tonight. Bye. (It's your turn to write now, Jim)
~*Marci*~
April 30, 2001
Well kids, I'm finally back. I apologize for being so unfaithful about writing in here. Hopefully when school is finally out, and highschool is finally over, I will have more time for things like folding my clothes, painting, decorating my room, eating, watering my plants, jogging, keeping this journal. (Wow! I didn't realize how much I've been neglecting in the last couple of months!) Maybe I will even buy a fish. Yes, I think I will do that. One of those pretty Beta's. I haven't had a fish in a very long time. Hmmm. Well anyway. Do you ever feel like you have so much in your life that you could write about, and then when you actually sit down to do that, you can't think of anything? Soooo. I should copy some of the entries out of my notebook. I have found that it is far more convenient to jot things down with a pen between classes (or during classes for that matter) than it is to find time at the computer. We started our power point projects in multimedia class, and I am doing mine on Broadway shows, because I figured it would be easy. I was right. But it is time consuming nonetheless. Let's see. Nothing super interesting going on in my life. I am honestly so dreadfully sick of hearing about prom and banquet and everything, I could jump off a building, but since it seems everyone else wants to hear about it, I will humor you all. (Geez, I sound far more cynical than I actually am. Sorry.)Steph and AJ and I decided to boycott prom and leave town, but our plans, along with our budgets, dwindled down over the last couple of months, so we ended up getting all dolled up and having McDonalds and Subway in the park. Then we fed the ducks, went home and changed and then went to the video store. We were all having a blast untill this point, where we had a small disagreement, that somehow caused all hell to break loose, and now neither one of them are talking to each other. Agh! If either of you are reading this, good. I love you both dearly, and that is why I can't believe you let something this juvenile ruin our evening. I could care less if we rented Silence of the Lambs, or Care Bears Learn to Share, so I can't figure out what the big deal is. Ok. I'm sorry. This is neither the time, nor the place, and I really really really need to shut up before I just get myself in more trouble than I already have. Geez. I'm retarded. Okay. It's. time to go.
~*Marci*~ April 16, 2001
Hi everybody. I hope you all had a great long weekend/Easter. Mine was nice minus one major emotional trauma at about 4 a.m. Saturday morning, but I think I've recovered. Well, I have nothing much to write about right now, but I think I'm going to add a bunch of stuff to my poetry page, so check it out if you want to. I would really love some feed-back if you feel so inclined...sometimes all this typing can seem rather futile
~*Marci*~
April 12, 2001
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I haven't gotten more entries in here. I have been insanely busy lately. But I guess that's not really an excuse, because almost everybody I know is insanely busy. I did write one entry in here on Sunday morning at about 6:45 am, but, being as I never went to bed the night before, and then having the traumatic experience of having my car ravaged (along with 17 others that happened to be in the Stevens parking lot at that ungodly hour of the morning) I was rather incoherent, and somehow, after writing an entire entry about how angry and personally offended I was that someone would break my car window and then empty my entire backpack onto the parking lot, I accidently deleted instead of saved, or something or other, and now that entry isn't here. But anyhow. It amazes me how much I can jabber about one dumb thing. Hmmm. I am very very very happy right now, because it is spring, and lovely outside, and birds are singing, and as dumb as it is, I really happen to like the $6 skirt that I am wearing, and oh! I just really want to go on a picnic. Maybe I will. Steph and AJ and I are celebrating AJ's birthday tonight, so maybe I can talk them into a picnic instead of going to dinner. Hmmmm. I am also very angry right now. Irate even. I can't really write about it, because even if no one ever reads this, I would feel guilty writing stuff about specific people on here, without them knowing it. Not that I could explain it if I did decide to write about it. I'm angry at me for being who I am, and I am angry at one of my friends for being who she is, and I am angry at the guy (didn't I just say I wasn't going to do this?) who was holding her hand at the coffee shop, because I don't know him very well, but I don't think he is even close to being worthy of her, and I'm angry that she doesn't realize that, and angry that he would dare to think he was worthy of her, and angry that I can't tell her that. Never mind. I'm not making any sense. I don't know how to say what I mean. Hmmmm. I'll probably just keep worrying about it. Okay, the bell is ringing in two minutes. Sorry I couldn't be of any philisophical inspiration or anything. I will work harder on that.
~*Marci*~

April 6, 2001
I once again am in multimedia class. From this window, it looks very foggy outside, but I wish I was out there. Don't you ever just get fed up with life, and suddenly, you want more than anything to just take off running and running, and see where you end up? I feel like doing that right now. Although this drama called Stevens Singers can be very entertaining, it can also be emotionally exhausting sometimes. This whole deal with the musical is enough to make everybody very uptight. And I'm sort of torn between being loyal to and sympathizing with my friends, and at the same time, completely respecting my teachers opinion. (Who, for some reason, thinks that I hate her.) But anyway, opening night was last night, and the show went remarkably well. (Despite my opinions of the repetoire, which is an issue for another day.)Hmmm. I skipped my first two classes today, mostly just because I wasn't prepared for the four tests I would have had to take. Man, I am being such a slacker this year. I seem to have completely lost all motivation to do my schoolwork. This is a very bad thing. It is also a bad thing to go to bed after 3 a.m. every night for a week. In fact, it is a bad thing for you to be on an Eastern Asian schedule when you live in South Dakota. (I eat breakfast at 3 p.m., lunch at 5 p.m. and dinner at 1 a.m. I am afraid this is not normal)However. Enough dwelling on my stress-inducing abnormalities. My trip to Wyoming last weekend was a lot of fun. At least I thought so. It was kind of a nightmare for those people who don't like jazz. But our schedule was pretty layed back, so it was nice to just hang out with everybody. Ha ha. My friends and I got to eat dinner at a German strip-club. Well, actually, it took them an hour and a half to get us our food, so we had to have them box it all up and then we ran the 3 blocks back to the college and ate on the sidewalk in the dark. (Yes Jenny, you're not the only sentimental person in the world, I know what you mean about having a video camera for those times when....nevermind, I'm getting all teary eyed. Just kidding.)But we got some very good free cheesecake out of the deal. Then we went to the most phenomonal jazz concert. It was incredible! This jazz combo made up of five legendary jazz musicians played for 2 1/2 hours! I absolutely loved it. It was beautiful. Ahhh. I hate writing when I don't feel like it. I am very glad it is Friday. Well, I think I am going to go now. I still have 10 minutes left of class, but I am blabbering aimlessly, so I better shut up.
~*Marci*~

April 4, 2001
Well, here I finally am again. Sorry I haven't done anything on my page in a long time, things just seem to get more and more hectic around here. Since it's nearly 1:00 I think I will keep this short tonight. Ummm....lets see. Ha ha. My AOL welcome screen had this hyper link to go chat with "Survivor" fans about who was going to win, and I'm thinking, "Who has time to do this kind of thing? I mean, watching the show is one thing, but what loser wants to waste his time sitting in front of a computer, typing with complete strangers about something so completely futile? Ha ha. If these people are really that bored, I would be happy to pay them to write college scholarship essays for me. Oh, and while I'm on that topic, I might as well warn you. If another person asks me what I am going to do when I graduate, I will have to resort to violent measures. For your safety, I will tell you right now. The following are all things I plan to do with my life. More to come. I will have to keep you all updated.
*Architecture
*Interior Design
*Play Cinderella at Disney World
*Inner-city missions
*Foreign missions
*Journalism
*Travel Agent
*Own a hand-painted furniture boutuiqe on a boardwalk on the East coast
*Deal antiques
*Write write write (ha ha...you're reading these entries thinking "There is no way she is going to get people to pay her to do this)
*Wedding Coordinator
*Screenwriting
*Photography
*Film
*Public Relations
*Youth Ministry
*Have a family
*Live on a houseboat in Sausolito, and make a living by sitting on a sidewalk by Giradelli Square, painting pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge
*Live in a white clay house in Greece, with red begonias in the window, and a blue moped to get around
*Work as an EMT for an ambulance company
These are all in no particular order, so quit asking what I intend to do first. Your guess is as good as mine. Sorry, It's late. I'm kind of crabby. On a brighter note. Youth group tonight went awesome. It was very exciting. God is so faithful. We have a gazillion things planned, and I can't wait. Oh, I just remembered what it was that I was going to write about tonight. My older brothers friend Adam was in a four-wheeling accident a couple of months ago, and now he is a paraplegic. He is doing really really really well, and came back to school to visit today. But inspite of how good he looks, considering the circumstances, I couldn't help but be reminded that we aren't as invinsible as we think we are, and our lives can be completely changed in a moment. So, I know that's corny, but think about it a little bit. As usual, I just wrote far more than I intended to, and it was far more shallow than I like to admit I am, so I will just use the excuse that it is really late and I'm exhausted. Good night.
~*Marci*~

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