Bin Laden

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BIN LADEN
1957-2031

Bin Laden (no relation to Osama Bin Laden) is a very angry person obsessed with hijacking. He's hijacked tricycles, strollers, walkers, canes, crouches and wooden legs. Even though he hates America, he tends to wear American clothing all the time. When asked why he hates America, he replies "Because that band sucks!"
Bin Laden was born in a cave many feet above the ground in a desert of Saudi Arabia on March the 10th of 1957 to Tin and Can Laden. It was and still is of Middle Eastern custom to inhabit in caves away from modern civilization. Bin Laden grew up playing with dirt and drawing diagrams on the ground and walls. Often he was noticed drawing airplanes flying above tall buildings. His parents took it as a sign of interest toward aviation or architecture. Growing up in a cave was hard for little Bin. Since he was not allowed to the outdoors, he had very little space to interact. His bedroom and bathroom were only separated by a mat and bucket. In fact, the Ladens residence was a single-room cave. The family had to eat, sleep and do their nature necessities right there and then. There was no privacy among them. Due to this, in several occassions, Bin was caught masturbating himself while their parents made love just 2 or 3 feet away from him.
When the proper time came, Bin Laden was enrolled in school. The only school in town at the time, Nuke U.S.A. Elementary.

Bin Laden posing for the camera in his 'made in El Salvador' Nike Air Max shirt.

There he learned crafts and trades of all kinds. The school curriculum taugh Workship to Allah and Hate to U.S.A. Soon enough, Bin Laden attended Nuke U.S.A High School. Their high schools are a bit different from the western hemisphere. There, students learn about firearms, bombs, and missiles. Learning how to read and write and general education subjects are strictly forbidden. All males are required to attend college. The women are not allowed to do anything except to obey their husbands and comply with all sexual acts. Being a male, Bin Laden went to college. He and his fellow mates, were taugh Suicide Bombing, Passional Hatred to Americans, Hijacking, Car bombing, Drive-by Shootings, and Terrorism 101. Students with a 3.5 G.P.A or higher go a special university. Their G.P.A is determided in how many American kills they commit. G.P.A. in their native land is called T.A.K. or Total American Kills. Bin Laden scored very high when his college board examination came. He was then sent to Nuke U.S.A Special University. There he learned Leadership. Before he knew it, he was receiving his degree. At Graduation, he gave a speech. His most memorable quote was, "We will attack!" Now a college graduate, Bin Laden took a job as leader of a Terrorrist group called Bin Laden's Terrorist Group of Terrorists.
In 1975, Bin Laden came to United States using a fake American passport. Hearing this was the land of opportunities, he came to look for a job. His first jobs included blowing up U.S. embassies and other federal buildings. His colleages were busy back in their native land blowing up U.S. federal property. Finally, Bin Laden landed in Hollywood. He took parts in several films. He played the bad guy on all movies.
Today, Bin Laden still recides underground in a cave, he only comes out to film movies and to hijack something. After he completes a mission, he returns to hibernation to plan a new attack. He is also known for drawing his plan attacks on the ground. When asked why not use a erasable whiteboard with erasable dry markers, he responds. "On board, erased material may still be visible through light glare. On ground is safer, I can just use my feet and erase all of it. There are no chances of evidence left behind. -- Besides, I tape all my plan attacks with digital camara. I am not totally bond to antiquity."*

FILMOGRAPHY

Airport 1975 (1974)
Airport '77 (1977)
Airplane! (1980)
Airplane 2: The Sequel (1982)
Delta Force, The (1986)
Air America (1990)
Passenger 57 (1992)
Under Siege (1992)
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
Executive Decision (1996)
Air Force One (1997)
Con Air (1997)
Turbulence (1997)
The Siege (1998)
Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying (2000)
Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)
The MarioMan Movie: Part 3 (2002)
Boink 747 Jumbo Package (2003)

Here Bin Laden poses to the camera as he rests at a suite at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills.