March 20, 2005 - yeah I know, I'm a shit when it comes to new reviews - but I've been busy with all my...you know...um...
Ok, I'm just a lazy fuck.
The Ring Two
2005
Directed by Hideo Nakata
Starring: Naomi Watts as Rachel, David Dorfman as Aidan, and Gary Cole (Lumberg from Office Space) as a real estate agent.
J-Rock's Review: Complete and utter waste of fucking film.
Holy crap. I don't know where to begin. This movie was just totally and completely pointless.
I really really liked The Ring and its Japanese original Ringu, so I figure this one would be pretty cool. Boy was I fucking wrong.
Here's a quick summary: dumb-as-bricks blonde and annoying-as-fuck son still being harassed by dead girl from beyond the grave via the TV set.
Here's a quick storyboard: boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, cheap scare, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, moronic dialogue between Rachel and Aidan, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, cheap scare, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, horrible dialogue, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, cheap scare, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, boring scene, stupid cop-out explanation, Naomi Watts' nipples, ridiculous resolution, retarded happy ending.
Not even throwing Naomi down a well and showcasing her rock-hard nips again can save this shitty movie.
It's bad enough that this movie blows on its own, but on top of that, it's the same fucking movie as Ju-on/The Grudge and Dark Water - malevolent dead person haunts some people in a creepy house/apartment through water and/or the television. This is actually not a coincidence - the director of Ring 2 also wrote Dark Water. Maybe he thought if he used a smoking hot blonde in one movie (Naomi Watts) and a gorgeous brunette in the other (Jennifer Connelly), no one would notice. The similarities to Dark Water were made painfully obvious when they showed the fucking trailer for it before Ring 2!!!!!!
The other thing I've learned from all these Japanese-inspired horror movies is that the Japanese are very afraid of telephones. Oh yeah - watch any of these fucking movies (American or Japanese versions) and anytime a phone rings, the characters on screen shit their pants. Add in the fear of televisions conveyed in the Ring movies, and I'm surprised the Japanese ever invented anything.
Much like the Scream-type movies ran their course and have faded away, I hope that this style of horror movie is on its way out. They can only make the same damn movie so many times.
One last yummy shot of Naomi before her career dries up like a puppy left in a car on a hot day:
