Laurence and Maurice met in the Finsbury Park Company of the Jewish Lads' Brigade in 1960 and are both still awaiting their first promotion.
They became full-time scriptwriters in 1980, since then they have written a plethora of hit series, including: Birds of a Feather, Goodnight Sweetheart, Shine On Harvey Moon, Love Hurts, and The New Statesman.
Last Quango In Harris
What happens to civil servants who need to be disposed of?
You transfer them to a remote island in Scotland where they are employed by an obscure body known simply as the T.R.L.C.
In a parallel universe we meet Robin Cruise, who arrives thanks to an administrative cock-up. Robin meets his new workmates, suspicious in case he's a spy sent to discover their escape plans.
But when he rescues Julian from drowning, they take him into their confidence. Robin can't quite believe any of it, but when he tries to get off the island, the penny drops.
They really are all prisoners. Robin makes an ally of the local publican Freya and with her help, plans to escape the island once and for all… as long as police sergeant De'ath doesn't scupper his plans.
The opening scenes are not available but the essence of the competition was to complete the final ten minutes of the sitcom script. Now that we can assume that I have not won the competition. No one called me. The following was my entry, here for prosterity:
Scene 11
Ext. Back Road towards Stornaway. In Car. Day Two – that evening.
An anxious Robin hurtles toward the neighbouring Stornaway already planning the next Rangers match he will attend in celebration. He sees the lights up ahead and notices what seems to be a checkpoint of sorts. He hits the breaks realising that running through the barrier a la The A-Team probably wouldn’t be a good idea in a Seat Ibiza.
A figure shines the flashlight into the widscreen and the eyes of Robin right up until they are upto the side of the car. The light clicks off and an upbeat voice greets him.
DE’ATH
You’re a slippery bugger, Crews. You even eluded me there for about 10 minutes....
Now, out of the car!”
ROBIN
Checkpoint Charlie aswell, are we?
DE’ATH
It would be wise to co-operate, son...
ROBIN (laughing)
Listen Vernon, you can’t stop me from leaving anymore and I think it’s a trifle unfair, the way you keep Freya and the others hostage here... I won’t stand for it. As soon as I get to the mainland, i’m reporting...
DE’ATH
Just get out of the car, ya yellow finyan, yea’
ROBIN
I’m not getting out of the car.
Robin is grabbed through the window and he steps out of the car preparing to honour not only his name but for his beautiful Freya. He rolls up his sleeves and goes to swing at De’ath and hears footseps approaching behind him. Robin bears the worst of this scuffle with two men. It is Geoffrey. He slaps a pair of cuffs onto his wrists and is bundled into the back of Freya’s car. They poorly close the door next Robin who pops the door and rolls onto the tarmac as the car begins to pull away with De’ath and Geoffrey occupying the front seats.
He picks himself up, wrists still cuffed in front of him and immediately dashes into the woods.
The car stops and the two men look slowly into the back seat.
GEOFFREY
The boss ain’t gonna be too happy with us.
Scene 12
Ext. Woodland. A couple of minutes later. A helicopter hovers above. Robin struggles through the bushes without his hands to hold back the foliage. He keeps his head down and runs as fast as he can, continuing to pick himself up from every broken fall.
CAPTION: Half an hour later.
He senses that he is not being followed but he cannot be so sure. He looks around for a place to hide. He enters through more desolate woodland, searching for any signs of a track or path. He sees lights and images through the trees a hundred metres ahead of him and he stealthly approaches the sounds with care.
He pulls the foliage to one side to reveal a clearing.
C.U. of Robin’s shocked face.
Cut to image of a branch of Starbucks set in the middle of nowhere in the approached clearing. There are no signs of any cars or customers on the inside. Robin checks around himself and dashes across the clearing upto the side of the building.
He glances inside and sees no danger, dashing inside.
Scene 13
Int. Starbucks in the middle of nowhere.
ROBIN (to puzzled Barista)
Hi, Can I use your bathroom? I really need to go.
Barista nonchalantly points the handcuffed visitor to the bathroom.
ROBIN
Thanks
Scene 14
Int. Bathroom/Starbucks in the middle of nowhere. Robin takes a seat in a stall and ponders on what on earth he is going to do next to the sound of the tinkle of urine and a satisfied sigh. A knock raps on the door.
ROBIN
Hey, I’m nearly done in here... Jesus.
FREYA
Is that the great warrior, Asgaut?
ROBIN
Freya? What are you doing here? Good god...
Toilet flushes. Robin appears from behind the cubicle door and launches toward Freya for a hug only to knock her on the nose with his cuffed wrists. He looks to one side in further shock to also see Julian, who dives into his pocket and produces a key in which he applys to the restraints.
ROBIN
I never thought I’d say this but I’m actually really pleased to see you... You never guess who abducted me... wait... how did you? Where did you? Who?
Freya plants a kiss on the lips of Robin and starts to talk in the most perfect english accent, much to Robin’s surprise.
FREYA
Robin, we must take you from here, we have so much to tell you but you must promise us one thing...
ROBIN (curtly)
That all depends on what actually...
FREYA
Promise me! If you don’t, i’ll have Julian will put the cuffs back on and we will leave you to it in the solitary branded coffeeshop and the desolate woodland, ok?
ROBIN (sheepish then desperately)
I promise... what?
FREYA
That you will not leave the island and you will help us.... we need you.
Robin scowls at his cuffs.
FREYA
Seriously, How long do you expect to survive on skinny peach and raspberry muffins?
Scene 15
Int. Underground Cavern. Day Three-Morning
We see De’ath and Geoffrey skulk into the vast open air cavern and walk around an underground lake to a long white marble dining table. A white arctic tiger is chained to a corner and chewing on a large piece of meat.
GEOFFREY (whispering)
You remember what happened to Macavennie, don’t you? This still haven’t discovered the body... Don’t those big cats devour every last thing that is put in front of them?
DE’ATH
Hush, man.
THE BOSS
GENTLEMEN!
A voice bellows from a chair at the head of the table. Cut to the image of the back of a large chair. We cannot see who occupies the chair. The two men cower, carefully negotiating the side of the lake which gently laps by their feet from some indescribable creature somewhere in the water.
THE BOSS
...I trust this matter has been taken care of?
DE’ATH
We have the situation in hand, boss... I promise you Crews will not be a threat to us.
THE BOSS
You are aware of the capabilities of this man, do you not? He is a very dangerous individual...
DE’ATH
We are more than aware...
THE BOSS
...I don’t have to tell you how I deal with problems, do I gentlemen?
The two men shake their heads.
...When people upset me and cause me problems, I become theirs, understood?
The two men nod their heads.
Take care of it.
He pulls at the chain of the tiger who tenses up and roars. The two men hurry backwards towards the exit and back round the side of the lake.
Scene 16
Int. Stormy Petrel Inn. Day Three – Day
FREYA
Did you sleep well, Mr. Crews?
ROBIN (Sat up in bed and holding his arms out for a hug)
Oh Freya my darling, I had this terrible dream that you turned into some vile spoonfed product of an all girls school in Hertfordshire...
Freya, still besuited and powerdressed frowns toward him and Julian appears and Robin jumps in his skin.
ROBIN
...and of course that wasn’t a dream and you are still a vile... I love what you have done with your hair this morning!
FREYA
That is part of what I need to tell you, I’m afraid. I must admit firstly that we were rather unwise to send you off in my car...
ROBIN (warily)
Yeah, about your car...
FREYA
That’s not a concern, we needed to see if you were upto the job, Mr. Crews. After all, you will need to be able to handle yourself in the future if you are joining us...
ROBIN (inquisitive)
Am I being roped into some sort of sex game here?
FREYA
Mr. Crews...
ROBIN
Y’know... I’ve been known in my time to be quite open....
FREYA
Please, be serious. I must now be honest with you. My name is not Freya Ingolfdottir. I am a British secret service agent, my name is Polly Steyn-Richards of the MI5. You were sent here to aid us in the liberation of the island of Harris.
ROBIN
I think I went to the wrong staff meeting at some point.
ROBIN (to Julian)
I always said I shouldn’t involve myself in those work related initiatives aimed at you scoring office politics points, that’s the last time I sign up for staff representative...
Freya (now Polly) looks for Robin to finish and capture his attention.
POLLY
When you are finished, Mr. Crews...
ROBIN
Could you start calling me Robin again cause this formal assertiveness thing is really doing it for me...
POLLY
Robin!
ROBIN
Sorry... liberation?
Robin raises his arm in freedom pose a la Che Guevara.
POLLY
...In the 80s, when all eyes were focusing on the sinking of the Belgrano and the victory in the falklands, it was actually all an elaborate distraction, a rouse you could say, for something even more serious going on within the British Isles...
ROBIN (to Julian, sitting up)
Ooo, don’t you love a bit of gossip? Do tell
Julian is silent and dutifully attentive. Robin looks strangely at him, cocking his head to one side.
POLLY
...The government threw up a smokescreen in order to traffic the sale of this island and the billions of pounds worth of oil underneath to the Russians. They passed the reigns over to the scottish mafia here in the highlands after our government received their money. They were desperate and in a depression financially... this new government have instructed us that we need to take the island back.
ROBIN (scoffs)
Scottish Mafia?
JULIAN
Don’t be laughing son. They are a brutal, torturous bunch. They’ll boil yr granny in front of ye....
POLLY
Quite, back to business then...
ROBIN (smirking)
Do they tie haggis to your feet and throw you into the river?
Polly shoots him an authorative look.
JULIAN
God rest that poor womans soul.
Julian outlines an imaginary cross across the front of his body in salute as in catholic ritual.
POLLY
I believe it was the work of the same people who kidnapped you last night!
ROBIN (laughing)
That was Vernon and Geoffrey!
POLLY
Well I never, that has confirmed our suspicions then.
ROBIN
And you? What was with all the Icelandic act? I thought we had so much in common.
POLLY
Just that I’m afraid. I had to get close to you and gain your trust. I don’t really like Jonas Hallgrimsson and I have never been to Iceland, let alone EyjafjarSarsysla... That was all in your file...
ROBIN
I have a file? I dread to think what sort of measurements you know about me!
POLLY (flirting)
Just the important ones. I did like The Sugarcubes though, if that’s a consolation.
ROBIN
No, I would have preffered the method you are using on Vernon....
POLLY (tossing hair)
A girl has to many things for her country
ROBIN
What about Angela and Alice?
JULIAN (pouring tea into the china cup in Robin’s hands)
With us I’m afraid... Sorry.
Robin groans as does Julian in unison and support.
POLLY
Well, we have our mole then. It’s Geoffrey. You helped us do that and we thank you. This was the main reason you were dispatched here in the first place, to aid us flush out the mole, that will look great in your initial report.
So will you help us save the island of Harris from the Russians?
ROBIN
Sure, lets do it... but no one uses my mug...
(The final punchline is a reference to a no mug sharing joke in one of the opening scenes)