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| Wednesday March 09: Well I have been experiencing computer problems with viruses and what not. Thus, I have been unable to update lately. Suffice it to say that I am now a computer genius. I have writen a thingy an law school that you can read at the link below. It is an exposee on the general disillusionmnet that many people I have been talking to are facing (CLICK HERE FOR IT). In the meantime here is the news of the day! Consumption: -1 can Zoodles Plans: -Rugby banquet at O'Byrnes, Diamonds, and nightcap at Scholars Environment: -8 degrees centrigade, a few clouds, winds at 26km/hour with gusts reaching 40km/hour, relative humidity of 48%, barometric pressure of 101.73 kilopascals (rising pressure rising is a good sign, as bad weather systems are associated with low pressure systems. It works like this, air flows from a high pressure system to a low pressure system, just like in an airplane cabin which is pressurized. When the cabin is opened at a high altitude where there is less pressure, it rushes to escape. Anyway, high pressure systemsare more likely to prevent the intrusion of bad weather, and are thus an excellent, albeit it under-used method of weather prediction.), with an unlimited ceiling. Enjoyable Item on Desk: -1 slave token (resembling a small horseshoe) reocvered from the English merchant Schooner "Duoro", which sank off the Caribbean Island of Scilly in 1843, and since recovered. The "Duoro" was a slave ship Saturday March 05: Last night was the final fabs of the year. It was going well until the karaoke machine came out and I got on it. After Jeff Coles rucked over people into the wall and destroyed the glass display case, we made our way to Bar None, where I continued to drink despite that being the worst idea in the world. Then I ended up at the Iron Horse where I consumed more alcohol for absolutely no reason whatsoever. My sleeping schedule for today is described below. Sleeping Schedule: -12:01pm: woke up -3:00pm: nap -6:30: woke up Friday March 04: I am currently sitting in evidence class discussing a machine that psychiatrists hook up to alleged pedophiles' penises to monitor whether they are arroused my images of children. Weird! Anyway, class is almost over and I am going to go home, stuff my face with food, and then make my way back to school to consume bevergages of the alcoholic variety and get supremely bombed. Then I am going to go to the bar and get bombederer and go home and go to sleep and hope that I do not wake up dead. Tomorrow I have lofty ambitious involving school work, but I am very skeptical as to wether or not I will successfully achieve them. Thursday March 03: Once again I apologize for failing to update this site. Hopefully everybody can make it out to FABS tomorrow to engage in several casual beers, followed by many more less casual binge drinking beers. February 17th was the Carbollic Smoke Ball and pictures can be found on my pics page (follow the bottom link on the right). I got reasonably bombed and there is a video of me floating around law school acting like a jackass. What else is new? Anyway, I was cut off from the bar before midnight, and the bartender threatened to cut anybody else off who got me drinks. I was also allegedly smoking in the hall, and when I got home I realized my suit was covered in dirt, likely from rolling around on the dance floor. I was surprised to find that my mickey was virtually full, indicating that I was not too naughty. Then we had reading break where I stayed in Edmonton and did my bestest to keep things real. Had an evening at Blues on Whyte which was fun as always. Anyway, I am off to bed to watch late night TV. Goodnight everybody! Monday February 14: I have to apologize for my abscence over the past several weeks. My life has been consumed by debaucherous ski and rugby trips and the like. To make matters worse, my computer crashed causing me to lose all of my files including hundreds of pictures and thousands of songs. It remains fragile and has a tendancy to sound like it is going to catch on fire and explode. Well today is Valentine's Day! While I was aware of the folk-related lore of cupid shooting people through the heart, the last thing I expected was to suffer severe heart contusions as a result of a man who escaped from the university hospital psychological ward throwing a trident at me. Getting stabbed with tridents fucking sucks so hard that it makes me want to go outside and litter hard core. Wednesday February 02: Location: Student Legal Services Status: Bored and hungry Consumption: microwavable oatmeal and pizza pop Goals: Salmon fishing in the Queen Charlottes Monday January 31: So on my homepage it says this site has been discontinued, but that is only until things calm down for a while. This site has been getting quite a lot of hits these days. Ski trip was a ton of fun. I am not even going to begin to describe it, b/c it would take to long and I could not dignify the fun. Plus it is a haze. You can see pictures here. Stay tuned for February's updates for month of the month, objective, sports and more. Wednesday January 26: The excitement of law show has subsided to the max and now it is time to look forward to other exciting adventures, such as ski trip, which takes place this weekend. Here is my itinerary for the weekend beginning Friday afternoon: -12:30pm: load bus, leave and commence drinking -2:00pm: ask bus driver to pull over in Red Deer to puke -4:00pm: have epileptic ceasure on bus due to drinking -6:00pm: sing drunken Irish songs on bus -7:00pm: having completed offended everyone on the bus, get off the bus in the Rockies and hitch-hike to Panorama -9:00pm: nearing Kelowna BC, not my intended destination -10:00pm: drink in Kelowna Casino -12:00am: hitch-hike to Panorama successfully -2:00am: show up at hotel and wake everybody up -3:00am pass out in hot tub -3:15am: wake up to paramedic pumping water out of my chest -8:00am: wake up in hospital -9:00am: go skiing and do wicked tail grabs while jumping off the chair-lift, landing fakey and ollieing off a tree into an extreme 890. -12:00pm: eat lunch -3:00pm: sit in hot tub and drink -6:00pm: commence heavy drinking -8:00pm: get kicked out of restaurant for insulting the bar tender -10:00pm: get in a knife fight with locals -12:00am: wake up in hospital with severe knife wounds -1:00am: return to bar -5:00am: wake up on ski hill drunk and start skiing -11:00am: do a tail grab -3:00: head back to Edmonton -1:00am: go to bed Tuesday January 25: Well today could not have been a more splendid day if it tried! There is one downside. I had really bad nightmares last night. I have not had a nightmare for about 2 years, but I woke up over and over in cold sweats. Here are the happenings of Tuesday January 25th: The Day's Events by Mark: -12:01am: watched Conan, Jon Daily, and Letterman -3:00am: still awake but could not sleep -4:00am: smoke on balcony -5:00am: woke up in cold sweat during a nightmare and looked beside me to ensure that there was not in fact an alien sleeping next to me. -9:00am: hit snooze button -9:10: hit snooze -9:20: hit snooze -9:30: woke up in cold sweat dreamin of living in a cave with an evil person -!0:00-11:00: snoozed -11:00: woke up happy -11:10: shower -11:50: puchased CANs and recieved SLS Dayleader form from Dave -12:00pm: lined up for timetable at registrars and listened to weird 1st year students talk about weird shit -12:20: paid tuition via Canada Student Loans -12:30: presented Void cheque and Student Loan Form to Post Office -1:00-2:00: worked in library -2:00-3:30: Insurance Law Class -3:30-4:15: listened to Gall ramble on about stuff, hear him yawn between sentences and act odd -5:00-10:00: hung with Leanna -10:00-11:00: studied -11:00-2:30: Scholars drinking and Karaoke to the max Monday January 24: Climate: 7 degrees centigrade, (above zero!!!) 28km winds gusting up to 39km/hour, relative humidity of 45%, -4 degree dewpoint, barometric pressure of 101.06 kilopascals and rising (anticipate incoming high-pressure weather system exhibiting high levels of sunlight but slightly cooler temperatures), 14km visibility and an unlimited ceiling. Seeking: -Pictures from law show; send them to me if you have them please. Enjoyable Songs of the Day: "Your Fucking Sunny Day" by Lambchop, "Wise Up" by Amy Mann, "Ira Hayes" by Townes Van Zandt and "Needle in the Hay" by Elliot Smith Enjoyable Item on Wall: -Sticky note containing my Carswell Password, phone numbers without names next to them, and something saying "Thursday-7:30" (don't know what it means) and the word "neighbour" (don't know what it means) Emotional Status: -101.06 kilopascals and rising with general sense of malaise; otherwise content -Weather improves emotional status Status of Roommate: -Shivering in corner with burlap sac crying Status of Edmonton: -Steadily shit-hole like, ugly, and bland with the potential of becoming a nice city at 92.03 kilopasscals and dropping. Goals in Upcoming Days: -Rent skis but be too hungover to use them, pay tuition, purchase CANs, buy books, fill out SLS report cards on summer student applications, etc. Consumption: -3 pieces of pizza -1 500ml bottle of orange juice (glass) -1 5ooml bottle of apple juice (glass) -1 pasta salad combo -1 can Chunky Turkey soup -1 centrum multivitamin-multimineral pill -5 slurps water from fountain adjacent to women's washroom -Umpteen quantaties of water from tap (mixed with sediment-like debris) I am in evidence class right now and not feeling very well on account of my weekend. I cannot pay attention. I am gonna stay super sober to the extreme and act totally normal today. I am not even going to beat any animals on campus up, no matter what. Even if they try and attack me, I am not gonna touch them. I am going on sober duty all week, enjoying wool sweaters, romantic comedies on video, warm cups of ovaltine and long-distance phone calls to my mother. Sunday January 23: There has never been a worse hangover than the one I am currently experiencing. Last night was Law Show and the show went very well; far better than Friday night. We were super gunned in the band and then got retarded afterwards to the extreme. My body is in a lot of pain right now, and I am pretty sure it is from lifting big-John over my head and then having him fall on me. I cannot remember much of the evening after the show. All I know is that I am in a world of hurt and I think I am going to die. If I am not at school anymore assume I am dead. Saturday January 22: Last night was opening night for law show. I play bass in the show and have a small acting part where I play a drunk guy named Mark. Before the show there was a glitch so the band had to play some songs that we hadn't practiced. It went okay. I had my harmonica and brace so I played Heart of Gold. Luckily I was super bombed. Then we had the cast party and I was threatening Dean Percy that I was going to drive my snow-mobile out of the window of the bar and then parachute to the ground and then mono-board home. Then I ended up at the Century Grill on the south side. Then I punched the living shit out of a rat in the lane behind my apartment and then brushed my teeth so vigorously that they disintegrated. Then I took the powder that resulted from the disintegration of my teeth and applied some duct tape to it and then hucked it out of my window and then beat the living shit out of the map on the wall of my apartment. Then I practiced 2-stepping all night alone. I really cannot 2 step. Luckily it is super gay and Albertan. I love how Albertans are super afraid of gay people but are the biggest homosexuals in the country. It takes a special kind of faggetry to be really stupid, ignorant, racist and engage in 2-stepping. BC is a far superior province in every single respect. Fuck you Alberta you stupid fucking asshole. I can't wait till this shit pit of a crap-fuck fails miserably when the oil runs out. There is probably no more sorry ass province in the country. I am ashamed to live here. I think I am going to go and have a 7-hour shower to wipe the dirty country-bible-fucking, god-loving, racist, gay, ass-pirate, gatorade-drinking, lip-balm wearing, red-neck, Nickleback loving, Ian Tyson-cow fucking, crack-whore eater-outing, diareah-oil infested, ignorant-pixilated, straight line-bordered, Jerome Iginla is a fucking shit-rag loving, Ralph Klein can fuck a horses ass-eating, sticky note-using, tacky wall-paper applying, self-loving but everybody else hating, seperatist Quebec stupid shit fucking, no ocean loving useless shit-ponds made of moose crap writhing, Westjet incorporated being annoying as fuck airline being all polite and proud to be from this cock-fucking shit-snotting, ass-eating chota-liking fuck den! Enjoyable Song: "Red River Valley" by Woody Guthrie Thursday January 20: Ben Stiller is a genius. How do I know that? Well let me take you through the brilliant logic that must have gone through his mind during the writing of the blockbuster hit "Dodgeball" (Italics symbolize Ben Stiller's logic). What is the funniest thing in the world? Obviously, people getting hit in the groin with stuff. What is the funniest thing in the world that never ceases to be funny regardless of how many times you see it? Again, people getting hit in the groin with objects. How can I make a movie that will allow me to capitalize on this humour ad nauseum? How about a movie about people playing dodgeball? Yes, a movie about people playing dodgeball. I enjoyed this movie so much I give it the Hamy 2 nuts down and 3rd leg up! Enjoyable Item on Desk: -Gold coloured 14 inch patch cord to head phone adapter. Extreme Act of the Day: -Had to urinate but held it for 45 minutes (roughly) Consumption: -1 6 inch Teryaki Sub on parmasean oregano with all the trimmings. -2 Subway cookies -1 fountain soda (cola) with ice Wednesday January 19: Well what can I say about today? It turns out that at Law Show practice last night I accidentally pushed Tara too hard and accidentally broke her butt bone. She had it X-Rayed and it is actually broken! I feel really aweful about it. So bad I almost did a fakey tail grab on my mono-board to a foot stall on my hacky-sack.. Anyway, after practice I was scheduled for a video rental production, but the roads were so bad we opted for television. Then I ended up at Scholars at Midnight and had some beers with beloved Sarah Terry and Rich Johnson. Consumption: -1 snack sized pasta dish -3 pieces pizza Climate: -Warm with freezing rain (be wary of the roads) Emotional Status: -Enjoyable Enjoyable Song of the Day: -"Lonely People" by America Super Extreme Act: -Punched a squirrel in the face Tuesday January 18: Consumption: -2 500ml bottles of orange juice (glass) -1 500ml bottle of apple juice (glass) -1 500ml bottle of water (plastic) -1 tuna sandwich from Mothersly (with salad, sprouts, cucumber and tomato) -1 6 inch Teryaki sub from sub (all the trimmings) Emotional Status: -Happy Status of Roommate: -In Vancouver: Indefinetly Enjoyable Song: -"Foggy Dew", Traditional (recommended: Young Dubliners) Events: Today I had a 2 hour make-up class for corporations. I was super hard-core the whole time acting all like I totally didn't care. A couple of times I even raised my hand and was like, "I really don't see the relevance of Company law in actual practice. Like how often will I be dealing with companies? After all, I am going to be candle-wax drinking lawyer. Like if someone is in a bar and gets drunk and drinks too much candle wax from the mini-candles in bars I will sue the fuck out of the proprietor and do a tail grab on my snowboard on his head." I didn't actually say it, but I thought it so hard the prof totally knew exactly what I was talking about. In the elevator on my way home I was riding up with an old man, and instead of following proper elevator etiquette and standing against the back wall and staring at the numbers as we went up, I stood face to face with the old man and stared directly at him and just repeated, "this is awkward!" It was almost as super awkward as when I was walking to law show practice today and a girl was coming towards me, and I went to move out of her way, but she also moved in the same direction to move out of my way, and then we both simultaneously moved back and forth to get out each other's way for like 45 minutes until I did an ollie kick-flip over her whole body and landed it with one foot and did a bronco nose slid to no-comply and then skated super fast away. Monday January 17: This was actually written at 2am on the 18th, but I am just so busy that it will have to suffice. Today I went fuck-ass crazy on this rabbit on campus that was pissing the shit out of me. I was walking out of SUB (student union building) and it was acting all sketchy like. Its ears kept moving, and its eyes kept going this way and that. I was like, "why the crap don't you chill out rabbit." Then I did an ollie-kick flip on its tail, trapped it, and then brushed its teeth so vigorously its insides exploded. Then I curbed it by making it bite the curb and slamming my skate-board on its snout. Then I went back into SUB and went and stood outside of "Cram Dunk", which is a donut shop. I stood outside staring at the sign, pointing and laughing my ass off at how funny the pun was. I just stood there repeating, "hahahahaha, Cram Dunk! Get it, like Slam Dunk? Like basketball." Then some guy came up to me and I punched him wicked hard in the ankle and dropped him to the max. "What do you have to say now bitch?" I said. He explained that the pun was actually referring to cramming for an exam, and that its humour was based on the fact that the shop was in a building where the general population is composed of students engaged in academia. Then I pulled out my hacky sack and did a foot stall to neck stall to double super jester and landed with my foot on his neck and the hacky sack did a stall on his forehead. Then I kicked it off his face right into a cup of coffee in "Cram Dunk". Then I got on my snow-mobile and drove right off a knocked over table while doing a fakey-tail grab and smashed through the windows of SUB and landed on a pair of snow shoes and sprinted off. Sunday January 16: I spent the yester-evening at the Moose Factory getting extremely intoxicated between the hours of 8pm and 3:30am. When I returned home my common-law roommate was waiting for me in the lobby because he forgot his keys. He was so very happy when he saw me coming. He was like a dog in a car who sees its owner coming. He was jumping with glee. Enjoyable Item on Desk: -Harmonicas (keys of G and D) Enjoyable Song: "Witch of Westmoreland "by Stan Rogers Saturday January 15: "Hot": Mezzanine Debt "Not": Wheatabix Enjoyable Song: "San Diego Serenade" by Tom Waits I was very hungover all day. I went to Taco Bell for breakfast at 11am. Marnie came over for a shower because hers is being fixed. I then watched football all day. I am preparing to go for dinner and then perhaps meet up with some chaps for beverages at Caeli's and to sing some Karaoke with a live band. I hope all your days were well! P.s. I got in a bar fight last night and kicked out of the Standard. Friday January 14: I have no idea what happened. It seems I might have gone completely insane. Good Lyrics: "Put a candle in the window..." ? Thursday January 13: Climate: The cold burns. Consumption: -2 pieces of pizza for breakfast and a can of sprite -6 inch Subway (chicken teryaki with all the trimmings) -2 pieces of pizza for dinner -1 Quaker Harvest Crunch granola bar, apple flavour (stolen from Kevin) Emotional Status: -Anxious -Happy Bad News of the Day: -1 broken acoustic guitar string (A) [Bass strings continue to hold strong] Cleanliness: -Low (water was shut off until 2pm) Enjoyable Item on Desk: -Gel hand soother for using computer mouse (shaped like a bear with hearts inside) Enjoyable Song of the Day: "Lily of the West" by Mark Knopfler and the Chieftans Status of Roommate: -Not home, perhaps playing poker; perhaps eating slew out of KFC oil container in lane Today's Activities: -10:30am: woke up -11:30am: went to sls and picked up tape recorder and binder -11:45am: picked up moot court room key -12:30pm: met students from Leduc Composite School -12:31pm: began judging high school moot competition -12:30-1:40pm: did not listen to students participating in competition -1:41pm: laughed allowed when a student witness playing the accused finished her testimony saying, "love is like a chain, it cannot be broken" and could not contain myself. -2:00-4:00pm: class (insurance law and civil liberties) -4:00pm-7pm: law show practice -7:30-8:30: beverages -10:00pm: wrote news of the day Tomorrow's Activities: -11:45: wake up -1:00-4:00pm: class and buy books -5:00pm-????: get super switch licked to the max, go to a party and do a kick-flip on my skate board, land it with one foot and give a medical student a knee sandwich while playing extreme electric guitar and being the DJ with super cool hair. Wednesday January 12: Climate: Mother Fucking Cold...Like they are not even fucking around cold... Consumption: -1 pasta salad combo -1 Minute Maid orange juice -3 slices Dominoes pizza -1 can Sprite Status: -Still recovering from cold but feeling well Emotional Status: -Strong For Tommorrow: -Judge 1 high-school moot competition -Insult students participating in moot -Law show practice: 4-7pm at Dinwiddie Lounge Enjoyable Item on Desk: -Cheque for $151.22 from University of Alberta Housing and Food Services made payable to Mark Richard Hamilton. Laundry Status: -Lots of dirty clothing Today's Pet Peave: -Young children who play piano in the apartment next door and who suck. Monday January 10: Climate: -Minus 12 degrees centigrade, calm winds, 66% relative humidity (relative to what?), -16 degree dewpoint, barometric pressure of 101.65 kilopascals and dropping, 24km visibility, unlimited ceiling. Consumption: -1 bag beef jerkey -One medium pasta serving with salad and bun from Pasta restaurant Location: Study carol on main floor of John Weir Memorial Law Library Status: -Bored, extremely hung-over and killing time. I woke up this morning with a nose-bleed on account of my constant nose blowing. Feel back asleep with napkins crammed in my nose. Woke up suffocating several hours later. Drunken Rants from Last Night: -"People call me the guillotine" -"People call me shredder" -"Let's dry hump, but still be friends afterwards" -"I am so extreme I curb myself and then do an ollie kick-flip and land with one foot" Enjoyable Item on Study Carol: -Dime sized piece of lint in corner (white) Graffiti on Study Carol: -"You are a fag and I am using your library" -"Get your own library SNAIL" -"Brown Nation" -"Ha, never bigot!" -"Voldemort" -"Who are you? What is your name?" Sunday January 09: Consumption: -3 pieces of left-over Dominoes -One can Chunky soup Split Pea with Ham -5 perogies -Half a cup of frozen vegetables (threw away on account of blandness) Status: Drunk...Very Listening To: Dixie Chicks "Wide Open Spaces" Good Line from Song: "As her folks drive away her dad yells check the oil, Mom stares out the window and says I am leaving my girl". That line is a symbol of what happens when you don not have anything meaninful to say in a song. Emotional Status: Very happy and optomistic Potential Status Tommorrow: Extremely hungover Enjoyable Item on Desk: Container of tums with 7 tums left Saturday January 08: Location: Edmongay, Alberta (at my desk) Status: (1:40pm) -Ear pressure: normalized -Cough: reduced -Nose blowing: significantly reduced Emotional Status: -Confidently vulnerable Today's Goals: -Clean self (unsuccessful as of 4pm) -Get solid food items to consume (unsuccessful as of 4:01pm) -Unpack (successful) -Clean kitchen (successful) Enjoyable Item on Desk: -1 small lighthouse candle holder. Synopsis: The interviews did not go especially well yesterday on account of extreme fatigue. I virtually fell asleep in one. I also fell asleep on a couch in a mall and woke up in the fetal position with many passers-by around me. I hope I was not sucking my thumb. I had an enjoyable car trip to Edmonton and reached town around 8pm. I then went to the bar for a casual beverage, even though I was dangerously delerious, sleep deprived and ill. Then I got drunk until 4:30 in the morning and woke up at noon today feeling much better. Saw many folks who I knew from law school before I left for the break, and others. My roommate Kevin LOG is returning today and we will celebrate his return by going out. Friday January 07: Location: Calgayry, Alberta Status: normal body temperature, bad head cold, extreme fatique, extremely clogged ears from plane Synopsis: After virtually no sleep due to perpetual napping on Wednesday, I did not sleep on Thursday evening in Vancouver. I flew to Calgary amongst delays and snow storms in both Vancouver and Calgary. I arrived at the hotel in Calgary at approximitely 9:30pm. Wandered empty streets in -18 degree weather. Acquired 1 piece of Pepperoni pizza, went to strip club and drank beers. Could not sleep due to ear cloggage. Had 2 hours sleep total. Have 3 interviews today. Deleriously tired. They will not go well. Then a trip to Edmonton, where I am scheduled to drink heavily. Don't know if that will be possible. I cannot gauge the volume of my voice due to ear cloggage, so I either scream or whisper to those I converse with. Extremely awkward. Wednesday January 05: Status: fever of 38 degrees farenheit, cronic cough, frequent sneezing; general sense of malaise Emotional State: confused, melancholy, optomistic, skeptical Weather: 2 degrees above celcius, variable cloudiness, sunny periods, 10km/hour westerly, barometric pressure of 102.17 kilopascals and dropping. Today's accomplishments: -Transefered various addresses from different scraps of paper and websites onto one central paper -Folded exactly 3 shirts -Made various remote controls on coffee table perpendicular -2 naps exceeding 1 hour in duration -Lost piece of paper Today's consumption: -4 bowls of cereal (insufficiently saturated: click here for more on this) -1 garden salad -1 vegegayrian lasagna -2 bowls of cereal -1 Jenny Craig chocolate cake -5 litres water -1 mango smoothy -1 tip of pinky finger-sized quantity of toothpaste (eventually regurgetated) -4 small spiders during sleep (cannot confirm) Tuesday January 04: Today was a nice day as far as weather went. Vancouver enjoyed clear skies above a pleasant plus 4 degrees, calm winds and a dropping barometric pressure of 102.3 kilopascals. The city was unaffected by the arctic outflow pervading the northern coast. I was still under the weather though. I began the day with a tripwalk to the bank in Kerrisdale to clear up some problems caused by a trip to the casino several nights ago that went horribly wrong. While there I saw a very old man ride in on one of those fancy electronic wheelchairs. He wore baggy pants and a crooked hat. I found that odd. Following him was an equally elderly man with a pronounced limp. They were not together. Then I made my way on a lengthy walkthrough various neighbourhoods and found a barber's parlour, and got a haircut from a pleasant old greek man who played the accordian. Purchased exaclty one smoked meat sandwhich and one blueberry muffin from a deli and returned home to enjoy them over a gatorade. I watched the Canada game and they won, and then I sat while my sister and mom gossiped for 3 hours. Then I wrote this, watched Letterman, and went to bed. Monday January 03: I woke up this morning feeling like an ass that just got wiped by a piece of shit that someone just took a crap on. One of my dreams had been a virtual re-enactment of a story I read as a child. I was the boy in the story who made the mistake of provoking a rabid dog with a stick through a fence. Sadly, the fence had a hole in it and I got mauled by the dog. The next thing I knew I was foaming at the mouth, and this time, it wasn't from alcohol poisoning. Anyway, the boy in the story ended up being saved by Louis Pasteur (thats the "genius" who invented the vaccine for rabbies). Unfortunately, in my dream, Louis must have been concentrating on pasteurizing milk, because he sure as fuck wasn't helping me. I am pretty sure I died of rabbies in my dream, but I can't remember because I was too busy feeling like crap. Anyway, you can sure as hell bet that the next dog I see is gonna get a good punch in the snout. Just so you know, if you are ever mauled by a dog, the best way to defend yourself, aside from punching it in the face, is to snap its torso by ripping its front legs in opposite directions. I prefer the punch in the face though. So I spent the rest of the day being sick and resenting dogs. I think the dream had something to do with the fact that I was attacked last night by my friend Allan J. Wainwright on the way to the water-chamber in a local establishment that serves adult beverages. He tackled me into a phone booth, unprovoked, and then slapped the beer out of my hand all over some chairs. This is the same guy who punched me in the face in a bar in Montreal, unprovoked, and popped my eyeball open, which then projected blood onto a girl's white blouse. Al also attacked one Kevy Fags Lordogays, who, as a result, ended up with a significant amount of beer on his crotch. I am pretty sure that my illness is caused by a variety of factors, but I blame Jenny Craig the most. I have been on a steady diet of nothing but Jenny Craig microwaveable dinners since I returned from NYC on Friday on account of the fact that I cannot be bothered to make anything, or go to the store to buy anything. I am pretty sure that Jenny Craig just makes people hungrier, which causea them to go out and buy more Jenny Craig meals with which to stuff their eating snouts. And when Jenny Craig fails to satisfy their morbidly obese cravings, it is off to Ben and Jerry's or McDonald's to lick some slew. Hope all your days were as pleasant as mine. |
| News of the Day This page is dedicated to events that happen to me on a daily basis. Stay tuned daily! Saturday April 16: Classes are officially over and exam season now begins. I went out last night and drove around in a limosine and drank various forms of fermented organic material beverages. My friend Alan sent me an email today. He is a Geology PHD. I have included his email for you reading pleasure (this has been removed). hello girls, I trust that all is well. a) I am never making out again and I have composed a haiku to commemorate the occasion b) Here is the haiku: geology broads vile overweight aggressive badly dressed poorly shorn hiking boot-clad geoplogy broads c) If you have had in excess of 12 beverages, keep a 50m radius d) If anyone enters the radius wearing hiking boots, panic immediatly--they're a wolf in sheep's clothing e) leave the vicinity f) I am changing faculties. considering becoming a gay nurse (i.e. a "gurse") best regards alan (middle and last name omitted for privacy) I hope you have enjoyed my friend Al's email. If you have any questions or concernes, please email me at markhamy@yahoo.com and I would be happy to forward it to Al. In fact, if you would like to begin a cyber-pen-pal relationship with Al, I am sure he would be delighted. Simply email me and I will arrange such a relationship. Wednesday April 06: Do you like really stupid shit. Then follow this link to my "Of Our Times Page" to be totally shocked and amazed. In other news, I am a complete failure at lide. FUCK!!! I can't even spell life right. I'm screwed. Monday April 04: So today is Monday. Yesterday I woke up at 1pm, sat on the couch, and fell asleep until 7. It was awesome. Then I stayed up all night writing my essay. I finished it, but then deleted it for fun. My weekend was enjoyable. After enjoying several beverages at Marnie's (who lives below me) I went to O'Byrnes and then to the Billiard Club. At the Billiard Club, John Rauser and Laura Gill were nicely bombed, even worse than me, and Laura tipped our table over, after which hilarity ensued. The benefit was that a bunch of losers stopped hanging around the table. Then we picked it up a notch and boozed till 6am, consuming beers and several bottles of wine. My friend who had been to the Keith Urban concert couldn't stop raving about how great it was. Out of concern for being attacked, I was unable to tell him that Keith Urban is the second worst musician alive, behind of course, Nickelback. Interestingly, Chad Kruger of Nickelback played at the concert, and he would not stop raving about how great he was too. While I usually make every effort not to think about Nickelback, several recent MSN conversations have forced me to once again ponder their patheticness. Not only is their lead singer a total tool, but I haven't seen hair like his since the I worked in a salon shaving old men's assholes. Curiously, I am not the only one who hates this band. My friend John Cruz from Vancouver, a heavy metal drummer, hates them with a passion so deep that it is difficult to comprehend how he settles himself to sleep at night. Mike Lefeaux, a recently promoted Weurhauser employee also despises them. Ryan Martin of Fort McMurry also cannot stand them. Fortunately, others have already presented a strong evidentiary case for the shite that is Nickelback. I was sent a link that is worth a thousand words. Please turn your speakers on and click here. I promise you will not be disappointed. Saturday night was an interesting one. I attended a fashion show at Rum Jungle. When I tell people that the usual reaction is laughter, followed by, "you are kidding right?" Unfortunately not. While the Rum Jungle is indeed the worst establishment in existence, the show was actually fairly amusing. Fashion shows provide the perfect environment for me to partake in perhaps my favorite pass-time: casting judgment on others. There are few things more enjoyable than watching amateur models walk awkwardly across a stage trying to look hot. Especially enjoyable is the mascara worn by the male models. Friday March 30: 3:31am It is 3:30 and I cannot sleep. Health Stuff on Desk (even though I am not sick): -Buckleys Cough Syrup -Cold-FX (empty) -Centrum Multi-vitamins -Tylenol Extreme Act of the Day: -Wrote 10 pages of paper and deleted it for fun Unsuccessful Kick-Flip Attempts on Skateboard: -36 State of Garbage Can: -Very full to bordering on garbage Jenga Bedroom Door Adjar-ness: -7 inches open from being closed flush Current Fears: -Alien abduction -Ghost in closet -Snake under bed (garder) Favorite Tape: -Electrical Opinion on Call Alert: -Mixed (don't like when you cannot hear what other person is saying when it beeps) Status of New Year's Resolution: -Still not chewing finger nails Books Overdue at Library that I Have Not Read and Do Not Intend on Reading And Am Only Not Returning Out of Spite For Person Who Recalled One: -7 Consumption: -Pasta and salad -Spagetti and meat sauce -Ice cream cone -Bag of All Dressed Chips Tuesday March 29: I didn't know the meaning of the word "money" until I opened up the law school newspaper today and saw myself, in a picture, representing "Law Guy". Holy fuck I am super sweet. I almost liked it so much I nearly bought 4 gatorades and chugged them, I nearly punched Lordogays in the face so hard his pelvis ruptured, and I nearly tried to inflate a car tire with my mouth! Believe it! Its fucking true, and if you try and deny it I will offer you to wear my shirt, Lordogays will insist, you will refuse, and after enough convincing you will finally agree to wear it, and then I will tell you to fuck off, and ask who the fuck you think you are trying to wear "Law Guys" Shirt! Wednesday March 23: Recent Points of Interest: -My steady diet of buttermilk pancakes and pasta with parmasean cheese is beginning to make me weak and frail. -I was listening to radio last night at 3am (Coast to Coast) and they were talking about Ghosts hanging out in closets, and the host defied anybody listening to sleep with their closet door open. I did, but I was scared. -I am goint to Scholars tonight for beers after my SLS shift -ColdFX costs too much -Edmonton is a good old fashioned shit hole -My sticky note pad was misteriously missing, and I found it today in Kevin's room -I woke up at 4:30am last night and my roommate Kevin was staring at me -Marnie can hear me urinating regularly (she lives in the apartment below) -Marnie is having a potluck on Friday, and I am bringing a bag of pennies and paper clips -I have a touque with deer engaging in sexual deviancy -I will most likely sleep through my shift at the Mennonite Centre tomorrow -I hate people in class who ask questions they already know the answer to -I am a deeply confused individual -I need a passport -I clipped my right index finger too short and it hurts (pulsating and irritated) -My radiator makes strange noises, and I think there is a ghost living in it -Only 1/8 people call after a first date for a second date -Your foot is equal length to your fore-arm -There is a dog that barks a lot in the yard across the lane -My life is severely devoid of meaning (and this may or may not be a cry for help) -Messenger has been upgraded from version 6.2 to 7.0 (Beta); Beta means trial version -John Rauser will likely be evicted from my building for engaging in food fights with his girlfriend in the hallways -I have to go to SLS Sunday March 20: Enjoyable Fact: Today is the first day of spring Unenjoyable Fact: Registration is in 7 hours Consumption: -15 odd Buttermilk Pankakes -1 large sized pizza (half hawiian, half pepperoni/ground beef) -2 cans sprite -2 Centrum multivitamins -3 ColdFX pills -7 odd spagetti jars full of water (sedement filled and luke warm) Enjoyable Item on Desk: -One Hennan Blaikie Mouse Pad Recent Law School Gossip: Mark is the next law guy Wednesday March 16: Well if there was ever a shitty movie that recieved far more credit than it deserved, it is "Million Dollar Baby". The more I think about this film, the more disdain I have for it. Don't go see it. Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, and despite my general feeling of malaise, I intend to do it up hard beginning at 1pm at O'Byrnes, with the potential destination being the Globe, depending on whether or not I am in a state of automotism. Thursday March 10: Well last night might have been the biggest gong show of the year, which is saying a lot considering some of the other events that have transpired. It was the end of the year Rugby Banquet, and it was held at O'Byrnes. For pictures go to the "pics" link, or keep your eyes peeled in the Edmonton Sun (seriously). I have also added many photos to the Rugby Trip link on the pics page. Anyway, things began calmly enough, but quickly digressed into a complete shit show the likes of which ye have never seen. I think it is safe to say that we completely trashed O'Byrnes, and hopefully they have submitted a new order for pint glasses. We had dinner, rookie initiation, Kangaroo Court (where players are tried for their wrongs throughout the year before a panel of alumni judges) and elections. I am proud to announce that I am the new president of the club. It should be interesting to see how badly I can fuck this one up. We then travelled on the Druid bus to Diamonds, but not before getting a good look at Brent's gaping mangina (don't worry, I did not post any pictures of it). Towards the end of the night we arrived back on Whyte Avenue, where half the team urinated on a car, and the other half were involved in a wrestling match in a fence. There were many sorry looking faces at school today, and despite my hangover, I managed to down a number of margaritas at Earl's. |