|
10/17 - The Ring Two: Flatulence in Movie Form - Recently, I was tricked into watching a movie. It wasnt the first time and it probably wont be the last time, but this movie will have an everlasting effect on me. I thought the first Ring movie was awful. Maybe its becasue I hate scary movies. Maybe its because I hate bad acting and lack of storylines. Whatever the case, it was sub-par. But there was nothing that could have prepared me for the shit show that I was about to see. I dont get a chance to ruin movies for people who havent see them yet very often, so I am going to tell you every stupid little detail. You can thank me for saving you the trouble later. The crap starts off with a scene where some kid dies. The only thing the audience sees is water on the floor and the same stupid fucking part of the tape where the damn girl crawls out of the well. They must think that by me seeing this fucked up girl crawl out of the same damn well again, I am going to shit my pants remembering what happened the first time. Sorry idiots, it didnt work. After the girl crawls out, all we hear is a scream. Oh my god, my pants are fully saturated with urine. I'm no longer sure if I'm watching the Ring Two or if my TV accidently switched to the Disney Channels Halloween special. Then a bunch of gay shit happens. Pointless scenes which contribute nothing to the story or are even remotely frightening. Then my favorite part: The mom and kid are driving and they almost hit a deer. At first site, the deer is obviously fake, but thats ok, deer are stubborn and can be hard to train. As this scene progresses, it is clear that the deer were created on a 2002 Dell PC by a six year old kid with photoshop. I can see the ovals moving as the deer run. My intelligence has just been insulted again. Now lots of deer run our of the woods and attack the car. Maybe the deer were stuck in wells also. I understand, this movie makes perfect sense. Some more gay shit happens. Then my second favorite part. About half way through the first Ring, the woman decides to investigate this fucked up well girl. And guess what? She does it again! And once again, all the stupid ass, non-scary images and other bullshit elements are tied into the "story". And it turns out, there are a bunch of deer antlers in some house. So thats why those deer attacked. I feel so clever for having made that connection. See, this is what I like; A failed scary movie that trys to take on elements of a mystery or thriller in order to save grace but falls so short it is an insult to anyone that watches it. What it boils down to: this movie is not scary whatsoever, it has a worse plot than a 2 am Cinemax softcore porno, has awful actors (especially that fucked up little boy, he is the scariest part of the whole fucking attempt) and effects and somehow manages to waste 2 hours of your time. I am currently in the process of writing a letter to the director and producers demanding compensation for my time and money. Save yourself the trouble and dont watch. Or better yet, break into your nearest movie rental or sales business, throw all the copies of the Ring Two into a pile, douse it with gasoline and set it on fire. |
|
