|
2/9 - The Ugly Americans: Its a new year, the Eagles just dissapointed their idiot fans again, I just got back from a foreign country, people around the world are still stupid; I have a lot to write about. Of course, you think I would write about the Eagles because you share my hate for them, but there is nothing to be said. The Eagles played one of the NFL's easiest schedules, won out in the most pathetic conference in atleast 20 years, well before free agency, and never proved they were anything all year. I was suprised that they brought some defense to Jacksonville, but it was no match for a real team. Better luck next year idiots. Its ok, im sure there will be a new bandwagon or trend for you guys to jump on soon enough. How obnoxious can Americans be? Well, the bar has been set pretty high now. One one of our first nights there, a few of us decided to check out the local Melbourne casino, an immense and very high-class casino. I had a few too many drinks before going, but other people decided to play some hold em. I made the smart move and hit up the bar for cheap pints. About five pints later, me and Rich, the other guy who didnt play, discovered the best game at the casino: the breathalyzer. I was determined to set the high score. With my competative spirit swelling inside me, I made a dash for the bar. This is where the night becomes a little hazy and rest had to be explained to me and pieced together later. The score was close, I blew a .23 and Rich was close behind with a .19. We had to drink more and fast. While racing on to victory though, we were distracted by everyone else playing cards. Apparently we walked around the hold em floor, explaining, loudly and obnoxiously of course, to our friends how awesome we were doing at our game. Rob's stack of chips was looking low but then he caught pocket Queens. I could barely hold back my drunken enthusiasm. After he played a great hand and took everyones money, I proceeded to jump around and celebrate. I then explained to everyone at the table how Rob was a professional hustler and was going to take all of their money. I also revealed that he was the best player in America and was there to take money from inexperienced Australians. At this point, I was informed by one of the players that he was also fro America. I then had to explain to him that it was ok becasue he sucked anyway and then I decided it was time to chant USA, USA, USA, Simpsons style, pumping my fist and everything. While this was going on, Rich was at Matt's table, leaning over the back of some chinese guy and really pissing him off. We were told that at this point, it was probably a good idea to leave. But the point had been made, everyone there now knows better than to fuck with the US of A. I learned a lot on my trip. I learned a little fluid mechanics, I learned local customs including goon bagging, but most importantly, I learned that America is awesome and so much better than any country in the world, and we prove this by being obnoxious and doing whatever the fuck we want. Foreigners dont hate us because we smell funny or look weird or anything like that, they are just so fucking jealous at how awesome we are. Next time, how I started slam dancing pit in a small enclosed bar. |
|
