Since we moved to a new town, I feel so alone, so friendless. It is really hard to make new friends. People already have their friends, and do not have room for more. It is hard. It is hard to see Charlie struggling to make friends too. The kids he plays with in our apartment complex are all 6 or older. And mean to him. He comes up crying alot of the time. It makes me soooo angry! He is such a precious little guy, how can they be so mean???? And if Amanda hadn't died, she would be playing with him. They would be buds. He would be her protector and she would have been his perfect little sister. IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!! Chuck struggles too, he does not voice it much, but occasionally he does. I think he feels that he has had to keep it together for me. If we both fell apart, then what would have happened? He has been great at keeping things going and supporting me emotionally. I wonder at times, if he is angry at me for being depressed. I wonder if he gets upset at me for still greiving. I try real hard to be a good wife, to keep up the house and make good meals. But sometimes I just can't do it. I hate disappointing him. I feel like such a failure to him that I cannot get pregnant again. I know it is my fault. I am the one not having cycles. I feel that he might be happier with someone who can give him children and keep up with the house, meals, kids and hubby. Sometimes I feel so unworthy of his love. I wonder why he is still with me. I wonder how he can love me. I think that if we had not had Charlie first, I would have killed myself after Amanda died. That first summer after she died, I had so much rage inside of me. I constantly thought of ways to die. Now it is only once in a while. So I think that I owe my life to Charlie. He was such a little comforter then. I would be laying on the couch crying and he would come up to me, 2 years old, and say, mommy cry? I would say yes. He would say, baby die? I would nod. And his little hand would come up and wipe away my tears and caress my cheek. He knew why, even if he didn't understand it, he was there and he brought me thru. Sometimes I feel as if I have neglected him in my grief. That instead of crying I should have been playing with him. Well, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN playing with him AND Amanda!! But I wasn't. Instead I was crying over what all we lost. Not only did we loose our baby. But we lost a future with her as well. I lost all those mornings that I would have brushed her curly brown hair and put it in barrettes or braids. I missed out on her first steps, first words. Her first everything....gone. I see little ones 2 years old, and I get all choked up, thinking of what my daughter would be like by now. We may have even been thinking about another.....not another....who knows. Last week I was visiting a friend, who's daughter is the age Amanda should be. The little pixy was eating an ice cream cone and making a glorious mess. It was adorable! I had to take some pictures! Then that dreaded thought struck me: Amanda should be here doing this. And I lost it. Sometimes I wonder why I even go out. It seems that I just set myself up for hurt every time I do....... Will it ever end? Will I ever have another baby? When will that void be filled? |
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