'I'll take everything down.'
'Don't do that! You'll catch cold!'
Peter Sellers plays:
Bn: Major Dennis Bloodnok
G: Hercules Grytpype-Thynne
H: Mr. Henry Crun
W: William 'Mate' Cobblers
Harry Secombe plays:
N: Neddie Seagoon
O: Old Uncle Oscar
Spike Milligan plays:
E: The Famous 'Mad Dan' Eccles
L: Little Jim
M: Miss Minnie Bannister
Mo: Count Jim 'Thighs' Moriarty
S: Jim / Adolphus Spriggs
Ray Ellington plays:
(The Red Bladder)
(The Wad of Char)
N: Look at this telegram here: 'Good luck, Seagoon. A full prison is a
happy one.' Signed, the Home Secretary. And this here: 'Good work,
Seagoon. Please find enclosed three OBEs. Try and get shot of the other
two.' Signed, Minister of OBEs. 'PS How would you like to be a peer?'
Yes, I'll be a peer! Moriarty, I've just made myself a peer.
Mo: Good, I'll get down on the end of it and start a concert party.
Mo: Well I've spoken to the lads...
N: Nice of you.
Mo: ...and they all had their hearts set on the south of France.
N: But I can't let them out of prison!
G: Of course not, Neddie! We'll take the prison with us!
N: But- You can't move the prison! People will talk!
G: Neddie. We're going to leave a cardboard replica.
Bb: Me and Eccles know where it's gone, Captain.
E: Yeah. We know.
N: Splendid, lads. Tell me where it is and I'll reduce your sentence from two years to four.
Bb: Well, it, er, went, um- Thinks: Where did it went? It wented- Eccles?
Bb: Do you remember, Eccles?
E: Oh yeah, I remember Eccles.
Bb: Well, does he know where it wented?
E: I'll ask him: Do you know where it wented?
Bb: What does he say, Eccles?
E: He hasn't answered yet, I think he's out.
G: Neddie. (And this is where the story really starts.) Neddie, I'm putting
you in a position of trust. You're going to be in charge of the gold
vault. Here is the key.
N: Gold. Gold! Ha, ha, ha! GOLD! Lovely gold! I'll be rich! Ha, ha, ha! No more rags for me! Gold! Ah, ha, ha, ha! GOLD!
G: I wonder if he's the right man for the job.
G: Oh, Neddie.
N: Curses, I'm spotted.
G: Why are you wearing that leopard-skin?
N: So that's why I'm spotted.
G: Tell me, where are you taking that gold?
N: I had to think of a good excuse.
G: You're stealing it, aren't you, Neddie?
N: Blast! Why didn't I think of that?
G: We'll have to give you a week's notice.
N: Why? What have I done?
G: Nothing, but we're having to cut down on staff. You see, there's been a robbery. Um, would you get that van started while I get my hat and coat?
N: You coming too?
G: There's no point in staying. There's more money in the van than there is in the bank.
N: Very well, we'll be partners.
N: I give you my hand.
G: I gave him my foot, it was a fair swap.
Announcer: Ten miles he swam. The last three were agony.
N: They were over land. Finally I fell in a heap on the ground. I've no idea who left it there.
Announcer: At that moment, Germany declared war in all directions.
German 3: Bang!
Bn: Bang? War! I must write me memoirs.
G: Come aboard!
G: You must wait for the gangplank.
Bb: Now, man, I was trained in Judo by the great Bert. Using the body as a
counter-pivot to displace the opponent, I use the great Bert's method of
throwing the opponent to his death! Be warned, Moriarty, one false move
and you die by Bert's method!
Mo: Take that!
Bb: AHOO! Wait till I see that twit Bert.
E: You- you hit my friend Bottle again and see what happens!
E: See, that's what happens!
N: We can't stand around here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen!
N: Unexploded German skulls? I hadn't thought of that.
Bn: Elephant soup with squodge spuds.
N: I hadn't thought of that either.
Bn: Sabrina in the bath.
N: Ha, ha, ha, ha! I do have some spare time.
Bb: I am Ace Bluebottle, known in Fleet Street as Scoop Bluebottle, wonder
N: What paper do you represent?
Bb: Brown paper!
N: My name is Neddie Seagoon, though my charlady calls me Ducks. Due to a certain disease I have.
Mo: You've heard of the fiendish Chinese leader?
N: Not General Cash-my-chek?
N: But that's 600 miles from here!
Bn: Is it?
[sound of running into distance]
[sound of running back]
N: Yes. It's exactly 600 miles.
Chisholm: Hairy Scots, tonight we march north to England!
Secombe: But England's south!
Chisholm: Aye, we're gonna march right round the world and sneak up on them from behind!
N: Poor William! He's been hit by a great steaming spludge! What is it?
W: 'Ere! Taste it!
N: Good heavens! Issue umbrellas! The Scots are firing porridge!
Bn: Porridge at tea-time? The devils! They're trying to unbalance our diets!
N: Gad, you're right. Not a word to the men.
Bn: Of course.
N: Very well then. If the Scots want to make it a war of nutrition, we have an English dish in our armoury twice as deficient in calories as porridge... and twice as deadly.
Bn: Seagoon! You're not going to fire-
N: Yes! Brown Windsor soup!
N: Well, these earplugs seem to be all right. How much do you want for
G: 100 pounds.
N: How much do you want for them?
G: 100- Aha. Take your earplugs out.
N: Why don't you answer? I asked you, how much do you want for them?
G: 100 pounds!
N: That's funny. I can't hear him.
G: They cost 100- Look, take out the earplugs.
N: Stop all that silly miming, man! How much?
G: 100 pounds!
N: I've had enough of this, Bloodnok. He obviously doesn't want to do business. Come on, get out, get out! Get out! You steaming English idiot.
G: No, no, no! Look here-
N: 100 pounds for earplugs we can hear through? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Not likely!
N: Major Bloodnok! I didn't recognise you in that false room!
Bn: Well I was only wearing it to keep the rain off. I wouldn't wear it out of doors, of course.
N: Of course. Let me help you off with it.
Bn: Thank you. Good heavens! We're outside and it's raining in the direction of down!
N: We'd better put your room on in the direction of on!
Bn: That's better. It's much warmer with this direction on. Now Neddie, pull up a chair and sit down.
N: I'd rather stand, if you don't mind.
Bn: Well, pull up a floor then.
N: I must have that compromising x-ray photo.
Bn: [nonsense] I can't help you, I'm afraid. It's in that safe, and Grytpype has the key. And there's nothing on this page we can open it with.
N: Well, I'll write something in. Let me see, um... [types] 'Looking around the room that Bloodnok was wearing, Neddie's eye lit upon the following: One 18-foot crowbar and one sledge-hammer.'
Bn: What a splendid piece of descriptive writing. Now, who's going to do all the work?
N: [types] 'Without hesitation, brave Bloodnok picked up the crowbar and began to force open the safe.'
Bn: It's a copper.
S: I'm not a policeman!
Bn: I beg your pardon, madam.
S: I'm not a policewoman either!
Bn: I say, you're cutting it fine, aren't you?
S: I'll just make out this bill of sale. How do you spell penguin?
S: How do you pronounce it?
S: I'll write that down. E-Z-L-X-Q. Drat this pen! It can't spell.
N: Wait a minute, perhaps it's the ink that can't spell. Let me taste it.
S: Righto Jim, righto Jim.
N: P-E-N-G- No, no, this ink's all right.
N: It looks like water.
G: Yes, but no ordinary water this, lad. Partake! And savour the bouquet!
N: Good heavens! This is English Channel 1902!
Bn: I'll turn a deaf ear.
N: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bn: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
W: Well, sir, it's like this, see. At 12.30 a monster lorry draws up
outside, ten men jump out and wallop me on the head. I turn round to see
who it was, and wallop, wallop, on my head again. I stood up, you see,
have a quick barder, no-one there and wallop, wallop, wallop, all on my
head! As I took out my notebook, all official like, wallop! Wallop,
wallop, on my head, all wallops all over my head. And then-
N: Yes, yes, yes, but did you notice anything about these men?
W: I noticed they kept walloping me on the head.
E: Inspector, I think I'm on to something. I've been tailing a car up
the Great North Road for the last thirty miles, and it looks very
N: Overtake him at once!
E: But he's doing a hundred miles an hour!
N: Well, try and pass him!
E: Well I'll try, but he's got the advantage over me.
E: He's in a car, I'm walking.
N: You've got boots on?
E: I've got boots on.
N: Well, none of these silly excuses. Get that car!
E: OK. Over and out!
N: Right, now. Private Bluebottle, how's the time going?
Bb: It's going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick!
N: Must be the same make as mine. Mine goes tick-tock too!
Bb: Mine doesn't go tick-tock-too. Mine just goes tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-
Bb: AOWWW! Someone's hitted me with a brick! Face turns green, ears fall off, legs turn to jelly, goes cross-eyed with agony. Faints on soft part of ground.
N: Bluebottle, are you hurt?
E: Hello, calling Inspector Seagoon?
N: Oh, blast. Hello, Eccles, what is it?
E: Good news! I stopped that car!
E: I threw a brick at the driver!
N: You threw a brick-
E: Just a minute, just a minute! OK. I just threw another brick at his mate.
N: Eccles, you idiot, you-
E: Hello? Hello? Inspector Seagoon? I got his mate as well! Hello? Hello? Ohhh.
Bn: Still too dark to see a thing. Thurn me blins! Who is it? Hands up!
E: I can't put my hands up, I-
Bn: Hands up or I fire!
Bn: Now what's happened?
E: I was riding a bike!
Bn: What's the matter with you this morning, Seagoon? Why have you got such
a long face?
N: Heavy dentures, sir.
Bn: I see. Well, have you seen a doctor?
N: Yes, I just saw one walking down the road.
N: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
N: Don't worry, we've brought one with us.
The Red Bladder: Name your weapon!
Bn: One pair of clean underpants.
The Red Bladder: Cor blimey. What you mean, mate?
Bn: I challenge you to a battle of wits! Namely, a 19th Century underpant-wearing contest. We stand back to back, and the first man to wear out the seat of his pants dies... of exposure.
E: Are you Neddie Seagoon?
N: I am.
E: Oh, good. You been waiting long?
E: Who for?
N: You, you idiot!
E: Oh! Fine.
N: Now, how do I get through the firing line to President Fred's headquarters?
E: How do you get there? You go straight up that road there.
N: But they're shooting down it!
E: Oh! Don't go that way! You take this road here. They're not shooting up that one.
N: That road doesn't lead to it!
E: Oh! Don't take that one!
Mo: Grytpype! This mysterious parcel has just arrived by mysterious parcel post... mysteriously.
Bn: Come, come, Moriarty. Old friends mustn't fall out.
Mo: Very well, we'll settle this amicably.
Mo: Like this.
Bn: Ah! Shot through me gators!
Mo: Sapristi, ying tong iddle I po! Got him!
G: Is he dead?
Mo: Oh! I'm shot in the cringe!
S: Ding-dong! Clang! Clang! Ding-dong-dang-dang! Hear ye! Ding-dang! Stolen! One bell!
Sheriff of Nottingham: All your ills will be gone by dawn tomorrow when
Robin Hood will be hung, drawn, quartered, clubbed,
struck, lifted, lowered, hurled, stretched, drowned,
dragged, drugged, bashed, bonked, thudded, tweaked,
walloped, and then... splugged on a gillikin
Prince John: Do you mind if I sit down?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now! Throw the wretch into dungeons dark, dank and donk!
Robin (N): You devils! You'll pay for this!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Nonsense, we get it all free on National Health.
N: Blat! Thud! Blin! Blom!
Bb: My captain did that!
Bb: My captain copped that.
Bb: Ooh! I copped that!
H: Here, Minnie, hold my elephant gun.
M: I don't know what you brought it for. You can't shoot elephants in England, you know.
H: And why not?
M: They're out of season.
H: Does this mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
M: I fear so, I fear so.
H: Then I'll risk it. I'll shoot an elephant out of season.
N: We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it.
N: As I swam ashore, I dried myself to save time.
Sellers: For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand... then with a wooden foot... and finally with a piece of string.
Mo: I see that ten years in Britain have not changed your Imperial
Roman outlook, Caesar.
Caesar (G): True, Moriartus, always a Roman eye.
Mo: Will you take wine?
Caesar: No thanks, I think I'll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.
Announcer: Caesar, Caesar.
Caesar: Oh, it's Stomachus Grossus.
Announcer: Caesar, there is an angry rabble outside. We have their leader captive.
Caesar: Is he bound?
Announcer: Of his health I know nought, sir.
Caesar: Bring him hither, sir!
Bn: Take your hands off me! You want to catch something? Ah, so you're Julius Caesar, eh?
Mo: Caesar is all things to all men.
Bn: Oh, it must be hell in there. Look here, Mr. Caesar, we've just discovered why you've been here ten years. You've conquered us!
Bn: Well, get out, I mean, get out! Or we shall ban mid-week matches, and mid-week cigarettes as well.
Announcer: Beware, Brittanicus Bloodnokus, the gods are angry!
Bn: I know, I've just been hit by a rotten tomato!
Mo: Why don't you stop him, Julius Caesar?
Bn: How can I when I'm playing the part of Bloodnok?
E: It's a good programme.
Bb: What is the top of the bill?
N: Oh, it's got a lovely opening act: 'Captive East Finchley boy scout will fight four starving lions.'
Bb: Oh! I do not like this lion game! Let me out of here!
N: You coward, Bluebottle! Face it like a man!
Bb: Yes, well, look at the encore there: 'Caracticus Seagoon will be strangled by a gorilla.'
H: That's all very well, but why a semi-circular settee?
Announcer: Because, sir, it was for the use of a semi-circular Vice Consul.
E: I resign! You speak to my secretary! You can't talk to a
government minister like that! I won't be out of work long,
you'll see! I'll get that Ministry of Fisheries job! You watch!
I've kept goldfish!
Announcer: Mr. Eccles, Mr. Eccles, we are not for one moment doubting your sincerity. It's just your intelligence that's in question.
E: Well, I accept your apology.
H: How dare you interrupt me when I wasn't saying anything! How dare you!
E: I resign!
H: Shut up!
E: Shut up!
N: Shut up, Eccles!
E: Shut up! Shut up!
E: Shut up, Eccles!
Mo: Be quiet, or I'll tell them who sold those three cardboard tanks.
Bn: What? It's all lies! In any case, they never paid me! Is there no honesty? Do you know what happened to me last night?
Bn: Thank heaven for that!
Idiot: Ahar! I've got the pencil.
N: That's a steamroller!
Idiot: Is it? I'll kill that blasted store keeper!
W: This lamp-post's gonna be a boon. You see, at the present, I have to walk
ten miles every night to the one in the village.
W: I keep a dog, you see.
N: Your fame as a lamp-post builder has reached England.
Bn: Oh, you want to buy one? What size, darling?
N: 38-chest, darling.
Bn: I've just got one left. And I've got one right.
N: How about the right one?
Mo: My dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card.
N: My card.
Mo: My card. Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty. Have you ever heard of Lurgi?
N: There's no-one of that name here.
Mo: You, you and you alone will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur,
Madame Curie, and now, you!
N: I agree. But what's Lurgi got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?
N: We must move fast.
G: What do you suggest?
N: South America?
G: No, no, no, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain.
N: Yes. First Lewis Carroll, Madame Tussaud, and now, me!
N: On Bloodnok's advice, I also purchased the following vital
Milligan: One knee-action self-reciprocating Christmas pudding gun.
N: One hand-painted inflatable Christmas pudding decoy with rubber holly.
G: One portable plastic and gravel road.
Milligan: One long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
N: One waterproof cover for same.
G: One same.
Milligan: Thirty-three boxes of yellow Kosher boots.
N: Another long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
G: One uncooked leather trilby with sugar feather.
Milligan: One sixty-foot explodable granite statue with built-in plunger.
N: Detailed plans of what to do with long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
Bn: Right, now pack all that into the piano and burn it to ashes.
N: To ashes?
Bn: Yes, they're much, much lighter to carry.
H: Do you mind taking those noisy boots off?
M: Ah, that's better.
M: Oh! I didn't know he had three legs, Henry!
H: He hasn't, Min. He hasn't. He has a one-legged friend. Goodnight, Min.
M: Goodnight, buddy.
H: Oh! He's got two one-legged friends!
M: It's that or one three-legged friend.
M: Ohhh! It isn't the tiger, Henry! It's a savage portion of the Christmas
H: Help, Eccles, help!
M: Help, Eccles!
H: Help, Eccles, help!
E: You two down there! Stop that naughty noise! I'm trying to get some sleep! I'm a brain worker!
H: I'm sorry, Eccles. Not so loud, Min! Quietly! Help, Eccles, help.
N: Where am I?
N: What number?
N: There. I've sawn off all four legs.
German 1: Strange. The first time I've known of a piano with four legs.
E: Hey! I keep falling down!
Bn: Wait! Great galloping crabs! Look in the sky! It's a recording of a helicopter!
N: Now, with whom can I make gossip this chilly morn? I see nobody, though,
and nobody sees me. What a coincidence! Egad! Bespon! To be sure! Hern,
hern. Hi-diddle-dee! Needle-nardle-noo! Splin-splan-splon! Ying tong
iddle I po! And remember, you've got to go OWWW.
G: How very interesting that was.
N: I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing in that coffee pot.
G: I know, we had the lid down.
N: We? Where's your friend?
G: He's up the spout.
Mo: OWWW. You've got to go OWWW.
N: Egod! He's just been OWWW.
G: Yes, it's all the rage.
S: Great Jupiter, mate. Is that thing a flea?
W: No, it's an 'orse, mate.
S: A horse?
S: Take his hat off.
S: You're right, it is a horse.
Announcer: At this stage, the BBC are concerned about the possibility of this show causing listeners some - um - irritation. I should like to state, therefore, that there are no real fleas taking part in this programme. The parts of all the fleas are taken by small grass-hoppers painted black.
N: You're always moaning!
W: No, I'm not. I stop when I'm asleep, don't I?
Mo: Three days we've stood waist-deep in this ice-bound Loch Lomond. What's
the idea, eh?
G: Don't you like fishing, Moriarty?
Mo: Fishing?! Oh-type-oh! We haven't any rods! How do you catch fish like this?
G: Well, they've got to die some time. We just wait until then.
N: I heard running water so I came running down. Good heavens! You're
H: We've got a burst pipe!
N: Which one of you?
M: Naughty Neddie! Naughty-naughty-naughty-needle-nardle-noo Neddie! It's the tap.
N: Ah, I see, let me try. There, that's got the tap off.
H: The water's still coming out of the pipe.
N: What bad luck.
Interviewer: Get out, you idiot!
E: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! But you ain't even heard me speak yet!
Interviewer: We'll write to you.
E: Well, that's no good, I can't read. Did you see that? He threw me out! Threw ME out! The famous Eccles! He's got no respect for the dead, that man.
N: Who's there?
M: Autograph-hunters, buddy.
N: What do you want, buddy?
M: We're modern-style bobby-soxers, buddy. Yim-bom-biddle-bo! We want Wal's autograph, buddy.
N: I'm very sorry, Mr. Greenslade left his autograph at home.
N: Stop that knocking-type knocking!
H: Who are you to stop us doing knocking-type knocking?
N: I'm Neddie Seagoon-type Neddie Seagoon.
H: Never heard of you-type sir. Go away, sir.
N: Go away?! Never heard of- I won't stand for this! Go away, never heard of me? Open this door at once!
N: Who's there?
H: Open the door!
N: I can't. Some fool's taken the bolt off. Can you open it your side?
M: No, no, no. Don't come in, I'm in the bath.
N: What are you doing in the bath?
M: I'm not doing anything in the bath!
N: Miss Bannister!
N: Explain what Mr. Henry Crun is doing in your bathroom, you sinful woman!
M: He's washing a savage tiger.
N: A tiger? A sinful savage tiger? I've had enough of this.
N: Wait! I've got a hunch-
G: It suits you!
Chisholm: If it's not a rude question, sir, what's it supposed to be?
N: I wish I knew. I'd feel much happier.
Chisholm: You said it was to be a mangle.
N: Yes, I know. But I added a bit here and a bit there, and it got completely out of hand.
Chisholm: I'll tell you what, mon - you get in the seat and I'll swing the propeller.
Bn: Fort Spon will fall any day now.
Milligan: But we've just had it wallpapered!
Bn: That's no use, I tell you. The defenders are weaponless! Some swine sold the men's rifles to the enemy for ten thousand pounds.
Milligan: How much?
Bn: Just a minute, I'll count it again.
Milligan: You mean-
Bn: Yes, ten thousand pounds.
Milligan: You mean that those men have only got bullets to defend themselves?
N: Gentlemen! Build me a taking off-type aerodrome and I will fly out rifles in my newly invented aeroplane.
H: Mr. Seagoon, I have got here the plans of my proposed portable aerodrome.
N: Ah, let's have a look. Hm. What have you called it, Mr. Crun?
H: Um, Croydon Airport.
N: Oh. And where are you going to build it?
H: At Croydon.
N: I say, how splendid! That'll save changing the name.
H: Now are there any questions?
M: How are you going to build this aerodrome, buddy?
H: I was going to build it flat.
N: Does that mean aeroplanes can land on it?
H: Well, now that you've asked me a straight-forward question, I have no option but to give you a direct answer. What was the question again?
N: Does that mean aeroplanes can land on it?
H: Land on what?
N: The aerodrome!
H: Oh, am I building one of those?
N: Yes, and you're calling it Croydon Airport.
H: Splendid! Then I can build it near Croydon!
N: The very place for it!
H: Yes, now to finance. Apart from the aerodrome we shall need five thousand pounds for the hangars.
N: I'd rather hang my coat on a nail.
G: Mr. Crun was referring to aeroplane hangars.
N: Will my aeroplane need a hangar?
H: It would lose its shape hanging on a nail.
N: Calling, B4. Calling, B4. Hello? Control calling, B4.
Bb: Hello, Captain!
N: Is that you, B4?
N: Why didn't you answer me, B4?
Bb: Because I didn't hear you, B4.
N: Listen, warning - do not land at Croydon Airport because it's not there yet.
Bb: Righto then.
N: Now, what is your exact position?
Bb: I'm lying on my side, with my knees drawn up under my chin.
Bb: I'm at home in bed.
Mo: Just get on this bus.
N: Does it go past the house?
Mo: Yes, but you can jump off.
N: This is ridiculous! You can't hang me!
Judge: He's right you know, he hasn't got a neck. All right then, all right m'dear. One hundred years hard labour.
N: One hundred years! I'll never do it!
Judge: Well, do as much as you can.
N: Major - I can't see any tribesmen attacking.
Bn: That's funny, neither can I. Hand me that bottle of whisky.
Bn: Ah, now I can see them!
N: Suddenly, the footman came over and tapped me on the shoulder
with his foot.
Footman: Pardon me, sir. Colonel Gore would be pleased to see you out on the balcony, sir.
N: Oh, he's out there, is he?
Footman: No, he's in here, that's why he'd be pleased to see you out there.
N: Well, I think I'll go out for a breath of fresh air.
Footman: Thank you, sir, that'll save us opening the window. Oh, and pardon me, sir, your taxi's outside.
N: I know.
Footman: Well please, sir, would you move it on a bit further, sir?
Announcer: Grabbing his flying jacket as it flew by him, Captain Seagoon strode swiftly up the wall, across the crowded ceiling, hurling members to the floor below with cries of:
N: Fools! You shouldn't be up here! And you.
German 2: I'm not a spy, I'm a shepherd.
Bn: Ah! Shepherd spy! You can't fool us, you naughty German. We British are never caught napping.
German 2: No, you're always caught wide awake.
Bn: What?! That's a damned insult. (But he's perfectly correct, you know.) Now then. Are you married?
German 2: Ja. Two years.
Bn: Any children?
German 2: Nein.
Bn: Nine in two years?! You blaggard, you!
Milligan: Someone's coming up the stairs, sir!
Bn: What?! Quick, burn this on the fire.
Milligan: Right. What is it?
Bn: A piece of coal.
N: Here I was, freshly run over with my bagpipes irreparably flattened, and without a remedy. The weight of the steamroller had made a lasting impression on me. I was now two inches thick and twenty-four feet wide. This- this was very awkward. People kept opening and shutting me.
N: Bloodnok, I need your help.
Bn: I'm sorry, it's her day off.
Bb: Oh! My captain! Springs smartly to attention, putting left toe into rat trap. AIII! AHOOO! Writhes in agony on floor. Thinks: What shall I think? Thinks: I can't think of a thinks. Unthinks.
Officer 1: Apparently for the last three years we've been at war, W-A-R,
[sounds of shooting and explosions]
Officer 3: I say! It sounds jolly dangerous!
Officer 2: Who are we at war with?
Officer 1: That's what I keep asking myself. If only we knew, we could tell a policeman.
Officer 2: Gentlemen, I think you should know that we're at war.
G: Oh! Was it something we've said?
Officer 2: Heavens, no. We want a decent chap to fly to Germany to try and capture one of the enemy... intact.
Mo: Ah! What's it worth?
Officer 2: Well, for the chap who's successful, there'll be a nice little nest-egg waiting for him.
Mo: Oh? How much in money?
Officer 2: No money, I told you. He'll get a nest with an egg in it.
Mo: I should risk my life for an egg and a nest?
Officer 2: Chickens do it all the time!
Bn: Oh! There's someone knocking on the door with a duck!
G: The oasis is only ten feet long, they'll never get a battleship in
Mo: They could stand it up on one end.
G: The British don't operate that way.
Mo: Nonsense. I've seen them walking to work like that!
Announcer: Cynical listeners may question the possibility of sailing a battleship on sand.
N: Turn it left! The other way around! Get the guns facing them! Right -
pull the blanket off! Hands up!
G: Damn, foiled by a brilliant stratagem and a common all-garden 44-thousand ton battleship.
E: The wagon train with your wife on board has been attacked by the
Captain: My wife? Is she safe?
Captain: I never did like them Indians.
Lt. Hern: Did they follow you?
E: Yeah. They were shooting at me all the time. But I just stuck my tongue out at them.
Lt. Hern: Get wounded?
Lt. Hern: Where?
E: In the tongue.
Lt. Hern: Pardon me, Ma'am, your- your wig's fallen off.
G: Wig? How dare you, sir! The unfortunate woman just happens to have gone bald suddenly!
Lt. Hern: Who are you?
G: Lord Nelson.
Lt. Hern: He had one arm missing.
G: I have, I used to have three.
E: [nonsense] Care to have a hand of cards?
Lt. Hern: Poker, pontoon or rummy?
E: Yeah. And cards.
N: Gad! What will you think of next?
Bn: Well, I think I'll say I'm not staying on this ship. I've been beaten, flogged, keel-hauled, mutinied, tarred, hung from the yard-arm, lashed to the mast, and also an unpleasant incident east of the wind.
N: But a sailor must expect these things!
Bn: Sailor? I'm a first-class passenger, sir!
N: You're a first-class-
Bn: Yes, I know, I know.
N: I need your help!
Bn: What? Well, you can stand by me to rely on you.
Bn: Gad, the sun's hot.
E: Well, you shouldn't touch it.
Bn: Shut up, Eccles.
E: I think Moriarty's within earshot.
E: I've just been shot in my ear!
N: Good evening. Do you mind if I take a gander round the shop?
Shopkeeper: No, as long as it's house-trained.
Bb: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to witness that for the first time in
the history of the Goon Show, Blumebottle will not be deaded. Observe.
First I light a hundred-foot fuse, so. Now, all that remains is for me
to escape. Taxi! To the airport! Stop! Airplane! Drive me to America!
Stop! Horse! Drive to the desert. Ladies and gentlemen, observe. I am
now 6000 miles from the dreaded dynamite. Here I am safe in the middle
of the desert.
Bb: AHOOO! You rotten swines, you. Exits left, never to play this rotten game again. Never, never! Thinks: All right then, next week. Oh, look at my knees! They've gone!
N: Back in the BBC listening room, I struggled to free myself before the
Bn: Don't worry, Seagoon.
N: Bloodnok! Eccles!
Bn: Quick, untie him.
E: OK, I'd better hurry up before the-
E: That's got his legs free.
N: Yes, but where are they?
E: Here they are.
Nigel Sponley: Grand news!
N: What, Nigel?
Nigel Sponley: The regiment's sailing tonight for active service!
N: Active service? Does that mean... fighting?
Nigel Sponley: Yes!
N: Ow, my leg! My leg! It's gone!
Nigel Sponley: Quick! After it!
N: In a few bounds, Nigel Sponley had the leg trapped by the throat, and returned it to me. But it was a close thing.
Nigel Sponley: Damn close.
Bb: The enemy! Immediately attacks for England. Hit-hit-fight!
Hit-hit-hit-strike! Hit-strike, hit-strike, fight-HIT!
Hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit! Knees fall off, collapses losing.
Wad of Char: Listen, little spirit of Empire. You give me the key to fort gates, and me give you four ounces dolly mixture!
Bb: Oh! Every man has got his price!
N: They're hauling Thin Tom, their long-range cannon, into
Bn: They're loading it!
Col. Chinstrap: By gad, sir, they're lighting the fuse!
Milligan: They're- they're pointing it at us!
Bn: They're going to fire it!
N: I wonder what they're up to?
N: That's no duck, that's a chicken.
Col. Chinstrap: By gad, sir, they're firing hens at us.
Bn: A fowl trick.
Col. Chinstrap: Eggsactly.
Milligan: We're being shelled!
N: Stop cracking yolks!
N: Hands up or I'll draw my rations!
Mo: It's an English Naafi manager!
N: Don't move! Don't move, or I'll turn the key in this tin of spam!
N: Oh, horror of horrors!
E: Who, me?
N: Dear faithful old hairy English Tommy! Ten years you waited here rather than disobey that last order I gave you. Stay here till I came back, I said to him. He waited alone in the desert. He never wavered from his duty. He kept the name of servitude shining bright. Eccles - Eccles - you upheld the flag. You never questioned the order. You stayed out here alone. You, without food or water. You, without money. You, without anything to stop you walking away. You! You IDIOT!
N: Listen! There's a record of an aeroplane approaching! We're saved! Fire
your gun to attract his attention.
[aeroplane crashes and burns]
Bb: You rotten swine, you! AHOO! I was driving along like a happy boy airman when PING-SPLIT-PLUNGE - the string on my joystick was severed!
N: Little long-vested aviator, who are you?
Bb: I am air ace Blumebottle, wonder boy aviator, kinge of the air! I was just breaking the world record for cardboard and string aeroplane, when PING! You crashed me. Eehoh! I shall never be able to stand up again.
N: Why not?
Bb: My trousers have come off.
N: Fear not, little road scholar with knees heavily wired for sound. You are in good hands.
Bb: Thank you, my Captain, for them kind words, thank you. Thinks: You rotten swine, you.
N: Now Major, what's all this spaghetti hurling about?
Bn: Well, you see, lad, it's the Bloodnok method of ending the war, you see. Each commando is issued with an army sock full of lukewarm spaghetti, and when he meets a Hun full-face, it's WHOOSH - PUTT - NUK - MCNOOL! Right in the square-head's mush. And by the time the Jerries have scraped it off, it's too late! The pubs are all shut, lad!
N: But why use spaghetti?
Bn: Don't you see, you military fool? When a German is struck with the full force of spaghetti he'll think the Italians have turned on them, you see!
N: What a brilliantly mediocre idea! You'll get an OBE for this.
Bn: Oh good, my last one died.
N: Well, we've all got to go some time.
Bn: Yes, I went this morning, it was hell in there.
N: Give me my sock full of spaghetti. Now! One! Two!
Bb: EEEH! You rotten swine, you. Who threw them warm worms at me?
Bb: AHOO! [splash]
L: He's fallen in the water!
Bb: Naughty Little Jim! Did you put that water there?
Bb: Are you sorry?
Bb: All right then. Look! The car's coming back! Quick, Little Jim, put this dynamite in the road and light the fuse.
L: Light the fuse. [explosion]
Bb: Hooray! We got them!
L: We got them!
Bb: I'll get a cardboard medal for this.
N: You'll get a cracket up your shirt. We were in that car.
Bb: Oh, it's my captain, all rags and no eyebrows. That's a good costume for explosions, that is.
E: 'Ere! Can I open my eyes now?
Bb: Ooh! What's that bread pudding stuck on the wall?
E: That's me!
German 1: Montgomery is always flying backwards and forwards between
German 2: They have planes that fly backwards?
German 1: Private Schnutz, I have bad news for you.
German 2: Private? I am a general!
German 1: That is the bad news.
German 1: This man wearing a leather wig is Germany's greatest fighter ace,
Herr Von Schlapper Eccles.
E: Hello, fellas, have a good war. Have a good war, fellas. Bang!
German 2: This is our greatest fighter ace?
German 1: Ja.
German 2: It's going to be a long, hard war.
German 1: This General Field Marshal Montgomery must be captured, kiptured, tortured, and in that order.
W: Excuse me, sir, there's someone to see you.
N: Who is it?
N: Well, ask you to come in.
W: I am in.
N: Then get out.
M: Oh, Henry, after all these years, our own piano!
H: Yes, all our own. At last, we can take a bath.
M: You realise now we shall have to buy some carbolic.
H: I've got some carbolic, Min.
M: What? What? Where? Where? Where? Where's the carbolic?
H: I've got it right here!
M: You've never shown me the carbolic before.
H: Well, I don't have to show it to you!
M: Yes, you do! We've been together- [nonsense] Well, where is it?
H: In the safe, that's where it is. Don't you remember, my Uncle Cecil left it me in his will.
M: You fool.
H: What? What?
M: You fool! You know that Myrtle Knit got the soap... and we got the house brick.
H: Well, we shall have to wash ourselves with a house brick.
N: Through the pigeonhole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something attached to its leg. It was a postman.
G: You have been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission.
N: Does this mean I've been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission?
G: So you've guessed, eh? Seagoon, you are to make your way to Hungary via Budapest.
N: Will I have to go abroad?
G: If all else fails, yes. It's dangerous work...
N: I suppose I'll have to take risks.
G: Oh yes. And a small pot of tea.
N: What does this mean?
G: It means you have been chosen to go abroad with a packet of risks and a small pot of tea.
Mo: I warn you. I shall count up to a highly skilled forty thousand, and
then I'll shoot!
N: Forty thousand?
Mo: Yes, I've got to go home for my gun.
N: When I saw that he was a dwarf, I was all for attacking him right away, but Bloodnok stopped me.
Bn: No, wait till he gets older.
N: Finally, on his ninety-third birthday, we sprang!
H: Let us get some details and documents. We must have the documents, you
know. Just take a few particulars. Now let's get the details and the
documents. Must have the documents, you know.
N: Of course.
H: Must have the documents... Now, what was this all about? Oh, yes, yes. Your name?
N: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
H: N-E-D-D-I-E. Neddie. What was next?
N: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
H: Phew? P-H-E-W?
N: No, no, no. It's pronounced Phew but it's spelt Pug.
H: Pug? Pug, yes. P-U-G-H.
H: There. Neddie Pug... Seagoon, wasn't it?
N: Yes, Seagoon, S-E-A-G-O-O-N.
H: Could you spell it?
N: Certainly, S-E-A-G-O-O-N.
H: Seagoon. S-E-A- [dozes off]
N: G-O-O-N, Seagoon!
H: Oh, yes, yes, yes, good, yes, good, good, yes, yes, yes, the full name. Now. Address?
N: No fixed abode.
H: No, F-I-X-E-D, fixed, A-B- It's no good, I'd better get a pencil and paper and write all this down. Minnie! Minnie!
M: Coming, Hen-Hen-Hen- What is it, Henry, cocky? Yakakakoo. What is it, Henry?
H: A pencil, please.
M: There you are, buddy-buddy.
H: Minery, this gentleman is going to South America.
M: Oh! Goodbye!
Announcer: Neddie Seagoon arrived at the port of Guatemala, where he was
accorded the typical Latin welcome to an Englishman.
Mo: Hands up, you pig swine. [spits]
N: Have a care, Latin devil. I am an Englishman. Remember, this rolled umbrella has more uses than one!
N: Three seconds! I've got to get out of here at once!
Announcer: Will Seagoon get out in time?
Announcer: Oh, hard luck. Still, he tried.
Announcer: Three months have passed away, and so, fortunately, has Adolphus Spriggs.
H: Dear, dear, dear. Why must people call in the middle of the night? Why
can't they come at a reasonable- Min?
M: What-what-what-what? Yes, buddy?
H: There's somebody knocking, Min.
M: Yes, Henry, yes... there's somebody knocking.
H: One of us will have to answer the door, Min.
M: You answer it, Henry. I can't find my boot in the dark.
H: Well, then, turn on the light, Min.
M: I can't, Henry.
H: Why not?
M: When it's dark I can't find the light.
H: I've just had an clever idea, Minnie.
M: Have you, Henry?
H: Yes, Min, dear. It is a very clever idea.
M: Ohhh! How did you come to think of it, Henry?
H: You know, it came to me when I was thinking about- thinking- Min?
M: Yes, Henry?
H: I've forgotten what it was I was thinking about when I got the idea.
M: Oh, never mind, Henry. What was the idea?
H: I've forgotten, Min.
M: Yes, Henry?
H: He's stopped knocking, Min.
M: Oh dear. Perhaps he's gone away, buddy.
H: Oh dear, what a pity.
M: Why, Henry?
H: I've just remembered the clever idea I had.
M: Oh. What was it, Henry?
H: Well, we should throw the key out of the window, Min.
M: Oh! That was a clever idea, Henry!
H: Yes, it was, wasn't it?
M: Supposing he comes back?
H: Well, he won't be able to get in, Min. You can't get in without the key, you know. You must have they key to get in, Min.
M: But he hasn't got the key, Henry.
H: What key, Min?
M: The key to the door!
H: Well, then! He won't be able to get in!
M: I know, I know, Henry! I know that!
H: He must have the key, Min. Otherwise he can't get through the door!
M: I know, I know, I know. But you've got they key, Henry!
H: Yes! Then he can't get in! He must have the key, you know. You can't get in without keys, you can't get-
M: Yes. Oiyoh... Why don't you throw the key out of the window, Henry?
H: Oh, that's an idea, isn't it?
M: It's a clever idea.
H: Yes. How did you ever think of such a clever idea?
M: What idea, Henry?
H: The idea to- What was the idea?
M: I don't know, I've no idea, Henry.
H: But you said you had one, Min!
M: Had one what?
H: That's what I'm asking you!
M: What are you asking me about?
H: You stupid old-
M: What? Don't you start shouting at me again, I'm- OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Once round the room does me good, you know. Oh dear.
H: He's knocking again, Min.
M: I know, Henry, I know.
H: One of us will have to answer the door, Min.
M: You answer it, Henry. I can't find my boot in the dark.
N: [off] Hey! Hey in there! If you don't want to come down, throw me the key and I'll let myself in!
M: Throw him the key, Henry.
H: That's a very clever idea, Min. I'll just open the window. Watch out! Here it comes!
N: [off] Dash it! I've missed it! It's gone down the drain!
H: Oh dear. It's fallen down the drain. Now he can't get in, Min. He can't get in without the key, you know. I wish he hadn't come.
N: Bloodnok? Have you ever had the feeling that you were going to be struck
by a piano?
Bn: What? Oh, what nonsense, we're not the type-
N: You didn't say what this collection was for!
N: Any cases of frozen feet?
E: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!
N: Now, gentlemen, you've got three minutes to tell us where that four and
Mo: We'll talk, we'll talk.
N: Bluebottle, quick! Extinguish the fuse.
G: Here's your four and nine, and your wall, damn you.
N: Right! You may go. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Gloating laugh. So, dear listeners, you see, honesty triumphs over naught-
N: Shhh, shhh, please. Honesty triumphs over naughtiness, and in the end-
Bb: Captain? Captain?
Bb: What was that that you told me to do?
N: Told you to-? The fuse!
N: I say, are you- are you sure he's a mole?
H: Of course he's a mole. Look, here's the letter: 'With love to our dear British friends, from your pals the Egyptians.' There.
H: If you don't believe me, read the label round its neck, there's proof.
N: All right. Yes. It says: L-I-O-N. Hm. L-I-O-N? Mole?
E: Something burning round here. Ooh, what a bit of luck! Two big cigars and
they're both lit. Let me see, what brand are they now? TNT brand. Hmm!
Must be a new make. I'll take a puff on one. Mmm!
E: Mmm. Strong.
Bn: Mount Everest- it's five miles high, isn't it? Yes?
Bn: But it measures twelve miles across the bottom!
Bn: Well, all we need to do is to tip Mount Everest on its side, and we'll have a mountain twelve miles high!
N: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?
Bn: Well, isn't it obvious?
Bn: Then I have another idea.
N: A small notice caught my eye. It read:
G: Author of sea stories will pay five thousand pounds to any person furnishing conclusive proof as to the fate of those who manned the Marie Celeste.
N: I read no further.
G: But you don't know my address.
N: I read on!
N: He was a tall, vile man, dressed in the naval uniform of a sea-going sailor. Under his left arm he held a neatly rolled anchor, while with his right he scanned the horizon with a pair of powerful kippers.
Bn: You haven't met my sister, have you?
N: You told me you were an only child.
Bn: In that case, meet my mother.
Sellers: Inside, it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily, the tunnel was only twenty yards wide, so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides.
G: Do you have to burst in here? If you must burst, please do it in a convenient place!
Bn: I'll pay pontoons only.
Mo: Pontoons only? We're playing chess!
Bn: Oh? I thought the cards were a funny shape!
[knock on the door]
Bn: The police!
Mo: Bloodnok. There are other people.
Bn: Not in my life.
Announcer: I saw Ned Seagoon, exhausted by his night of sensuous Morris
dancing, sitting on his big, white-washed hacienda.
Mo: Still not a pretty sight.
N: I sat there, sipping a glass of coal and strumming a chopper, when a brown hand fell on my shoulder.
Mo: Ah! Pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder?
N: Is it yours?
Mo: Yes. Thank you.
Mo: I might say whoever planned the robbery must be a man of the highest
intelligence, with the courage of a lion!
N: So you suspect me?
Mo: A Britisher has already been encasseroled in the Madrid jail and sentenced to 94 years, Senor.
N: So he was found guilty, eh?
Mo: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet.
N: Do you think they suspect him?
Mo: That's difficult to say.
N: Do-you-think-they-suspect-him. Hm, it is a bit difficult to say, yes.
Bb: Enter Spanish Bluebottle and the Spanish audience.
N: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here?
Bb: I am here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish- type bull. I am not afraid of those needle-pointed horns. Thinks: Yes I am.
N: On the last page was a note from Uncle. It read: 'Pass it on to your
brothers. I've given them both bookmarks.' What a kind man Uncle was! I
passed it on!
E: Oh, look! Look what Neddie's given us!
Bb: Eehee! Let's put some wheels on it, then we can pull it round!
G: Nephew Neddie! Enjoying the ball?
N: Immensely! I've danced every dance!
G: Oh? Who's the lucky girl?
N: Oh, I don't bother with them! I'm much better on my own!
Bb: Ooh, thank you, Eccles! I like rock cakes, I do. I like them, yes.
Thinks: I've never seen a rock cake with a pin in it before. Oh, well! I
had a good long run this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out.
N: The day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank, it was
inspected and certified river-worthy!
Milligan: Who was the man who inspected it?
Sellers: It was none other than-
N: I resign!
Sellers: Resignation accepted... on the grounds of incompetence. Anyone else want the old job there?
N: I'll take it on.
Sellers: Right, name?
N: Ned Seagoon.
Sellers: Same as the last bloke. All right, carry on.
N: Do you suspect sabotage?
W: No, he's in the clear.
N: Then whom do you suspect?
W: Russian frogmen done it, mate.
N: What was their motive?
W: Oh, I don't go into their private affairs, mate. I just accuses 'em, that's all I do.
N: Are you sure the Russians did it?
W: Well I ain't, mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, don't it?
Mo: Pardon me, my ami. Mon card.
N: Thank you... but there's nothing on it!
Mo: Look on the other side.
N: Oh! A silly place to have it printed. On the back. Now what's this? 'Messrs Fred Moriarty Limited, Sunken Westminster Floating Pier Salvage Experts'? Gad! Just the man we want!
Mo: Sapristi! You mean the Westminster floating pier has sunk?
Mo: At last! Employment!
N: As the man perused his notes, I looked him up and down. He had a high
forehead, just above his eyes, and an aquiline nose with a couple of
nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was so beautifully cut, and his
trousers were torn as well.
N: He said.
G: I've been thinking.
N: He paused.
N: He repeated.
G: I think you're our man.
G: He replied.
N: But I don't understand.
G: He vouchsafed. Don't you, Neddie?
N: He proclaimed.
G: Then I said:
N: Are you with us, Neddie? To which I replied:
G: Yes. Then I said:
N: I am Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical Society.
G: He said I said.
N: He said I said.
G: Goodnight! And out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.
N: Is there a room in the house that trains don't run through?
Bn: Seagoon! Yes, of course, I remember! Didn't your father have a son?
N: Oh, aha, I never asked him about his private affairs.
Bn: Seagoon, of course, of course, yes. I knew your father before you were born!
N: I didn't.
Bn: I wish you had, things might have been different.
N: What did this attacker look like?
W: I dunno, I dunno, I didn't see him, mate.
N: I see. And would you recognise him if you didn't see him again?
W: Straight away! Although you know, sir, I must admit, me eyes ain't what they used to be.
W: No, they used to be me ears.
G: How many times have I told you not to drive that leather omnibus round
the bedroom in broad daylight? You know these blinds are drawn, they're
Mo: Give them time. Here they come, one by one.
Bb: What time is it, Eccles?
E: Just a minute, I've got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bb: Oh! Then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
E: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.
Bb: Wait a minute, Eccles, my good man.
E: What is it, fellow?
Bb: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is 8 o'clock is writted.
E: I know that, my good fellow. That's right. When I asked the fellow to write it down, it was 8 o'clock.
Bb: Well then, supposing when somebody asks you the time it isn't 8 o'clock?
E: Well then, I don't show it to them.
Bb: Oh. Well, how do you know when it's 8 o'clock?
E: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
Bb: Ooh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on. Here, Eccles?
Bb: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear, would you? 'Ere! This piece of paper ain't going!
E: What?! I've been sold a forgery!
Bb: No wonder it stopped at 8 o'clock.
E: Oh, dear.
Bb: You should get one of them things my Grandad's got.
Bb: His firm give it to him when he retired.
Bb: It's one of them things, what it is, that wakes you up at 8 o'clock, boils the kettle and pours a cup of tea!
E: Oh, yeah, what's it called?
Bb: My Grandma.
E: Oh. Ah, wait a minute, how does she know when it's 8 o'clock?
Bb: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!
N: London, 1901. That was a good year for England. Well, we'd have looked silly without it, wouldn't we?
Mo: Allow me.
N: The stranger stepped back, raised the tail of his shirt, and revealed a centrally heated brass name-plate. By the side was a bell.
Mo: Sapristi Nyuckos. You again! Come in.
N: Thank you.
Mo: Here. Let me take your wet kilt.
N: Thanks. Now, if I can just get my left leg over my...
Mo: Not now! First you must meet my partner.
N: The stranger pressed a button in his trousers. A bookcase swung back, revealing a plastic mule rest. From it he took out a volume. Rapidly he turned to page nine. On it was a drawing of a door marked Scotland. He knocked.
N: Next I contacted England's greatest and only snow-packer.
[knock on the door]
M: Oh, we'll all be murdered in our beds.
H: It's all right, I can't get the wood-
N: Good morning.
H: You can't come in.
N: And why not?
H: Our tiger's got flu.
N: I don't wish to catch that. Mr. Crun, I want to transport 100 tons of snow to the Sudan. I understand that you are skilled in this dying craft.
H: Yes. You can't get the wood, you know.
N: Can't you?
H: No, no, you can't get it, I told you. Do you know Molly Nasher?
N: No. Why?
H: She can't get the wood either. You can't get it, you know, you-
M: We'll all be murdered in our beds!
N: Yes, yes. Mr. Crun, please, will you accept the task of transporting my snow to Khartoum?
H: Khartoum! Poor, poor, poor old Jim Tigernuts.
N: Jim Tigernuts? What about him?
H: He couldn't get the wood either. He had to put them in cardboard boxes.
N: What was he?
H: An undertaker.
N: I want to buy a twenty-foot easel.
H: Twenty-foot? Whatever for?
N: I want people to think I'm tall.
H: But if you stand by a twenty-foot easel, it'll make you look even shorter.
N: That's just it. I'm not going to stand by it. I'll stand somewhere else. Ha, ha, I'm not a fool, you know!
H: If you're not going to stand near it, why buy it?
N: I've got to buy it so as to have something tall not to stand by! It's no good not standing by something tall that's not there, is it?
H: Supposing someone comes in unexpectedly when you're standing near it?
N: Then I shall deny every word of it and stand on a ladder.
Fifi: Don't try and fight it, darling. This is bigger than both of us.
N: Gad! A photo of the Eiffel Tower!
N: To try to draw her attention I set fire to myself. It moved her. She fried an egg on me.
S: Just a minute, Jim!
H: What, what?
S: If we put our where-with-all - the money - in this bank, if we put this money in the bank, how do we know it'll be safe, Jim?
Heckler: Aye, that's right, aye! Fair does.
S: Right! That man can't even afford teeth, let alone money. As I was saying, if I put this money in the bank, how do I know it will be safe? I've always kept my money in a mattress!
Heckler: And I- I've always been satisfied with my where-with-all - the money... the money - in my mattress!
H: Oh, dear, dear! Gentlemen, gentlemen!
M: Speak up, will you, I can't hear what he says...
H: This ancient method of keeping monies in mattresses is stupid! In my bank, the monies are placed in a tea caddy, and then they're put in a mattress! Double-strength security!
Heckler: Wait a minute, Mr. Crun. Is this yon mattress burglar-proof?
M: He says is it burglar-proof?
Heckler: Burglar-proof. Is it burglar-proof?
H: Sir, it is hand-sewn by a locksmith.
S: What kind of locksmith?
H: A Latvian locksmith, and only one other person knows the combination.
S: Who's that?
H: The swine who stole all the money last night! Oh!
H: Gentlemen! Gentlemen, gentlemen, stop these naughty withdrawals. There's no need to worry. It was only a fake test robbery done by the insurance agent to test our security guard.
S: And was he satisfied?
H: I don't know, the guard shot him.
Bb: There's somebody straining in a dark corner over there. Switches on
torch. Switch! As done by switch. Beam of light falls on eerie scene.
Ooh! There's someone strujling in a mattress. I will make a simple test
and find out what is in it.
Bb: I have shot him in his mattress!
Bn: Wanted: One large horse-hair-poultice-stuffed zeppelin disguised as a 7.20 train to Bradford, with Crun's Bank attached, last seen going in the direction of up, near Blackpool.
G: Neddie! How dare you strike Moriarty in the army boot with the full force of your teeth!
N: But wait - there's somebody in the dustbin with me. He's coming over. I'll- I'll pretend I haven't seen him.
H: Oh, look, Min, our own rubbish!
M: Henry - where shall we put it?
H: On the mantelpiece! Where people can see it!
Chisholm: The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows. Everything else was locked.
M: [puff] Ohhh, these cigarettes are strong, Henry.
M: Better not light them.
N: First I must ask you to empty your pockets.
Mo: All right.
[clatter] [clatter] [honk] [clatter] [clank] [clank] [clatter]
N: Quit stalling!
N: The first occupant of the coal cellar was a tall man wearing a monocle, a pair of knees and a small brown loaf.
N: Wait! What's this in the corner?
E: Shhh. Don't wake him up.
N: Why not?
E: He's asleep.
N: Here, let's have a look... These are the bagpipes!
E: Oh! I thought it was a spider in a tartan sweater!
Bb: Throws large stone. Forgets to let go, hits head on tree. AHOOO!
G: Dear, dear surgeon, you have overlooked one terrifying aspect of the dear
Count's condition. This man has the Spon Plague.
N: I've never heard of it.
G: That's because the Count is the first man to have caught it.
N: Are you sure?
G: He has all the symptoms, namely bare knees.
N: Is it catching?
G: Yes, stand back, please- Oh! I'm too late, yes, you've already caught it.
G: You have got the bare knees!
N: No, I haven't!
G: Roll your trousers up. There! Bare knees!
N: I've got the Spon!
M: Just sit nearer to Africa, it's warmer there, you know.
H: Yes, there's nothing like Africa to keep you nice and warm.
M: Nothing like an Africa, buddy.
Announcer: Yes, folks, do away with dirty coal. Keep yourselves warm with Africa. Africa is now on sale to anyone who wants to make it a second India.
H: You hear that, Min? You hear that, Min?
M: They'll knock Africa down and build flats there, cocky, you mark what I say!
H: Yes, yes. I wish Disraeli was back, Min.
M: He will be, Henry. He's just gone down to the shops.
Bb: Remember, we are boy scientists working for our country.
E: Dib-dib, dob-dob.
Bb: Picks up Union Jack, cleans boots.
E: 'Ere, Bottle. I got a rise yesterday.
Bb: How much?
E: Three inches!
O: Now, I propose- urgh! [thud]
H: Oh, dear, oh, he's dead, Min.
M: What, again?
H: Gentlemen, the chairman has just died.
H: We will send a fresh husband to the widow as soon as the weather permits.
H: Now, as he was saying... Min. Min, hold this chicken. Be careful, she's- What?
M: I don't know why you have to carry a chicken around, Henry.
H: Well it's the fog, Min. I always carry one when there's a fog.
M: What- what for?
H: Because chickens can't see where they're going in a fog. Unless it's a fog chicken, and there's no such thing as a fog chicken.
M: What are you talking about? There was no fog today!
H: Well, this isn't a fog chicken!
H: It's not a fog chicken!
N: Yes, I remember things, you know. Magna Carta, 1215...
Bb: You've had a good life, ain't you?
Bb: 'Ere, why ain't you got no clothes on?
E: I've just been making a phone call.
Bb: You don't have to undress for that!
E: Ha, ha! We learn something new every day!
Prosecutor: At 1 o'clock in the morning, Madam Dirt arose to clean the
W: I- I object!
Prosecutor: Who are you?
W: I'm the window-cleaner!
Prosecutor: I don't wish to know that. The fact that she was cleaning the windows is unimportant.
W: My bread and butter!
Prosecutor: What about your bread and butter?
W: I clean the windows with it!
H: I suggest that everyone entering Brighton be handed a bald wig, and that
he should sleep in that self-same wig.
M: Rubbish. If all the men wear bald wigs, the Phantom will attack the women.
H: I fear that the ladies too will have to wear bald wigs.
M: Rubbish, buddy. Why should I wear a bald wig? I'm already bald!
H: Well, wear a bald wig with hair on.
N: Do you usually have half your head shaved?
Bn: What?! OHHH! AND OH! Thud me gronkers with a grit club! OHHH! NAKAMIKAMOHH! YAKAMOHHH! OIAHAHOHHH!
N: Something in his voice told me he knew what had happened.
Bn: Oh, look at me nut, half-balded, oh!
N: Now, now, Major. There, there, this is really a blessing in disguise! You see, I must have interrupted him in his work. And we all know that a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
Bn: What? You mean you want me to wait here for him to come back and shave the other half?
N: It's your duty.
Bn: I refuse.
N: Then under Chinese law, I subpoena you!
Bn: You filthy swine!
G: What is this place?
N: The Victoria and Albert.
G: Oh, really? And which one are you?
N: I'm neither.
G: I'm pleased to meet you.
Bn: This pound note. What colour was it?
Bn: It's mine! Mine was green!
N: I daren't attack now, they're too many. I'll wait till they're both gone, and then I'll spring!
N: Did you hear that, Bloodnok - the million is mine if I become a
Bn: Quick! To Peruvia!
N: Wait a minute! This compass. What's the time by your watch?
N: Just as I thought. This compass is slow. It says twenty past two.
Bn: Great brown nutted nurglers! Those villains! They've switched the compass for the wristwatch.
N: Gad! And not being men of the sea, we don't know which is which!
Bn: Well! Now here's a pretty kettle of fish!
N: So it is, and a damned silly place to leave it!
Bn: Well, we can't stand here all day making these wonderful jokes.
N: You're right. Forward!
N: Stop! Stop! I think we're near a river.
Bn: Nonsense! No river could survive with me in it. I've been banned by the LCC Public Baths Anti-Pollution Committee.
N: I know. Let's get out of the water and see if our drawers cellular are wet.
N: They are wet. So this is a river!
Bn: What? Then I'll soon tell you its name. Give me that mug. [gulp] It's the Amazon.
N: How do you know?
Bn: It says so on the map, here.
N: A river on the map? We can't leave it there. Help me get it back into the water. One, two, hup!
Bn: Good shot, sir! Right between the banks!
N: How painful! Wait! What fools we are! How are we going to get the raft across? The river's full of water.
Bn: Well, it's quite simple. Build a bridge and carry it across! How else?
Announcer: Erm... yes. Well now, here is an announcement for listeners still wondering why this programme was called 'Drums Along the Mersey'. While the programme was being broadcast, there were in fact several drums beating along the Mersey. Those with their windows open may have heard them.
N: Could... could I do the job?
Sellers: Do it? It's right up your street.
N: Well, that'll save bus fares.
Sellers: They pay according to intelligence.
E: We can't live on nothing!
Sellers: Live on nothing? Ha, ha, ha! Rubbish!
N: And so we lived on rubbish.
E: Look up there! There's buzzards circling- there's buzzards circling
N: What are they doing up there?
N: Bloodnok- Bloodnok, do you think they're waiting- waiting to eat us?
Bn: Not sure, but keep your eyes on the ones carrying knives and forks.
N: Look! We're saved! Look! A house!
E: It is! A house! A house!
Bn: It's not, it's a mirage.
N: Nonsense, it's a house surrounded by trees. Let's go in.
[sound of door opening]
Bn: I still say it's a mirage.
N: Nonsense! Bluebottle, Eccles, search the house for food.
Bb: All right, then.
N: So, Bloodnok. You think this house is a mirage, eh? We'll soon see! Wait! It's vanished! Gone! You were right. A mirage.
Bn: I told you it was.
E: OWWWWWW- [thud] OW!
Bn: Eccles! What happened?
E: I was upstairs!
N: What? A fake bullet-hole? What does this mean?
G: He was murdered by a fake bullet.
Undertaker: My business is falling off, you know, and-
N: You mean people don't want their unders taken any more?
N: Then where's the gun?
G: He didn't use one. He pointed his finger at his head and went bang.
N: Ridiculous! How can a man shoot himself by pointing his finger at his head like this and going-
Undertaker: Mine, I think.
N: It was poker. Poker with a vengeance. The tables were surrounded
by excited spectators. The bids were a million francs a time. I
raised them two million. I felt confident. I had the best poker
hand I'd ever had.
Narrator: It all depended on one player to call. Finally he did:
N: Snap?! You ragged idiot! We're playing poker!
E: Oh! Well, I'm winning, ain't I?
Narrator: Yes, you are, blast you.
N: This man's impossible. I refuse to play at this table.
Narrator: So do I.
E: Me too. Where shall we go, fellas?
N: The ambulance is outside.
E: Ambulance? I'm not sick!
N: You will be, it's going to run over you.
N: I don't trust Grytpype and Moriarty.
Bn: And I don't trust Moriarty and Grytpype.
N: Well, keep an eye on my two first, then we'll settle yours.
N: Throw another unpaid Bill on the fire. And while you're about it, throw on a couple of unpaid Freds.
N: Mr. Crun! 2 o'clock! Time for your revenge!
H: You're right, we must save my Modern Min from Ancient Bloodnok.
N: Yes. Here, put this bomb in his coffee.
H: Won't it keep him awake?
Bn: Come out, Min, or I- [gulp] - I've swallowed a penny! I'm rich!
Mo: Oh. Oh, dear. Don't panic, sir! Let's have a- let's have a drink together.
Bn: A fine idea.
Mo: Here's to you, and your penny.
Bn: Ah. Castor oil! And after that coffee! No, no!
N: Did he say coffee?
H: Has he drunk it yet, sir?
[sound of penny hitting the ground]
H: Is this an official visit?
N: I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on.
H: Oh, dear, that'll mean re-potting the geranium.
M: And the baby, too.
N: Is this the place where there's been a murder?
G: Yes. Which murder are you enquiring about?
N: Which murder? How many have there been?
N: That's the one.
Bb: Corpse? Did you say that was a corpse, my Captain? AHOO! Turn white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint but manages to hold onto drainpipe.
N: Listen, Auntie Min and Uncle Hen. I know you love children, but isn't it
time I was weaned?
H: Listen, Min, he's trying to talk!
H: Let's go in and I'll show you how to bend mangoes. Forward with
M: Leather forever.
N: Let me join you! I'm facing in the same direction, what could be
Bn: Spoons on you, spoons!
Bn: Have you ever had any experience in King Arthur's sword-finding?
N: I took a course in it at Oxford, you know, and was sent down with flying colours and a pound of 24-hour quick-dry liquorice.
Bn: Oh! But does your granny wear a bowler?
Bn: Then you're my man!
H: You get on baiting those elephant traps.
M: I don't see the point of them, you know.
M: We've never caught one.
H: That doesn't mean we must stop trying, Min of mine. Think of the dangers! Supposing you came down one morning for a cream-strainer, and found an elephant in the larder, eh?
M: Well, I've never seen an elephant in the larder.
H: That is because they're hiding, Min of mine.
M: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that! Where do elephants hide, buddy?
H: Well, I don't know, Saxophone-Min, but it's clear to me that they must hide somewhere. How else could they get away with it for so long?
H: Let me take your hat and coat.
N: Thank you.
H: Min - throw these on the fire.
N: It seems as though I'll have to stay the night. Do you have a bed?
H: Not on me, sir, we keep them all upstairs.
N: Superstitious, eh? Well, have you a spare room?
H: Yes, sir, it's in the spare room.
H: Stop! Stop, stop! This spoon is out of tune, Min. Have you been eating
with it again?
H: Then what's that you're stirring the soup with?
M: A violin.
N: Why have you deserted your post?
Bn: It's got woodworm, sir.
Bn: I claim the South Pole in the name of Gladys Ploog of 13 The Sebastibal
N: Who is she, sir?
Bn: I don't know, but obviously we're doing her a big favour.
N: Splendid, ring again tomorrow and we'll have another game.
N: Pardon me, but that old hatstand appears to be animate.
Policeman: Any nut-cases in your family?
N: No, mostly leather.
Policeman: I see. Now, these gold plates, are they valuable, sir?
N: Yes, they had food on them.
Policeman: Right! So that's sixty large gold plates and sixty small... anything else?
N: Oh, yes, one coal sack.
Policeman: Is it valuable?
N: Yes, it's got the plates inside.
G: Put my three bags atop of the coach for Nottingham.
E: Forsooth, I will do that, I say. Sooth, sooth, sooth, sooth and sooth.
G: Who manner of an idiot is this that keeps saying 'sooth'?
E: Little does he know... that I'm a soothsayer!
Mo: Blat! Thud! Blat! Blam!
Bn: Club! Whack! Robin, we can't keep this up much longer. Will they never arrive?
Bn: Those blasted sound effects men.
N: Friar Crun! A wedding! Let two be joined as one.
H: Now, do you take this... what is it?
Maid Marian: Man.
H: ...man... yes... Do you take this man to be your husband?
N: And so Eccles and I left the village. As we reached the top of the hill,
we turned and waved, and the villagers replied...
Announcer: For years we heard nothing from Neddie. And then, one day...
Sellers: We heard nothing from him again.
Announcer: We put a light in the window. Nothing much happened, except the house burnt down.
G: May I make a suggestion?
G: Well, you could be the first man to break the world land speed record in a wurlitzer.
N: I've never heard such a ridiculous idea!
G: Neither have I, but there it is.
Bb: Then it's true what the recruiting posters say!
E: What do the recruiting posters say?
Bb: They say you're somebody in the modern army of today.
E: Oh! And what are you?
Bb: I'm somebody in the modern army of today.
E: Oh, I wondered who you were... How did you join?
Bb: Well, I was in the street, writing something on a wall.
Bb: No! I was only writing my name.
E: Oh. Well, wouldn't they know who'd done it, then?
Bb: No, I didn't sign it.
E: Oh, you got brains, Bottle. Well, go on.
Bb: Then up comes a naughty hairy man wearing a soldier's hat, and he says, 'Little Finchley lad! You don't want to write your name in silly chalk. You want to write your name in ink!' And then I said, 'Where?' And he said, 'On this nice military dotted line.' So I sign it. And then they said, 'Can you play the piano?' And I said, 'Yes.' And here I am.
G: Tell them who we are.
Mo: Moriarty and Grytpype.
N: Keep your chin up, Major!
N: It's in the soup.
N: This is going to hurt a little.
Sellers: So saying, he hit me. Oh!
N: That 'Oh' was said by Peter Sellers in the absence of a man called Fred F-tang.
N: But hark! What light through yonder window breaks?
[sound of window being smashed]
H: Marley is dead... Marley is dead...
Marley: No, I'm not!
H: Yes, you are! Now, to enter certain things in the all-weather leather ledgers... One barrel of blunger's violet stone-and-ginger purge... One gel of a rare leopard oil, in newts... One box of feathered shirt-lifters... Oh!
H: Who is it?
N: Short man, can't reach the knocker.
N: What's the date today?
E: 24th of December! Christmas Eve!
N: So they've both fallen on the same day! Must be slippery.
H: Yes, well, I don't think we can wait any longer for any more laughs on that one. Now, back to work or I'll belt your nut in!
N: But Mr. Scrooge, it's Christmas Eve, a time of good will and custard!
H: So it is. Merry Christmas, Scratchit.
N: Merry Christmas!
H: Now, get back to your desk or I'll belt your nut in!
N: Please, Mr. Scrooge, can't I go home two seconds early tonight?
H: Two seconds? You must be mad!
N: I'm as sane as the next bloke.
E: I'm the next bloke, folks.
Announcer: It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of five in the evening.
M: Come on boy, beg for your supper. Up, up, sit up, sit up. Put this
sausage on your nose. There, there's a clever boy.
H: I'm fed up having my breakfast like this.
G: Moriarty, time for your OWWW.
Announcer: We present... The Curse of Frankenstein.
Sellers: We present the play of the week, entitled...
Chisholm: My Heart's in the Highlands, But My Feet are in Bombay, or, I Was the Victim of a Terrible Explosion.
Mo: OWWW. OWWW.
G: That's your pair of OWWWs complete for the day.
N: But what are the short ones without beards?
Bn: Oh, those are Eskimos.
N: And what are the ones with beards?
Bn: Those are Eskimos who haven't shaved.
N: I see. Well, why do only half of them shave?
Bn: So that they can tell the difference. Can we have music to this bit, please?
[violin starts up]
Bn: Thank you.
N: Tell the difference from what?
Bn: Between those with beards and those without.
S: I don't like this, Jim.
N: Shut up.
Bn: Shut up. Shut up.
N: Silly fool. To avoid all this confusion, why don't the ones without beards grow beards?
Bn: Well, that would be rather unfair.
N: Unfair? Why?
Bn: The ones without beards are women, you see. That's how they tell the difference, you understand.
N: This is ridiculous! I've never known of families growing beards to differentiate between the sexes. Have you, Eccles?
E: Oh, yeah! It happened in my family. When I was young, I couldn't tell the difference between my mother and father, so, my father made my mother grow a beard!
N: Ah. And you were able to tell the difference!
N: Why not?
E: My father had a beard too!
N: Seagoons have never flinched from death. I can see it all
now... I'll fight till my ammunition's gone. I'll say to the
other men: 'Lads, make your way back as best you can.' Me,
I'll stay on. I'll fight on barehanded until I'm
overpowered, and then I'll swallow my secret code. They'll
torture me... I won't speak. It'll mean the firing squad -
ha, ha, ha, ha. So what? They'll say: 'Any last requests?'
I'll say: 'Yes, damn you, I want evening dress.' I'll take
my time, and put it on with my full miniatures. 'Blindfold?'
they'll say. Ha, ha, ha. Blindfold. The rifles will come up,
the click as the cartridges ram home. They're taking aim!
I'll be smiling that carefree, daredevil smile. The officer
will raise his sword, the volley will ring out, and I'll
slump smiling to the floor... dead.
Col. Chinstrap: Well, Seagoon?
N: I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!
N: And Hugh?
Milligan: Yes, sir?
N: Hugh... say goodbye to Penelope for me.
Milligan: Yes, sir. Goodbye, Penelope!
N: Not yet, you fool! When you see her, darling, when you see her. Tell her... Tell her...
N: I can't think of anything to tell her.
Milligan: Well, I'll tell her that, then.
N: Gad, how we've loved! Yes! Passionate? By heavens! She's a hot little number!
Milligan: Yes, so I found out after I married her.
N: Yes, well, fair shares for all!
N: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
G: Put on this mask, strap it to your knee, then, glue this bearded wig to
Mo: There. How do I look?
G: It's too early to say.
E: I arrest you for the murder of Bluebottle!
W: He ain't dead!
E: Oh, well, you just watch it, that's all.
M: Boil, cauldron, boil. Oh! Eye of newt, leg of toad, eagle's knee, shell
of snail. Eeheeheeheehee.
H: Mistress Bannister. What is that hellish fiend brew?
M: It's your laundry, Henry.
Servant: Pardon me, would you like your coffee on the balcony?
G: Haven't you any cups?
Bn: Dear sir, I am a keen art student of twenty-one. Please forward to me in the plain wrappers your continental selection of students' art studies. Signed, Augustus John.
N: We have to break camp and smash crockery and hurl elephants.
Announcer: Meanwhile, back in 1600, the good ship Venus approaches.
N: Great spollikons! Look yon silhouette against the darkness! I see the Tower of London!
Announcer: Meantime, in 1957...
Bn: Gad! Silhouetted against the darkness, a wooden galleon sailing into the Pool of London! Fire!
Announcer: Back in 1600...
Announcer: Meantime in 1957, two figures with Crown Jewels creep along,
which makes the people in 1600 say:
N: Gadzooks! What strangely clad mortals!
Bb: Eccles, save me!
E: Where are you?
Bb: In the water in 1957!
E: Oh, I can't help you then.
Bb: Why not?
E: I'm in 1600.
Bb: You can't be in there in that 1600 there! I can see you quite clearly.
E: Ah, but in 1957 you got all them good National Health spectacles.
Bb: Well, you can borrow mine, and be the man sees no-one touches them, and then you can pull me up!
E: I don't know what he means... but I can't do that. I'm not really... I'm really, I'm really not here.
Bb: What do you mean by that, my good man?
E: I'll tell you, my good man. If... this is 1957. You said this is 1957? Say yes.
E: Well if this is 1957, I'm dead.
Bb: Then why are you standing up?
E: Um. Well, I'm not in- oh, ah! I'll tell you why I'm standing up. 'Cos I'm in 1600 and you're not born yet.
Bb: Well, wait till I tell my Mum that. My Dad won't half cop it.
Announcer: On a crude wooden bench sit two crude wooden men.
Mo: Ohhh. Oh. Grytpype, I don't like it! I don't like it a bit!
G: Well, spit it out then.
Mo: What are we doing in this Labour Exchange?
G: We're going to sign on and draw the moolah.
Mo: Ow! What if they find us... work?
G: That is a risk we will have to take!
G: Shut up, you fool. Do you want to get arrested for committing a public OWWW?
N: Pardon me.
G: That's quite all right, accidents will happen.
G: Moriarty... fry that sound effect, we'll have it for breakfast.
M: Henry, the dog wants to come in.
H: That naughty dog, always forgetting his keys. All right, come in, Psycho.
H: Yes, he's our pet mad dog, you know. Come in, you naughty Psycho.
Announcer: Woof, woof.
H: Where have you been, you mad dog?
Announcer: Out in the mid-day sun.
N: AHHH! He talks!
H: I told you he was mad.
N: But dogs can't talk!
H: I know, I've told him. He never listens. May as well talk to a brick wall, you know.
W: Wait a minute, 'ere! You can't fool me about with all that clever talk,
mate. You gotta pay for the ticket. Nah, where did you get on?
N: Curse, the game's up. Well now, er... what was that last station?
W: Fun Junction.
N: That's it! That's where I got on!
W: But we didn't stop there!
N: Do you think it was easy?
W: Look, where are you going to?
N: The next station.
W: Right, that'll be 18 shillings and thrupence.
N: Right, there we are.
W: Thank you.
N: Fool. Ha, ha. Little does he know that the real fare is not 18 and thrupence but 32 pounds, six shillings.
W: Little does he know that I'm nothing to do with the railway at all.
H: Here is a photo of the Russian master spy, Igor Blimey. He's escaped from
every prison camp in Europe.
N: There's nothing on this photograph.
H: He's escaped again!
Bb: Unscrews false kneecap, takes out secret gun. Am in agony, as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. AHEE! It still hurts, though.
N: Rather than surrender we gave ourselves up.
Bn: I'd come with you myself if it weren't for this terrible hand-painted wound on my foot.
Cecile Chevreau: I only had eyes for him and he only had eyes for me.
Bn: That explains why we fell over a cliff.
N: Listen, Moriarty! There's someone hiding inside you.
E: What's going on here?
E: Oh, I'll clear off then.
N: And furthermore, there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Lieutenant Seagoon! You say there is discontent among the troops?
N: Yes, there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Why do you say there is discontent among the troops?
N: Because there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: I see. You say there is discontent among the troops because there is discontent among the troops.
N: Yes. I say there is discontent among the troops because there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Yes, well, it all sounds reasonable to me.
H: I'm washing the dinner plates, Min.
M: But we haven't had dinner yet, Henry.
H: Ah, but I'm washing them now so that we won't have to wash them after.
M: Oh! Was that you, Henry?
H: No, that was the elephant, Min.
M: What's the elephant doing in the kitchen?
H: Helping, Min.
M: Is he drying up?
H: No, he feels quite moist, Min. He's cooking the din, Min.
M: I told you not to let him cook the dinner. You know that's the gorilla's job. Shoo, naughty elephant, shoo!
H: You know that elephant was helping me build my giant bombardon in the cellar.
M: I don't know what we want a giant bombardon for.
H: Well, if you sleep in the barrel of it, Min-
M: It's your turn in the barrel, Henry.
H: Sleeping in the barrel, Min - it gets rid of rheumatism of the knee! My uncle slept in a cannon once.
M: Oh. What did it get rid of?
H: It got rid of my uncle, Min.
M: Come on, put your feet up.
H: You shouldn't have done that from the standing position.
G: Step on it!
N: So saying, he threw down a dog-end.
N: The door was opened by a heavily strained wreck, wearing the string remains of an ankle-loaf vest, a second-hand trilby and both feet in one sock.
M: Where's Henry?
N: He's been buried alive under a thousand tons of earth.
M: Thank heaven he's safe!
Bn: She doesn't look very well. We must get her to a graveyard as soon as possible.
Bn: Ooh, I've been through hell to get here.
N: There must be a cooler route?
Bn: Yes, I was surrounded by a Jap patrol. But I soon had them crawling for me on their hands and knees.
N: How's that?
Bn: I hid in a drainpipe. Shhh! There's someone outside the window. Look out!
N: What is it?
Bn: It's a gramophone record!
N: Quick! Put it on!
[record of window smashing]
N: (What is it?)
Bn: (It's a gramophone record!)
N: (Quick! Put it on!)
[record of record of window smashing]
N: ((What is it?))
Bn: ((It's a gramophone record!))
N: ((Quick! Put it on!))
[record of record of record of window smashing]
N: (((What is it?)))
Bn: (((It's a gramophone record!)))
N: (((Quick! Put it on!)))
[record of record of record of record of window smashing]
N: ((((What is it?))))
Bn: ((((It's a gramophone record!))))
N: ((((Quick! Put it on!))))
Bn: ((((Right!)))) Stretch me scallybonkers and flatten me Doreen Lundies! It's a Japanese mirror trick! We shall have to get out of here.
N: Yes, yes, yes. Now, what about the plane?
Bn: The plane, the plane... Ooh! Ooh, heavens!
N: What's up?
Bn: Ooh, heavens. Look, if I tell, promise you won't blow up.
N: I promise.
Bn: I forgot to order it!
Bn: You promised!
N: Major Bloodnok! You're holding a pistol in your hand, and it's
Bn: Yes, it steadies its nerves, you know.
N: Dawn, December the 25th. Have been airborne eight hours. Altitude twenty thousand feet. Magnificent day. Plane running very smoothly. Engines in perfect condition. No wind. Ideal weather for flying. Crashed.
Announcer: The sound you are hearing is Neddie and Eccles driving a wall at speed.
Mo: My nerves are strained to breaking point.
Mo: There goes one now!
Bb: Moves right, puts dreaded dynamite under sijnal box for safety. Does not notice dreaded wires leading to plunger in sijnal cabin. Thinks: I'm in for the dreaded deading this week all right.
N: My name is- no, you'll laugh. But the fact is, I was christened King Arthur Seagoon!
W: 'Ello, 'ello, ello! Who's this kipping on the floor? What's this label round his neck say? 'I am the new tenant here.' Oh, are you mate! What's this second label say? 'Yes, I am!' Well, I'll just tie this label saying 'Wake up, mate' round his neck...
N: You! What are you doing here? And I say, why are you taking my hat off?
Why are you parting my hair in the middle? I say, why are you chalking a
cross on my head? Why are you raising that iron girder and sighting it
towards my nut? Why are you- OWWW!
W: Ooh! You nutted him, mate!
N: When's the next train to London town divine?
W: Ask that hairy doggy over there.
N: Ask the doggy? Does he speak?
W: Does he what? Does he speak? Eh? 'Ere, listen! Listen to this! 'Ere, 'ello, dog! 'Ello, doggy! Go on, tell him, dog!
W: No, he don't speak.
Bb: 'Ere! There's a big spider out there!
E: I ain't frightened of big spiders! I'll fix him!
[sound of Eccles fighting]
Bb: 'Ere! Where's all your clothes?
E: Bottle, say after me: 'I must learn the difference between a lion and a spider.'
Bn: I bet you five pounds you'll live forever, starting now!
Bn: You've done it! You've lived forever!
Announcer: This is the BBC. Enter a short idiot.
N: Good evening, folks. I commence by walking backwards for Christmas.
N: It's all the rage!
N: From the waist downwards, Bloodnok was tattooed with a pair of false legs... facing the wrong way.
Bn: Splendid. We can drive on and continue engaging the enemy in that tree
in the back of the lorry all at the same time.
N: A magnificent expose of the plot, Bloodnok.
Bn: Thank you.
N: And under enemy fire too!
Bn: Of course.
N: Have a knighthood.
Bn: Ooh, ta, mate.
G: Yes, that was a brilliant idea of mine that you thought of.
Announcer: We included that recording of a cockerel for people who like that sort of thing.
Bb: Lays on ground, closes eyes, does imitation of cardboard snoring.
Home Secretary: Are those rifles loaded?
W: No, but we're not telling you that, mate.
Prime Minister: Is Stalin behind this revolution?
Prime Minister: Is Lenin?
N: No, Len's out.
M: This bed's all right, Henry. It's still got four legs.
H: Yes, but two of them are mine.
G: Now then, Ned - off with your clothes, Neddie.
N: There - how do I look?
G: I suppose he makes somebody happy. Hold this rice pudding.
N: Gad, that sun's hot.
E: Well, you shouldn't touch it.
N: Well, it's touched you. Just then I caught a glimpse of the label round his head. It said: 'Early English idiot, circa 1899'.
N: What's your name?
E: Ah, the hard ones first, eh?
Bn: Now, let us phone up this warehouse. W-A-R-E-H-O-U-S-E.
N: Major - I can hear a phone ringing in your warehouse.
Bn: Oh, er, run in and answer it, will you?
N: Right. Hello?
Bn: Ah, is that the monster warehouse?
Bn: Could I speak to the owner, please?
N: Well, er, he's outside. I'll get him. Major! You're wanted on the phone!
Bn: Mm? Oh, er, well, hang on to this one for me, will you?
N: All right.
Bn: I believe someone wanted to speak to me.
N: Yes, I'll just call him. Major Bloodnok! You're wanted on the phone.
Bn: Oh, er, well, hang on to the one in the warehouse, will you?
Bn: Ah, is that the monster warehouse?
Bn: Could I speak to the owner, please?
N: But he's outside. I'll get him. Major! You're wanted on the phone.
Bn: Oh, er, well, hang on to this one for me, will you?
Bb: Have you ever been on holiday in Corsica before?
E: No, but I once made a dog kennel out of elastic.
Bb: Oh. There's something to be said for these premium bonds, then.
Bb: I think the government is very clever, you know. I won 25 pounds in a premium bond draw.
E: What... what's clever about that?
Bb: I never bought any premium bonds!
E: Oh! And I made a hole in the front.
Bb: What for?
E: For the dog to get in and out.
Bb: Oh! That's nice for the doggie... that's nice and fine for the doggie. I say, Eccles. Why are you not wearing any trousers?
E: Well, it's lunchtime.
Bb: Oh! What did you have for lunch?
E: My trousers.
G: Moriarty - go and slam the door in his face.
Mo: He hasn't got a door in his face.
G: Then he's trapped, and he can't get out!
W: Listen, mate!
W: There it is again, mate!
W: And again, mate. Unless I'm mistaken it's gonna go-
W: -again, mate!
N: I wonder what it is, mate.
W: It's a bell ringing, mate.
N: There you go, jumping to conclusions!
N: There, standing in the doorway, was a bag of dust in a night-shirt. Old
wrinkled retainer! My retinue and I require kippo for the night! I'm
willing to pay.
H: Min? I think he wants to go out!
N: [gulp] Who wants to go out?
H: We don't know what it is, but when it wants to go it screams.
Bn: I'm lost, dear fellow, lost, completely lost. Me and the regiment were marching along, you know, and suddenly, quite by accident, me and the regimental funds took the wrong turning.
N: I was the world's highest paid idiot. When this became known I was asked to join the big five, of which only seven were still alive.
Bn: Do you know what happened to me this morning?
N: Yes, I don't know.
Bn: A scruffy little urchin threw a kippered herring at me. He threw it at me!
N: Did you close with him?
Bn: Of course not. He was only a kid. I mean, he doesn't know any better. Wasn't meaning any harm. Well, I mean, I'd have done it myself when I was young. He was only having fun.
N: Yes, but what did you do?
Bn: I threw him under a steamroller!
N: Ah, you sentimental fool.
Bn: Yes! I say, you wouldn't care for a rather unique bookmark, would you?
Bb: I shall not speak! No words shall pass my lips! Beat me, torture me, burn me with red-hot irons! I will not speak... until it hurts.
N: Yes, Captain Seagoon - Oxford University; King's College, Cambridge; Trinity College, Dublin; ha, ha - I know where they all are!
N: Mr. Crun, British Railways want you to grow them six thousand acres of
mustard and cress - in the Amazon.
H: Very well, I'll get my hat. Min!
M: What did you say?
H: I'm just going to the Amazon.
M: Be careful.
H: I'll be away for six years, Min.
M: I'll put your dinner in the oven, Henry.
Bn: Do you think Gladstone's forgotten us?
E: That's one question I can't answer.
Bn: Why not?
E: That's another question I can't answer.
Bn: Spoken like an idiot.
E: My speciality.
Bn: So I've noticed. Well, no milk, so we'll make tea without it.
E: But we ain't got any tea!
Bn: Very well then, we'll make it without tea as well.
E: But you can't make tea without milk!
Bn: Then, and I could, we'll make milk without tea!
E: Milk without tea? Tea without milk? I think the Major's mad.
Bn: Little does he know that I am perfectly sane, and it's Mad Dan Eccles who is mad!
E: Ah, Major. He must be loony. He wants tea without milk or tea or milk!
Bn: Little does he know that if he calls me loony just once more, I shall let him have it with me old gun here.
E: Little does he know that I unloaded his gun, because I knew he was mad!
E: How many sugars, Major?
Bn: None! I never take sugar with no tea or no milk.
N: I'd expected to find the Major in a sumptuous Whitehall office.
Bn: Ah, but no. I was a simple soldier, and content to defend London from a quiet country field in a little iron room five hundred feet below ground.
Bn: I surrender! I surrender! I surrender, I surrender!
N: I'm Corporal Seagoon!
Bn: What? [sings] There'll always be an England... Oh, come in, lad. Have they invaded yet?
N: No, sir.
Bn: Haul down that German flag.
N: Major! You're not thinking of surrender?
Bn: What? A Bloodnok never surrenders! I never get near enough. See also my war biography, 'A Bloodnok Never Surrenders' by Major Dennis Bloodnok, POW.
N: This is it - build a full-scale cardboard replica of England, anchor it off the coast of Germany, then, when the Germans have invaded it, we tow it out to sea... and pull the plug out.
N: Now, which one of you two is Mr. Crun?
M: I'm Miss Bannister.
N: Never mind who you are. Which one is Henry Crun?
M: Don't tell him, Henry!
H: No! I'm not going to tell him, Min. In any case... in any case, why do you want to know my name?
N: Mr. Crun! You make cardboard models and scenery.
H: If I was Mr. Crun... which I'm not admitting... yes, I do.
N: Can you invent a waterproof gas stove within the hour?
H: A waterproof gas stove? Oh, it's going to be very difficult. Very difficult, you know. You can't get the wood, you know.
N: Can't you?
H: No, you can't get the wood. Very difficult. Can't get it.
N: Have you ever built such a thing before?
H: Well, in a manner of speaking... no. Can't get the wood, you see. It's all very difficult.
N: Is there no way?
H: Oh, yes, definitely, definitely. But it will be difficult.
H: Because you can't get the wood.
N: I can get you the wood.
H: Ah, well, that's going to be very difficult.
H: I won't be able to go round saying you can't get the wood any more.
N: How are we to get the waterproof gas stove to the garrison? Drop it by
Bn: Impossible, sir, impossible. The fort is invisible from the air, and worse still...
N: Yes, yes?
Bn: The air is invisible from the fort. Oh!
N: By road, then.
Bn: No road.
N: Up the river.
N: Down the river.
N: Across the river, into the trees.
Bn: No, no.
N: Why not?
Bn: No trees.
N: Then across the trees and into the river!
Bn: No river.
N: By train?
Bn: Doesn't run.
N: Why not?
Bn: No railway.
N: Could we build one?
Bn: No, the river would wash it away.
N: You said there was no river!
Bn: Ah, it's behind the trees.
N: But a moment ago you said there weren't any trees either!
Bn: Ah, but they've grown since then, you know. They just can't stand still for you, you know.
H: Now, close the oven door from the outside and bring it in after you.
E: Just a minute! Close it from the outside and bring it in after me? That would mean climbing through it when it's shut and not opening it until I get through...
N: Eccles, what are you waiting for?
E: I dunno how to do it!
S: Neddie, lad - play something nice for the gentleman.
S: Hark at that, sir.
S: Hark at that.
G: This lad has the gift of melody! Melody divine! Play it in a different key, boy!
[thud] [thud] [thud]
G: Stop, stop, please.
S: Please, stop, Neddie, the gentleman is overcome.
G: Do you know, I found that tune quite touching. What was it?
G: You shouldn't sit so far away, lad.
N: I don't mind, except when it rains.
N: I'm outside.
G: Don't you find it difficult to follow what the teacher's saying?
N: Oh, no - I can't hear him.
G: I do wish there were more idiots like you.
N: But there are more idiots like me... AREN'T THERE?
H: Do a mime of getting on your motorbike and posting this telegram at
N: Wouldn't it go quicker by phone?
H: I didn't know you could travel by phone! Hahahahahaha!
H: Hahaha! Oh dear, dear, dear. Hahaha! Did you- did you hear my joke, Min?
M: Hahaha... Yes, I heard it, Henry.
H: Was it funny, Min?
H: Min... Min's falling to bits. She's a loose woman, you know.
N: Mind what you say, or we will have you incarcerated!
G: The unkindest cut of all.
N: Get out or I'll fetch you one.
Bb: No, no, I can fetch it myself, thank you. Don't shout at me, please! I have got two O-levels and a budgerigar.
N: Bluebottle, open this door, or I'll break every bone in my fist!
H: Min, are you sure the correct way to tune an upright is with a Chinese
M: My mother swore by it.
H: Well, it's not working this time.
M: Well, try swearing, then.
H: Listen, you bloody chicken... There's a label on its leg, Min.
H: It says, 'Manufacturer's warning: This chicken is a Bombay duck.'
N: Bloodnok, stop that!
Bn: Yes! Which way did it go?
Bn: Now, this uniform goes back to Moss Brothers tomorrow.
Thing: Yes, sir, there's the deposit on it.
Bn: Oh, that'll brush off, don't worry.
N: What are you doing down here?
E: Everybody's got to be somewhere.
N: Yes, but who are you?
E: Oh, the hard ones first, eh? Well, I don't want you to spread this around, but I'm the coal man.
N: A coal man? It's three in the morning!
E: Yep! Never too late to be a coal man!
N: What I mean is, after you deliver coal, you're supposed to go back to the cart!
E: Oh! You mean I should have let go of the sack?
E: I haven't touched a drop!
Bb: It's me, Blumebottuns.
E: Oh! My friend!
Bb: Yes, I'm your friend! You remember me?
E: I remember you!
Bb: Yes, why do you not open the door?
E: Okay, I'll- How do you open a door?
Bb: You turn the knob on your side.
E: I haven't got a knob on my side!
Bb: On the door!
E: Oh! I'll soon get the hang of that.
Bb: Hello, Little Jim.
L: [incomprehensible jabbering]
Bb: Eccles... I do not understand what he is saying.
E: Say that again, Little Jim.
L: Okay. [incomprehensible jabbering]
E: He says he doesn't understand what he's saying either.