| Our Story, how we became an "Us" |
| Martin and I had met online in August of 1996 in a very nice and friendly chatroom. At first, I was more friendly with a guy named Aaron who is also from Canada and Martin was more friendly with a girl named Leticia from Brazil. Actully, we were all friends and there were quite a few neat people in there and from all over the world; U.S.A., Canada, Brazil, New Zeland, Australia, and England. We had a very nice time together for quite sometime and many of these people met in real life. It was a lot of fun. I had told most of them that they were welcome to come visit me if they ever came to California (and the same went in reverse). About 6 months after I had met Martin, I got pregnant with my son Darien and during that pregnancy, Martin and I became very good friends, but JUST friends. Martin was a great deal younger than I and I was married with children. I never intended, nor wanted to get a divorce, but I was not really happy, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to be. My marriage was lacking one huge ingredient, FRIENDSHIP, the bond of friendship and all that comes with that. Trust, respect, and most importantly, communication. Well, I filled that need by meeting people and communicating. I had a husband who had a life aside from me. He called it work, but it was more than that in my eyes. He would always use work as an excuse for everything. He needed this or that for his work, he had to spend money to be better at his work. He could never be home for me or his kids, because his work was more important. I had often discussed with him these things, I told him what my needs were, but it seemed that he did not have a need to suit my needs, just his own. I lived in a house, with people, but felt so lonely, and when the only times he was nice to me, was when he wanted something. This made me feel used. But, I had made a commitment and kept trying to make justifications as to why I should stay; The kids, he could be worse, he dosen't beat me up, he does try to provide, the kids need a dad, and I did not want to put my kids through divorce and I did not want to become another statistic. All these things seemed like good reasons to stay, and I had no intention of leaving, unless it got worse. So, I had no other intention on the internet other than to fill a void, a void that my husband refused to fill. His idea of communication was a fight, and no matter that I was the one who felt victimized, he always had to make it be about him. He was the one who always had to be the victim and nothing was ever solved. Oh, things would simmer down but I was still left, lonely, feeling like I was less of a person then he was and that basically, I was not important, especially in the emotional needs department. Don't get me wrong, all my physical needs were always met, and that made is easier to justify staying. Anyway, back to the story of Martin. We began talking of him possibly coming to California, Martin had never left his province of Quebec and had never been in an English enviroment. So the idea seemed neat. Arrangements were made, he saved his money and he came for my birthday in February 1999. At this time I was 7 months pregnant with Jaiden. He spent half his trip with me and the other half with another online friend Anna. While he was there, my other online friend Lane, who I met first, happened to be my grandfathers age lived just up the street from me and we had met and often had coffee together, had an idea to all meet and have dinner at the Olive Garden. So, Martin, Anna, Lane, Sig and I all went out to dinner and Lane picked up the tab. It was nice evening. After Martin spent the rest of the second half of his trip he came back and stayed the last night at my place and Sig and I took him to the airport. It was just a nice normal friendly visit. During the next two years, we remained friends nothing more, not even a thought of more. But I still remained feeling empty, I had plenty of material things, 4 beautiful handsom healthy sons, a very darling home in Buena Park, a nice van to drive. I had a lot, and a lot to be grateful for, but I was not happy, and I was not sure why. Maybe I did not want to know why, maybe I thought I should not complain, but still that empty void remained. It made me loose sight of who I really was, I felt like I was plugged into vacuum and all my life was being sucked out of me. The person who I was supposed to talk to was not there for me. The person who was supposed to comfort me, was unavailabe. I felt that with each altercation that occured, I was dying inside little by little. I was afraid that soon, I would be of no use to anyone, not even myself. I needed something, someone, but I was not sure if what I needed existed. So I thought is was nice when my friend said he wanted to come for another visit. Wow! The company of who had slowly become my best friend, not just an internet buddy, but a real true friend. So he saved his money and came for another visit. The next 2 weeks were wonderful! I had so much fun spending time with my friend. He never wanted anything from me, he always just seemed to make me happy. If I needed something while he was reading or playing a video game, he dropped what he was doing and helped me. I was more important, just as a friend, plain and simple. We had fun together and just really enjoyed are purely plationic relationship. Neither one of us seemed to be attracted to the other in any other way than friends, and it was really nice and refreshing. I had never been so comfortable with someone, and I had never felt so safe. I had a very enjoyable time with my friend! On the night before he had to go back to Quebec, I felt strange. We were at Knotts Berry Farm having a good time, I was trying to convince him to go on Supreme Scream, but I did not succeed...almost, but not quite. Instead, we had fun riding the River Rapids over and over! It all of a sudden hit me, that he was leaving the next day, and I began to feel sad, lonely and fearful again. But why was I feeling like this? Maybe it was because I was going to miss him! I wanted to say something to him, but what?? I wanted to tell him how I was feeling, but I myself did not know. I recall a thought running through my head "Everything I have ever wanted in a man is right here, in my best friend" Uh oh! That was my very next thought. Could it be possible that I liked him as more than a friend? NO! No way! He does not even like me, he is searching for his one and only and he has never even hinted that it might be me, as a matter of fact, he was thinking it might be this one girl in particular, he wanted to get to know her better but he was too shy. I had spent most of his trip trying to get him to ask her out on a date, and he was seriously thinking about it if he could find the nerve. But now, what was going on with me? Why was I all of a sudden feeling this way? Could I have unknowingly fallen in love with him? Nah! Did not want to go there! Should I say something to him? Oh boy, what would I say? Besides, what could I say? I did not know anything myself, except that I knew I was going to miss him more than I should. Well, I did not say anything and he left the next day. It took all I had in me not to break down and cry, that would have been impossible to explain! When I got home I had to take the sheets of the pull out sofa bed to wash them, and I found myself putting the sheets to my face and smelling them before dumping them into the washing machine. What the heck was that all about? I asked myself. But I knew, I really missed him, with all my heart, I missed him. Just his presence. This scared me because I was not sure why I was feeling this way. Normally I would have jumped online and talked about all this with my best friend...but I could not possibly do that, HE was my best friend and I was not sure what would come of a conversation with him. I mean, what if it were true...what if I HAD fallen in love with him? I was not sure if my biggest fear would be rejection, or reciprication. I was married! In my head, there was no way I could love him.....but if it was not that, what was it? Was it just simply that I missed him just as a friend? I was so confused! But all this did bring another thought into my mind. Why did I not feel this for my husband? Or better yet, why was my husband not what he should have been to me. I began to realize that if I was feeling this way, there must be something more severely wrong in my marriage than I cared to ever really face (all for other scary reasons, like being right). So I did not tell Martin how I felt, but I felt I needed to be with him to sort out my feeling about my life, my marriage, ect. After many years of being home with kids, I needed a vacation...alone! Meaning, away from my family. I needed time to reflect and I wanted to do so in the company of the person I felt most comfortable with...better yet "safe" with. I needed sometime to sort through my feelings and I needed to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life and needed time to see if I really wanted to stay in my marriage....not because of or not because of Martin, or for anyone else, but what I wanted. I needed to get away. I did tell that to Martin, and he said I was welcome to stay with him, he wanted his family to meet me and he said he was his turn to return the favor! He was all excited at the idea of showing me around Quebec! It was now the end of August and I was thinking that maybe the following year in October I could visit him, I told him I would need to talk to my husband to work something out. I wanted to go in October because I had always wanted to see fall folliage! Autumn was always my favorite season, but in California, you do not get the best of that season. So I mentiond it to Sig and he was not all hot on that idea, but I explained that I really needed a vacation, and that I needed to work through some issues. So he said that if I needed that, I could go THIS October! He would find away to afford it, and make arrangements with his mom to watch the kids. WOW! I was surprised! Maybe my marriage was not so bad after all! Maybe he did know me! He was going to prove me wrong in all I had thought of him! This made me very happy! Maybe divorce court was not in my future! I was so happy that he was allowing me my space and was understanding that I too had needs and it was not all about him and his needs! I had a good feeling about this! But it was very short lived! Just after authorizing me to get my plane tickets and me purchasing them at a decent rate, he began to have second thoughts. Now he did not want me to go, now there was a trust issue. Now it was becoming about him and his needs, his wants, his fears...ect, ect.... I told him that the plans were made and that I just needed time, time to think. He began implying that I was going to cheat on him with Martin, well, he said that he trusted me, but not Martin. Oh, this was insulting! I guess he really did not know the person he had been married too for so many years! Why was I here with him? I was beginning to see that I really did not like this person, I wanted to get away! I was beginning to feel suffocated, and I really was beginning to really believe that he loved emotionally torturing me. I really needed to just get away!! Unfortunatly, He would not give into my request of being left alone, we got into a huge fight. During this argument, he had become enraged and became violent. He began throwing things around in a very childish and violent manner and at this time I was doing dishes, when the alarm clock went flying, the battery was dislodged from the back and it hit me in the leg. It was then I turned around and told him it was over! I surely did not need this garbage in my life, and it was then that realized how awful my life with him really was. I turned around and told him that it was over, and I did so very calmly. He went nuts, literally, I will not go into details but it was awful. His mom helped me to remove him from the house after he took my advise to seek professional help, and was instructed to take medication that he never picked up until later, but then refused to take them. For about the next two weeks while he was out of the house and I was getting ready for a much needed trip, I ended up telling my friend what I was feeling, During that conversation, I inquired if he had felt for me as anything other than friendship, and his reply was "no". Well, I was not sure if I was happy about that or disappointed. Anyway, I was scheduled to leave California on October 4th, and on September 25th I had a knock on my door from social services. My so called husband had made a report (unfounded) against me for neglecting my baby! That was it, if there had been any hope of salvaging my poor excuse of a marriage, that blew any hope right out of the water. The next day on September 26th, I filed for divorce and asked that he be served after I was gone. He had gone completely nuts and I did not want to be near him at all when he was served, I was not sure at that point what he was capable of. During the remaining time before my trip, Martin and I had another talk about what I was feeling and where "we" stood. He kept insisting that we were just really good friends and my feelings were just a feeling that might have just been from getting closer in friendship, a special bond was formed and in my situation, I was needing and missing that bond. And I thought he might be right and I did not want to talk about this subject any more, ever! I said that I was just curious about one thing and I said "If I had not been married and if I had no kids, and if you came here to visit me and if I wanted to sleep with you...would you have? " He just said "yes". Well, not thinking to much into that answer, I just figured...typical male answer! But Martin was shocked by his answer and was not sure why he just automatically said yes! After all, he had always said that he would be with only one person, so why did he say yes?????????????? That was what he now needed to figure out. After a long phone conversation trying to understand all this (a 3 hour call that cost him $90) He realized that maybe he did care for me more than he ever thought. Maybe he never thought about it because I was married and he never entertained other thoughts. After finally realizing that my marriage was over, I had filed for divorce and I was sure not going to get back with Sig, he came to the realization that he did want to be with me. We were not sure what my trip would bring, but after all the hell we went through, we managed to find heaven on earth! We have never been happier and I have never regreted my choice! Neither has he!!! Many people may still choose to believe that I left my first husband for Martin, I guess it could and did look like that is what happened, but it is most definatly not the case. My first husband lost me because he did not love me enough, because he was never my friend. Maybe if he had filled that empty seat within my heart, we would still be together, but I guess it was never ment to be. All that was ment to be was a Brendon, an Austin, a Darien and a Jaiden...and thats it! So in all that, I have no regrets. But I am so glad I have finally found someone who loves me, and puts me first above all things. He is someone I can love with all my heart and not ever be afraid that he will abuse it stomp on it, and break it into pieces. I now have NO FEAR! And as much as I dislike my ex for all the cruel things he has done to me and to our children, I decided that he is not worth hating, he is not worth the energy. I hope that he has found happiness in his life, for everyones sake! I will not go into all the cruel things he has done to me, because this is not a story about him, it is a story about how I found the love of my life, it just so happens that my ex was involved with that story, as a matter of fact, if it was not for him I may never have met Martin...or maybe it was destined...who knows! All of it was worth getting here!! Thank you for taking the time to read our story! May you all end up as blessed as I have been. ps. Just to be fair, I think it is important to add that my ex was not always a monster, there were times that he was really good to me. But, due to what was done to me at the end of our marriage, I blocked out many memories, all I have left is a very bad memories, or rather bad "feelings". Sometimes I feel like it was all just a bad dream and he never really happened at all. The sad thing is, is that I know it did. |
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| To read a story similar to my own, read my friends story on domestic abuse. We have a diffrent story, but many of the same points and feelings, I relate well to her and her story. She reminds us all that domestic abuse is not just about physical abuse, it does come in many forms. Some day, I too might write my story, but for now hers will give you all a good idea of what I went through for so many years! Her story is at http://www.sundancr.com/domestic.shtml |
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