Anyhoo, In response to ANOTHER Hawkeye's Martini Challenge.
What happens to Hawkeye when he pisses off the entire camp.
Hawkeye had been singing that song for weeks. When he was too tired to sing it, he hummed it. When he woke up, when he was in the mess tent, when he was in OR, the Officers Club, Post Op, the showers, even the latrine, when he went to sleep and on a few occasions while he was asleep.
During the first week he had managed to get a small following of people who also hummed along to it. The few, who knew the words, sang with him. It was generally…not so bad.
By the second week those few people were becoming fewer and fewer and by the beginning of the third week had stopped altogether.
The camp was understandably getting sick and tired of hearing it.
BJ had threatened to lock him out of the swamp; covered in jam and feathers with bull ants, naked.
Charles had threatened to cut out his tongue with a blunt scalpel.
Potter had threatened an order, realised that wouldn’t do a thing, threatened a court martial, again wouldn’t do a thing, then threatened to have him banned from the officer’s club.
Margaret had threatened him numerous times to kick him out of her tent and more recently to remove a certain, very important part of his anatomy, piece by piece.
Klinger had threatened him with a face full of 5 star mess tent cuisine.
The enlisted and nurses were past the threatening stage and just ignored him.
Yet Hawkeye still continued with it. Even when he came face to face with a few of these threats.
“Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm MMMHMM…BJ…BJ…Beej come on open up! I need my boots!”
“Not til you either get a new song or SHUT UP!”
“Come on it’s a great tune…you know you love it! Now come on…let me in!”
“When you learn that I Don’t love…that NO ONE loves it…THEN and ONLY THEN will I let you in.”
“Fine then…I’ll go find better company!”
“Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm MMMHMM…all covered with cheese…”
“GO AWAY!”
“Margaret…”
“I’m not listening to you”
“Gee what’s everyone so grumpy about?”
“Take one…BIG…CHEESY…guess maestro.”
“BJ’s moustache? Told him it was big and cheesy and stupid.”
“You’d be the expert on all things stupid.”
“He really should shave it off…”
“There you go, changing the topic.”
“Peg’ll most likely make him once he’s home…Mmm Hmmm Mmmmm Hmmm Mmm…”
“Hawkeye”
“Yes?”
“As much as it’ll pain me and my enjoyment, if you don’t stop that incessant singing within the next five seconds, I’m going to slice up and cut off every inch of a very important tool in producing offspring.”
“Can’t talk now Margaret…gotta go. Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm love you…Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmm…”
“One of these days Hawkeye Pierce…”
After five and a half weeks of non-stop singing, some of the enlisted were considering death threats or drugging him and shipping him off to the Chinese. The officers weren’t far behind.
“Colonel Potter you’ve got to do something.” (Charles)
“I can’t stand it much longer!” (Klinger)
“I’d rather listen to Charles’ records non-stop for a month.” (BJ)
“He doesn’t hear a word I say when I talk to him…” (Margaret)
“I’m ready to…you would?” (Charles)
“Can’t you do something sir?” (Klinger)
“I’ve tried kicking him out…” (Margaret)
“Bach or Mozart?” (Charles)
“I’m ready to kill him!” (BJ)
“I’ve got 4 of my uncles in Toledo ready to take him out…” (Klinger)
“I just can’t say no to him…” (Margaret)
“I was only using you as a measurement for my frustration.” (BJ)
“Oh just typical!” (Charles)
“I really wouldn’t want to…” (Margaret)
““““BUT HE’S REALLY GETTING ANNOYING!””””
“Alright, ALRIGHT! I heard you lot the first time 4 weeks ago. It just so happens I had a call from General Embry today and I’ll be leaving for HQ at 1600 hours today. AND…I’m putting Pierce in charge for the duration.”
Groans came from the 4 people in his office.
“Colonel, with all due respect, you don’t know what he was like the last time he was in command.” (Charles)
“…Pure hell” (BJ)
“Frank Burns was bigger laughs” (Margaret)
“It was like Hitler had come to Korea.” (Klinger)
“You lot must think I’m a total idiot. Pierce will be so tied up in paperwork that he’ll have no time to do anything…or see anyone. If worse comes to worse I’ll ‘request’ a transfer.”
““““TRANSFER?!””””
“OR rather threaten one. I’ll be gone for three days. In the case that if any of you…think of a way to change his preference of song…DO IT! DISMISSED!”
The four of them walked out of Potter’s office and into the compound. Margaret approached BJ.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“What are we gonna do?”
“What makes you think I got anything?”
“I know you BJ Hunnicutt…you’ve ALWAYS got something.”
“Well in this case…I don’t. Nothing besides murder or accidental death anyway.”
Charles cut in.
“Surely we can think of something to do that he’ll hate.”
“There’s not much that Hawkeye doesn’t hate that we can do to a person…”
“And not have them dead.”
“Or scarred badly for life.”
“There’s gotta be something!”
ATT: all personnel incoming wounded.
“Later…”
-OR-
“MmmHmmMmmHmmMMMHMM.”
“SHUT UP!” the entire room screamed at him. Hawkeye went quiet.
“Scalpel”
“Scalpel…we warned you.”
“Warnings don’t scare me!”
“Neither does castration,” Margaret muttered to BJ.
As 1600 came around, Potter left for Seoul as promised and Hawkeye took to the desk, as promised.
For the first 8 hours of Hawkeye’s command, nobody saw him. He stayed in the office signing and stamping 10 forest loads of paper. No one was complaining.
Around midnight Hawkeye sat up straight yawning and rubbed his eyes.
“Time for bed I think.” He said out loud.
Slowly standing up, he finished the last of his glass (Potter allowed him a bottle a day and Klinger had both keys securely hidden), stretched, turned off the light and walked out.
Stepping into the compound he took in a deep breath…and started humming.
“Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmm Mmm…Mmm Hmm Mmm Hmm Mmmmm.”
BJ groaned in his sleep…“He’s started.”
Charles groaned back…“Be thankful Margaret’s gonna have to put up with it and not us”
“Oh yeah.”
Hawkeye saw the light on and quietly knocked on the door.
“It’s open Hawk…”
“How’d you know?”
“On the few occasions you do knock I’ve picked up on what it sounds like. Plus there’s your humming. Do you want something or is this just a social call?” Margaret was frustrated. To the point that she was ready to kill.
“Uhhh sleep?” Hawkeye was confused.
“I believe the Swamp’s that way.”
“Yeah…it is…what’d I’d do this time?” he asked.
“You really have no clue do you?”
“Uh…no?” he wanted to know what it was he had done to upset her.
“It’s just…forget it. If you haven’t got it so far you won’t.” Margaret was fed up. It was either have him and that stupid annoying song…or him not at all.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, whatever.” Margaret sighed. They would have to think of something soon…otherwise the possibility of murder would become something very real. Hawkeye climbed in next to her and sank into the cot.
“Tired?”
“Extremely. You’re welcome to take command anytime you know.”
“No thanks, I’m happily basking in your suffering.”
“You’re a sadistic woman Houlihan.”
“And don’t you forget it Pierce.”
“I won’t.” Hawkeye kissed her gently. “Night Margaret.”
“Night Hawk.”
Margaret sighed and began to think and dream of ways to stop the song. In the case that if any of you…think of a way to change his preference of song.
On top of spaghetti…all covered with cheese.
THAT’S IT! Her mind screamed as Margaret shot up in bed. Hawkeye stirred but stayed sleeping. Quietly she put on her robe and crept out, heading for the Swamp.
“Psst…BJ…BJ!”
“Honey can you get the baby? I gotta work tomorrow.”
“BJ get up…I’ve got an idea.”
“Margaret, what are you doing here at…4 in the morning?”
“I’ve got an idea of how to stop that stupid song.”
“YOU DO?!”
“Shhh, you wanna wake up Charles?”
“Charles has been woken up.”
“Sorry”
“Did I hear correctly that you have a way to cease that annoying drivel of a song? Permanently?”
“Possibly.”
“So? LET’S HEAR IT!”
“Well…”
For the next 5 minutes Margaret explained her idea and by the end the three of them were in stitches on the floor.
“That’s PERFECT!” BJ burst out in laughter once more.
“When do we do it?”
“Tonight.”
Margaret left BJ and Charles to inform the camp when they woke and she headed back to her tent to sleep, dreaming of all things good. Like artillery shells…and any noise that had nothing to do with spaghetti.
By 8 that morning Klinger knocked on the tent door, demanding that Hawkeye be in the office 2 hours ago. After a few extremely colourful words and stumbling, Hawkeye got up and dragged himself to what he described as a job ‘worse than any mortician had to put up with after a triple homicide’.
Margaret lay back, grinning like an idiot – grinning like Hawkeye. Today was the day that spaghetti was officially BANNED from the 4077th.
“Everything right?” she asked BJ, sitting down in the mess tent.
“All’s set. Klinger managed to trade some excess specimen cups for another 30 tins.”
“Another 30? How much have we got now?”
“Rough estimates…around 90 or so” Charles put in.
“That gonna be enough?”
“Plenty…” BJ said with a wicked smile.
“Everyone’s in agreement too.” Klinger added as he joined the three.
“Good. So we’re right for 6pm?”
“Sure are Major.”
“Still can’t believe you of all people would think of something this devious and evil.”
“You seriously underestimate me Charles. I’ve had an evil side to me all along. I just haven’t chosen to show it…til now.” Margaret stood up, bid them goodbye and headed to post op.
“I said 20 not 30…”
“Doctor you most definitely said 30”
“I do know what I’ve said you know!”
“Fine then. 20 and next time you ask for something…don’t bother.”
Hawkeye was becoming unbearable. Not only was he obnoxious, rude, annoying, egotistical – everything Charles was – but the humming continued. The nurse he had just yelled at stormed off calling him all sorts. Margaret had witnessed every bit of it.
“Problem lieutenant?”
“Ask doctor hero over there.” Clearly, she was annoyed.
“What did you do this time?” Margaret asked firmly.
“Ask her.” Hawkeye muttered.
“For God’s sake.” She murmured before continuing, “Lieutenant, you can go I’ll take the shift.”
“But Major”
“No buts. I’ll speak to you later,” and walking closer to her she said quietly, “You’re not in trouble, I’ll sort him out. Now Carson!” the nurse walked away with a smirk on her face, happy that for once Margaret didn’t blame her.
“Thank you.” Hawkeye said not looking up from the patient he was at.
“Carson said the same thing. What is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? You should ask her that. I’m not here to compensate for her screw ups.”
“You know who you sound like?”
“No who?” Hawkeye really didn’t care.
“Me. And quite frankly…coming from you it sounds ridiculous.”
“Well it’s about time someone aside from you noticed these things. Now can you help me with this…seeing as you dismissed Carson?”
“Fine. But just what is wrong?”
“I don’t want to be in charge of this…again. I hate being left to all this.”
“And you only have to put up with it another day.”
“That’s not the point! Could you cut that there? Right there.”
“Then what is the point?”
“The point is I don’t want to be left in charge. ANYMORE. Why didn’t he leave Charles…or even you?”
“Me?”
“You’re a major aren’t you? As far as I know a major’s above a captain…”
“Since when did you care who was what?”
“Since I got landed 3 days in charge of eternal hell.”
“Fine. Just tell Potter this is the last time.”
“I did that last time!”
“Look…I’ll talk to Potter…I’m quite certain the whole camp will talk to Potter.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you’ve been ridiculous, horrid and really bad as a leader.”
“Just who said that?”
“EVERYONE! Do you want this to be the final time or not?”
“YES!”
“THEN SHUT UP AND WE’LL MAKE SURE OF IT!” Margaret’s yelling silenced the pair as they continued rounds quietly, yet Hawkeye ever so often starting to hum. If Margaret’s plan didn’t work, murder was certainly looking a good if not the only option.
Meanwhile BJ, Klinger, Charles and a few others gathered the necessary equipment to silence the spaghetti for good.
“He’s so gonna hate this!” BJ said wickedly.
“Perfect” grinned Charles.
“A ‘taste’ of his own medicine.” Added Klinger.
“He’ll never want to eat Italian again!” The three men laughed. What they were about to do to their ‘courageous leader’ was cruel, mean, undignified: everything the 4077th‘s practical jokes had come to be known as.
By 6pm Hawkeye was just finishing up Post Op and looking forward to sleep. Margaret since taking over was looking forward to another 4 hours of work.
“Tired?”
“MmmHmm”
“Well have fun.”
“Aren’t you coming?”
“Oh no…I have another…4 hours of work to do.” Margaret knew he’d try and talk her out of it…she really didn’t need him to, but to keep the cover was going to.
“Oh no you’re not, we’re going to the mess tent and officers club and then you are going to help me with paperwork.”
“What?” This was news to her “Oh no I’m not!”
“I was just kidding. I want an early night.”
Margaret held back a laugh.
“What?”
She was having a tough time of it. “Okay, I’ll find someone else to do Post Op…” Margaret quickly walked out of the room before she lost it.
“What’s wrong?” Hawkeye yelled after her.
“I’ll meet you in the mess tent…just got something I need to do first!”
Margaret ran to her tent and burst out laughing. A few moments later BJ knocked on the door.
“You alright?”
Margaret opened the door, “Yeah fine, he really has no clue.” She said settling down again. “All set?”
“Just waiting for your cue Margaret.”
“Okay, have an announcement made: Everyone make their way to the mess tent – 2 minutes…but got get Hawkeye; tell him I need him for something.”
“I’m on it! Can’t wait for this!” BJ said running out.
‘Neither can I’ Margaret thought.
“What’s up?” Hawkeye came in a minute later, wanting to know why she ran out and what was happening.
“Oh, I’m glad you’re here.”
“Why?” Hawkeye was cautious, Margaret was acting most strange and he was almost intimidated by it.
Margaret quickly thought of something, “No reason…I just wanted to make sure we’re okay…”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”
“Well from before…”
“Hey, I’ve been on the receiving end of you more times than I can count. We’re fine.”
“Just checking.”
Att: all personnel. Please everyone make your way to the mess tent now for an announcement. BJ said over the PA.
“What is that about?” Hawkeye wondered out-loud.
“Let’s go find out shall we?” Margaret smirked and they headed to where the crowd gathered.
By the time the pair had wandered over to the tent, it was already crowded with people.
“Shhh, he’s coming!” A few people whispered.
“But nothing, it’s a great book…Why are the lights off?”
“I dunno…should be around here somewhere…”
“GET HIM!” BJ shouted as Klinger and a few enlisted grabbed Hawkeye and lifted him off the ground.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” Hawkeye shouted…among other, much more colourful phrases.
“To our fearless temporary leader. For the past month and a half you have regaled us with one tune you seem to have a fondness and a love for.” Started BJ.
“For the first couple of weeks we were glad of a tune as catchy as this to get us through times of hell.” Klinger added.
“But soon it became tiresome. A useless banter for which we came to loathe more than any communist or machinery.” Said Charles.
“It blinded you so and you could not hear our cries for you to cease it.” Margaret said.
“Numerous threats of public embarrassment” (BJ)
“Torture” (Charles)
“Murder” (Klinger)
“Castration” (Margaret)
“And ban on alcohol” (BJ)
“Could not and did not stop the eternal audio HELL we live in,” Charles added in.
“So drastic times must call for drastic measures” Margaret started.
“And as they did in the old times, to cleanse one of all evil the person was bathed in the river. Seeing as we have no river, we had to make do with what we had.” Father Mulcahy added with a chuckle.
“BRING OUT…the tub” BJ said menacingly.
Just as if it were an ancient Inca sacrifice to pagan gods, three enlisted brought out a bathtub, filled with 90 cans of surplus spaghetti.
“OH NO NO NO NO NO!!!” Hawkeye yelled, he tried to get away from those still holding him up, but couldn’t over power them.
“Hawkeye Pierce, you have been found guilty of bad taste.” BJ proclaimed.
“Your punishment…dunking by spaghetti.” Margaret finished.
“Everybody on three” Started BJ
“One”
“Two”
“THREE!”
On three the 4 men holding Hawkeye up dumped him in a pool of thick, disgusting, red spaghetti.
“On top of spaghetti…” sang BJ.
“All covered with cheese!” finished Charles.
A couple of nurses threw in sliced up old cheese.
Hawkeye hated every minute of it.
The tent was in a raucous laughter.
“Now Hawkeye…sweetie…have we learnt anything from today’s exercise?” Margaret asked casually.
“Never trust your comrades in arms.” Hawkeye was bitter, and was trying not to crack a smile.
“That all? Or do we need a second dunking?” She asked just as slyly.
“NEVER even mention that song?”
“HURRRAH!!!” the tent exploded in cheers of laughter and merriment.
“Brilliant Margaret!” BJ picked her up and swung her round.
“YOU?!” Hawkeye asked, trying to get up and slipping back into the gooey mess.
“I had to learn something from you didn’t I?” she said with a cheeky grin.
“You are gonna pay for this!” Hawkeye vowed.
“Whatcha gonna do about it?” Margaret asked childishly.
Unfortunately for Margaret she was standing within arms reach and Hawkeye pulled her in with him.
“AHHHH PIERCE! You’re gonna PAY FOR THIS!” Margaret screamed.
“Whatcha gonna do about it?” Hawkeye mocked, no letting go of her.
“Ah…you…I…ARGH!” Margaret for once was speechless, no come back or comment came to her.
Hawkeye laughed and kissed her, the disgusting spaghetti sauce mingling in between their mouths.
“Ewww!”
“Yuck!”
“Ahhh true love in only such when two people avoid mouth to mouth.” BJ proclaimed as the tent – including the two ‘bathed’ in glory – roared in laughter.
Everyone stopped when an ambulanced pulled up in the compound.
“Sorry to spoil the party folks, the line just broke on hill 407.” The driver said, jumping out of the vehicle.
“Help me up Beej” Hawkeye asked. BJ helped him and Margaret out of the slop.
“You two get cleaned up first.” The pair nodded and ran off to the showers as BJ ran off to triage.
-OR-
“You know…that was one heck of an experience.” BJ stated.
“One hopefully never repeated.” Charles droned.
“Don’t look at me, I didn’t start it…it was her fault!” Hawkeye whined, staring at Margaret.
“ME? It was your fault!” she protested.
“Was not”
“Was to”
“Was not”
“Was to”
“Was not”
“Was to”
“Was not”
“Was to”
“It’s gonna be a loooong night Charles” BJ stated.
“That it will Hunnicutt.” Charles agreed as the pair continued.
“Was to”
“Was not”
“Was to”
“Was not”
The next day Potter returned and was about to find out they were 2 days behind in paperwork and would look forward to catching up on.
“Ah Pierce, Margaret, how was it?” Potter entered to find Margaret sitting across from Hawkeye – a glass of scotch each in hand.
“An experience never forgotten sir.” Margaret said with a smirk.
“Pierce? Would you agree with that?” Potter asked.
“Not in so many words…All’s in the report Colonel. We’ll leave you to it. Margaret…” Hawkeye pulled her out of the office before she could say a word.
Potter sat down smiling. He took one look at what was laying there on his desk – the 2 day old paperwork he just found out to looking forward to catching up on – and yelled “PIERCE!”
Later in the mess tent, ‘the gang’ sat around, they – minus Hawkeye who just sat there grumpy – were just finishing telling Potter about what had happened, and why they no longer had any tinned spaghetti.
“Shame I missed it” Potter said chuckling.
“What was that Hawk?” BJ asked, Hawkeye was mumbling something.
“Nothing, OW!” Margaret kicked him under the table.
“Anything else I haven’t read or been told about?” Potter asked finally.
“That’s it Colonel.” Margaret answered.
“Just that and the spaghetti incident.” Hawkeye finished.
The end
