“Maaaarrrrgaareeet.”
What? Who is it? Who’s there?
“Hiya Maggie!”
Lori? What is this?
“I don’t know how to tell you this Maggie…but you’re dead”
What?
“Hawkeye couldn’t help you…you just got sicker and sicker and you wasted away. Just like we all said you would.”
But I can’t be dead…I’ve only just left New York…sick? What do you mean sick? I’m fine.
“No you’re not Margaret.”
Mom? What do you mean I’m not?
“I told you this when you were 15, you’re sick…and your father didn’t want you in hospital…damn army, Alvin was never the one to believe anything was wrong.”
Don’t bring dad into this. Everything’s fine. I stopped didn’t I?
“Not in time though. I wish you’d listened to me Margaret…instead of listening to him.”
Him…DAD?
“No…him”
Why isn’t anyone making sense?
“Maaarrrgaarret, fingers down your throat, make yourself sick, dying like old folk”
Shut Up Lizzy. What would you know? You have a perfect life. Stop being such a…
“Truthful?”
Daddy? What are you doing here…you’re not dead…none of you are. You’re all ganging up on me again.
“It’s for your own good Angel…”
What’s for my own good?
”You need to know why you’re doing this…why you can’t be happy.”
“Why you think you can’t be loved.”
Hawkeye? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be driving.
“I am…I need to help you. I want to help you. We need you better. I need you better. I want the old Margaret back. The one who’d kick me if I did something wrong…the one who’d help me if I was lost or sad.”
But you have me; I’m here.
“No you’re not. You’re not here at all. This…phantom you is. Not Margaret, not Major, not Hotlips.”
“And not Maggie either.”
Why are you agreeing with him, you’ve never met Hawkeye.
“But he’s right…”
“Margaret. You’ve got to stop doing this…you’ve got to stop making yourself sick all the time.”
Why? Why should I stop?
“Because you’ll end up like him.”
*A lone soldier laid dead on the ground. His stomach ripped open. Guts hanging out.*
“Dead.”
“Margaret…Margaret are you okay?” “Pull over…I think I’m gonna be.”
And by the side of the road, I emptied the contents of my stomach…not that there was much. Although I had a lot to drink last night.
And Hawkeye was there, holding my hair, rubbing my back. Maybe he did care?
“You alright now?” “Fine, can we just go?” “What brought this on?” “Just a…nothing, I probably drank too much.” “Was it a dream?”
Why am I nodding? Why am I telling him all this?
“Does this happen often?” “What, the dreaming or the throwing up? You know the second answer oh great doctor. The first…yes…all the time.” “Does it happen together?” “Just recently.” “Come on, let’s go. The sooner we get there…the sooner we can have you well.” “I suppose you called in the cavalry?” “Of course…it may take 2 to tango…but it’s gonna take a platoon to help you.” “Well I didn’t know I was such high maintenance.”
What a compliment! Coming from the master of suave himself.
“Will you just get in?” “Fine, if it’ll shut you up.” “You want a blanket or something?” “Yeah, it’s getting really cold…” “It’s the beginning of summer!” “So? It’s 5am…it’s cold. I’m cold.” “Here, now do you think you can sleep?” “I can sleep…peacefully’s another question.” “Just try okay?”
Sure, I can try…maybe even succeed. Knowing me? Probably not.
“Margaret…may I have this dance?”
Of course.
“You know, I always wondered if you were a good dancer. Whether you could twirl and whirl like others could.”
I used to love to dance. But I couldn’t continue.
“Why? You seem to be doing perfectly well here.”
My dance instructor in high school told me I didn’t have the right body shape…that I could never dance like the others. That I could never be worthy enough.
“Well she was right.”
What?
“You’ll never be worthy enough for dancing.”
You’re supposed to be helping me…encouraging me…that’s what friends are for.
“I said I was going to be tough and I am. Pure honesty. That’s what got you into this mess in the first place isn’t it.”
No it isn’t…it’s…
“That’s why you hate yourself. How you despise what you look like. Frank only wanted you because you were the last straw. Donald never wanted you…he had all his other girlfriends.”
Stop it…
“Your father never wanted you…you were never good enough for him. Your mother never liked you. Lizzy always hated you.”
Shut up…
“Everyone in Korea hated you…there goes Hotlips. The bitch major with a bitch attitude to match. Pull a prank, make you cry…make you remember you’re all alone.”
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You never hated me. Why did you convince me to stay all those times?
“I’m a doctor…I don’t turn away anyone sick or in need of help. No I don’t hate you…but everyone else does. Just look at them. Staring at you like you’re some kind of freak. They all know you’re sick. That you’re going to die.”
If…if I get better…if I stop this…will they like me?
“Maybe…but you’ll never stop. You want to be perfect? You want people to be happy? Just disappear. No Margaret means no sadness.”
No No NOOOO…
“Hey…hey sleeping beauty.”
Oh god, it was only a dream…
“Hmm…what are we here?” “No…we’re just entering Maine.” “How long have I been asleep?” “5 hours.” “How long have we been out of New York?” “About 8 hours…I sped up a little.” “Hmmm.” “We’ve got another hour or so before we get to Crabapple Cove, then 5 minutes until home.” “What time is it?” “Bit past 11…you want to stop for anything?” “Coffee…” “Food?” “Don’t push it.” “Okay, you’ll get away with it today.”
Hmmm…Maine’s quite pretty.
“Isn’t it?” “Isn’t it what?” “I can tell you’re thinking how great Maine looks. You’re right, it’s a beautiful place.” “You were always the one to read my mind.” “And you were always the one who let me.” “Unintentionally” “Well I have my ways…I lured you here didn’t I?” “Ah, now that was to save the trees.” “Yeah sure.” “I care about our environment.” “More than you do yourself.”
Don’t start now Hawk…
“Please, no fighting…I don’t have the energy too.” “I’m surprised you have the energy to do anything at the moment.” “Hawkeye please…don’t. Not now.” “Not now, okay. Let’s just grab something before we meet up with everyone.”
Everyone? Who…what is everyone?
“What? Who’s everyone?” “Like I said, I brought in the cavalry.” “Great, a reunion. Wonderful” “Well since you missed the last one, I thought we could all come together to see you.” “After you called I take it.” “Just coincidence…do you want anything?” “Just a coffee and some aspirin.” “Aspirin’s in the glove compartment, I’ll just get the coffee.”
What am I doing here? I just upped and left New York to come to a place where my ‘hero’ is going to get me well again. Well good for him. That’s his good deed for the day done then. Help the helpless. Like anyone would know I’ve gone. No job. No friends. An occasional call from Mom, dad or Lizzy. Numerous calls from Hawkeye…at least I’m doing him a favour by being here. He’s saving money on phone calls. Oh that look in his eyes. I HATE that look.
Okay Margaret, don’t cry. Wipe the tears away. You’re crying over a man who clearly isn’t interested in anything but getting you ‘well’. He’s a few decades late.
“One coffee, and I got you a sandwich…just incase.”
Just smile, he’ll think you’re ‘co-operating.’
“Thanks.” “Aspirin, one or two?” “Two…I can’t think straight at the moment.” “Coffee, white, one sugar right?” “You remembered!” “Of course I would…We only lived together for 3 years.” “As I recall it, black with 18 sugars?” “Oh you’re an evil woman Houlihan.” “I learnt from the master.” “Colonel Potter was a sweet guy wasn’t he?” “You’re such an idiot!”
Okay this is well…nice. The coffee’s not bad too. Oh how I love his smile. The way it just makes everything better…everything happy everything…perfect.
“Shall we?” “Yeah, so who’s in the cavalry?” “Everyone.” “Everyone like who?”
But GOD he could be annoying at times.
“BJ, Potter, Charles, Trapper…” “TRAPPER?” “Yeah, caught up with him at a conference a while back.” “You…Hawkeye Pierce…a CONFERENCE?” “Gave me a chance to work on my golf.” “Typical.” “Hey, I enjoy my predictability. It’s the one sane thing about me.” “So who else?” “Just Father Mulcahy. I rang Klinger and Radar.” “By the way when did Klinger get back?” “A few months ago. They found her folks, moved them here…and both Klinger and Soon-Lee are working as translators between the two family.”
I just have to laugh. That was the funniest thing to picture. Arabic, Korean and English.
“Yeah. Anyway, he and Radar couldn’t make it.” “Probably too scared to see me.” “No…Radar’s at school and Klinger’s working…everyone else is a doctor…we can get leave anytime.” “Why would they be here?” “Because I asked them to…and once they heard, they wanted to.” “But why to see me? Why do they want to see me after everything I’ve done.” “Margaret why are you asking this? Of course they want to see you. They all care about you. It’s not just me who does. And they’re all worried about you. Just as I am…we all just want to help.” “Because you’re doctors and you have to help the ‘sick’.” “No it’s not. God where are you getting these ideas?” “It was all quite evident in Korea that they all pretended to care. I once asked BJ and Charles for coffee and just talk. You should have seen the way they looked at me…like it was a chore. They would rather be operating than talking to me.” “Margaret…listen to me.” “Why have we stopped?” “WILL YOU JUST listen? You’re imagining this. You’re sick. None of this happened. WE all care about you…what’s more we all love you. And we want to help you. Not because we’re doctors…but because we care. Now please, just try.” “Fine.”
Sure I’m being stubborn…I know that. I just wish he’d stop lying. I HATE lying. It’s the worst thing that could happen between friends.
“We’ll be there in an hour. Get used to it…because you’re gonna be here for a long time.”
What the? I’m not a child. I’m a grown adult. I have the freedom to go wherever the hell I damn well please. Fine if he’s gonna play it against the rules…then so am I.
“Margaret. Listen to him. Hawkeye knows what he is talking about. He’s right. You are sick. Not just physically. You’re losing your mind. He’s here to help. Everyone’s here to help. They all love you…he loves you. Why else would he be doing this?”
“What kind of stupid angel are you anyway?”
“I thought you said do whatever?”
“I got bored. He’s doing this because he’s a doctor. Just like you know. He cares because he has to. If not…he’d be another Frank Burns. That might be better…Frank didn’t care about people. He never cared about you. At least he was honest in what his intentions were.”
“Oh, and that’s why Frank was voted number one doctor then?”
“Who cares? Exactly Margaret…who cares?”
“Hawkeye does.” “What? Margaret did you say something?”
“That’s right. And not just him either. BJ and Potter and Charles and everyone. See…if Hawkeye can care…love you…then everyone can.”
“Come off it Margaret, sure, Hawkeye may ‘care’. He’s 0ut to make himself feel better…to get you into bed too. Everyone else is here for him. Remember, he said he had been sick too…they’re all here and you’re here too. So get your facts straight. DUH!”
“DUH? You must be desperate. Look, Margaret, don’t listen to us because we’re just saying the exact opposite of each other. Make up your own mind. Listen to Hawkeye…see even she agrees he cares.”
“Margaret…Margaret?” “Hmmm what?” “You called my name.” “When?” “About a minute ago. Is there something on your mind…something you want to tell me?” “Oh…uhhh”
SHIT! Just make up something…get him to believe anything else.
“Just how much longer?” “40 minutes or so.” “Oh.” “Is there anything you want to talk about before you see them?” “Why I am like I am.” “Yes?” “I’m asking you that. Why am I like this?” “Margaret, I can only tell you from what I’ve seen the last few years and what you’ve told me. It’s how you’ve been taught to see things. To interpret them. And what you’ve been told about yourself. How people act towards you.”
God Margaret…don’t cry…please don’t cry.
“I…I mean…why don’t people like me. Why do I have to be so…me?” “As I said befor…what do you mean why people don’t like you?” “I…I…”
I can’t stop…I can’t stop the tears…the pain. Oh why can’t it go away?
“Shhh Margaret it’s okay, it’s okay…just let it out.”
And that’s what I’m doing. Crying heavily into him. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t want to be crying. “I just want it to end!”
“What?” “I just want it to end.” “Please Margaret…try to realise we love you…I love you. I want you back. I want my old Margaret back. I want to be kicked in the ass when I screw up. I want you to tell me that I’m being an idiot when I am. I want you to be happy. Please let me help you come back.”
What should I do? I can’t go on like this…but I can’t get help from him…
“Swallow your pride…let him help you.”
“He’s just being a..”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” “What happened what’s wrong?” “Help me Hawkeye…help me stop them…him.” “Them? Him?” “I want them to shut up…I want him to go away.” “Okay okay okay Margaret…I’ll help you get rid of them.” “I just want them to leave me alone.” “Can the others help?” “Yes…anything PLEASE?!” “Okay okay…we’ll be there. We’ll help you.”
I somehow ended up back in the car. I’m trying to keep my eyes open…I don’t want to dream…I don’t want to…
“Shhh just sleep Margaret. All will be better tomorrow.”
I didn’t dream.
