Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what! Do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my teacup?
Waiter: I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortuneteller.
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Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.  
Waiter: Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
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Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?
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Peter: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
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Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!! "
Second Guy: "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."
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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
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